Did You Get What You Wanted?

Lately my hands they don't feel like mine
My eyes been stung with dust, I'm blind
Held you in my arms one time
Lost you just the same
Jolene

I ain't about to go straight
It's too late
I found myself face down in the ditch
Booze in my hair, Blood on my lips
A picture of you, holding a picture of me
In the pocket of my blue jeans

Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means
Jolene

Jolene - Ray LaMontagne

"Did you get what you wanted?"

Lena freezes in the doorway of the prison visiting room, her breath catching in her throat. Supergirl leans against the far wall, arms crossed and eyes hard; there is no warmth or curiosity in that question, just brittle, cold accusation.

Lena can feel her heart-rate triple even as she tries to school her features. She lets her mouth curl into a smirk as she steps through the door and mirrors the other woman's defensive gesture. "You waited for me? How nice. Here I was thinking a big hero like yourself would be too busy to worry about little ole me."

"Why are you meeting with Lillian? What did she say to you?"

Lena's smirk turns into a grimace at the irony of the situation. Because of course Supergirl doesn't trust her. How could she ever trust a Luthor? Lena grits her teeth at that. Even after everything they have been through… No, Lena cannot allow herself to fall down that rabbit hole. Not again. She did once, after the DEO, after Supergirl asked James to break into her lab. No, she has already come to terms with this, Lena reminds herself. She has already grieved the loss of their partnership… or whatever the fuck it had been.

"I don't answer to you, Supergirl," she sneers softly and turns down the hall, heels clicking against the concrete. But she barely makes it fives steps.

The hero pushes off the wall with inhuman speed and is suddenly in front of Lena before the Luthor can blink. And she has no time to react; Lena collides with Supergirl, inhaling sharply on impact. Then familiar warmth spreads across Lena's hips as the Super's hands steady her.

Sharp, painful heat spikes in Lena's chest and her eyes begin to burn as something unfurls inside of her. Something Lena thought she had managed to smother, to snuff out. She forces herself to step away and hold Supergirl's gaze.

"Don't touch me," Lena bites out and then adds, "And don't get in my way."

Blue eyes pierce her as Supergirl stares back, brows furrowing at Lena's hostility. Like she can't quite understand the Luthor's reaction. And the expression looks so familiar. It makes Lena's head spin in a way that only ever happens around Supergirl and that strange sensation of deja-vu washes over her. But before Lena can fall too far into that familiar feeling, she firmly brushes it aside. She's spent too much time thinking about the Super as it is.

Supergirl puts her hands on her hips and takes a step forward, "Why are you being so defensive?"

"Why are you so determined to find me guilty?" Lena retorts even as she shifts backwards, conceding ground. It's not a conscious movement. Almost like two opposite sides of a magnet, like her body knows it's not allowed to be too close to the Super. Maybe it is self-preservation. Lena doesn't know. But she's having trouble breathing and has been since she left the visiting room. Lena's pulse races as she attempts to sidestep the taller woman. But Supergirl catches her arm and Lena has to shift into the wall to put distance between them.

Again Supergirl gravitates towards Lena, fingers like a brand against the brunette's arm. Somehow the superhero hasn't gotten the message that they're not supposed to be this close. Lena straightens her spine even as its presses against the cold concrete wall, managing to maintain her aloof mask despite the fact that she is the one trapped here.

Supergirl shakes her head, "You're making it very easy, Lena. First I find you plotting with that woman and now you're avoiding answering any of my questions—"

"That woman is my mother, Supergirl."

The Super's lips tighten into a thin line and she turns away, shoulders rigid. Lena breathes out, finally given an inch of space since she first began walking down the hallway. Then just as quickly Supergirl whips around and puts her hands on either side of the wall by Lena's head. Lena's heart stalls at the sudden movement and then beats twice as hard.

"Did you forget thatshe tried to kill you?" Supergirl demands angrily, but her eyes are wide and searching as she stares into Lena's, their noses nearly brushing.

"She didn't—"

"That woman would have let you die—"

"I don't see how that's any of your—"

"—and if not for me, you would have!"

Lena clenches her jaw, eye blazing. "Is that what this is about? Have you not received enough gratitude, Supergirl?" She spits out the title like a foul word. "Do you want me on my knees, groveling, thanking you for my life?"

The heat vanishes from the Super's eyes and she pulls back slightly, "No, of course—"

Lena pushes off the wall and steps into the other woman, "Do you want me to beg for your forgiveness? Should I be running it by the DEO any time I wish to speak to the woman who raised me?"

