Ok, to console myself after the end of Clockwork Princess and to help deal with my Infernal Devices withdrawal in general, I thought it was about time I wrote a fanfic for the Mortal Instruments.
Basically this is what might transpire if Simon, the Lightwoods, Magnus and some werewolves were left in charge of Clary and Jace's child.
Warning: May contain some spoilers for CoLS etc.
None of these lovelies are mine; they are the product of Cassandra Clare's genius.
When Babysitting is not in the Codex
"Thank you sooo much!" Clary cried breathlessly for the millionth as her best friend let her in out of the rain, "You're a life saver Simon." The vampire rolled his eyes, "I've told you it's fine." Clary replied with a grateful smile.
She really had pulled out all the stops for tonight, in a pretty dark blue dress that complimented her green eyes and her hair drawn back in a pretty bun at the side of her head; look completed, of course, by the auburn haired, rosy cheeked bundle of joy balanced on her hip.
"Anyway, I didn't have anything planned."
"Even so, at such short notice- Mom and Luke were going to take him but Mom's got that flu and the Lightwoods are in Idris so I didn't really want to go at all, but Jace suggested you and..." She made a vague gesture with the arm that wasn't wrapped around the baby "You're sure it's alright?" Simon resisted the urge to groan.
"How many times Clary, yes!"
"Exactly Clary, Simon has got this." Simon was pretty sure very few people could pull off the fearless warrior look in a dress shirt while burdened down with baby equipment, but Jace somehow managed it. Then again, there were very few people like Jace.
Clary smiled again, "He'll sleep most of the time anyway, if he wakes up just feed him or change him, maybe play with him? Everything's in the bag, including his teddy and blanket- oh and there's some food and bottles in there too. He takes bottle slightly warm if you know what I mean..."she sighed and shook her head, "he'll be no trouble Simon I swear."
Indeed, baby Daniel did not look like any trouble sleeping serenely on his mother's shoulder, only stirring slightly when Clary extended her arms to pass said child to Simon. A little uneasy Simon tried to mimic her movements by positioning the kid on his hip.
"Don't freak Clarissa, I've got this." He said with a grin, returning his gaze to the happy couple.
"Come on Clary, we're gonna be late"Jace urged her turning her towards the door by the shoulders.
"Just call us if you need anything."
"Breathe Clary," Jace said, lightly kissing his petite wife's forehead, "Everything will be fine" he insisted, shooting their vampire friend a look that suggested it better be. With a nod, Clary allowed herself to be steered out of the apartment yelling last minute instructions over her shoulder while Simon nodded and pretended to take it in. When the front door closed, he couldn't help exhaling in relief.
Carefully shifting Daniel's weight Simon moved into the living room where his werewolf flatmate looked up from the TV and a grinned, "Well look at that, Mother Simon."
The only response he got was a glare, "Hilarious Jordan."
"No seriously, who knew vampires could have maternal instincts?"
Simon decided to implement a comeback worthy of Jace; "Shut up."
He moved cautiously over to the baby's basket; while Jordan followed with his camera, eager to not only enjoy the show himself, but to capture the moment for all their friends. Scowling, Simon leaned forward and cautiously lowered Daniel into the basket. Then with the baby laid safely down, he allowed himself a smile, while Jordan groaned in disappointment and folded his camera away, the two straightened up, just in time to see the little Herondale blearily blink open those big, gold eyes he had inherited from his father. "Hey there, kiddo" Simon said in his sweetest babysitters' tone, bending down to eye level with the baby. Daniel took one look at the unfamiliar apartment, the vampire and the werewolf and his inner Shadowhunter won over; in other words, he opened his cute rosebud mouth and wailed.
Jordan burst out laughing and scrambled for his camera, while Simon snatched for the teddy bear printed baby bag for some kind of weapon. "No, no... don't cry, everything's alright, lemme just- Oh shit!" he cried as he sent the kids' belongings flying in his panic. "I- sorry kid, excuse the French. Never repeat that okay? Not helping Jordan!" he snapped as his flatmate doubled over with mirth. Thankful for his vampire reflexes Simon ducked behind the counter and resurfaced a split second later, brandishing a pea green stuffed animal. "Look, it's your teddy!" he declared in false delight waving the toy in front of the crying child, "all better now, right?" The screaming continued. "Stupid Jace and his stupid genes!" he grumbled and he pulled the baby back to his chest and tried to rock him.
