Abe was sure there was something wrong with Mihashi. Abe couldn't place it, but it was there. Something was weird about the way the pitcher was throwing. He had his normal velocity, as unimpressive as it might be it was still intact. But there was something about the accuracy of the normally spot-on pitcher that had Abe questioning. It was not that Mihashi's pitches were wild or inaccurate, they were just off. But that was not the only thing that had Abe worried. It was Mihashi's eyes; they were inattentive and, well, dead.
Abe didn't know what to do. There was no point that Abe could bring up that would make the others believe him. He had asked some of the other players what they thought of the way Mihashi was acting and except for the fact that Mihashi was quieter than he normally was, although that too was arbitrary because now that Mihashi felt more accepted he became less weird, nobody else could see anything wrong with the pitcher. Even when Abe confronted Mihashi about it Mihashi lied to Abe. The dark haired catcher had no way to prove it of course but there was something wrong. Abe had studied his friend a lot since the season started. Abe had the pleasure of watching Mihashi grow and gain in confidence and grow while on the mound. Mihashi now stood a little taller, now held his head higher; but right now while on the mound Mihashi looked like hell.
It was the bottom of the seventh inning and Nishiura was down by only a run. This was amazing seeing they were playing the C-seed school. As much as Abe didn't want to admit it, Abe couldn't find anything wrong enough with Mihashi to make a case against him.
That is until Mihashi started pitching to this last batter of the inning. Mihashi had managed to get two outs with Abe's help. Now it was down to their ninth hole batter. Abe had gotten him out earlier with only showing him alternating curve balls curving from inside to outside; but with Mihashi in the state he was in Abe felt it better to get the out and check in on his pitcher during ground maintenance. He needed the batter to hit it away from the pitcher but keep it in the infield for an easy out. Mihashi's fastball would do the trick. If thrown low and inside the batter would pop it up to Tajima and the out would be theirs.
Mihashi didn't nod in understanding of Abe's sign. Instead the pitcher started his windup. This time Abe knew for sure that something was wrong. As Mihashi started the second half of his windup he started to wobble. At this point his face was completely flushed of any color and the boy looked as if he was going to be sick. The ball left Mihashi's hand but Abe could already tell there was a problem. Instead of being low and inside the ball rolled across home plate.
Abe was instantly on his feet and running toward his pitcher. He didn't care that it was a legitimate game in the middle of play. His pitcher needed him. Just as Abe reached the mound the smaller boy, who had been wobbling unsteadily since the last pitch, fell forward into his catcher's arms. Upon seeing their pitcher fall the rest of Nishiura were on their way to Mihashi's aid.
Abe could feel Mihashi trembling in his arms. He had a pale face and when Abe put his hand to the pitcher's forehead something felt off. The boy's weight was not what Abe had expected either; there was no way that this Mihashi was 50 kilos. Abe couldn't help but wonder if Mihashi, usually skinny, had always been this light.
Mihashi, who Abe had presumed had passed out, opened his eyes. Through half opened eyes he looked at Abe. "A-Abe-kun," Mihashi said. "Wha-what's going on? Why is everyone looking down at me?"
Abe quickly glanced around. The rest of Nishiura and even some of the opposing team had gathered around the pitcher. The officials had called the game and were now calling for an ambulance. "Mihashi, I-I knew something w-was wrong; why d-didn't you tell me?" Abe sputtered, his voice shaking with concern for his friend and teammate. Abe was scared, very scared.
"I'm s-sorry, Abe-kun," Mihashi replied. "I-I knew how much y-you wanted to w-win the game a-and I didn't want t-to let you d-down." Mihashi gasped.
Suddenly Mihashi's body shook even worse and he started retching. Abe turned the pitcher onto his side and up came what little breakfast Mihashi had had. Someone in the circle around them gasped and Abe saw it too: Mihashi's ex-breakfast was stained scarlet red. Mihashi turned back to his catcher. Abe saw the corners of Mihashi's mouth twitch into a quick smile that quickly faded as the pitcher closed his eyes once again and went limp.
'Oh Shit,' crossed Abe's mind. 'This was not going to be good.'
The ambulance arrived eternal minutes after it was called. Abe didn't notice what was going on around him until a stern hand shook him. "Abe, let go of him." He looked down and noticed that he had ensnared Mihashi's hand between his and was clamping down on it desperate not to let it go. Abe forlornly released Mihashi's hand and watched as the smaller boy was lifted onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. He wanted to get up, he wanted to follow his friend and stay by his side but Abe's body was riveted to the ground. Abe just sat there with the same astonished look on his face.
