Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Pokemon. If anyone was looking for Christmas present ideas for me, you now know.
Chapter One
The Greatest Gift of All
The wind blew cold through the Kanto region that early December morn. The snow fell light as feather down, only to drift and compact to the consistency of wet sand. But deep in the Cerulean Caves, the cold went unnoticed. Summer or winter, rain or snow, it was always slightly chilly and damp, like a leaky basement. In those caves, the cold was the least you had to worry about.
There were deep passages, constantly guarded in case some ignorant or foolhardy trainer blundered in. Even the local Champion never went there. He knew that he was not worthy. Within those catacombs dwelled the strongest, most dangerous wild pokemon in the region. The monsters there laughed at any pitiful human that would try to imprison them in tiny balls. Yet they still went through the caverns with a guarded look in their eyes, as if there was some greater power in those caves they too were afraid of.
If some brave or lucky soul made it past these sentinels, there were yet greater trials. Embedded in the walls were swinging blades and spike traps to put Indiana Jones to shame, just waiting to slice, dice and chop anything that came too close. Trip-wires stretched taught, ready to snap. Hidden nozzles would fire jets of flame like a medieval dragon, floors concealed acid pits that would make a James Bond villain proud, and other secret horrors made the cave a death-trap.
At the deepest passage, past the guards and the monsters and the killing devices, there was a passage, blocked off by a boulder too massive to be moved. Carved into the living rock over the doorway was a message, as foreboding as the inscription over the gates of Hell. It said two words and two words only. "Keep Out." Some people would say that the warning was a little late, but anyone who had blundered this far obviously hadn't gotten the message yet anyway.
Within the cavern dwelled the creature. Its large, onion-shaped head balanced upon two tubular necks, its yard-long tail swished behind its purple kangaroo-like legs. It hunched before a lab table, its light bulb fingers clasped around a test tube containing a strange, volatile liquid. To the left sat a computer, its keys telekinetically hitting themselves and making a noise like a tap dancing spider. To the right, a chalkboard was scribbled on by a disembodied piece of chalk, drawing almost arcane symbols like a poltergeist with a Ph. D.
Here dwelled Mewtwo, the Genetic pokemon, toiling with complicated glassware and multicolored liquids like a mad scientist. Which in a way, he was. He labored at his grand works, assured none would interrupt him, that he was completely isolated, utterly…
"Hello? Pizza delivery for a Mr.…Mewtwo?" The clone looked up from his work in obvious irritation, glaring at the sound of tentative knocking coming from his door. With a weary sigh, he carefully put down his vial of chemicals and slouched over to the door.
"I did not order any pizza. I do not even own a phone," he said, trying to intimidate the ridiculously persistent prankster that had made it to his cave. He shifted the boulder with his telekinesis. "If you do not want to be ripped limb from limb, I suggest you…" he paused, confused, when he found nobody outside, "…leave?"
His confusion quickly gave way to pride, a smirk crossing his face at the thought of scaring off the punk without even seeing him. Then from behind him came an explosion, and his hopes came crashing down. He spun around to witness the smoke clear, revealing his lab in ruins, his glassware reduced to powder as fine as the snow outside. In the middle of the chaos floated what appeared to be a pink kitten, face blackened with soot like Wile E. Coyote and a goofy grin on his face.
"You know brother," Mew said, seemingly unharmed by the recent fireball, "I can't believe you actually fell for the 'pizza delivery' distraction. You must be losing your touch. By the way, I don't think these two chemicals should mix, they might cause an explosion," he said, his warning coming a little late.
"First of all, I am not your 'brother.' I am your clone, there is a big difference." Mewtwo glared at his counterpart, his voice the eerie calm of someone who's too angry to yell. "Secondly, why are you here, destroying all my things?"
"Very well, I won't call you brother. I was wondering what you were doing here, son." He either didn't notice Mewtwo twitch at being called "son" or didn't care. "I thought that you could use a night on the town, see the sights, and have some fun. It can't be healthy to be cooped up in this cave."
"I am not your son, either." "Can I call you my nephew?" "NO! I have a lot of work to do here, and I would like to not be interrupted by explosions."
"What work? I know for a fact you don't have a sphere of influence like the other Legendaries. You don't have to do anything you don't want to!" Mew ranted. "Does that mean I can ignore you and get back to my work?" "NO!"
"Look Mew," he began, but before he could chew out Mew properly, a knock came from his door for the second time that day, an almost unheard-of occurrence. In his irritation, he roughly flung the boulder to the side, shattering it into shrapnel like a stick of dynamite going off.
The dust cleared, revealing a lone Pidgey, a mail bag slung over one shoulder, shivering in terror. Mewtwo's eyes widened in astonishment. It was understandable for Mew to covertly make it past the local pokemon and his death-traps, but no mere Pidgey should have come this far. The shrapnel from the shattered boulder alone should have killed him. But contrary to all reason, there it stood, shaken of mind but sound in body.
"Um, a, um, l-letter f-f-for, um, Mew?" the tiny, terrified bird stuttered, all the while glancing at the crater Mewtwo had made in the adjacent cave wall.
Upon hearing mention of his name, the pink kitten floated into view, the soot on is face miraculously gone. "Oh, hi Bob, you've got a letter for me?" The Pidgey reached into the bag with his wing and pulled out an envelope, the paper so white it almost hurt to look at.
Mewtwo tried to comprehend what had just transpired. "Who are you? How did you get here?" "Um, I'm Bob, and I'm the m-messenger of L-L-Lady Arceus." "Why would Arceus use a Pidgey as her messenger?" At this, Bob merely shrugged.
