Harry lay on his bed in the Dursley's house, about a week before the beginning of the seventh novel feeling rather depressed as he had just been, as usual, starved, raped and beaten by the Dursley's, even though it has never been stated that he was ever raped, beaten or even properly starved.
Suddenly, as if by magic, he was no longer in his bedroom, but in the Room of Requirement. Considering the fact that the Room of Requirement has no real shape and can be whatever you want it to be, how he actually knew that it was the Room of Requirement I don't know. He just did.
Harry gasped as he looked around the room... He wasn't even alone or anything!
That's right, as soon as he appeared in the room Ron and Hermione ran up to him screaming. And that wasn't even the end of it...
The whole Order of the Phoenix was there too! (or at least the ones people don't conveniently forget about): Mad-Eye Moody, Kingsley, Bill, Fleur, Arthur, Molly, Charlie, Fred, George and Ginny were there too, as were Lupin and Tonks, who Harry suddenly knew were married, even though he hadn't seen them for two months. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sirius and Dumbledore appeared too, even though they're meant to be dead.
Why did they appear if they are supposed to be dead?
Because they can.
Percy and Snape appeared, too, even though everybody hated them.
Everyone stood around, talking to their respective partners/family/friends as if being transported to a room in the middle of the night with a handful of work colleagues was the most normal thing in the world. This was probably due to the fact that, according to the history of Fanfiction time, this had happened a good number of times.
"What's going on?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione but before he could even speak or anything, a group of teenage girls had appeared. They all squealed and ran towards Harry and the rest of the people that no one really cares about.
One of the girls ran straight up to Dumbledore.
"YOU PAEDOPHILE!" She screamed. "EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU DO SECRETLY! I HATE YOU, YOU MANIPULATIVE BASTARD! YOU KILLED EVERYONE!"
She then punched him in the face and he was mauled by a group of teenage girls.
Another whispered something to two of her friends and they then gasped and proceeded to run, full pelt, towards Tonks.
"It's her!" the first one shouted. These girls did not look happy. Not in the slightest.
"Erm... Wotcher, various teenage girls."
The teenage girls did not seem to take this greeting nicely, even when Tonks smiled sheepishly and waved.
"Kill her!" One of the girls growled as her eyes glowed red. The group then proceeded to pull out spears and pitch-forks.
"Shit! What'd I do?"
"RAAAAH! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. WE HATE YOU! REMUS AND SIRIUS FOR EVARRRRHHHHH!"
She was then chased around the room by the bunch of screaming Slash fangirls who repeatedly attempted to stab her in the back, face and legs.
"EVERYONE HATES YOU!"
"REMUS NEVER LOVED YOU!"
"YOU SHOULD'VE DIED INSTEAD OF SIRIUS!"
Before anyone could do anything, Ginny was dragged past Harry by another group of girls who were chanting
"Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice."
They then attempted to throw her onto the fire.
"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCHES!" Molly screamed, but she was then speared by more fangirls. Fangirls dislike Ginny, apparently.
From the corner of his eye Harry saw Lupin being chained to Sirius. One of the girls shouted
"IT'S OKAY! WE KNOW YOU'RE SECRETLY GAY! BE HAPPY!"
"I'M NOT GAY!" Shouted Lupin indignantly- jeez, he was married, why did people keep saying that? It hurt his feelings...
"NOOOO!" The girl screamed. "YOU HAVE TO MARRY SIRIUS AND HAVE AN EXTREMELY GOTHIC DAUGHTER NAMED TRISTANIA PANDORA OPHELIA DARKNESS RAVEN WOLFE EBONY BLACK LUPIN!"
"How the hell can two men have a child?" Sirius asked, bewildered.
"Mpreg! Duh..."
At this, another girl threw herself at Sirius' feet.
"Nooooo!" she wailed. "You love Severus!"
"Wait, what?" Sirius asked, bewildered.
Before Harry could help his Godfather, Draco Malfoy had suddenly appeared.
"What the-"
"DRACO!" A girl ran up to him, squealing.
"QUICKLY, QUICKLY, IN THE CUPBOARD WITH HERMIONE!"
"What? Why in Merlin's name would I get into a cupboard with that Mudblood?"
