Authors Notes:
Disclaimer: We, the Marauders of the Quill, own nothing but our story. All characters and places created by the esteemed J.K. Rowling are her exclusive property, and any of the other characters that may appear in this work belong to the people that created them. This work was created solely as a labor of love, and no money is or ever shall be made from it. Also, no house-elves were injured in the making of this fanfic.
Yes, we felt that it was important to write you all, the readers, this note, or more importantly this word of warning.
Yes, this story is tremendously SILLY! We ask you to take it with a grain of salt. This is far from being an HP Fan Fic classic, but truly a classic of its own. For those of you who have seen "Shaun of the Dead," which was our inspiration, you will know why we have taken this unusual route.
We only ask you to have fun reading this story and enjoy the all the inside jokes that we have provided.
This is the first Marauders of the Quill story ever written and posted. It was a comprised effort of both Sharptooth and Flame, one half of the Marauders. We alternated between chapters in order to best compliment each others styles and efforts.
Flame: On a personal note, this experience has been one of a kind. Many times over we have laughed and laughed at the antics which we put down on paper, and thought on how we could surpass ourselves. Yet, each and every time we consistently did. Sometimes, we have to look beyond the seriousness of our favorite characters and just wonder, "What If???" So, here is the perfect "What If" scenario. But rest assured, that this story will not be the last you will see of "Ron of the Dead" as we have many more surprises in store with this story!
Sharptooth: This story was probably one of the most fun experiences that I've had in a long time. Flame has been a joy to work with, and it has brought together a great friendship. To be able to poke fun at almost every pop culture icon has been a dream come true. Ron of the Dead is just the start of more things to come. I hope you like what we've done, but if you don't, that's okay too. Just read it and form your own opinion, and hopefully you'll come back for more.
Summary: Ron of the Dead is a fanciful romp through a land filled with mischief and mayhem. Come along with us and see how the Hogwarts Theatre troupe addresses Halloween, and deals with anything and everything that could come from a loveable Mr. Murphy and his laws.
Ron
of the Dead
PROLOGUE
[CUE MUSIC]
Dumbledore fixed his robes as the floor manager counted down from five…four…three…two…
[CUE HOST]
"Welcome to the premier of WWT's Hogwarts Theatre. I am your host, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore," said the Headmaster. "This week, I am proud to present you a special treat. As you recently heard, our students at Hogwarts have decided to adopt several muggle traditions, therefore they have taken their creative interests towards to world of the cinema, as they call it. I have the distinct pleasure of presenting to you this special feature. It is a story about those who are believed to be meek, and stand up when people need them the most. It is reflective of intrigue, mystery and survival…all qualities of possessing a true Gryffindor spirit. Without further interruption, Hogwarts Theatre is proud to begin our version of "Ron of the Dead."
[FADE TO BLACK]
[CUE MUSIC]
[CUE OPENING CREDITS]
Ron of the Dead
A Marauders of the Quill Production
STARRING
Ron Weasley as "The Hero"
Hermione Granger as "The Heroine"
Harry Potter as "Mate"
Fred & George Weasley as "Gred and Forge"
Ginny Weasley as "The Queen of the Curses"
Neville Longbottom as "The Scared Kid"
and
Tom Riddle as "The Bad Guy"
ALSO STARRING
Draco Malfoy
Pansy Parkinson
Cho Chang
Michael Corner
Dolores Umbridge
Rubeus Hagrid
Severus Snape
Peter Pettigrew
And
Percy Weasley
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY
Hedwig
Dobby the House Elf
and
other SURPRISE SPECIAL GUESTS!
[FADE MUSIC]
[FADE TO]
CHAPTER ONE
The scene opens in the great hall. All students and staff are gathered together for an early breakfast. The hall is decorated in black and orange, for it's Halloween and Dumbledore has something special planned for the student body.
"Ladies and gentlemen, first of all may I say how happy I am that today is Halloween! As you know, Halloween is a special day for wizards and witches therefore it is my pleasure to invite you all to the surprise festivities for this evening, not including our Annual Halloween Ball. First, borrowing a page from last year, we have transformed the Quidditch field into a Halloween maze filled with ghosts, ghouls and goblins."
Murmurs broke out through the student body.
"Not to worry, not to worry," said Dumbledore. "I assure you that they will not hurt you, but only frighten you in the spirit of Halloween. But that's not all. We have also created a special scavenger hunt to be played throughout the grounds at Hogwarts. You are encouraged to sign up in teams to play this evening. Please sign up with Professor McGonagall before you leave this morning. As a bonus, the winning team will receive a fifty galleon shopping spree to any store in Hogsmeade!"
Everyone stood up and cheered. Immediately students began talking in order to form their respective teams.
