A/N: I own nothing- J.K Rowling owns it all and I'm just playing about with her characters :)
He was glad to be alone tonight. Almost midnight and therefore almost ten years to the day since he first glimpsed that fiery red hair and those brilliant emerald eyes. Their paths were no longer intertwined but though they both had gone their separate ways Severus still had a place in his heart which would always be just for Lily. Always. As he did every year on this very date he sat on a rusty old swing on which he had once watched Lily play, swinging higher and higher until she...well flew through the air-the first time they spoke. He liked to sit there quietly, gently swinging but with very little effort or enthusiasm. This place held happy memories but that was all he had left of her now...memories. It was only a few seconds until midnight now, the only time Severus ever allowed himself to wallow in his sadness, the only time he allowed himself to fully and wholly mourn his lost friendship with Lily. Many happy moments flashed through his mind as the seconds slowly ticked down...
10
Lily reaching up to pull a leaf out of his hair
9
Snape being chased around the garden by her wretched dog, Snuffles, as Lily looked on, doubled in two with laughter
8
Lily falling asleep on his shoulder on a very wet September first as they travelled to Hogwarts
7
Effortlessly producing the Draught of Peace together while the rest of the class, sweaty and flustered tried in vain to produce the potion
6
Lazing about down by the lake after exams
5
That one brilliant year when Lily stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas
4
A lazy summer day in Lily's front garden-after Severus had made sure Snuffles was inside
3
Lily hexing Potter for using his wand to write 'property of James Potter' on her forehead
2
"You're the best friend a girl could ask for Sev"
1
Lily hugging him tightly for no reason in particular
Midnight.
He felt the dark mark on his arm burn, startling him from his precious memories. Did the Dark Lord know his thoughts? With one final glance around their old haunt and one final pang of heartache he apparated to Voldemort's side.
A battle was in full swing.
"My Lord?" said Snape
"Your skills are required Snape. Do not disappoint me." His voice was barely audible but dripping with venom. Threat fully implied.
Without further question he delved into the raging battle between the Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix. There could not have been more than five present on each side but brightly coloured spells shot everywhere, fire blazing around them and the cries of various spells and sometimes pain pierced the starless night.
Severus packed his sorrow into a little box in his mind, not to be opened until next year. He was not a fool who wore his heart proudly on his sleeve. He was not weak.
Instantly, he got caught up in a battle with one of the order. A short woman with a face Snape knew was generally lit up with a smile. Alice Longbottom, one of Lily's dearest friends. Something inside made this fight personal to Snape. He would take vindictive pleasure in hurting Lily by getting to Alice. Let her feel the pain and loss he felt when she gave her hand to Potter. He dodged various spells she sent flying his way as she easily side-stepped every curse he tried to hit her with. They looked as though they were involved in some unusual dance with all their ducking and diving and they were very closely matched in ability. Getting his revenge on Lily might prove more difficult than he first thought.
Suddenly more and more people seemed to join the fray and Alice was momentarily distracted as someone apparated by her side, just for a fraction of a second but seizing his chance Snape shouted "Crucio!"
Alice fell to the floor screaming in agony as Snape watched on. There it was. That twisted pleasure that only came from inflicting suffering. Severus felt his inner turmoil for the nostalgia of the night dissolve as Alice cried out in pain. He was so caught up in the moment he didn't see it coming.
"Expelliarmus!"
His wand shot out of his hand and landed some three feet away. Instinctively he crouched down and dived towards it. Within seconds he was back on his feet wand pointed directly at the heart of his attacker who wore a long purple cloak and was hooded. They started firing an assortment of spells at each other, all of them missing but all the while the two moved closer and closer together. Then, as though from nowhere, a death eater was sent shooting backwards knocking the figure over, hood falling in the process. It was Lily Evans. For one long moment they both stared at each other open mouthed. Their friendship died a long time ago but were they truly capable of attacking each other?
Snape made up Lily's mind for her. "STUPEFY!"
He really did not want to hurt her and so the best way forward was surely to stun her. She easily parried the curse away and they again entered into an exchange of different jinxes and hexes none of which hit their target. Snape smiled in spite of himself-back at Hogwarts they enjoyed nothing more than a little gentle duelling practice. He was reminded of how beautiful she looked in battle-her hair matching her fury, eyes burning with intensity and concentration while she moved sinuously as though to music. A vision in violet.