Jordan had recovered enough to stand up again and was watching the pantomime before him looking only vaguely amused. "God, it's loud isn't it?" he commented.
"No shit Sherlock." Simon hissed in return. The praetor glanced at the walls, "Some neighbours really loving us right now, Simon." He warned. "I am aware of that, thank you" his flatmate singsonged in reply. Daniel kept up the racket.
"Jeez Simon just nurse him back to sleep or something." That was the last straw, as Simon's patience snapped and he thrust the child into Jordan's arms, "Your turn! Let's see how well you do!"
After an hour they were definitely cracking up. They'd played pass the baby, argued, sworn and tried to convince themselves the baby would stop crying eventually. So far, there did not appear to be any great chance of that happening. "For Gods' sake, just call Clary already!" Jordan yelled for the tenth time. "No chance!" Simon gasped in return.
"No offense Simon, but I really rate my sanity above your pride/ vampire ego and if you do not get that baby to shut the hell up pretty damn soon, I will lose my mind!"
"This isn't about my ego; this is about me not getting stabbed! And don't use language like that in front of him!" Simon shouted back. Daniel cried harder.
"It would appear it is indeed time to ring Clary, because you-"here Jordan jabbed his finger at Simon, " -have already lost it! Spouting shit about getting stabbed."
Simon drew in a trembling breath and resisted the urge to smack Kyle. "It is her anniversary," he began slowly, emphasising every syllable "and while, personally I do not give a sparkling warlock about that, I know Jace and Clary do, and bearing in mind, even for Shadowhunters they have superpowers and I know for a fact, Jace does not hesitate to involve seraph blades in situations such as being called back from their date after one hour, because we cannot handle one baby! And stop swearing in front of that baby!"
"IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE FUCKING HOUR!"
"DON'T SWEAR IN FRONT OF THE BABY!"
"That's it! I can't deal with this anymore!" Jordan cried, snatching his phone off the table.
"NO!" Simon yelped.
"Cool it! I'm not phoning Clary! You're right, the last time I interrupted one of their dates Jace threatened me at knife point and then told everyone in the Praetor Lupus about my SpongeBob boxers so no, I do not want a recurrence. But we do need help!"
Simon nodded his agreement, "Wait- your what?"
The sound of the buzzer nearly had Jordan in tears.
Simon leaped off the couch and dived for the door. "Maia!" he shrieked with joy. Hand over non-beating heart he could honestly say he had never been happier to see the curly haired werewolf in his whole life. "Not that I'm not ecstatic you're here, but why are you here?"
"Emergency at apartment" she read off her phone before raising her eyes to his. "I'm guessing this involves the child that sounds as though it's being murdered behind you."
"Er...Yes."
Jordan pushed past him, carrying a squeling Daniel and seized Maia by the wrist, "Please help us," he begged "I'll do anything."
"Seriously Jordan!" she smacked her boyfriend in the chest, "This is your emergency? I thought Forsaken were attacking or Simon was pregnant or something!"
"Excuse me?" Simon interrupted.
Maia threw a vague glance over her shoulder at him, "Well we've already established you're a freak by vampire standards." She pointed out, visibly fuming. Simon blinked, quite affronted "Thank you, thank you very much."
"Please Maia, we're desperate! He just won't stop crying!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Change his diaper" the boys chimed in unison.
"Why can't you do it?!"
"Because you're the girl!" Immediately he realised that was the wrong thing to say, as Maia's eyes narrowed dangerously and a growl sounded in the back of her throat.
"I mean, you're the girl who gets on with him best." Simon added hastily, "He likes you more than he does us."
Maia glowered, "Don't even delude yourself into thinking that's a save Lewis" she paused for a moment, letting the tension linger, "and seeing as you're both sexist asses you can do the diaper changing."
"My God, you'd think he'd be out of breath by now." Maia moaned rocking Dan back and forth, her arms aching, "I swear he's getting louder."
"That cannot be possible." Simon said dully, utterly without conviction as he emerged from the kitchen armed with a baby bottle. He crammed it into the kid's mouth and for a second the silence was blessed. "Thank you," Jordan whispered weakly, "Thank you God."
"You know..." Maia began wickedly, rubbing her temple "I might have to go home, I think I feel a migraine coming on."
Without hesitation Simon flung himself at her feet and started grovelling.