"One more announcement, please…please sit down," interrupted Dumbledore. "We will begin our festivities at seven this evening with our special buffet feast here in the Great Hall. Afterwards, beginning at half past eight, the Ball will begin when we will be opening the floor to dancing and contests. Our maze and hunt will also begin at half past eight. Now, at the Ball, we will restart a prized ceremony that we halted many years ago. Tonight we will crown the King and Queen of the Halloween Ball. This is to be the best Halloween that Hogwarts has ever celebrated."
"This is going to be soooo cool, mate!" Ron said.
"Hold on there, Ron," Harry replied. "Did you forget that we have a DA meeting tonight?"
"WHAT?" Fred and George cried out. "But it's Halloween, Harry!"
"I know, I know, but we still have lots to do."
They all lowered their head in sadness.
Harry snickered at their reactions. "Well, I guess we can get out a little earlier, say about half past seven?"
"Ooooh mate, that gives us just enough time to eat and get ready for the hunt!" said Ron.
"Hold on," said Hermione. "We don't even have a team yet, much less a captain."
"Problem solved," said Fred.
"Yes, I volunteer Harry as captain," said George.
Harry cleared his throat quite nervously. "Are you sure about picking me?"
"Of course, mate! Who would be better than you?" replied Ron.
Harry shrugged. "Okay then; who wants to be on my team?"
"Do you really have to ask?" said Ginny.
"That's one then," said Harry.
"Uh, mate," said Ron, pointing to himself and Hermione.
"Three!"
"With your kind permission Captain, George and I would be most honored to be graced by your leadership and fighting spirit this evening…" said Fred.
"…therefore Fred and I would like to partake in our continuing study of our mentor here as members of your team…in order to study you closer so we can grow up to be just like you!" said George.
Harry blushed and rolled his eyes. "That's five then."
A soft, timid voice spoke out. "Harry, do you mind if I'm your team also?" asked Neville.
"Of course, Neville! I'm glad you want to join us!" answered Harry.
"Neville, where's Luna?" Hermione asked.
"Oh, she had to go home for Halloween for some reason. She told me to wish you all a Happy Halloween before she left."
"Too bad," said Fred and George together.
"What shall we call ourselves," asked Ginny.
"I saw an American movie on muggle television a long time ago about a group of seven cowboys. It was called "The Magnificent Seven," said Hermione.
"I like that name, Hermione! What do you think, mate?" said Ron.
"That sounds fine," said Harry. "The Magnificent Seven it is then."
"Okay, I'll tell Professor McGonagall right now," said Ginny, who rose from her seat and walked over to the Assistant Headmistress.
[FADE TO]
Professor Dumbledore was sitting behind his desk chair for the next segment. Fawkes, his trusty Phoenix is sitting on a perch behind him.
"As our story progresses, young Harry has formed his team for the Halloween Scavenger Hunt…and may I say what a formidable team it is. But before we can get to the evening's festivities, our story takes us to a pivotal point when Harry meets young Mr. Malfoy outside Potions class.
[CUE PHOENIX SONG]
[FADE TO]
The sun rises over Hogwarts this morning. Inside, pumpkins are lined along the great staircase. They sing a Halloween song.
Trick or treat!
Smell our feet!
Give us something good to eat!
"Hey!" says the pumpkin with the evil grin to the pumpkin with the goofy grin. "We don't have feet!"
"We don't?" says the pumpkin in response.
"No, you idiot!"
"Men, time to come up with a new song, immediately!" The pumpkins began discussing new lyrics.
Meanwhile, Ron, Hermione and Harry are approaching the door leading to the Potions classroom. Awaiting them already are the faces of Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson.
"Well, look at what we have here. Already wearing your costumes, because those are the most frightening masks I have ever seen," said Draco.
"Sod off, Malfoy!" responded Ron.
"Weasel, don't you ever get tired of just telling me to sod off? Don't you know any other reply besides that one?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," said Ron, rolling up his robe sleeves and clenching up his fists. He began to walk towards Draco, but Hermione grabbed onto his arm. Draco pulled out his wand and shot a hex towards Ron.
"Clumduliess Awforun!"
Harry pushed Ron out of the way and took the hex dead on. He fell to the ground with a thud. Pansy blurted out a loud cackle. Neville reached out towards Draco and pushed him to the ground. Professor Snape interrupted the moment.
"What is going on here?" asked Snape.
"Please sir," said Hermione, "Malfoy insulted Ron and then shot him a hex, which hit Harry instead."
"I was only protecting myself, sir," said Draco. "Weasley was coming towards me to hit me for some reason and I had to stop him. Instead, Longbottom pushed me to the ground."