It took Severus a moment to realise he finally had her. He had managed to disarm her when she turned her head as she heard James cry out in pain from some distant fight.
There before him knelt Lily Evans, defenceless and vulnerable with hatred blazing from her beautiful green eyes. Those eyes never failed to impress him no matter how many times he had seen them nor how much anger they held for him. With his master prowling through the battle not too far away what was he to do? If Voldemort saw him there with Lily Severus would pay the price for sparing her. What were his options? He made his mind up almost instantly as he saw only one-one way to remove Lily from danger and ensure neither of them would die at Voldermort's hand. He lurched forward hastily picking up her wand then he grabbed her wrist aggressively and as Voldemort himself finally decided to enter the battle he disapparated taking Lily along with him as his unwilling companion.
"Get your hands off me!" she shrieked when they reached their destination.
He did not relinquish his grip right away but instead he allowed his eyes to travel all over her face, taking all of her in and resting just a moment longer on her eyes. It had been a long time since he had been this close and only now, having been denied her for so long, did he realise he had never fully appreciated just how beautiful she was. If he had known the last time he spoke to her, before he said that awful word, would be the last time he felt sure he would have committed every freckle to memory.
She tore at his vice like grip until finally he released her. He knew he ought to go back to the battle before Voldemort realised he was gone. But he also knew that Lily would follow straight behind. Evans never was one to stand idly by when her friends were attacked whether it was name calling or a full scale riot. He, however, had her wand and so he had the power.
"Give me my wand. NOW!" Her tone was aggressive, assertive even. Although she was alone and wandless with one of Voldemort's right hand men she showed no fear. Perhaps it was the Gryffindor in her...or perhaps she knew Severus would not harm a hair on her head.
He made no reply.
It was a very awkward moment with neither truly wishing the other any harm regardless of which side they were on. They merely looked at each other in the half shadow, the only light coming from a shabby old lamp-post near the entrance of...
"The park? Why did you bring me here?" asked Lily, her eyes slightly narrowed although she seemed to slowly be letting her guard drop.
"First place that came to mind" said Snape, turning on the spot staring all around him as though hoping an idea might just pop out of the trees.
"Why?" she asked.
His head twitched towards her. He shrugged his shoulders not wanting to admit that he had been thinking about her so much in the past twenty four hours that he really couldn't end up anywhere other than here, where it all began. Lily didn't look convinced but decided not to press the issue. She made her way back to the old swing, sat down and firmly crossed her arms in a defiant I'm not moving sort of way.
Severus wasn't entirely sure he wanted to talk to her. What would they talk about anyway? The old days? The war? Marriage? He grimaced at the thought.
She eyed him intently as he stared at her wearing a stricken expression. Sympathy for her old friend, death eater or not, crept into her conscience. Perhaps she should play this one coolly.
"How is life treating you Sev?" she asked in barely more than a whisper, still not entirely sure she was doing the right thing by talking to him. She noticed his eyes light up as she said his name and couldn't help but smile the tiniest of smiles.
"Fine" he replied tersely.
"Fine? Fine? I don't know about the things you've seen on your side Sev but fine is hardly the way I'd describe life at the moment."
"Trouble in paradise?" he said, his eyes flickering with amusement.
She glared at him and he knew that look-if he were wise he would shut up and say no more on the subject. However, sensing the advantage he pressed on.
"Life with Potter not everything you thought it would be? Fed up with him now that the chase is over? Is there really room for another person in Potter's life? I would have thought his head is so entirely filled with himself there would be no room for anyone else."
He was venturing towards her getting dangerously close and he knew himself to be a fool to goad her but she had no wand and he had to admit he was enjoying himself far too much.
Her eyes betrayed the fury she felt but her face remained calm and composed.
"What did you see in him Evans?" he tried to maintain his sarcasm but there was a pleading in his voice that Lily did not miss. "You could have had so much more and power beyond your wildest dreams."
"I chose something much better than all that" she replied.
"What more could you want?" he asked, apparently surprised by her response.