"Lena, stop—"

"Why? Because the mighty Supergirl ordains it so?" Lena can feel her anger rising and it tastes bitter in her mouth as she stalks forward and the hero gives ground; Supergirl's face slackens with shock even as Lena continues, "It must get lonely at the top. When you go home and there's no one left to boss around. No one there to worship you."

"Lena," Supergirl's eyes are blown wide as her back lands against the far wall. The breathless way she says the Luthor's name hits Lena in the gut with that strange deja-vu again. And that feeling mixed with her anger feels explosive. She's shaking and her fists can't clench tight enough to stop the tremor. Supergirl just watches her silently for a moment.

"You really do hate me then." It's not a question. The words fall from Supergirl's mouth quietly, like she's only just realized the truth. Lena's eyes feel hot as she glares at the shocked Super. The urge to cry is overwhelming, but she won't let herself be vulnerable in front of this woman. Not again. How it has taken Supergirl so long to come to this conclusion, Lena doesn't know. But it's easier to sell this hate than the truth so the next word falls from Lena's mouth easier than it should.

"Yes."

Supergirl's eyes flash angrily and her hands suddenly spin them around until Lena's the one that's trapped again. "How?" Supergirl demands, her palms smacking the wall and sending vibrations down the stone and into Lena's spine. "How is it possible that you can hate me? After everything. After all the times I saved you. Or do you not remember?"

Lena smiles bitterly, "Only as well as I remember the time you accused me of aiding and abetting a Worldkiller."

"But I was right to not trust you! You created Kryptonite!"

"I didn't make it to hurt you!"

"How could I know that?"

"How could you not?"

Supergirl just stares, shaking her head and Lena bites her lip, worried that she has given too much away. The silence stretches out between them only broken by the harshness of their breathing. And Lena's taking shallow breaths, trying her best to become concave, to sink into the wall and keep her body from touching Supergirl's. The proximity of her is unimaginable. Just one large breath would bring their chests together and it's too much. It's too painful. That Lena stands here in agonizing awareness of the warmth of Supergirl's body, unable to touch her, to hold her. All while Supergirl just stares at Lena like she is some pet that the hero doesn't get to play with anymore. Did Lena ever mean anything more to the Girl of Steel? No. If she did, Supergirl would not have turned her back so easily.

Lena breathes in sharply as she feels tears rising and turns her head to the side. Because even though she's not looking at Supergirl, Lena has to put some distance between them. Because in this one interaction her world is crumbling. She has built each brick and stone of her life carefully, putting up walls that would protect her. She thought James would be enough. He should have been enough. He loved her. Loved her. And here she was just wishing for something more with a person who couldn't care less.

"Lena."

"Stop," Lena's hands fly up to push Supergirl away because she's done. She can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. Warmth sears her knuckles as strong hands trap her own. Lena only meant to press against the woman with her fingertips, but now both her palms are flattened against Supergirl's stomach and she can feel every ridge, every muscle that ripples beneath her hands. Lena's breath catches in her throat and her eyes squeeze shut.

"Lena, look at me."

"I can't." Lena hates herself for admitting it, hates that her voice sounds wobbly and weak. She's a Luthor. She's neither of those things and yet each time this woman is around everything Lena thinks she knows about herself flies out the window.

The warmth leaves Lena's knuckles and spreads across her cheek. The sensation burns and Lena's eyes fly open, her gaze falling into an ocean of endless blue. Supergirl's expression is nearly as soft as her hand against Lena's cheek when she whispers, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I didn't know what to do and I panicked."

Lena doesn't know which time the Super is speaking of, but it doesn't matter. Her answer will always be the same, so she says it. She lets the words fall from her mouth, "You could have trusted me."

Supergirl nods, hands dropping back down to her side. "I wish I had. This rift between us has been killing me."

Lena's eyes widen and because she's watching carefully she notices when Supergirl's expression turns panicked and then smooths out quickly behind a tight smile. Lena's hands twitch and she realizes they're still pressed against the Super's stomach. She pushes Supergirl away gently. Not very far, but enough that Lena is no longer leaning against the wall.

"Why?"

"What?" Supergirl's confusion is plain.

"Why has this rift been killing you?"

The Super's mouth opens and her jaw jogs as she searches for an answer. "I care about you."

Lena's breathes in and asks again, "Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Just answer the question."

The blonde splutters and steps back, hands on her hips. "You are my friend. Of course, I care about you."