"Fifty points from Gryffindor. Potter, get yourself to your home away from home at the hospital wing," said Snape.
Harry got back to his feet and dusted himself off. "I'm alright, sir. I don't feel a thing."
Draco shot Harry an evil smirk.
"Everyone inside now!" exclaimed Snape. The students rushed in to take a seat. Snape moved his way to the podium and cleared his throat." "Quills down! I have an introduction to make." The door to Snape's back office opened. She stood there also dressed head to toe in black. Her hair was pulled back in a bun, graying quite a bit. Her face was pale and wrinkled. She gave everyone a hard look, never showing any emotion at all. She walked over to the podium and stood next to it. "This is my sister. She is quite excellent in potion making and will assist us throughout the rest of the year preparing you for your O.W.L.s."
"Professor," said Pansy Parkinson. "How may we address your sister respectfully?"
Ron turned to Harry and whispered. "He's got a sister?"
The woman took a step forward and spoke in a demure, but stern tone. "My name is…Frau Blücher."
Somewhere in the background, a horse's neigh is heard.
Class progressed as always for Harry. He was made the subject of several ridicules by Snape and his sister. To add to the insults, Harry began to feel a bit clumsy. He dropped a few of his ingredients several times, and then when class ended, Harry placed all his books in his bag and walked out of the class only to have his book rip in two, spilling everything on the floor.
Ron and Hermione gave Harry a hand. Harry piled everything into his arms and walked back to the common room. After giving the password to the portrait of the Fat Lady, he stepped over the threshold and tripped spilling everything once again including himself. Harry looked up to see the common room filled with his belongings. He shook his head and then placed it on the floor with a hard thud.
"OUCH!"
[FADE TO]
Professor Dumbledore stood feeding Fawkes a few treats, and brushing his feathers with a gentle stroke.
"Suffice it to say that Harry's day would worsen." Dumbledore turned to face the camera. "Ah yes, young Mr. Potter was hit with the Clumsy Curse, which always expires at midnight. Therefore Harry has a long time to somehow deal with his current disability. In the courtyard, Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger were sitting under an oak tree conversing about their lives."
[FADE TO]
"Ron, what are you planning on doing with your life after graduation?" asked Hermione.
"I've thought about it, 'Mione. I would have liked to be an Auror, but I don't think I have the courage for the job."
Hermione slapped him on the arm. "Are you kidding? Of course you have courage! Who played the game of chess when we were looking for the Philosopher's Stone? Who went down into the Chamber of Secrets? Who went to Aragog's lair?"
Ron shuddered. "Please don't remind me of Aragog."
"It's just that you always find a way to put yourself down. Who cares that you're afraid of spiders. I hate flying! We're all afraid of something. Remember the boggart in Professor Lupin's class two years ago? We saw everyone's fears that day."
"Yeah, I guess you're right, Hermione."
"As always," she said jokingly.
Ron smiled at her. He looked deep into her brown eyes and lost himself in them. He wished he could only lean over and show Hermione just how much he truly liked her, but he thought that she would reply with the same right hand like she gave Malfoy before.
"Have you seen Harry?" asked Hermione to break the silence.
"No! Last time I saw him he was going back to the dorm to get a new bag. That must have been hours ago," said Ron.
"What do you think?" said Hermione quizzically.
"Yeah, let's go," said Ron, who took Hermione by the hand and walked back towards the Gryffindor common room.
When they entered, they saw spots among spots of dried ink all over the rug. Furniture was turned over. "Harry…" said Hermione with a deep concern. Ron ran up to his dorm and threw open the door. Three of the five beds had collapsed, their canopies torn. The other two beds were burned to cinders. The fireplace appeared to be scorched. Ron's poster of the Chudley Cannons no longer had players flying through. They all appeared to be peering around the edge with their eyebrows singed.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Ron. Then, sitting on the floor in a corner was Harry. "Harry mate, what happened?"
"Where do I begin?" said a dejected Harry Potter.
Hermione entered the room in a run. She was out of breath. "The common room is cleaned up and…what happened here?"
"That's what Harry was going to tell me," spoke Ron.
[FADE TO]
Professor Dumbledore was admiring the sword of Godric Gryffindor before he turned to the camera once again.
"And so Harry told his friends of his persistent clumsiness. He fell over beds, tried turning on the fireplace to relieve him of his cold, but unfortunately the fire got out of hand, and in his efforts to put the fire out, his wand performed reverse spells that cause further havoc in the bedroom."
Professor Dumbledore took several steps closer to the camera while continuing to speak.
"Ron and Hermione listened intently. Soon after several Reparo spells, they had the dorm just like new. But it didn't end there." Dumbledore nodded his head and winked, as his spectacles were now across the mid bridge of his nose.