"Perhaps it's a concept Death Eaters are none too familiar with. Love, Severus, love."
"A wreckless emotion and more often than not a fleeting fancy. True love does not exist Lily. There is only power...and those too weak to seek it."
He wasn't sure why he was saying this nor that he even believed what he was saying. Try as he might Severus could not deny that he did indeed love Lily...but it hurt less the more he tried to convince himself that love is insignificant.
"Someone's been spending too much time with old snake face."
Even though she insulted his master he smiled. It was something she was always capable of doing-making everyone around her smile regardless of the situation. He closed the rest of the distance between them and sat down on the swing.
"I miss the old you Sev" she said after a few moments in pensive silence.
"I'm still me" he replied "You're the one who changed, you're the one who refused to accept my apology and you're the one who married...him!"
She laughed lightly but there was no happiness there.
"Firstly," she said "you're not you. Not the you I loved so much. Secondly, no matter what you think of him, James loves me very much but I....well I..."she looked at him "Never mind."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"No, seriously, tell me!"
"No"
She sighed deeply. Snape glared at her and knowing she was beaten she said "I could be happier"
He felt his stomach churn with excitement, his heart flutter and his mood lift. At that moment the world seemed a whole lot brighter. She must want me thought Snape his mind searching to find another possible explanation. What else could make her happy? Even if there was something else why tell him at all? She loved him, she had to. It was not possible to feel so much love for someone and not have them return it. He knew it would work. Knew that eventually she would see what he had become strong and powerful, someone people showed respect to and who everyone spoke of.
"What will make you happier?" he asked his eyes soft and piercing as though examining Lily's very soul for the answer he wanted.
"I want...I want you...I..." she sighed again giving the impression that what she wanted to say was not easy. "You would make me eternally happy if you left Voldemort Severus. Join us and help us defeat him. I know deep down you know it's the right thing to do and we can be friends again. I miss us Sev-we were such a great team."
Severus looked at her dumbfounded. Friendship was all she was offering? He didn't know if he could face that again no matter how much he missed her. His years at Hogwarts being her friend and only ever her friend were wonderful but they ruined him...perhaps even led him to that path he was now on. The road to ruin because, as Slughorn had once said, one should never underestimate the power of obsessive love.
"We haven't been friends for a long time Lily and I don't think I can do that again."
"What do you mean you can't do that again?"
Trapped. What to do? Lie? Confess that he can't be just a friend to her?
The lie came easily to him.
"Pretend to be something I'm not" he had turned away from her now, not daring to look her in the face. "I'm not a good person Lily. I'm just not! The quicker you realise that the better for all of us."
"If you're not a good person why am I still here? You had the better of me back there Sev, my life was yours for the taking and you let me go." She reached out an arm to touch him but he recoiled as though her touch was agony to him. He stood up abruptly turned to face her and threw her wand back to her. She caught it effortlessly but looked confused by his actions.
"Are you telling me that was a mistake?" his voice was low and deadly. His eyes held no emotion; it was like staring into the face of an Inferius.
"Severus...please," she was pleading, begging him to be reasonable, still not believing he would ever harm her. He pointed his wand towards her, eyes unflinching, all trace of humanity void from his face. She stared at him intently and for one second she noticed his steely exterior, his icy demeanour vanish. He raised his guard as quickly as he had lowered it. He hissed at her.
"If you know what's good for you you'll leave now... Mudblood!"
Lily's face seemed to crumble, her eyes welled with tears and they just didn't seem to sparkle as brightly as they once did. She turned on the spot and disapparated.
At that moment Severus knew that he need not feel the Dementor's kiss to know how it felt to have your soul ripped out of you.
But it was for the best...or at least that is what he told himself over and over again. He could never tell her how he felt about her and it would be better in the long run if she forgot about him and focused on surviving the war. One could easily pay the price for distractions at a time like this and Severus did not need Lily clouding his mind more than she already did. They would once again go their separate ways. Perhaps Lily hating him would lessen his pain. Surely it was not possible to love someone who hated you?
Severus returned to the battle and, thankfully, saw no trace of Lily. She was better off without him. At least now she would be safe and even though they would forever be apart he made a promise to himself that night that he would always keep her safe.
Always.