"That's not going to work Lewis; the woman has a heart of stone." Jordan informed him, pulling his wallet out of his pocket, "How much?" Maia rewarded him with a sweet smile, "Wow, my headache is fading already." The words had no sooner left her mouth than the baby drained his bottle and resumed screeching. "Gah" the werewolf groaned "On second thoughts, I might need some aspirin with that bribe."
Simon's thoughts were scattered when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He raised it to his ear as a familiar voice chimed a greeting. "Hey loser" his girlfriend greeted him "Guess who got home from Idris early?
"You're here, in New York?"
"Clever vampire" Isabelle replied "By the Angel Simon what is that racket in the background?"
"Your nephew" Simon deadpanned. Then the epiphany struck; "Hey Izzy...how much do you love me?"
Daniel sucked thoughtfully on his dummy for a split second before spitting it out in Jordan's face with a generous amount of drool. The praetor's face flamed "Why you little..."
He glanced at Maia, waiting for her to tell him off, but she was way past admonishing the guys for threatening the kid.
Isabelle Lightwood chose this moment of domestic bliss as her queue to stride into the room, sporting a blue velvet jacket Simon guessed was fresh from Alicante.
"Need any help with the Chinese water torture Jordan?" she smirked. No one had the heart to answer. "Someone told me you freaks were deperate" Izzy tossed her hair over one shoulder and stretched out her arms, full of her usual Nephilim arrogance. "Watch and learn losers."
With a disbelieving bark of laughter Jordan dumped the baby in her arms while Maia and Simon grabbed seats for the performance. Isabelle perched the baby on her shoulder and patted him on the back, miraculously Daniel Herondale shut up. The Shadowhunter lifted her head and beamed a triumphant smile while the others gaped. "See? Nothing a Lightwood can't handle, be it seraph blades, Ravener demons, screaming kids; you name it I –"Suddenly she broke off and her dark eyes flew wide open "Oh hell."
Silence.
"DANIEL HERONDALE YOU DID NOT JUST PUKE ON MY NEW JACKET."
For her friends, it was just too much and they all collapsed howling with laughter, the werewolves almost literally.
"IT IS NOT FUNNY YOU ASSHATS! " Isabelle ranted on as her nephew started wailing once again.
"How it is done indeed"" Jordan laughed, mock bowing. "Thought you Nephilim are all over this crap be it seraph blades or babies ha!" He affected a terrible impersonation of Isabelle while she struggled out of the ruined velvet, "Babysitting is not in the Codex, Ok?!" she shrieked in return.
"Holy shit" Maia gasped, wiping her streaming eyes on her sleeve, "Now what?"
Simon raised a baby-food stained spoon, "Now we do what we always do in times of great trouble and turmoil. We call Magnus Bane."
Around midnight, Izzy hit the alcohol. Her normally sleek dark hair was messy and tangled from having her fingers run through it countless times and her eyes had taken on a hysterical gleam.
Magnus, for all his spectacular hairstyles and sequined outfits; turned out to be about as much use as the vodka bottle Isabelle was draining. "I'd love to give him a good dose of sleeping potion, believe me, but because he's so young I'm afraid the dose could be too strong for him, the same could be said for a spell, I could throw him to Timbuktu. "
"That could also be an option." Jordan mumbled from the couch where he was sprawled with a cushion crammed over his head in a feeble attempt to drown out the noise.
Magnus rolled his eyes "In short, Cyril there's not much I can do."
"Simon" Alec called over in a pointless correction.
"Whatever" the warlock waved his hand extravagantly. Truthfully he was surprised the warlock and his boyfriend had even show; admittedly they had emptied the fridge and taken a permanent 'lend' of their DVD collection, "I'll stay the night for your 'Lost' box- set and leave it at that."
And thus another hour of desperation had elapsed.
"Can we give him back now?" Maia pleaded.
"Oh no," Isabelle interrupted "Don't even try those puppy dog eyes on me, pardon the pun." She gave a half hearted grin while the other girl glared. "Clary and Jace haven't had a night out since he was born, we can't ruin tonight for them!"
"Can't we?" Jordan muttered mutinously.
Simon smacked him.
Meanwhile, Magnus rolled back his hot pink sleeves and cleared his throat. "Why don't we try singing to him? I'm told that can have a soothing affect on infants."