Lena clenches her jaw, her eyes rising to the ceiling. "I'm your friend?"

"Yes."

"When did that happen?" Lena snaps, spearing Supergirl with a heated glare. "You saved my life twice and I am grateful. Truly. I mean, I built you a freaking statue! But other than helping each other out a few times we have never spent time together. We are not friends. So why do you care about me?"

Supergirl glowers back, "Lena Luthor, you are my friend whether you like it or not."

Lena scoffs, hands resting on her hips even as that strange feeling of deja-vu steals over her once more. "You're my friend?"

"Yes," Supergirl snaps and gives Lena a petulant look as if she's tired of this conversation. But Lena doesn't pay attention to her irritation because the wheels are turning; the incredibly complex mechanism that is Lena Luther's mind has latched onto an idea and is testing its plausibility. It couldn't be. But at the same time it would explain so much.

"Put your hair up, now."

"What?!" Supergirl laughs sharply, beginning to look uncomfortable. And the awkwardness as she steps away only makes Lena more sure.

"Put. Your. Hair. Up." Lena stepped forward, her confidence rising as Supergirl's calm, intimidating facade crumbles. Lena's mouth twists into a vicious smile as she adds. "Did you bring your glasses with you?"

"I— I have to go," Supergirl's eyes are wide as she turns towards the door and Lena can just imagine her busting a hole in the roof to escape this inquisition. But that's not an option. If she leaves now, Lena will never forgive her.

"Kara Danvers, don't you dare leave," Lena's voice pitches higher as her best friend starts to stride away.

The blonde turns, hands raised, but legs still pulling her backwards. "I can't—"

"If you leave now," Lena warns her, "we are not friends anymore."

"Lena, I—" Kara pauses, but Lena can tell she won't stay. A lump forms in Lena's throat. This is so much worse than she thought. Losing Supergirl was one thing, but losing Kara Danvers. Losing them both. Kara's eyes are apologetic even as she says, "I'm sorry, it's just too much."

Something in Lena breaks at that. She can feel it splinter into pieces inside of her and she lets out a low, long laugh. "It's too much for you? You've been lying to my face ever since we met and this is too much for you?"

Kara's face is apologetic, torn, but she still backs away, "Lena—"

"No. No, you don't get to do this," Lena shakes her head, heart beating frantically. "You don't get to just walk away from me. The Kara Danvers I know is not a coward. Or did you lie about that too?"

Kara freezes and takes a deep breath, her hands coming up to cover her face for a moment before dropping to her side, defeated. And her pause is all the time Lena needs to march down the hallway until she's standing in front of her best friend. Supergirl stares back at her, the blue and red suit so distinctly different from anything Kara usually wears, but it is her. Lena can see it in the crinkle around the woman's eyes. The furrow in her brow. The set of her shoulders. And as soon as Lena sees it, the similarity, she cannot unsee it. She wonders how she was ever foolish enough to fall for such a paltry disguise as glasses and a different hairstyle.

"Well?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For lying."

"That's not good enough," Lena hisses and fists her hands to keep from shoving Kara.

"I know!" Kara says and runs a hand roughly through her hair. "I didn't mean to lie! I just— I didn't know you! I mean, you were a Luthor and I didn't know you. So I kept my identity a secret. And then we became friends and helped each other and I knew I could trust you, but I had all these reasons for not telling people! Good reasons. So I promised myself I'd come clean eventually, but I kept putting it off and then psyched myself out because there was thishuge lie between us. I doubted myself and doubted you and then you got so angry with me— I mean with Supergirl — and I didn't know what to do, okay? I didn't— I couldn't tell you! I'd lost you once as Supergirl and I didn't want to do it again as Kara Danvers. So… maybe I am more of a coward than either of us realized, but I didn't want to lose you! I didn't want to lose you… I know all of this just sounds like excuses, but it's the truth. You are too important to me and I panicked."

Lena shakes her head, "Everything you just said should have been more motivation to be honest with me. You don't build a friendship on lies, Kara. I told you everything about me. The good stuff. The bad. All the stuff about my family. I told you everything. And you should have been honest."

"I know," Kara murmurs, her head bent limply.

Lena feels her heart twinge at the sight, but she shoves the feeling down. "And why, if you're my best friend, are you here questioning me? Do you know how much that hurts? It's one thing for Supergirl to do it, but you, Kara? Do you really not trust me?"

"Of course, I trust you!"

"Then why were you here?"

"I don't know!"

