Author's note: Just realized I'd never posted this one. Just a bit of silliness. It's set about a year ago and the idea for this grew out of my frustration with a discussion thread on a message board last year. I made a casual remark about the women of Llanview going all Lysistrata and immediately my brain started writing this. In case you aren't familiar with Lysistrata it's an ancient Greek play about the women denying their men sex in order to get them to stop a war. This gets pretty crass at a few points, but I'm hoping a fandom with as much smut as this one will accept that in this instance.

Natalie looked around John's apartment—the twinkle lights, the makeshift bed on the floor, the case of beer… everything set up to mimic the first time they made love. The only thing missing was the moon. Well… the moon and maybe something else.

"What's all this?" she asked quietly.

He took her hands in his and led her over to the blanket; she followed his lead and sat down beside him. "I've been a real son of a bitch lately," he said.

"No arguments here," she nodded.

"And I know I promised you I'd change and I've really tried, but I guess from where you've been sitting that's pretty hard to tell," he continued, "but I wanted to let you know that I am trying. And I'd really like to make it up to you."

"With sex?" she asked looking around the room.

Clearly taken aback by her direct question, John stammered, "Well I- I've never been good with words, you know that. But I'd like to show you how I feel."

Natalie pondered this a minute, "So… you'd just like me to forget the way you've been acting the last couple weeks, all the hurtful things you've said to me, and just drop trou 'cause you asked?"

"It's not like that! I'm trying to make things right between us!" he insisted.

"I'm sorry, John," she said, "I just have to wonder… Is this about wanting to repair our relationship or about wanting to get in my panty liners?"

John's eyes widened and his face grew red. "In your- What?"

"Tell me, John," she said folding her hands across her chest, "is it really me that you want, or has it just been a while since you've had sex and you figured I was your best shot?"

"Are you questioning whether I really want to make love to you?" he asked.

"No," she said honestly, "I'm just questioning whether it's really about love. Or is it about the fact that you're tired of sleeping in an empty bed?"

"I love you," he said, though she couldn't help noticing that he tripped over the second word a little, "I know it took me a while to say it, but I've said it now and I don't know what else you want me to say."

"I don't want you to say anything," she said rising to her feet and taking a few steps away from him. As strong as her mental resolve was, she didn't entirely trust her body as long as he was within arms' reach. "I want you to prove it, John. I want you to start acting like you love me. Like I'm more than some girl you enjoy having sex with!"

"I'm sorry if I ever gave you that impression," he said standing up slowly, "but you have to give me a chance to fix it."

"Well I don't have to," she scoffed, "but I will. Because I love you too and I do want this to work."

"Thank you," he said wrapping his arms around her.

"With one caveat," she said squirming away, "until you prove it, I'm sleeping at Llanfair."

"I wasn't interested in sleeping," he said huskily, once again trying to close the distance between them.

This time Natalie stood her ground but willed her body not to react. "I'm not kidding," she said, "Until such time as I can see you making a concerted effort to treat me like someone you love and respect, no sex for you."

"You think you can keep to that?" he asked skeptically, "I won't be the only one going without."

"I have ten fingers and I'm pretty flexible," she said with a smug smile that elicited a small groan John, "I'll be fine."

Unable to resist any longer, and still hoping he could change her mind, he crushed her body against his and pulled her into a scorching kiss. She let herself enjoy the kiss for a moment, it felt so good, so right. She was aching for him every bit as much as he was for her. But then she thought about the next morning and how likely he was to just forget this whole conversation if she gave in.

So she pulled back. "Tempting," she said, fighting to catch her breath, "very tempting. But not quite enough." With that she slipped out the door before he could argue the point further.

John stared at the door for a moment before turning back to the room he'd so carefully set up. It should have been a foolproof tactic and yet somehow… his pants had grown so tight it was painful to walk. He collapsed on the sofa. It was going to be a long night. But it was just one—there was no way she'd hold firm to this for long. He knew just how to push her buttons; he'd have her undressed by lunchtime tomorrow.

Meanwhile across town Evangeline Williamson was staring thoughtfully into space completely failing to react to all of Cristian's efforts to turn her on. He sighed. Ordinarily it wasn't this hard. Finally he gave up and sat next to her. "You seem distracted," he said.

"I'm sorry," she said snapping out of her meditation.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked. He was eager to find out what it was so that he could find a way to eliminate it and get on with the evening.

She sighed. "It's just something Todd said-"

"Why do you pay any attention to anything he says?" Cristian asked, irritated that once again Todd Manning was coming between them.

"Well sometimes he can actually be very perceptive," she said, "but not this time. I mean I know he's wrong this time, I just don't know why I can't get it out of my head."

"Well, what did he say?" Cristian asked.

Evangeline looked at him and cocked her head to the side, "You don't think our whole relationship is based on sex, do you?"