"Everyone, head to the locker room; Hanai-kun go to home plate and tell the official that we're forfeiting the game," said Momoe to the group. Then in a lower voice, "Tajima-kun, Abe-kun's in your hands please help him out." After giving her instructions Momoe nodded at Tajima and left to join Hanai at home plate with the officials. Without Mihashi the team could go on, but after something like this there was no way anyone on the team would play; especially poor Abe the catcher.
Abe still sat there looking at his lap. What seemed like years and years ago he had held his friend in his lap and now that Mihashi was gone Abe felt empty and cold. "Abe, let's go get up," came a familiar voice that Abe knew from somewhere. He looked up and saw Tajima, who was squatting down to his level. "We need to get changed." Abe didn't feel like moving, but Tajima grasped his catcher under the shoulders and hoisted Abe to his feet. Tajima attempted to drag his friend into the dugout and found it pretty much impossible. Tajima was one of the smallest guys on the team of first years and Abe was one of the biggest. So instead Tajima swung one of Abe's arms over his shoulder and acting as a crutch he and Abe made their way to the locker room.
It took the entire trek back to the dugout for Abe to come back to his senses one by one. First he realized that his eyes stung, then that Tajima was half walking half dragging him back to the locker room, and lastly he remembered what happened which gave reason to a very intense pain in his chest. Abe was thankful for Tajima's support. His body was not responding and utter fear was resurfacing again. By the time he was at the bench in the locker room all hell broke loose. Sheer panic spread over Abe's body and mind that crippled him into a ball curled up on the bench. The shock had left him and the sight of seeing his friend, hell his closest friend laying in his arms was too much for Abe to take. It had been a few years since Abe had had panic attacks. Usually they were triggered by trivial things, but Abe could still feel how light Mihashi's pale and shaking body was. A clamp of fear was crushing Abe's chest as his eyes let out all of the tears stored up since his initial days in the seniors. He was done.
Tajima had started to take off his clothes, but the soft sobbing sounds coming out of the normally composed and commanding catcher sympathized with the small cleanup hitter. Tajima watched as Abe went from bent over while sitting on the bench to curled up on the bench. Tajima was also close to the pitcher. He hadn't been paying attention that closely to Mihashi even after Abe asked him what he thought about the way the Pitcher was acting. When Tajima saw Mihashi's last pitch roll across home plate he now knew what Abe was talking about. It pained Tajima to know what was going on but something inside him kept the scrawny third baseman under control and for some reason optimistic.
Tajima walked over to Abe. The catcher looked so small and helpless. Tajima could only guess as to how he was feeling. By far the person who Mihashi looked up to and respected the most was Abe. Abe might raise his voice and get angry at Mihashi a lot, but Mihashi was always following Abe's lead and doing whatever Abe asked. It was only natural that the two become very close. Without caring as to what the distraught catcher might do, a shirtless Tajima wrapped his arms around his tear-sodden teammate. Aside from Mihashi's condition, Tajima didn't care about anything except his friend. "Abe, I can only begin to imagine how you feel," said Tajima as he buried his face into Abe's sweaty hair, "the only thing I know is that Mihashi will be fine. You're stronger than this; don't let it overtake you. Fight through this. The sooner you get changed the sooner we can get to the hospital and check up on him." Tajima couldn't fight the urge and gave his friend one last squeeze and an indiscernible kiss on top of the catcher's sweaty head.
To Tajima's surprise Abe stopped crying. "Y-you're right Tajima," a somber Abe said. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. I-I still can't believe what happened."
Tajima kept an eye on his friend as they both quickly changed; putting their clothes on over their still sweaty bodies. Showers could wait, the hospital wasn't far away but the walk would take a few minutes and it would be better to see Mihashi now and relieve any fear and doubt that they might have.
Abe staggered out of the locker room followed closely by Tajima. Abe was still emotionally distraught over his friend's injury but he was done crying over it. Tajima was staggering a little as well. Abe was grateful for the third baseman. Abe didn't want to have to face the team after what had happened on the field. He was sure that everyone felt the same way but Abe felt that they didn't know how he felt. There was so much that Abe wanted to forget and he thought that Nishiura would be the place to do it, but things had turned out like they were before.