"Be my guest" Maia quite happily stepped away from the basket and the warlock took her place. He let his luminous eyes shut and swayed on the spot for a moment before opening his mouth;
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from realityyyyyy
Look up to the skies and see
just a poor boy, I need no sympathyyy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
A little high, little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to meeeee, to meeeeeeee
"Ahhhhhhhh!" this time it wasn't just Daniel wailing "Magnus stop.. please... no more!" The warlock jumped off the coffee table reluctantly,
"But- I hadn't got to the best part yet- Gallileo Figaro magnificooo-ooo-ooo-oooo!"
Things are bad when Alec Lightwood cracks up, "By the Angel Daniel, you are seconds away from becoming a Silent Brother!" he announced pointing his stele at the infant menacingly.
"Give him the runes of Quietude now!" Izzy slurred from where she was slumped over the kitchen counter, her jacket in the sink. Simon groaned inwardly, she was very drunk.
The vampire had taken to banging his head repeatedly against the wall, the rhythmic thudding driving everyone even madder. Jordan removed the cushion from his face long enough to yell, "Will you stop doing that?!"
"Why? We've had a baby screaming non-stop for the past FIVE hours and it is 2AM! The neighbours already hate us!"He brought his head back to the wall, or tried to before Magnus yanked him back from the wall by the back of the shirt.
After so many years hunting demons and psychopathic demon hunters, Clary would have considered herself accustomed to weird; until, that is she walked into her best friend's apartment. The first thing she was met with was Jordan lying on the couch with a sofa cushion covering his head. That was strange enough but Isabelle Lightwood, her sister in law, perched on top of the cushion taking swigs out of a long empty vodka bottle? That was really something she was not expecting.
As she walked further into the room she saw that Maia was on the floor curled in the foetal position with her iPod plugged in and something that sounded like rave music blaring out loud enough for Clary to hear it at the other end of the room. Simon, he had passed out slumped against the wall and, did that sound like Alec Lightwood sobbing in the bathroom?
A soft moan from sounded behind her and the redhead whirled round to see Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn sitting in the corner of the room hugging himself and staring into space. "Ma-Magnus?" The warlock moaned again and started muttering to himself, "So little...so much noise."
Thoroughly freaked out, something inside her snapped; "What the HELL?!"
That jerked Simon awake. "Wait...what...Clary!"
"Yeah!" she tilted her head to one side, flipping her fiery hair out of her face and widening her eyes, grinning sarcastically, "Good Morning!" Her vampire friend jumped to his feet and stared at her.
"Why the hell are all these people here?" she struggled to maintain a restrained tone.
"You owe me," Isabelle stated.
"I'm sorry?" Clary blinked.
This time Jordan answered "You should be," he knocked the cushion off his head, Isabelle with it; "your kid cried ALL night. He did this!" The werewolf gestured around the room.
"You owe me a jacket, preferably a blue one." Izzy insisted as she scrambled to her feet, pointing to a mound of stained blue velvet piled in the sink.
Shaking her head in confusion, Clary turned back to Simon "You idiot."
"Seriously he wouldn't stop crying!" Simon tried to insist. Clary glanced over to the baby basket, "That baby?"
Jordan reached down and removed the headphones from Maia's ears and she slowly unfurled, propping herself up on her elbows bewildered, "Is it- he's stopped!"
All eyes travelled to where baby Daniel was laying, sound asleep, in complete silence. While they looked on, he blinked open his big golden eyes and caught sight of his mother, lips spreading into a perfectly adorable baby smile.
Clary hurried over and scooped her son into her arms cooing and smoothing down his red gold hair. She shot a smouldering green eyed glare around the room, "I left my son with you for one night, Lewis, ONE NIGHT and you throw a wild party. "
"A wild party?" Simon echoed numbly, "No Clary we-"
He was interrupted by a red eyed Alec stumbling into the living room. "Is there any drink left?"
Clary turned her sharp gaze back on him, accusing and angry in equal measures.
"Your friends are all assembled here and were passed out drunk until recently! " "I'm not his friend" Magnus pointed out to be ignored. Clary ploughed on regardless, "Besides, your whole apartment reeks of alcohol!"
"I-hey that was Isabelle!" he blustered.
Clarissa remained unimpressed "Mature." She hissed scathingly, sweeping her baby gear into the bag as Dan gurgled happily.
"Don't ring Jace!"
"Honest, we were only asleep for five minutes! He shrieked the entire night!"
Clary stormed out of the apartment, practically breathing fire. "Don't exaggerate!"
I really don't know what the hell that was.
But hey, it involved Magnus Bane singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Happy Easter!