"Of course not," he said, though at the moment he was very much hoping they could get on with the sex. "Manning actually said that to you?"

"Well," she said, "he was just pointing out that we don't have a whole lot in common-"

"We have a lot in common!" he said quickly.

"I know," she said, "and I told him that, and then he asked me what. And I couldn't come up with anything. You know, just because it was spur of the moment, that kind of thing. And he didn't even give me time to think, he just said that if I couldn't think of anything it was probably because our relationship was based on sex."

"He doesn't know what he's talking about," Cristian said rubbing her arm gently, hoping to move her thoughts in a less philosophical direction.

"I guess I'm just gun shy," she said, still not responding to his efforts, "After everything that happened with John… because our relationship started out being about sex and I thought we could make something more of it and it turned out we never quite did. I want this to be different."

"It is," he assured her.

"I believe that, I do," she said, "I just think maybe we need to remind ourselves of that."

"I don't need to be reminded," he said, "I know that already."

"Well maybe I need to be reminded," she said giving him a pitiful look.

"Okay," he sighed, "how do I do that?"

"Tell me everything we have in common," she said.

His eyes widened in annoyance as he stammered, "Well…. We… we both…"

"See!" she said, sounding almost triumphant, "You can't do it either."

"You didn't give me time to think," he protested.

"I just think…" she hesitated and thought for a moment, "Maybe we should stop for a while."

"You want to break up?" he asked.

"No," she said quickly, "I just think maybe we shouldn't make love for a while."

"I can't believe you're letting Manning do this," he said his annoyance turning to anger.

"This isn't for Todd," she said, "this is for me. For us. Think about it—this will intensify things. It might make things that much hotter in the long run. And it will bring us closer remembering all the things we love about each other."

"I don't need to prove anything!" he insisted.

"Well maybe I do!" she said, "If you really loved me and respected me like you say you do you would understand!"

"What I understand is you're listening to Todd Manning over me!" he said, "I understand that you're willing to ruin our relationship over something that he said."

Evangeline stood up angrily, "If not having sex can ruin our entire relationship then maybe we don't have much of one to start with!"

"That's not what I said," he said rolling his eyes.

"You know what?" she said grabbing her purse, "I'm leaving. Call me tomorrow if you're in a more reasonable mood."

"Oh I'm being unreasonable?" he scoffed but he wasn't sure if she heard him before she slammed the door after her.

The next morning Rex wandered into the squad room of the LPD and saw Natalie sitting behind her desk. She looked almost cheerful for the first time in a long time; he was happy to see that. He suspected the vase of roses on her desk had something to do with it. "Secret admirer?" he asked nodding towards them.

"Not so secret," she said with a smug smile.

"Aww…" he said while making a face like he was gagging, "Is Bo in?"

"He's in a meeting at City Hall," she said, "why?"

"I need to talk to him," he said, "You know when he'll be back?"

"Shouldn't be too long," she said, "you can wait for him if you want."

"Okay," he said, sitting down on the edge of her desk.

At that moment John stormed into the room; he stopped and glared at Rex. "Funny," he said, "I thought that was a desk, not a chair. What were you raised in a barn?"

"Umm… sorry," Rex said standing up and looking at John in confusion.

"You know this is a police station, not a social club," he growled.

"He's here to see Bo," Natalie explained.

John turned an icy glare to her for a moment before storming into his office and slamming the door behind him.

"I'm confused."

"I think he is to," she said looking more amused than Rex expected.

"So the flowers weren't from McBain?" he guessed.

"Oh no," she said, "They were."

"Then why the mood?" he asked staring after the door John had just slammed.

"Because they didn't have their desired effect," she said.

"Being…?"

She leaned forward and spoke in a hushed voice, "I'm guessing it was to follow him into his office, lock the door, and demand he take me right there on the desk."

Rex cringed. "I'm your brother!" he said, "don't give me mental images like that!"

"Sorry," she said with a smile that indicated she clearly wasn't.

"So what did he do that he's trying to buy you flowers to win back your affections?" he asked.

"I could give you a list," she said, "but from John's perspective this has less to do with anything he's done and more to do with what I wouldn't let him do to me."

He looked at her blankly for a moment before he deciphered her meaning. "You mean you…? Can I ask why?"

"Because I'm sick of letting him treat me like crap and then just falling into his arms. So I told him that until he starts treating me better, no more… you know."

Her brother gave her a look that indicated he thought she was crazy and shook his head. "Have you thought this through?" he asked, "I mean what if he decides to go find it somewhere else?"

She shrugged. "I'll hate it, but if that's all it takes for him to cheat on me, then it would have happened eventually and I'm better off knowing now."

"You're crazy, you know that, right?" he said.

"But it's charming, right?" she replied with a grin.

Rex bounded into Adriana's apartment like a four year old bursting to tell a secret. Adriana looked up from her sewing machine and raised an eyebrow, "What's gotten into you?"