By the time Abe emerged from the locker room the sky was already beginning to turn red and orange. He guessed that he had been in the locker room for what had to be at least half an hour and was grateful that Tajima had gone ahead and told Momoe to go home without them. Abe was sure that Tajima had told her what went on in the locker room, although he probably would have told her about the incident himself. Abe knew that as the coach she had to know about stuff like this because it was vital to the structure and compatibility of the team. He knew all this, but there was still a lot that nobody knew and did not want them to know.
Tajima and Abe did not talk much as they walked the fifteen minutes to the train station. The pair stuck out on the train due to their worried faces and smelly bodies. The hospital was another ten minutes by train and by this point Abe was starting to act as weird as Mihashi. He was anxious to see his friend and felt uneasy about how late it had gotten.
The train station was across the street from the hospital. After the short stint crossing the street they reached the hospital. Abe noted how visibly upset Tajima was when they entered the building. He recalled the story about Tajima's great grandfather and why Tajima decided to come to Nishiura. At the time Abe had thanked Tajima's family for forgetting about him but now Abe hated himself for his past comment. Without Tajima's help Abe would still be in pieces back in the locker room.
Abe didn't notice how close Tajima was to him until the pair reached the reception desk and Tajima bumped into Abe's back when the catcher stopped. "Excuse me," Abe asked. "C-can you tell me what room M-Mihashi Ren is in please? He was recently admitted today and we wanted to visit him."
The receptionist, who had what looked like half a kilo of eye shadow on looked at the boys from under what had to be amazingly strong eyelids. Her lips twitched into a smile at the slightly disorientated boys and she looked down at a computer. Her fingers flew amazingly fast over the keyboard and in seconds she had pulled up the pitcher's file. "Mihashi Ren, third floor room 26, to the left out of the visitor elevator."
The two baseball players thanked the receptionist. It took them a few minutes to find the elevator and make it up to Mihashi's floor. One by one the boys ascended in room numbers until a dirty blond haired lady emerged from one of the rooms. It was Mrs. Mihashi.
"Oh, boys!" She gasped in surprise. "Ren is awake now but be careful; he doesn't have much strength at the moment."
"Mihashi-san," Abe started, "what exactly is wrong with your son? You don't seem that concerned."
Mrs. Mihashi smiled at her son's friends. "Ren has had this condition for a while now. You see boys; Ren has a fairly large ulcer in his stomach. It started as a small one his first year on the baseball team in junior high and grew to be pretty large by the end of his third year. He is actually doing a lot better now than he was before he came to Nishiura; although I was hoping his hospital visits would be behind him but it seems he is still very stressed about something."
Abe felt a little relieved yet immensely angry at himself. He was relieved to hear that it was an ulcer. Abe was worried that his friend was suffering from something much worse. Yet he was also almost uncontrollably mad at himself because he could not help Mihashi enough to keep him safe. Abe had promised at the training camp in the beginning of the season that both he and Mihashi would not get injured at all throughout their three years at Nishiura. Now his best friend was in a hospital bed on meds because he still had anxiety over the new team. Abe had not done his job as a catcher.
Abe followed closely by Tajima entered Mihashi's room. Mihashi was sitting up in bed watching TV and looking like his usual self. This surprised Abe who quickly thought about what Mihashi's mother had said and made him wonder how many times this had happened.
When Mihashi saw his teammates enter the hospital room he almost fell out of bed. The pitcher did not expect his teammates to visit so soon and was particularly fearful of what Abe would say about Mihashi loosing the game for the team. Mihashi never expected the catcher to visit this soon after he had been taken to the hospital. Mihashi figured by looking at the two boys that they had not even been home or cleaned up because they still had all of their baseball stuff with them. Mihashi knew that they had come to yell at him for not getting off of the mound. What worried Mihashi the most though was the look on Abe's face. Mihashi was not sure of what it meant.
Abe got the sudden urge to smack Mihashi. The moment he saw Abe the pitcher started fidgeting back and forth. Abe had the sudden urge to smack his friend and tell him to settle down but something about seeing his friend act like his usual self soothed Abe. He and Tajima walked over to Mihashi and sat next to the bed on a couple of generic armchairs in the ugliest cloth Abe had seen in a long time. "Mihashi," he said; the smoothness of his voice surprising everyone in the room including himself. "Your mother told us what's going on. I, I'm glad that it's only an ulcer but," Abe paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. The catcher gathered all of the sincerity and intensity he could and continued, "I'm sorry that you have been under so much stress because of me. From the bottom of my heart I apologize. I'm sorry."
