"And I walked alone
Waiting for you to come along
Take my tortured heart by the hand
And write me off."
- Not The Good Kind by The Wreckers.
His fingers caress my hair, even in his sleep. And I'm safe. I know that I'm safe. He's strong and trustworthy. Lucky Spencer is the one constant in my life. Although, even now, I still think back to another lifetime. Sometimes it seems like forever ago. And other times, nights like tonight, it seems like just this morning I was waking up in a different bed with a different man. I slip out of Lucky's embrace and slip my feet into the nearest pair of shoes. I press a quick kiss to his forehead, but he doesn't stir even once.
My fingers wrap around my purse strap and I sling my jacket over my arm as I creep out my apartment door. The town is silent around me. The only noise is the sound of my stiletto heels clicking against the docks and the soft hush of my breathing. It's not that far to my memories, to a life I haven't lived in so long.
I'm knocking on the door before I've even stopped to really think this through. Why would he even go along with it? But all I can remember is the look in his eyes when he came home to find me there. The words I said had inflicted some degree of pain. I wasn't trying to hurt him. But that's what we do these days. We hurt each other.
"Sam." His blue eyes are blank. They're not welcoming nor are they cold. I'm not sure where I stand with him at the moment. And I'm not sure that I care.
"You love her. I know that, Jason. You're in love with Elizabeth. And I've made so many mistakes. Most of them are completely unforgivable, even in my own eyes."
"Sam. Don't do this." He steps aside as he says the words and allows me to enter the penthouse. It's still the same as when we shared our life within these four walls. He places his hand on the small of my back and leads me to the couch.
"I'm falling in love with Lucky. I didn't want to in the beginning, but I am. He's forgiven me for everything and he understands that a part of me is always going to be that trashy girl I was when you brought me to live with you."
"You're not--."
"Yes, I am, Jason. But I'm also strong and smart. I learned how to love someone other than myself and how to make decisions with someone else's best interest in mind. You taught me that." I lick my lips and exhale slowly. "So I came here tonight. Because I think that we both need to remember what it was like to be those people. I need to be that person that you taught me to be."
"What do you want me to do, Sam?" He lowers himself onto the coffee table in front of me, his hands dangling limply between his legs. He looks exhausted and resigned to a fate that never should have been his.
"I want you to let me distract you tonight with memories of something beautiful and untouched. I need to remember that it wasn't all a dream or some sick fantasy of mine. And I think you need this too."
"I can't make love to you." Jason brushes his knuckles against my cheek, softly pushing my hair back off of my face.
"I don't that, Jason. I won't be untrue to Lucky. I just want us to sit and talk, to remember and just feel."
"I can do that." Jason murmurs sliding onto the couch next to me, his arm automatically going around my shoulders as my head rested against his chest. His heart beats steadily beneath my ear. He tells me about Sonny signing over the boys and the business to him and Carly, respectively of course. The new position brings so many new dangers into his life that he can never have the family that he wanted.
I tell him about all the fertility tests I have secretly undergone and the disappointing diagnosis that refuses to change. He wipes my tears away and I assure him that it isn't his fault that I can't have children. I was never meant to be a mother. And part of me has known that since my daughter died all those years ago.
We talk about Spinelli and his unrequited love for Maxie Jones. Anything and everything that enters our minds is said without any fear of consequence. It's an invigorating freedom to talk to Jason without allegations and pain. It's an unexpected freedom to lean on him for a support that I spent so long depending on and was so lost without.
"Do you remember all the times that we didn't need to talk? We didn't need to make love or even kiss. We didn't think about anything outside of these four walls. We just danced."
"Let's do it." Jason wraps his fingers around my hand and pulls me to my feet. He clicks the stereo on with the remote that had rested on the arm of the couch. The familiar song makes me ache and I feel tears roll down my cheeks all over again. "I never changed the CD in that thing."
"I'm glad." I rest my head against his shoulder and wrap my arms around his neck. We sway to the music for a while until I see the bright colors that begin to streak the sky. "I should be going. He'll be waking up soon and I have to be there."
"I never thought I'd say this. But I'm glad you came. I feel like--."
"You've got your best friend back? Yeah, met too." I press a kiss to his cheek before stepping out of the warm embrace. "Don't be a stranger anymore, Morgan."
"Take care of yourself."
"I always do. I'm a survivor, if nothing else." I smile at him before slipping out the door. I enjoy the feeling of the rising sun on my face as I make my way back to my apartment. I toss my purse and coat down onto the couch and climb back onto my bed. Lucky hasn't moved a muscle during all the time that I was gone. I crawl up onto my knees and shake him awake. His eyes are blurred with sleep but he smiles at me anyway.
"I've put all of it to rest, Lucky. I don't have to worry about the future anymore. That ghost isn't lurking around all the time, haunting every moment that we spend together."
"That's fantastic."
"Lucky! I can breathe again." I lower myself into his arms and feel his grip around my body tighten. He's asleep again in seconds and I still can't keep the smile off of my face. I know that things are never going to be safe or normal in my life.
But this is definitely a start.
"You never give up
And it must be my luck
And I want to know
What goes on in that head of yours?
Yeah, I want to know."
-Rain by The Wreckers