A/N: This is written for bandtogetherandfight's St. Berry challenge. I'll probably enter another one as I'm not sure about this. I'm don't how I got from the brief to what I wrote, but my brain's always been a bit weird.
Summary: You wonder how easily his name falls from her lips nowadays. Does she whisper it to herself when she's alone, just to hear the sound of it?
Rating: T (Nothing too bad, a few references to sex at most).
Pairing(s): St. Berry, one sided Finchel, Fuinn.
Set: Four or five years after Rachel graduates.
If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth
That this love I have inside is everything it seems
But for now I find it's only in my dreams
You can feel her pulling away from you. It's not just that she only kisses you for the shortest amount of time possible, or that she's always the first to pull away from your hugs. It's the looks she gives you. You remember how when she looked at you, her eyes used to light up. Now, her eyes are tinged with sadness.
You've always been able to read her perfectly. She's so open, so you suspect that anyone could. And as an actress, she's got to be expressive. But a part of you wishes that you didn't have to deal with this. To see your girlfriend fall out of love with you in front of your very eyes. If only Rachel could be more subtle. But she isn't. And all it does is pain you, because you're losing her, and it's so incredibly obvious.
It's him. You're sure it is. When she's with him, her whole face lights up. Her laugh is full, her eyes bright, and they just seem to gravitate towards each other. You see the way his arm brushes against hers every so often. The way their hands touch when they pass each other things. Small, unimportant gestures to most people that you know mean so much. They can't help it, you reason. It's love. You can't control it.
You wish you could.
Of course, you always knew this was going to happen. When she got cast in that role, her dreams came true. But when you found out who her leading man was, yours were crushed. Because he was going to steal her from you, the way he always did. Because he was Jesse St. James, and you weren't. Because he was smart, talented, a good leader, and you aren't. Everything that you've tried so hard to be but know that you never will be. He's better than you in every way and you know it. And so does she.
Really, you've just been there to fill the gap until she found her way back to him.
You just wish that it didn't have to be whilst she was still stringing you along.
#
Things stay the same for a while. Rachel pretends to be in love you with. You don't bother to dispute it because that would mean losing her altogether. You've already lost, though. You lost the moment his eyes met hers. You lost the moment you ditched her for Santana and Brittany back in your sophomore year, leaving her open for him. In fact, you lost the moment he was born. Which doesn't make any sense, because you weren't even born when he was and neither was Rachel.
You promise yourself that when you know what's happening is truly happening, you'll stop playing along with Rachel's lies. That moment comes the night she slips into bed, into your arms, smelling of him. You don't know what's happened – and you don't really want to – but you know for sure that she's his now. She cuddles into your chest, but you're sure it's his arms she wants to be in. You watch her sleep as you lie awake. She's probably dreaming of him, but you want to spend every moment with her you can. Because soon enough, you won't be able to.
She brings you coffee in bed the next morning. There's a brightness to her smile, but you know her too well. It's false. You're certain that hewould be able to pick that up, too.
But you still play along. You said you'd stop when you knew for definite. But you don't. Maybe this will stop. Maybe she'll realise that she loves you, and not him.
It won't happen, but you can hope.
#
She starts coming home later. Her excuses vary. The queue at the stage door was longer than usual, she got coffee with the cast after the show, she wanted to walk rather than get public transport. Occasionally his name comes into the mix, like he needed her to help him with something. You ignore the way she looks when she says his name, the ghost of a smile on her lips when she thinks of him, despite her efforts to act like she's in love with you. Most of the time, though, she leaves him out. She even goes as far as to say that she's with Kurt sometimes. You don't bother to check. You already know it's not true.
Every day, you know she's lying. Her lips are slightly swollen, her hair's not perfectly brushed and her blouse isn't tucked into her skirt. In her haste to get home, she forgets to sort out these little things. She probably hopes you don't notice. But you do.
A part of you wants to go and beat up the bastard for doing what he is with Rachel. But you know that if you do that, she'll be sure to leave you for him. And you can't stand that. You cause a fuss, you make her choose, and you know deep down that she won't choose you. Because cheating on someone means you don't love them, and if she can go and sleep with him, then she definitely can't love you.
But you keep on pretending. Suddenly the song you wrote for Nationals in your senior year doesn't seem so good anymore. Because you will always be pretending. That's what your whole relationship is. Pretending.
#
She has to do promotional things for the show. With him. So she goes on television and sits next to him and talks about what it's like to kiss every night and how close friends they are. They talk about how much fun they have working together and you sit there trying not to be jealous.
It's nearly as bad as watching the actual show each night.
You watch them declare their love for each other, and you know it's not them acting. The reviews rant and rave about how convincing they are, how their characters' love is epic and how they're so perfectly suited to the roles. You sit in the audience, your first clenched, trying to act as if it doesn't bother you that your girlfriend is playing opposite her lover and you have to watch every look they share.