Abe felt his eyes start to tear up again. If what Mrs. Mihashi had said was true and her son truly was under a lot of stress, it was almost definitely Abe's fault for it; after all while Abe controlled what happened in games it was Mihashi who was blamed for everything. Even off the field Abe was still ordering the pitcher around. Abe was starting to get sick to his stomach.
Mihashi sat there with a blank look on his face. He had expected Abe to yell at him for a wide variety of reasons, the biggest to Mihashi being that the team had to forfeit because of him. This turn of events was a major surprise to Mihashi. He had felt terrible for staying on the mound even though he knew that he was a lousy pitcher. "A-Abe-kun," Mihashi started, "I'm the one who should be sorry. Even though I know I'm a lousy pitcher I still decided to pitch." It was Mihashi's turn to bow his head now. "And now our season is done because of me. I-I understand if you guys hate me." Mihashi had been in this situation before and knew what was coming. Even in junior high he was at first accepted onto the team but they turned. His teammates always turned their backs on Mihashi and for good reason.
The only thing Abe could do was look at Mihashi. He had hoped to rid Mihashi of at least some of the negative sentiments that the pitcher had floating with him but it looked to Abe as if he had failed at that too. Abe was starting to lose his temper as well. The catcher suddenly leaned in and grabbed the pitcher's head with both hands. Abe wanted Mihashi to be able to see into his eyes, to be able to see the fire along with the truth; Abe wanted Mihashi to understand. Abe leaned in close to Mihashi and looked him directly in the eye, mere inches away from the now frightened pitcher's face. "Mihashi, this was not your fault." Abe had never tried to put as much truth and emotion into his voice before. "Do you remember what I told you at the beginning of the season? All you have to do is pitch as I tell you, the rest on me." Abe decided it would be best to keep Mihashi's face near his although he could not justify why he felt this way.
Tajima had been silent the whole time. Tajima knew that he was not the best at reading moods or approaching situations with any sort of grace, but this one was obvious even to him. Of course Tajima was worried, but Abe was more so. But when Abe suddenly grabbed Mihashi's face, Tajima sprang to his feet and was about to physically pull Abe off. Mihashi was his pitcher and Tajima didn't care who it was, if they were messing with his pitcher, his brother, then Tajima would do all he could to defend him.
Abe was surprised by Tajima's sudden actions. He was amazed to see Tajima get so defensive over Mihashi. The third baseman loomed over the catcher who was still gently but firmly holding onto the pitcher's face. Abe decided it was best to release Mihashi and reluctantly let his friend's face slip from his hands. Abe started to wonder why Tajima was so possessive over Mihashi. Those two were always together and even during their second game of the summer tournament when there was a misunderstanding between Hanai and Mihashi Tajima almost jumped on Hanai despite it being in the middle of a regulation game. Abe couldn't help but to wonder if there was something beyond friendship on Tajima's mind. Abe decided it would be better if he sat back down. "Sorry," he muttered.
Tajima eyed the catcher warily. Abe was a bit bigger than the cleanup hitter but that wasn't the reason why the third baseman did not want to have to put Abe in his place. Tajima knew deep down that despite being Mihashi's 'adopted' older brother he looked up to Abe; not so much in awe of Abe but more in admiration. Tajima knew he was an airhead at times and knew he couldn't control situations the way Abe could. There was a reason Abe was a vice captain.
The tension in the air hurt Abe a little. Mihashi has retracted himself as far into the bed as he could while Tajima's eyes kept flickering over to Abe. The mood here was bad; Abe needed to get Mihashi alone so he could talk.
"H-hey guys, where have you two been?" Came a voice from the open door. The speed demon Izumi smiled from the doorway while Hanai and Sakaeguchi stared in from the hall. Izumi got the feeling that he had interrupted something relatively important.
Abe looked at his watch and cursed under his breath but loud enough to make sure everyone had heard it. Abe needed to talk to Mihashi but it had to be alone, and with everyone here Abe knew that he was going get pissed off sooner or later. Besides, with everything that happened today there was a lot that Abe had to get off of his mind. "Sorry guys but I gotta get going; I have homework and I know that my parents are wondering where I am." Both of these were true but Abe simply needed to get out. The catcher bid his farewells to his fellow teammates and gave Mihashi an intense but short stare before weaving his way through the bodies and out the door. He quickly sped down the hall and out of the hospital.