[FADE TO]
"Mate, are you going to be alright going down the stairs?" asked Ron.
"I hope so," said Harry timidly.
"I'll be right in front of you," said Ron.
And so they went carefully down the stairs, Hermione following right behind with an arm outstretched on Harry's shoulder. Ron stood sideways on each stair, waving Harry down carefully. Harry grabbed onto the railing with both hands tightly. His knuckles turned ghost white.
"Come on, mate. You only have five steps to go."
Hermione held Harry tightly by the collar of his robes now. She was focused on her friend until she saw a white shadow pass by the corner of her eye. "Hedwig?" she said.
Harry turned to ask Hermione what she had said. That was all it took. Harry went head first right into Ron. His robes tore right down the middle and remained in Hermione's grasp. Her eyes bulged as the heap, known as her friends, were strewn in unusual positions across the floor. She sighed and blew and strand of hair out of her face.
Ron picked himself up and offered Harry a hand. "Alright there, mate?"
Harry did not take Ron's hand. "Can't I just stay here until we figure out what happening to me?"
Ron laughed. "Not likely. Let's go."
Harry got up and attempted to balance himself. Hermione walked past the two directly towards Hedwig who was hooting for their attention. She had brought a large package. Hermione took the card and handed it to Harry. "It's for you, Harry/"
Harry took the card and opened up, giving himself a paper cut in the process.
"Who's it from?" asked Ron who was watching Harry suck on his bloody finger.
Dear Harry,
Today is Halloween, and Remus and I thought that it was time for you to take your turn as the King of the Halloween Ball, as your father did so many years ago. You may be asking if this is a Marauder joke. I assure you that it is not. Therefore, Remus and I are sending you James' Scepter. It's not fancy or anything. In fact, it was made from a muggle cricket bat. But just the same, it should now belong to you. Bear it in front of all your subjects this evening and declare yourself as "The Great Pumpkin" as you sit in the Halloween Throne of Honor. Some time during the dance, please hand the Scepter over to Hagrid. He will know what to do with it.
Remus also wants to tell you to make the Marauders proud tonight during the Scavenger Hunt. We're sure that you will be forming a team of your own to compete, so I strongly urge you to get Fred and George to join you and use as many of their jokes as possible.
We are well, and hope to see you during the Christmas holiday.
Love,
Sirius and Remus
Ron bore the biggest grin on his face. He tore open the paper to reveal a wooden cricket bat adorned with pumpkin and bat stickers. Ron fell down laughing.
"Honestly, Ron! This belonged to Harry's dad. Have some sentiment, will you?" Hermione said in a huff. Harry followed suit and began laughing as well. Hermione tried her hardest to refrain from grinning, but she soon began to laugh as well.
The portrait swung open. Fred and George, along with Ginny walked into the common room. They stopped when they saw the laughing taking place. Ginny stepped forward and pounced on Ron. She began to tickle him. Fred and George began to encourage Ginny to keep going, before they stopped when their eyes saw what was lying on the table.
"Fred, do you know what this is?" George spoke, with his eyes wide and his grin expanding from ear to ear.
"Blimey George, it can't be possible!..after all these years!"
Harry began to calm down and looked at the twins quite confused. "You know what this is?" he asked.
"But of course, my Captain," said Fred. "A true piece of Marauder legend…the immortal Halloween Scepter!"
"See mate," said George, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, "When your Dad, Sirius and Lupin were in school, Sirius became the King of the Halloween Ball in their first year. Well, your Dad and Lupin of course were on his back about it for so long, that your Dad, after the Christmas holiday, came back to Hogwarts with this piece of wood all decorated with these pictures. He gave it to Sirius during one snowy evening in front of all the Gryffindors in the common room. Lupin arranged this big crowning ceremony and got all the students involved. It was a real hoot."
"Then," continued Fred, "year after year, Sirius, Lupin and your Dad began trading off the King title for all seven years they were here. Your dad was the last King that Hogwarts crowned and took the Scepter home with him after graduation. Blimey Harry, we have got to make sure you become King tonight! You must follow in the Marauders footsteps!"
"It is a moral imperative!" said George.
Ginny was now standing up next to Harry and began to tickle him endlessly. The twins, Ron and Hermione joined in, chanting repeatedly, "MY KING! MY KING! MY KING!"
[FADE TO]
Professor Dumbledore stood next to the portrait of his predecessor Armando Dippet.
"And so we bring to a conclusion the first chapter of our inaugural. We hope you enjoyed this first episode of "Ron of the Dead" and look forward to welcoming you back next time for another spine-chilling adventure here on Hogwarts Theatre. I am Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, and I wish you a good day."
[CUE MUSIC]
[FADE TO BLACK]