While Mewtwo and Bob discussed the odd hiring practices of the Alpha pokemon, Mew opened the letter. His huge blue eyes darted from side to side as he scanned the writing. A smile crept further and further up his face as he read, threatening to make the top of his head fall off. As he finished the letter, he proceeded to whoop for joy, doing summersaults in midair and laughing almost maniacally.
Mewtwo, a person not known for being very jovial, regarded Mew's celebrations like it was some bizarre satanic ritual. "What has Mew so worked up?" In response, Bob the Pidgey reached into the mail bag and pulled out another envelope, identical to Mew's "I-I've already delivered them to, um, the other Legendaries, yours and Mew's are the last," the poor Pidgey stuttered.
Mewtwo tore it open, and began to read the letter, the writing in such complicated calligraphy it might as well have been another language;
Salutations Mewtwo.
You are cordially invited to the Centennial Christmas Party, hosted by Arceus, the Original One. The holiday festivities shall commence at 4 PM on Christmas Eve at the Hall of Origin, in the Sinnoh region. Please R.S.V.P. if you wish to attend.
Signed, Arceus, Creator of All Things.
P.S., as per tradition, you have been randomly selected to be Secret Santa to a fellow Legendary. This year, you are required to bring a gift for Deoxys, the DNA pokemon.
The Genetic pokemon finished the letter, trying to grasp what he had just learned. He thought carefully. He'd never been invited to a party before, especially by his fellow Legendaries. This was a milestone, a sign of acceptance into their noble pantheon.
"I think I will R.S.V.P. 'No.'" He then crumpled up the letter and casually let it fall on the floor.
Mew saw this spectacle, actually halting in his celebration in shock at his clone's yuletide sacrilege. "WHAT?! But you have to go! It'll be fun!"
"No, it will not. Firstly," he said, counting his arguments on his deformed fingers, "I would have to travel several hundred miles to get to Sinnoh, and that would mean a very long time flying through the cold December sky. Secondly, I would have to be in contact with the other Legendaries, who are unstable at the best of times. Thirdly, I hate shopping. I would find it extremely unpleasant to have to find a present for Deoxys. Fourthly, it would distract me from my work. And finally," he concluded, "if you think the party will be fun, it will almost certainly be a living hell for me."
Mew's head fell, defeated. "Well, if that's how you feel, I guess I can't make you-THINK FAST!" Without warning (except for the "THINK FAST!" of course), Mew pulled a small orange berry from apparently nowhere. With the skill of a Major League baseball pitcher, he chucked the berry into Mewtwo's mouth, hanging open out of pure shock.
Mewtwo grimaced in disgust as he tasted what Mew had clandestinely made him eat. "Eugh, sweet. What did you just throw at me-wait, what are you doing with my computer?"
Indeed, Mew had drifted over to Mewtwo's desktop and was tapping at keys like a four-year-old who'd never seen a computer before. "I'm going to find something here that I can blackmail you with." Mew didn't turn away from the screen even to see the hilarious panicked look Mewtwo had found himself the owner of. "This party is a once in a century event, and I'm not going to let you miss it. You're welcome to try and stop me."
"I will." Mewtwo again took on the air of command he was accustomed to. Parties he was confused by; he was on much surer ground when it came to fights. Without even thinking, a Shadow Ball formed between his hands, primed to incinerate the computer, Mew, and everything else in its path. At least, it was supposed to. What it actually did was spontaneously explode in Mewtwo's face, hurling him into a cave wall. He was unconscious before he hit the ground.
Bob the Pidgey flinched in terror at the second explosion he'd seen in the last five minutes. He hopped over to the Legendary's comatose form, giving him a poke with his wing. "Why did that happen?"
"Mago berry," Mew responded from the computer desk without looking up. "I had to bring it all the way from Johto. It causes confusion if you don't like sweet food." "So M-Mewtwo ate it, didn't like it, g-got confused, and blew himself up?" "Yep. Pretty clever, huh?" If Mew's hands were not occupied with the keyboard, he would probably pat himself on the back. "Um, will he b-be okay?" "Oh, he'll be fine," Mew said with disturbing nonchalance.
Mew's good mood didn't last long. His fumbling with Mewtwo's computer became more and more erratic as he became irritated with the constant security checks and firewalls. "Well, this is a waste of time," he sighed, stepping back from the desktop, defeated. "He has too many passwords and I'm not a leet enough haxxor."
As his eyes drifted to Mewtwo, he got an idea. An awful idea. Mew got a wonderful, awful idea.
"I think I know how to blackmail Mewtwo into going to the party without his computer. And you're going to help me," he said, pointing at Bob. He flinched away from the finger as if it might go off.
"Wh-What do I have to to do?" "Just use this," Mew chuckled, tossing the pigeon a camera which wasn't there a minute ago. "H-How do you get this stuff?" "I've got a stockpile of junk stashed somewhere. I Teleport in what I need in any given situation. Including…" he said, as a flash of light filled the cavern, "this!"
The Pidgey cowered when he saw the horrible thing Mew had summoned forth. The adorable pink kitten stood over Mewtwo's unconscious body, holding the wretched instrument of destruction and grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "My nephew Mewtwo may not be my Secret Santa, but he's about to give me the greatest gift of all; something really, really funny!"
A.N. What is Mew going to do to Mewtwo? Whatever it is, it'll probably be embarrassing. Oh well, 'tis the season! Read, review, wait eagerly for the next chapter, and be merry!