When Abe got home his parents were waiting for him. Abe already knew what they wanted to talk about it and he really did not want this right now. As he walked by the living room his parents called out to him. "Can this wait? There's some stuff I need to do and I don't have the time." Abe didn't wait for a response; instead he trudged his way upstairs to his room. Abe dropped his bag off in his room. His thoughts from the day which were previously floating around in the back of his mind came to the forefront. Abe closed his eyes for a moment but the second his eyes closed Abe saw Mihashi's face with the same lifeless and cold eyes the pitcher had had while on the mound. Abe was bewildered by the sudden image and tears started to form at the corners of his eyes. It would be troublesome if Abe's parents wanted to follow up on their planned talk so instead of collapsing onto his bed like Abe had planned; he gathered a change of clothes and headed off to take a bath.
Once Abe closed the door to the bath he knew he was safe for a while. As Abe stripped down he thought about what happened throughout the day. The mind-movie of the game kept replaying through Abe's head. He could still feel his pitcher's scarily light body shaking in his hands. Mihashi had to have been under so much stress and pressure from the season Abe had no idea what he would have done in the same situation.
All of the emotions from the day now resurfaced. Abe had taken a big gamble coming to a no-name public school and struck pay dirt; but now he had taken that diamond he had found and through his own inattentiveness and carelessness Abe had successfully managed to allow his pitcher, his friend to suffer so much as to put him in the hospital. Abe acknowledged that he was a failure as a catcher for hurting his pitcher so much and especially as a friend for allowing all of this to happen.
And there it was again; the same pain and despair that Abe had felt during the senior league. Abe tried so hard to become a good catcher but it did not matter. Even after all of the time and effort Abe put in he was still a lousy catcher who could hardly catch his pitcher's balls. Suddenly Momoe's description of what a catcher's job was appeared in Abe's mind. Abe had thought that he had given Mihashi peace of mind but instead the smaller boy only suffered internally.
Abe felt a familiar pain in his chest. It felt like his heart was being clamped in a vice but Abe knew what it really was. The anxiety of the day that had built up in Abe's chest and in his mind now reached the limit. The pain in his chest and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and stress overtook the naked Abe and made him collapse to the floor curled into a ball. Tears now freely flowed from his eyes as Abe had his second panic attack of the day. He hated himself for being a bad catcher, for letting down the team, and especially for hurting Mihashi. Abe couldn't stand to face his team. Nishiura had done very well for themselves during the summer tournament so they were bound to get at least some new recruits for next year's team and there was a likely chance that one of those new recruits could turn out to be a decent catcher. Abe had taken a big risk coming to this unnamed school with a first year team, and after what he's done to almost ruin the team Abe knew he was not needed. He had made up his mind; if all Abe does is destroy the team and hurt his friends then Abe didn't deserve a spot on the team. Abe still needed to think about it a little more and wait for the right timing, but he knew that the he had to quit the team. This was the last and by the way Abe saw it the only good thing he could do for the team.
Even after making the decision to do what's best Abe still could not rid himself of the paralysis of the panic attack. He visualized how the team would react to the news and knew what they would say. The one variable that Abe couldn't foresee was how Mihashi would act. The pitcher was always volatile in his actions and even after he had grown close to Abe Mihashi still hid himself and his feelings from the catcher. Abe tried to picture how Mihashi would act when he found out but every possible scenario that Abe played out ended with devastating effects on Mihashi.
Abe couldn't take any more. The pain, the despair, these terrible thoughts and predictions were too much for the first year to handle. Abe could taste the tears that were flowing down his face and into his mouth.
The mentally destitute soon to be former catcher couldn't help but to laugh at himself. He was lying naked on the floor of his bathroom curled into a ball while crying and sobbing to himself. Abe truly was pitiful and it amused him to see how his plans for starting over as a new and stronger individual panned out to be nothing. Abe knew deep down that the next few years at Nishiura were going to be just like junior high.
Now that Abe had accepted the despair and hate there were going to fill his life he was a little more under control. Abe, filled with a new resolve, finished his bath in peace. He had a bit of homework that had to be done and occupied his time with that and promptly went to bed after.
