Here Today, No Future Fears

When Dawn is eleven, she decides that, when she grows up, she wants to be Cordelia Chase.

Cordelia knows everything. She knows how to dress, like which clothes are in and out each 'season' … how to make her hair look like she just stepped out of a salon every freaking day … how to make good grades without being dorky about it … how to make everything look so easy.

Cordelia's everything Buffy only wishes she could be, which is probably why Buffy doesn't really like her that much, even though, as Dawn finds out later, Cordelia helps with the slaying.

When Buffy runs away, Cordelia sits with Dawn on the stoop outside Dawn's house and sighs and rolls her eyes and tells her not to worry. "I mean, please, your sister's been ruining my life from the day I met her. There's no way she's not gonna come back and ruin it some more."

Dawn wants to believe her, but for the first time, she's afraid that maybe Cordelia doesn't know everything.

Then Cordelia tells Dawn how pretty her hair is and reads out some maintenance tips from the magazine opened on her lap.

"… and ask your mom about moisturizing," she says, peering first at Dawn's forehead, then at both her cheeks. "Then, by the time your pain-in-my-butt sister comes back, you're gonna be ten times prettier than she is."

"You think Buffy's pretty?"

"Two rules, Dawn: Know your losers and know your competition, and, since I'm gracious enough to let the saving-the-world thing cancel out hideous mistakes like the liberal use of peroxide – or, as Buffy likes to call it, 'highlights' – then, yes, I can see your sister's pretty. And I can see that you're prettier."

"But, not ten times."

Holding Dawn lightly at arms' length, Cordelia tilts her head to the side to study her carefully. "Right now … seven. But ten before the summer's out."

She hands Dawn the magazine, including the free MAC eyeliner, and tells her to keep it.

Later that summer, Dawn gets a postcard from the Las Palmas Resort in Puerto Penasco: Remember, no slacking! You should be at least nine times prettier by now!

Buffy comes back from LA and Dawn's world makes sense again.

But, as far as ruining Cordelia's life goes, for once, it doesn't seem to be Buffy's fault when Cordelia ends up in hospital with a rebar-shaped hole in her stomach.

Buffy takes Dawn to visit, but stays outside the room while Dawn tiptoes across the floor because it looks like Cordelia might be asleep. She puts the grapes her mom gave her and the flowers that Buffy bought on the night table and stands for a minute before turning away and tiptoeing back toward the door.

"Dawn?"

Dawn stops and turns again, sees Cordelia's eyelids flicker. "Oh, you're awake. How are you fee—?"

"Is your sister here?" Her voice sounds thin and frail, which is scary, because Dawn never imagined that Cordelia could ever be frail before now.

"She's just outside. Do you want me to get her?"

"Just give her a message," says Cordelia, her eyes meeting Dawn's. "Tell her … I blame her for everything."

"Okay, then," says Dawn, and blurts out a quick, "Hopeyougetbettersoon." She leaves the room and tells Buffy what Cordelia said.

Her sister responds with a shrug. "Figures," she says and they leave the hospital.

The whole thing's really confusing, though, because, as far as Dawn knows, Cordelia caught Xander and Willow kissing, except Xander seems to blame Cordelia for them breaking up and Xander's so sweet and nice, why would he do that if it wasn't her fault?

When Dawn asks Buffy about it, Buffy says that Xander's upset and so he's 'rationalizing' – whatever that means – even though nothing that happened is Cordelia's fault.

It gets even more confusing later on when Dawn hears that Xander and Faith slept together – as in, did sexual intercourse – because why would Xander be saying horrible things about Cordelia, things about the way she dresses and about how she likes some new boy at school – Wesley something – if he slept with Faith?

There's something really messed up about that.

But, by the time she gets around to asking Buffy about it, Faith's gone evil and Buffy's not really in the mood to talk about 'Xander's mistakes' and Dawn's not really in the mood to press the issue either.

Instead, Dawn lies on her bed, eyes stinging at the corners. She never wanted to be Faith, but it still feels like a part of her's been ripped out. Later that night, she crawls into Buffy's bed and snuggles up to her and tries not to notice that her sister's eyes look red too.

When summer comes around again, Faith's in a coma and Cordelia leaves town. Doesn't say goodbye, just slips away, almost like she was never there in the first place. Dawn almost tears her room apart looking for the year-old postcard.

Her mom stands in the doorway. "Dawn, what on earth are you —?"

Dawn drops the corner of her comforter back onto the bed. "How could she just leave?"

"Who?"

"Cordelia."

"Oh, honey …" Her mom puts an arm around her and gives her one of those half-smiles that means she doesn't really have an answer, but she wants Dawn to feel better anyway. "I think she just wanted a new start, sweetheart."

When her mom goes downstairs, Dawn finds the postcard behind the dresser, then sits on her bed and just stares at the message on the back for what feels like hours.

Because she knows Cordelia was here and she doesn't want to forget.

The summer after that, Willow turns up at the house with a new friend. Someone who isn't Buffy and isn't a boy. She isn't loud like Faith either or smart-bitchy-funny like Cordelia (except she probably is smart, 'cause she's Willow's friend from college; even if, technically, Buffy's Willow's friend from college too now) and she isn't weird and annoying like Xander's new girlfriend. Instead, Tara smiles shyly at Dawn and says 'hello' in a really quiet voice.

Then, because she's a total drama queen, Buffy makes a face and rolls her eyes and says, "Urgh, my little sister!" for no real reason Dawn can tell, since Dawn's just standing there eating a Peppermint Pattie.

Buffy and Willow start to head upstairs and, before she follows them, Tara leans down a little and half-smiles in a squinty kind of way that creases her eyes at the corners and lights them up at the same time and whispers to Dawn, "I-I get chocolate around my mouth too sometimes."

Dawn knows she's lying, but she beams back at Tara and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

When Tara's halfway up the stairs, Dawn blurts out, "If you're ever gonna leave, you'll tell me, right?"

Tara stops and turns. Her eyes blink and her mouth opens a little and Dawn sort of holds her breath while the rest of the Peppermint Pattie melts in her hand, because she knows it's a really weird, random thing to say to someone you just met.

Then Tara smiles the same way that she did before and says, "Promise."

Dawn watches her climb the rest of the stairs then goes into the living room. Careful not to get chocolate on the cushions, she lies along the couch and waits for her mom to come home.