"Why did you wait and make me feel guilty for seeing my mother?"

"Because she hurt you!" Kara steps forward, her expression wild. "She almost killed you. She manipulates you left and right and I can't stand the sad look on your face after you see her. So I waited to see if you were alright."

"And then made me feel like a criminal."

"I messed up, okay? I messed up."

Silence stretches out between them and Lena counts the marks on the floor below their feet, unable to look at Supergirl— at Kara. Her brain feels like it is misfiring. Or maybe it is just finally putting together all of the pieces. All of the similarities. All of the lunches and conversations. The strange inexplicable phenomenon of being in love with two women who seemed so vastly different from each other… only to find out that they are the same person. But then which parts were real? Which were lies? Everything suddenly begins to make sense to Lena and yet at the same time it becomes infinitely more confusing. And it's Kara's voice - the less forced, more natural tone of her voice which brings Lena out of her free-fall.

"Can you forgive me?"

Lena opens her mouth, still gazing at the floor, and then finally says, "I don't know."

"Why?" The question is pleading and the desperation pulls Lena's eyes up. Kara's brows are pinched, her face crestfallen as she stares back at the Luthor. And Lena feels both relief and dread as she looks into that face. Because finally that yearning obsession and desire for Supergirl weaves through her unwavering affection for her best friend, becoming something bigger, stronger. And Lena realizes in that moment, as her eyes roam over the planes of Kara's face, that this is what love should feel like. Friendship and foundation laced with desire and passion — all those things she has never felt for James. Tried to feel, but never felt. Still, a painful awareness comes on the heels of that realization. Because they have somehow lost that one, fundamental quality. Trust. How can Lena trust her?

"Why?" Kara prompts again, impatient to know if she can find absolution.

Lena sighs, "Because it's more complicated than that."

"How can it be more complicated? Everything is out in the open now! Everything. There are no more secrets between you and me."

"Well, that's not entirely true," Lena breathes out without even thinking then snaps her mouth shut. Too late. The admission already between them. Lena's stomach drops at that. Because Kara's secret has been revealed, but hers hasn't. And she never meant for it to be.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing," Lena says tightly. "Just forget it, okay?"

Lena steps past Kara and this time the Super lets her, the only sound echoing through the hallway is the click of Lena's heels as she leaves. It's only when she pushes through the front doors of the Prison and into the open air that she is able to take a breath. To fill her lungs and try to remove the strain of their interaction, but each breath only seems to add to the pain. Lena lets out a loud huff and blinks her eyes, trying desperately to keep back the tears that threaten to fall. She rummages for her phone, angry at herself that she didn't think to call for the car while she stormed out. She hits send on a quick message to her driver right before a large whoosh of air nearly knocks her back. Supergirl— Kara lands right in front of Lena, her arms in that classic hero posture on her hips.

"What did you mean?" Kara demands, jaw working. "I'm not gonna forget it. Not when you think there are still secrets between us. I've told you everything."

"I know that."

"Then what is it?"

"Just—"

"Do you have a secret?"

"Kara—"

"What did you do?"

"What?"

"Is this about the Kryptonite?"

Lena laughs sharply, "Of course, that's where your mind would go."

"I'm serious Lena. There are some very dangerous people who are targeting aliens and if you gave them—"

"It's not about the Kryptonite, Kara!"

"Then what did you do?"

"Stop accusing me of doing something! I'm not going to tell you. Not here. Not—"

"Fine," Kara nods and steps forward. "We can go somewhere else."

"What? That's not what I—"

A shriek escapes Lena's throat as Kara wraps her arms around Lena's waist and lifts them both into the air. Wind rushes past Lena's ears, roaring loudly as if she is driving through a long tunnel. Her eyes begin to water and she squeezes them shut against the harsh current. She tries not to, but her heart is beating from her stomach and fear gripping her chest, so she wraps her arms around Kara and clings to the Super for dear life. All of her angry words and muttered curses are caught up by the wind and even with Supergirl's hearing, Lena isn't sure if Kara can hear them.

Just as suddenly her feet hit solid ground and the wind stops howling. Lena wobbles slightly in her heels and grips onto Kara for support until she realizes what she's doing and then pushes Supergirl away with an angry growl.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Lena demands as Kara steps back and then smiles as her eyes travel the length of the Luthor. Lena clears her throat and pats her head to find that quite a bit of hair has fallen out of her pristine ponytail. She tucks the stray hair behind her ear and repeats her question in a hard voice.