The next day, Sunday, Abe woke late. He felt better in the dream world than he did in reality and knew that things were going to be difficult over the next few days. Abe checked his mobile and found that he had two new messages, one from Hanai and one from Mihashi. Abe quickly read over Hanai's message detailing no practice Monday after school instead they were going to have a team meeting in the morning. He hesitated when he got to Mihashi's mail. Abe was not sure what to expect but something made him anxious and uneasy.
"Abe you said you wanted to meet with me? I just got released from the hospital tonight. Please call me." The message was time-stamped late the previous evening. Abe hoped that Mihashi did not stay up waiting for Abe to call. Abe knew there was no way he could call the pitcher back so soon. It was certain that he had to talk to Mihashi and if he could run by the prospect of Abe's quitting the team. If Abe could 'hypothetically' run the scenario by Mihashi and judge his reaction Abe could come up with a plan to deal with the pitcher when he broke the news to the team as a whole.
It was just past noon when Abe got the mail from his teammates and he spent the next two hours debating how he wanted to handle the situation with Mihashi. Abe had to think of the right words to say to get his intentions through without Mihashi suspecting a thing. Numerous times throughout the two hour deliberation Abe dialed Mihashi's number but could not bring himself to push the little green button to send the call. The numbers on the screen laughed at the 'cool, calm, and analytical' catcher as he struggled with all his might to push that one little button.
Those two hours were hell. Finally Abe had enough and in a fit of decisiveness his thumbs flew across the keypad and jammed the little green 'send' button. Abe stuck the phone to his ear and waited. The soft ringing tone in his ear lulled Abe into a warm and fuzzy state of insecurity. When the gentle traitorous tones abruptly stopped Abe was caught off guard. "He-hello," the unmistakable voice of Mihashi rang through the earpiece and throughout Abe's mind. "Hello…" the voice repeated.
"Mmm. It's Abe," the catcher responded after the completely awkward silence. "Mihashi I, um, we need to talk."
"A-Abe-kun, what is it?" the pitcher asked.
The carefully orchestrated speech Abe composed in his head vaporized. "I, um, uh…" the catcher sputtered trying to remember what he needed to say. "I, um," things were getting bad. Abe felt like a jackass. "We need to meet up. Tonight if possible. Are you free?"
Abe grew exponentially more troubled as the seconds of silence ticked past. "Mmm," Mihashi finally grunted just before Abe gave in to the agony. "I'm b-buys right now, Abe-kun, but we c-can meet five."
"Five is fine with me. How about I meet you in front of the CD store?" Abe asked. Mihashi grunted in agreement. Abe hung up the phone and expected to feel better after taking some of the pressure off but in reality he still felt anxious. Abe completely forgot what he had planned to say to Mihashi and now has to inform Mihashi face to face.
It was four thirty before Abe knew it. He had spent almost the entire time in his room spare a brief stint into the kitchen. Now it was time for Abe to meet up with Mihashi and attempt to gage his reaction. Abe had never dreaded anything more in his life.
The sky was turning an array of beautiful colors by the time Abe got to the CD store. Mihashi was leaning against the store's brick facing waiting for him to arrive. The smaller boy looked to Abe to be still very pale and weary. The black haired catcher felt horrible for what he was going to have to put his pitcher through. He felt horrible yet Abe knew it was for the best.
"Mihashi how are you feeling?" Abe asked his friend.
"I-I'm good, Abe-kun," the meek pitcher replied.
Another lie. The fact that Mihashi would still lie to Abe was testament to the pitcher's distrust in the catcher. "Mihashi, do you mind if we take a walk?"
After a moment Mihashi nodded and pushed himself from against the wall. He joined Abe and together the two boys wandered down the street.
The two walked in silence for a few blocks. Abe had a hard time organizing his thoughts. Abe wanted to get his feelings across to Mihashi and have the pitcher but Abe didn't know how or where to start. He was getting nervous.
The silence was unbearable. Abe had to say something; had to get Mihashi talking instead of the eerie Mihashi being too quiet and too calm. "Um, M-Mihashi," Abe silently cursed his wavering voice. He took a deep breath and continued, "Are you hungry? We should get something to eat. What do you feel like?" Abe hung his head. He was so flustered he could not think strait. 'Damn,' he thought, 'damn.'
Mihashi nodded his head. Abe needed to find someplace close. He knew that even though Mihashi was in pretty good shape he had passed out the day before and spent some time in the hospital so walking all over the city was out of the question. There was a small and unassuming ramen shop relatively close to the CD store that Abe had eaten at a few weeks before and thought that that would be best both on Mihashi's stomach and for having a peaceful conversation.