"You are never going to believe what my sister is doing!" he said sitting down. His legs continued bouncing up and down as if of their own accord with his excess energy.

"What?" she asked, not really interested.

"I shouldn't really spread it around," he said.

"But you're going to tell me," she said, having more than enough experience with Rex's love of gossip, "so why don't you just do it now?"

"She's refused to have sex with John until he starts 'treating her better,'" he said using air quotes to emphasize the last part of the statement.

"Good for her," she said.

"Good?" he repeated, "it's crazy!"

"Crazy to want your boyfriend to treat you well?" she asked.

"No," he said getting the sneaking suspicion that he was getting himself in trouble, "it's her way of going about it."

"Well I don't know," she said thoughtfully, "I mean it might be good for them. Not only will he learn to treat her better, but they can take this time to focus on the emotional and spiritual side of their relationship."

"Or end it completely," Rex snorted.

Adriana folded her arms across her chest and pouted, "Do you really think you can't have a loving relationship without sex? Would you stop loving me if for some reason we weren't having sex?"

"Of course not," he said, "but- what's that look on your face?"

"I was just thinking," she began. Rex got a sinking feeling in his stomach—this was not going to end well for him. "Maybe we should give it a try."

"No," he said firmly, "I mean really, do you want us to take our lead from John and Natalie? I love my sister, but they are seriously fucked up."

"Maybe not over all," she said, "but I think this could be good for us. Get us back to the core of our relationship."

"We can do that without not having sex," he insisted.

"Please Rex!" she whined, "Unless all I really am to you is sex…"

Rex stood and took a couple steps away as he thought; there was no way for him to win this argument. If he continued to fight with her about it he would come off like a sex-crazed asshole. On the other hand, if he pretended to go along with this for now, he could probably dissuade her from it quickly. "Fine," he said with a groan.

At 7:00 that evening Natalie was finally preparing to leave work when Cristian Vega came stalking in. "Cristian?" she asked, "What are you doing here? Did something happen with the arson investigation?"

"Don't play dumb, Natalie!" he said marching over to her desk.

She rolled her eyes, "Cris, I really don't know what you're talking about."

"I heard you put a very interesting condition on your relationship with McBain," he said.

Natalie's brow furrowed. "He told you?"

"No," he said, "Adriana told me, I guess she heard from Rex."

She swore under her breath, "I'm gonna kill him."

"And you'll never guess what Evangeline decided about our relationship last night," he said leaning over her desk.

"What?" she asked blankly.

"The very same thing you decided," he said.

"Evangeline refused to put out?" Natalie asked, not quite stifling a giggle.

"It's not funny, Natalie," Cristian grumbled.

"No," she said, "but from what I hear it's a first. You should call the paper."

"I know you put her up to it," he sneered.

"Would you listen to yourself?" she laughed, "How exactly would I do that? When's the last time you heard Evangeline listen to me on anything?"

"That's why you got your uncle Todd to talk to her," he said sounding triumphant that he had uncovered her dastardly plan.

Natalie laughed out loud. "Todd? Are you serious? Right, because my uncle and I are so close. You remember, you were there when he almost got my heart cut out of my chest—that really bonds family members together."

"I know you two are in this together," he hissed.

"We really aren't," she said shaking her head, "although, you know, it's not a bad idea."

"Well you can add Adriana to your little conspiracy," he said.

"Adriana?" she asked.

"When Rex told her about what you were doing she decided it was a great idea," he said.

"That'll teach him to gossip about my sex life," she said, her amusement growing by the minute. Gathering her coat and purse she stood and began to walk out of the station.

"Where are you going?" Cristian asked, jogging to keep up with her, "We weren't done."

"Yes we were," she said, "and for your information, I'm going to find Evangeline."

When Evangeline opened her door fifteen minutes later and found Natalie standing there her immediate thought was something must be wrong—there was no other reason she could imagine that her long standing rival would come to see her. "Can I help you with something?" she asked.

"You already did," Natalie replied brightly.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Cris just came to see me," she explained, "he told me you…"

"Not that it's any of your business in the first place," Evangeline said folding her arms, "but please don't tell me you're taking his side."

"Not at all," she assured her, "it just so happens I told John that we needed to table sex for a while. That is table like put aside, not on a table…"

"Really?" Evangeline asked in genuine surprise, "Is it out of concern for his health?"

"It's out of concern for him being a jerk," she said, "anyway, Cristian heard about it and decided we must be teaming up and it occurred to me, we should."

"I'm not following," she said, tilting her head.

"You will," Natalie said patting her arm, "Call every woman you can think of that lives here in Llanview and get them to meet at the Palace in an hour."

"The Palace?" she repeated.

Natalie nodded. "If there's anyone in town who will understand the true power of sex, it'll be a former Madame. I'm sure Renee will find a place for us to meet."

To be continued...