It bothers you a Hell of a lot. Not only is she cheating on you, but it's so in your face that you almost feel like going up there and challenging him to a fight like you did at Prom.
At least Sue Sylvester wouldn't kick you out this time.
Security probably would, though.
You're almost surprised that nobody catches on. There are physical things about love you can't fake. Like the dilation of the pupils as you look at the one you love. They may both be good actors, but they can't fake those reactions to each other.
Still, at least her show is succesful. You just hope it doesn't encourage her to work with him any more.
It probably will.
That makes you punch a couple of walls. Whether it's because of that, or because you're a terrible boyfriend for not wanting the show to do well all of a sudden, you're not sure.
Or maybe that wall just looked at you funny.
#
You try your hardest to make her love you again. To be the thing that lights up her world, not him. You spoil her with presents, with romantic dates, with sweet kisses. She smiles through it all, but it's not enough.
She rarely has sex with you anymore. You took her virginity back in high school, and you suppose you'll always have that over him. But now, she's getting it elsewhere, and you're stuck with your hand trying to pretend like she's too tired or too busy to help you out.
It's a lie. Everything is anymore.
She comes home really late one day, but the usual signs of what she's been doing aren't evident. The guilt on her face is, though. Something's changed, you can see it in her eyes, and you kiss her to try and make her forget whatever she's going to tell you.
It doesn't work, though. She'll never forget him.
So you walk away. You go to make a grilled cheese, but you hear her call out to you. Her voice is hesitant, your name falling from her lips in an almost awkward way. You wonder how easily his name falls from her lips nowadays. Does she scream it out when he brings her to her climax? Does she whisper it to herself when she's alone, just to hear the sound of it?
She walks over to you and takes your hands, leading you over to the couch. You sit down, and you know what's coming. She explains how she's not in love with you, and how she feels like your relationship isn't going anywhere, and how she wishes it didn't have to be this way. She explains that she's been thinking about this for a while, and that this most definitely isn't a rash decision. She explains that she did truly love you, but she just can't anymore.
"I know, Rachel," you tell her, and she looks up to you, suddenly caught off guard.
"About…?" She questions, and you almost laugh at how she tries to act innocent. She's the furthest thing from innocent now.
"You and Jesse. I've known for months. I'm not stupid, Rachel, and I know you." You say, and you sigh slightly. "I won't hold it against you. But please just stop lying. I want the truth, the whole truth."
And to your surprise, you get it. She tells you how when they first started the show, he hated her. But, eventually, they'd given in to their true feelings. He'd kissed her in her dressing room, and though she'd tried to deny it, she couldn't. Since then they'd been seeing each other in order to see if what they had was real. It had been going on for as long as you'd expected. Little dates behind your back, staying late at the theatre so that she could be with him. She admits to sleeping with him, but it's not that that hurts you the most.
"I love him. More than anything in this world," she tells you, and her face is so open, her tone so sincere that you can't deny it. It's the truth, and it's the truth that Rachel clings to to give herself strength in this. Because what's she's doing is, in her mind, right. Because she loves him. And that's all that matters to her.
You simply duck your head at that, trying not to let the tears that are welling up in your eyes spill over. Because you knew this would happen. You tell her so, and all she does is nod. She clearly knew it, too. The whole universe knew it. But you still kept pretending. You're good at that. Maybe you can be an actor, too.
Silence descends upon the two of you, and you find it ironic – that's the right word, right? – that this will end quietly, unlike everything else between you. It's Rachel. Silence isn't her thing. Drama is.
Eventually, you can't stand it. You get up, and Rachel's eyes meet yours. You lean down and kiss her head, and you close your eyes as you inhale her scent for what you know will be the last time. You can see that a part of her is saddened by what's going on, but you know that a larger part of what you see on her face is relief. Relief that she can get out of a dead relationship with you and go and be with the guy she loves.
You're kind of relieved, too.
At least she's going to be happy, now.
You couldn't give her that. But he can. And that's all you truly care about.
#
You move back to Ohio. You never wanted to go to New York, anyway. That was Rachel's dream, and you only chased it in order to chase her. You like Lima more than New York, in a way. It's nicer. Less huge. In New York, you felt insignificant. But now, you feel like you belong. Because you were never meant to go to the Big Apple. Rachel was, and Jesse was. You weren't.
It's about a year later that you find out that she and Jesse are engaged. It's funny, because earlier that day you told Quinn that you loved her for the first time since you left high school. Of course, you still think about Rachel occasionally. Though less and less. Because she's happy, and you're close to being happy.
Kurt gets an invite to the wedding. You're not surprised when you don't, because that would be awkward, but you hear all about it from your stepbrother on his visit home from New York.