The ramen shop was just off the main street and much to Abe's thanksgiving was deserted. The shop was quite small with seating for only 15 people but the ramen here was legendary, or at least Abe believed so. The two walked to the counter and placed their orders. Abe ordered the beef ramen and was surprised when Mihashi did not say a word. "Go ahead and order Mi-Mihashi; my treat," the catcher said.
The plump but amazingly sweet latter middle aged lady behind the counter gave the boys a smile that Abe swore almost gave him diabetes. Out of the corner of his eye the dark hair boy saw Mihashi's shoulders relax a bit at the older woman's kind gesture. Abe knew he made the right choice in coming here.
After Mihashi ordered a bowl of miso ramen the two boys took a seat near the window. This was Abe's custom seat where he spent much of his junior high years fighting the battles in his head. The sweet old lady, Abe never found out her name, had often helped Abe through many of his difficult situations that he just could not talk to his parents about. It was not that he hated his parents; on the contrary they were very good to him but Abe felt like he could not connect with his parents. They lived in one world and he lived in another. The ramen shop owner was kind to him and always helped whenever he needed it. She gave the two boys another sugary sweet smile as she delivered the two bowls of ramen.
"S-so Abe-k-kun," Mihashi spoke up taking Abe a bit by surprise, "what d-did you want t-to talk to me a-about?"
Abe tried to rack his mind for his well rehearsed ploy to test Mihashi's reaction. "Well, um," Abe started trying to buy himself some time. For the life of him Abe could not think of what he had planned. Abe was not the kind of guy to get terribly nervous and forget everything but since seeing his friend limp in his arms Abe was having a hard time focusing.
'Screw it,' Abe thought to himself, 'better to get it out while we're here and alone than make things more awkward between us.'
Abe looked up at his friend across the table. "Mihashi," Abe started again, "I first and foremost want to say that no matter what you think, no matter what you believe, the game yesterday was my fault."
"Bu-but Abe-kun–" Mihashi tried to interject.
"No Mihashi," Abe stated firmly. "I told you at the start of the season that all you have to do is pitch as I tell you. I knew you were feeling bad but to be honest you were pitching very well. I couldn't find any reason to make a scene out of it."
"But I," Mihashi interrupted.
"Mihashi let me finish," Abe growled. After reestablishing his dominance of the conversation Abe continued in a much softer and gentler tone, "please." Abe closed his eyes and gathered his thoughts. "Secondly, Mihashi, I'm sorry for this season. Tajima and I ran into your mom before we visited you. She told us that the reason you passed out was because of the ulcer you got during junior high was acting up again. I know that you have had a difficult season here and I was trying to show you that you can be an amazing pitcher. I know I lost my temper with you quite frequently this past season and I now understand how hard it has been on you. I was hoping to force you to recognize how strong you are both as a pitcher but more importantly as a person but it looks like all I did was put you under a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety. It is for making your life here at Nishiura as bad as what it was at Mihoshi that I want to apologize."
Abe felt better after getting his main grievance off his chest. The anxiety that strangled his heart and enveloped his mind was slowly starting to lift itself. All that was left was to subliminally let Mihashi know that Abe was quitting the team.
"And lastly, Mihashi, I wanted to tell you that I–" a pain shot through Abe's side. He showed no sign of the pain but knew the reason why it was there. "That I–" the pain throbbed again. Abe was beginning to get frustrated. No matter what Abe had to tell Mihashi. He took a deep breath and finished, "that I won't be playing baseball anymore."
'So much for a subtle hint,' Abe thought to himself.
The silence coming from across the table started to scare Abe. Mihashi was just looking at the dark haired boy, the only movement Abe could see was Mihashi's chest expanding and contracting with each breath.
"Huh?" Mihashi finally uttered.
"Mihashi," Abe had to say the dirty blonde's name but why he didn't know. "I am the reason for all of your stress, all of your anxiety, and all of your pain here at Nishiura. As a member of the team I must do what is best for the team and if something is hurting the team in any way I must do my job as both a member of the team and an assistant captain of the team to do what is best for everyone. I single handedly destroyed Nishiura's best weapon and central factor. That is unacceptable."