"Because you love her, duh!"
"What... No, wait!" Hermione screamed as one of the fangirls dragged her and Draco towards a cupboard.
She then locked it and returned.
"Ronald" she said "You suck. We love all your brothers at least one hundred and fifty times more than you. Please, go die. WEASLEY BASHING!"
Ron, who was suddenly very, very OOC for no reason ran off crying to the emo corner. Percy was sat in said emo corner, sobbing because the fangirls had told him they wanted to kill him.
Harry glanced around. Fred had been tackled by at least fifty fangirls, who were all lying on top of him. Another of the girls had a stack of books and was attempting to hand them to Mad-Eye, Arthur and Molly.
"Go on! You must read them!" she was insisting. "THEY WILL SAVE THE FUTURE! YOU HAVE TO READ THESE STRANGE BOOKS!"
Another group of fangirls had cornered Bill and Fleur. They were attempting to drag Fleur away towards Charlie.
"Hurry, hurry!"
"Why? What 'az 'appened to Bill? What about my fiancée? Bill! Bill! 'Elp me! Zeez leetle girls are trying to steal me!"
"No, no!" one of the girls was saying. "You have to have an affair with Charlie! Then it turns out that your second-born child Dominique is actually his daughter!"
"What are you talking about? Don't I even get a choice in zeez?"
"No!"
Harry watched before his eyes as Bill was dragged towards a random American girl.
"YOU HAVE TO MARRY HER!"
"Why?"
"BECAUSE OF THE MARRIAGE LAW!"
"What marriage law?"
"THE ONE THAT THE MINISTRY JUST PASSED!"
One of the ever-growing number of girls had now thrown herself on Sirius' other foot and was screaming
"NO! YOU LOVE HERMIONE!"
It was mass panic in the room. Fred was buried under a pile of sobbing bodies; Hermione and Draco were still locked in the cupboard; Ron was sobbing in the corner with Percy; Mad-Eye had ended up burning the books, which had then magically re-appeared because they were indestructible, apparently; Arthur and Kingsley were being forced to write a marriage law; Molly was being screamed at for apparently killing Bellatrix; Ginny was trying (and failing) to put out the fire raging around her; Lupin and Sirius were trying to struggle free of their binds; Bill was being forced into a marriage with an American girl; Fleur and Charlie were also being forced into a marriage...
One girl even ran up to Harry insisting that Snape was his father.
"He is! Your mother had an affair! Just like Narcissa did so you're actually Draco's half-brother! Who you love and shag a lot! Oh and your parents are also Bellatrix and Voldemort, that's why they hate you so much!"
"Uhh..."
George had come to stand beside him, looking puzzled. The girl turned to him and gasped.
"Why aren't you shagging Fred?"
"Excuse me?" He looked disgusted.
"TWINCEST!" The girl screeched.
There was an explosion and the girls that had been chasing Tonks all died. One crawled up to Harry, gasping
"Please... Don't fight with Draco over me... Learn to love again..." And then proceeded to die.
Before Tonks could truly get away, though, another fangirl had grabbed her. The teenage girl cleared her throat.
"Why are you over here?"
"Because I-"
"You should be over there!" She said, gesturing towards a vague bed that had appeared vaguely. VAGUELY.
"What?"
The girl sighed.
"You still need to shag..." She pulled out and unrolled a piece of parchment. "Charlie because you schooled with him, Bill because he's two years older, Fred and/or George preferably at the same time because they're twins, Harry because you can, Ron because he's inexperienced, Ginny because everyone knows you're gay, Sirius because he's youre cousin, Mad-Eye because he's your mentor and Kingsley too... Oh and Draco... In fact, screw the list." she screwed up the parchment and threw it over her shoulder. "You have to screw basically every Order member. Apart from Mundungus, no one cares about him. That includes Fleur. Oh and Ginny and Hermione, because you're quite obviously gay. Your Uncles Lucius and Rodolphus too... Whilst you're at it you should probably go for Rabastan too as well as Dolohov... Oh and don't forget Draco and Sirius... At some point you need to go really, really evil and shack up with your Aunt Bellatrix and Tom Riddle Jr too. Basically just about everyone that isn't your husband."
