Always Wondering

He was struggling not to be treachorous. But how could he choose? How could he continue doing the right think when every fibre in his body was telling him not to? When he felt as if he would die if he didn't go after her? But he couldn't betray James. James was like a brother to him. He knew he couldn't break James' heart so instead he decided to break his own.

He thought that she must have known of his love for a long time, must have sensed it in his behaviour. But James didn't and that was all that mattered. Then one night she came to him, to talk. He knew when he looked into those beautiful green eyes that he'd lost. He wasn't as noble as he'd wanted to be. He knew the consequences of what he was about to do but he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't stop himself from wanting her, from making it apparent in his every move. He had kissed her that night, sweetly but with a hunger that he had hidden for a long time. She had kissed him back, had smiled at him. She had told him not to worry about James, not that her words helped him. He sat up night after night, wondering and regretting. His friends started remarking on how silent he had become, how unlike he was his usual carefree self. James had simply looked at him, as if he knew the truth.

One night James joined him by the window. They talked of Quidditch and school but there was something off with their conversation. As if they both knew what was coming. So before James could say anything Sirius told him the entire story. He felt that it was owed of him. He should be honest, like a Gryffindor. James listened to his story and let his face become like a wall. After that night they didn't talk for a long time.

He kissed Lily a few nights later, by the lake. They talked for hours. It was easy to be his usual self with her. He enjoyed their bickering. In a way he and James were very alike, almost interchangeable. He told Lily that and she laughed. Told him it wasn't true. But deep in his heart he knew it was.

A month later James and Sirius spoke again. This time it was a dull polite conversation. Sirius was hurt. Their friendship was to be destroyed because of a girl. He had always thought that their bond ran deeper than that. Then James told him how he felt about Lily, the depth of his love, and Sirius found himself convinced. It was better for Lily to be with James. He didn't feel what James felt. He wasn't as good for Lily as James was.

He broke up with Lily, if what they had had could even be deemed a relationship, and set a plan in motion that was to make sure that she and James ended up together. And it worked. It worked a little too well. He was accepted into their lives again, became the fun and reliable friend. He was made godfather of their first child, the greatest honour imaginable. And yet he felt empty inside, like he was a hollow shell pretending his best to be just like everyone else.

Then James and Lily were killed and Harry had no parents. If it hadn't been for Wormtail Sirius would have had Harry. He would have had a part of the two people he loved best. He would have called Harry his own. He got to see Lily's body, or what was left of it. Looking down at the girl he had loved he realized just why he felt so hollow. He realized that he had ripped out his heart when he left her. He had grown incapable of that kind of love ever again. He had been weak and he hadn't fought for her. He started regretting his actions toward her and he never stopped.

When he excaped Azkaban and was reunited with Harry it felt as if his world had regained some meaning. He took care of Harry, loved him. But sometimes it hurt to look at Harry, to know his history, to know who his parents had been. And Sirius still regretted.

When Sirius died it came as a shock even to him. He had never been able to imagine death. When he fell through the veil all the feelings came flooding back to him. His love for Lily filled him, fulfilled him. He saw her face as he fell. He reached out for her. She looked at him, smiling, and opened her mouth.

Don't be scared, love, I'm coming for you.

He smiled at her, feeing secure. And then his eyes closed, for the very last time.

And he stopped regretting.

The End