Abe bowed his head, staring at his now empty bowl of ramen. "Also I have hurt you. I reopened the wound inflicted during the worst time of your life; that means that I am causing you to go through the same trouble and hardship that you went through at Mihoshi Academy. I am a failure both as a catcher but more importantly as a friend. I couldn't help you, I couldn't save you, and most important I only made things worse. Next year there will be a new set of recruits for the baseball team; there is bound to be a decent catcher amongst them and if there is not then I'm sure you and Tajima will do fine as a battery." Abe wiped away the tears that were starting to form around his eyes. So much for giving Mihashi only a subtle hint. Now there was nothing left to do but try to make sure nothing terrible happened.
The pair sat in silence for what Abe felt was an eternity. Mihashi did not flinch, did not speak, did not move a muscle, and he definitely did not act like the usual Mihashi. Abe was starting to grow worried.
"A-Abe-kun," Mihashi spoke. Abe was slightly relieved that the smaller boy had taken everything in and was able to process it. "I, um, we, um," the pitcher was stuttering now; "y-you shouldn't quit," he finally responded, his voice trailing off as he finished the last few words. Abe got the feeling that he really wanted to say more but that Mihashi did not think it was his place to. Abe sat there and waited for Mihashi to pick up that it was alright for him to continue. After a deep breath the dirty blond continued. "Without you, Abe-kun, I-I'm just a lousy pitcher w-with a slow fastball. I need y-you behind the plate to t-tell me what to do." Mihashi let his head slump forward as he said this.
Abe looked at Mihashi. These were all things Abe had said to himself throughout the season; that without Abe Mihashi was only a mediocre pitcher.
Mihashi's head shot straight up and he locked eyes with Abe. "Um, A-Abe-kun, I don't th-think that you're a b-bad friend." Mihashi had tears forming around his eyes. "I wanted t-to be N-Nishiura's ace. I-I'm glad you pu-pushed me like you d-did. A-Abe-kun showed me w-what it's like to b-be a real ace; to ha-have a real," Mihashi paused and wiped away the tears from his cheeks, "a real fr-friend."
Anyone else would be delighted to hear that, especially at a time like this. Unfortunately Abe was not a normal person. His cold prickly personality made it hard for him to make friends and he knew it. Because of this Abe was not exactly at the top of the social pyramid and had a hard time making lasting relationships. Abe never showed much of an interest in anything besides baseball and because of that hardly ever talked to the people around him. This was apparent to him at Nishiura, a place where he tried his best to be a friendlier and more outgoing person, Abe was still unable to take down his personal barriers and essentially alienated himself from those around him.
Abe had so many things he wanted to say to the pitcher. Instead he continued Mihashi's unwavering eye contact and said, "Mihashi, I'm not exactly a great guy to be friends with."
"Abe-kun, no matter what you will always be my friend," Mihashi said in a voice that Abe had never heard. It was clear, focused, and unwavering; completely unlike anything that Abe ever expected from Mihashi. The pitcher quickly looked away as if he was ashamed at what he just said.
The pitcher suddenly stood and without even looking at Abe said "I-I better get g-going. I will see y-you at the m-meeting tomorrow m-morning." The old stuttering Mihashi was back and seemed to be embarrassed at what he had said previously.
Before Abe could say a word the dirty blond walked out the door and quickly disappeared from sight. Abe was left alone trying to figure out what the Mihashi had said. It was apparent to Abe that he was a terrible person who did nothing but hurt Mihashi and drove him mentally and physically back to when he was in junior high. Why would Mihashi say that Abe would always be his friend? Abe was a terrible person who should not have any friends; all that would come of being Abe's friend was more pain for Mihashi.
"He's right you know," the ramen shop owner said. She was leaning on the counter by the cash register with her head resting on her hands. "I can't say that I know you personally or what exactly is going on, but you have been coming here for almost three years now and we've talked a lot. You're a good kid and a smart kid but you're a complete dunce if you think that you're protecting him by keeping him outside of your shell. I could see the way he was looking at you. You mean the world to him; almost as if," she stopped herself before she finished her sentence. A wide smile crossed her face and she decided to instead end with "you're a very special person to him."
Abe could not help but to stare blankly at the ramen shop owner as she walked into the back room. Abe was always the analytical one who was always able to see patterns and come up with strategies; yet here he is completely unable to comprehend and understand something so close to him. Abe wanted to figure out what he was missing that apparently was so obvious to the kind old lady who had never even seen the two of them interact before. There was the possibility that she could be wrong, Abe kept that in mind, but there was something deep down in Abe's mind that made him know she was correct; at the very least simply because she had always been right before.