Apparently it was a strangely muted affair for the two most dramatic people on the planet. Kurt says something about them not wanting the wedding to outshine their love, and you surprise yourself when you nod. You surprise yourself when you find it doesn't hurt so much to think about it. About them, being happily married.
You ask Kurt for some photos, and he hesitates before he pulls out his camera. You reassure him that you're fine, and that you need this, anyway, and he simply passes it to you in silence.
She looks beautiful. She always does. Her beauty isn't conventional, but she's stunning all the same. Then you see him. And the way he gazes at her like she's the only thing in the world. You suppose that to him, she is. He got the chance with her that he so desperately wanted, and you can tell by the look in his eyes that he won't screw it up again.
He loves her too much. More than you ever did.
You don't like admitting it but it's true.
You continue to flick through the pictures, and you can't help but smile softly at them. They really are the perfect couple. You wish that you and Rachel could have been, but your relationship was a fantasy. Theirs was an inevitability.
As you look at the pictures, you can see how in love they truly are. She may have been yours once, but she's sure as hell never looked at you with so much joy in her eyes. Their wedding day was the happiest day of her life, and you know it. And it was probably the happiest of his, too. The way he looks at her will never compare to you.
#
You settle down with Quinn, and she soon finds out she's pregnant. This was the chance with her you never got, and you're more than happy. You have a beautiful wife, a beautiful son, and a job you love doing. You're living your own version of the American dream.
It took the two of you a while to sort out your relationship, but you got there. She was your first love, and you were hers, and first loves are forever. And you realise, that Rachel was Jesse's and Jesse Rachel's. Because she may have crushed on you to the point of obsession for a while, but there hadn't been a chance for it to be love. But when Jesse came along, he gave her the love she needed, and she, for the most part, returned it.
Four years after you first told Quinn that you loved her, and your son, Jack, is two, you find out from Kurt that Rachel's pregnant.
It was only a matter of time, you suppose.
Your stepbrother keeps you updated. You smile when you find out she's having twins, and you pass on your congratulations to both her and Jesse. Most people would have thought you'd be bitter, but you're genuinely happy. Because Rachel is, and Quinn is, and Jack is, and that's the important thing.
It was hard for you to lose her all those years ago, to leave New York and return to Ohio. It was hard to watch her fall in love with someone else, but you can't help but feel grateful. Because it was for the better. For everyone. There wasn't a person he knew that hadn't benefited from that had happened.
You'd always felt selfish. You'd never truly deserved her and you'd known it.
He does, though.
#
Kurt organises a reunion for New Directions a few years later. By a few, it's more like five, but you're so happy you don't notice time passing anymore. Jack's seven by now, and you've got a four year old daughter called Lucy, too. Quinn had wanted her called that. She'd never used the name, so she thought that your daughter should. You just went with what she wanted. You'd do anything for her, anyway.
You travel with Quinn back to McKinley, ignoring your kids' whines about having to miss American Idol. They're both singers, strangely enough. All the other Glee clubbers have to fly interstate, Rachel, Jesse, Kurt and Puck from New York, Artie, Brittany and Santana and Sam from California. Mike and Tina even fly in from London and the others are dotted around places you can't remember. Most of you had tried to remain in touch, but it hadn't really worked. And most people are surprised when they see Jesse there. Hostile, even.
You've always been the leader of the club, so you take charge. You make your way over to them, and at first, you see a hint of jealously in his eyes. But Rachel touches his hand lightly and he remembers that he's the one who stole her off you. And married her. And got her pregnant. Twice, by the look of her swollen stomach.
You extend your hand to Jesse with a shrug, a hint of a smile on your face. You're being genuine, but he's hesitant in returning the hand shake. You briefly embrace Rachel, but it's as brief as brief can be. "It's good to see you both again," you tell them, and you mean it. They both return the sentiment, but not even your awkwardness can burst their little bubble.
Looking down, you spot the two curly haired children hiding behind Rachel's legs. "You going to introduce me to these two?" he asks, and Rachel smiles.
"Harrison and Lily." She tells you, and you nod. Their kids are pretty cute. Harrison is clearly his father in miniature and Lily is a perfect blend of the two of them. And their parents clearly both adore them.
The rest of the room, who had been watching to see how you'd react, slowly get bored when they realise there's not going to be a fight. At one point, Quinn drifts over and wraps an arm around your waist, and you know she's as jealous as Jesse was before. But then she sees the way she looks at him, and he looks at her, and she realises what you've known for a long time.
Jack and Lucy end up befriending Rachel and Jesse's kids, and when it comes to taking them home, you promise to meet up again just to please them. You don't mind the idea of that, either, because it'd be nice.
You don't love Rachel anymore, but you do care about her.
But she doesn't need your love when she has his.
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby, if I could change the world