Tonks' mouth hung open. In fact, so did Harry's. Jeesh, okay, so maybe the whole 'seduced by an older woman thing' was kinda hot but he was with Ginny, why didn't people get that? Well, at least he was until she got burnt to death...
"W-what? Wait... Bellatrix? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"Duh! Gosh, didn't you know you were secretly in love with her. Keep up with the times."
"But why would I do that?"
"Because everyone knows that you're a bisexual super-mega-cheating-slut-whore-slimebag who cheats on Remus in odd corridors in the Ministy for no reason, even though you just spent a whole year trying to convince him to fuck you. It's fine though because Remus secretly loves Sirius and is only with you so that he can abuse and dominate you into transforming into Sirius because he misses him. Anyway, it runs in the family I mean, jeesh, do you know how many random children Bellatrix has had with everyone but her own husband? She has at least twenty with Voldy, five with Rabastan, seven with Lucius... Oh and Lucius is your father, by the way. Your mother secretly loves him."
Before Tonks could say anything another girl had thrown herself at her feet, sobbing and saying
"Why did you do this to Remus, whhhhyyyy? He's sensitive and lovely how could you?"
Fleur was then dragged past them screaming as various people screamed
"FRENCH SLUT!" at her.
Dumbledore had been cornered and was now being told stories about how in love with Professor McGonagall he was. Hermione managed to break out of the cupboard and was running free until another girl shoved her in there with George, telling her how she was secretly in love with the twins as another screamed "DRAMIONE" repeatedly at her. Ginny was still being burnt.
Harry rushed towards Ginny and tried to free her from the flames.
"HE'S YOUR DAD! HE IS HE IS!" The girl from before started shouting at Harry again, appearing at his side.
To his left he noticed that Luna and Neville had appeared and another girl was sobbing and screaming at them.
"Why didn't you get together? Why? WHY?"
In the end Harry, who had become more and more OOC by the second, screamed "FUCK IT!", left Ginny and sat in the middle of the floor.
Ginny was burnt; Fleur had, who was now apparently married to Charlie, was also burnt; Tonks was sitting on the floor rocking and saying "I'm a good person, I'm a good person"; Bill was with his new American wife; Fred was still being suffocated, dubbed 'the favourite twin'; George was in the cupboard with Hermione; Ron was with Percy in the corner, crying; Dumbledore had been killed due to being a manipulative douchebag, apparently; Mad-Eye had been buried under a pile of 'Harry Potter' books.
Sirius and Remus were the worst, chained together as fangirls screamed at them, telling them how in love they were. They looked ready to kill themselves.
A group had settled themselves around Snape in a circle, pointing at him and bobbing up and down in time as they sang
"HE'S CLIMBIN IN YO' WINDOWS, HE'S SNATCHIN' YO' PEOPLE UP, TRYIN' RAPE EM' SO YA'LL NEED TO HIDE YO' KIDS, HIDE YO' WIFE, HIDE YO' KIDS, HIDE YO' WIFE, HIDE YO' KIDS, HIDE YO' WIFE AND HIDE YO' HUSBAND 'CAUSE THEY RAPIN' ERRYBODY OUT THERE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME AND CONFESS WE LOOKIN' FO' YOU, WE GON' FIN' YOU, WE GON' FIN' YOU SO YOU CAN RUN AND TELL THAT, RUN AND TELL THAT, RUN AND TELL THAT HOMEBOY HOME, HOME, HOMEBOY."
A strange calm came over Harry was he watched the scenes before him unfold.
"Hey, Potter, wanna go screw?" asked Draco as he approached Harry.
Harry shrugged.
"Sure."
-End.
A/N: I really don't want to have to put this note up but I shall. Firstly, if you take any of this seriously... Just don't. This is a joke, a parody and is aimed at no one.
I will admit myself guilty of a few of these. I myself quite like Charlie/Tonks. I have written a tiny, tiny piece of freeverse about Fleur and Charlie. I'm happy to laugh at myself.
I don't care myself for slash or many of the pairings I have mentioned here but if you do, I honestly don't care. People have different opinions.
So, I bid you all adieu, review if you feel like it and... That's about it, really. Au Revoir, mes amie.