"You said you couldn't tell me there so I brought you to my apartment." Kara indicates their surroundings and it's only then that Lena bothers to notice where the Super has flown them. It feels like ages since she has been in Kara's home and something tightens in her chest to be here now.

"If you had let me finish," Lena bites out, "you would know that I did not plan to tell you at all. Not here. Not ever."

Kara grimaces but takes a deep breath, undaunted. "Whatever you've done, you can tell me."

"How convenient seeing as we're not friends anymore and you're a liar."

"I stayed. I didn't walk away," Kara points her finger at Lena. "You may not have forgiven me yet, but I will always be your friend. Just tell me what you did!"

Lena sneers, "Why do you keep assuming I've done something?"

"Didn't you?"

"No."

"Then what is this big secret?"

"I never said it was big."

"No, but this conversation tells me it is. I'm not stupid, Lena."

"Am I your hostage now?"

"WHAT?!"

"Seeing as you basically kidnapped me from the prison, I thought we should be clear about what this is. Am I free to leave?"

"Of course—"

"Good." Lena spins towards the door. But Kara— Supergirl is faster. Lena laughs sharply as the caped hero rushes in front of the door.

"Just wait," Kara holds her hands up, pleading. "Don't leave like this."

"Why not?" Lena looks past the person who used to be her best friend, fixing her gaze on the doorframe. "I don't trust you. You don't trust me. We're not friends anymore. Why should I stay?"

"Fine. Don't stay. But if I've already lost you, then why not make it a clean break, huh? Whatever this secret is, you can tell me. And if you think it's going to hurt me, don't worry about it. Because I promise you that there is nothing you can say that will hurt more than you walking away like this."

Lena's chest cinches tightly and she swallows. Her green eyes sweep to Kara where she is braced against the door before Lena walks forward, counting each step until she stands right in front of the woman who used to be her best friend. "And I promise that telling you is going to hurt me more than you."

"I would never do anything to hurt you."

"You can't guarantee that," Lena murmurs between them. "You might not mean to, but you will. I know it."

Kara shakes her head, like she is at a loss for how else to convince Lena, then the Super stills. She raises her eyes to Lena's before asking one final question, "What do we have left to lose?"

Lena has stopped breathing. She's forgotten how to amidst the infinite cerulean of Kara's eyes which gaze back at her. Like time has stopped and it's just them. Just two people desperately trying to cling to something that is slipping away. And if it's already slipping away then what does Lena have left to lose? When she walks out that door it might be the last time. The last time she looks into those blue eyes or shares breath with this person whom she has come to care for so deeply. And the hurt which pounds through her heart reminds Lena of this.

So she steps forward. Two steps. One which brings her into Kara's space and causes the Super to straighten against the door. The second which brings them nearly flush and Lena breathes in deeply as she continues to stare at Kara's eyes, now blown wide. Lena lifts her hands to either side of Kara's face and ghosts them over her flushed cheeks. The moment seems to suspend before them as Lena leans forward slowly, by fractions, until she can feel the puff of Kara's sporadic breath against her lips.

Then just as slowly she captures Kara's breath with her own, sinking her lips into the soft perfection of Kara's mouth. All thoughts and worries. All pain and sadness leaves Lena in those brief moments where their lips meet. And happiness sings through her blood; a sense of rightness courses through her soul in a way she never imagined possible.

Kara remains frozen, stunned, when Lena pulls away to look at her, fingers still featherlight over the Super's face. There's no horror or disgust or any of the things Lena had dreamed of in her nightmares. Kara's face is blank, as if she's been hit over the head too hard and lost consciousness for a brief moment. Lena takes a breath and leans forward to press her cheek against Kara's. A goodbye.

She whispers softly in the Super's ear, "I'm in love with you Kara Danvers. That's my secret. I love you."

Lena steps away. And though her heart begs her to wait for the thaw which will eventually sweep over Kara's stunned expression, Lena cannot listen. She smiles sadly at the woman before her and turns the door handle, slipping into the hall beyond. Lena takes off her heels and walks barefoot down the endless flights of stairs. Her breath rattles in her lungs as she descends, exhilaration fading into something else in her chest. Something mixed. Because while she feels the tender grief of that bridge crumbling between them, she also feels irrevocably, inexplicably… free.

A/N: No beta for this so forgive any minor mistakes!

Also, if you haven't listened to The Staves sing Jolene, you should absolutely check it out. It is incredible.

Reviews give me life so please leave a comment!