A/N: Hello there! This is my piece for the second day of TodoDeku Week 2018, insecurities. I liked the quote that was also associated with Day 2 ("It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." ~Lewis Carroll) so I wanted to make a story reflecting that a bit. Also lots of reference to dust (tb to Golden Compass lmao haha). Anyway, I hope you like this short fic!
Ching-a-ling.
A small bell chimed as Todoroki pushed open the door. A cool rush of air welcomed him as the door fell shut.
It was three o'clock, Wednesday. Soft shafts of afternoon light washed along the spines of the used books lining the walls, the air itself sparkling with tiny particles of dust. As Todoroki carefully stepped around a small pile of novels stacked on the carpet, he took a deep breath. His shoulders sagged. In a discrete corner at the end of the used bookstore, the boy let his handbag drop listlessly as he practically collapsed.
God, that was... bad. Really bad.
I should have known she wouldn't get better, even the doctors said they didn't know whether her mental state would regress.
Damn, as if you were forgiven. As if you could be forgiven.
Todoroki curled in on himself and gripped the hems of his shirt.
"Shouto… "
His mother had taken one look at him and suddenly she was sobbing, screaming, shaking in her hospital bed. The sounds ricocheted off the plastic, white walls and he could only stare and stare and stare, staring at this person who used to be his mother, staring at this person who used to gather him in her arms when his shit of a father kicked him senseless, staring open-mouthed until the nurses promptly shoved him outside and slammed the door shut.
He stood in the hallway in ringing silence, frozen in place as though his mother herself had iced him there.
It was a harsh reminder that past sins are never forgotten.
Words of forgiveness aren't really for the ones who hurt the other person anyway, Todoroki thought dimly. The thought lay heavily in his head though, and the towering columns of books from the ground seemed to start to sway. Nausea roiled in Todoroki's gut.
He stuck his head back into the crook of his arms, taking deep shudders of breaths. You already knew this. You already knew this. You already knew this, it's your own fault for thinking you deserve any better.
No one even wanted you for your being when you were born.
You-
Todoroki's thought process paused as his ears pricked up. There was no one else in the same lane but on the other side… Todoroki didn't raise his eyes, but he'd recognize that voice anywhere. Or rather, those mumbles.
"-oh I see, it really is intriguing how even a Quirk that's not particularly strong can be considered a stable part of the Quirk factor, oh interesting, this martial arts form can also- hmm-"
Todoroki peered gingerly through the stacks.
His back was facing Todoroki, but the crooked shoulder, the small stature, the tufts of forest green hair: it was unmistakable.
"... Midoriya?"
Todoroki blinked in surprise at how diminutive and husky his own voice sounded. But it was too late to take back as Midoriya turned around.
Todoroki's breath caught. The sunlight shone on the green-haired boy, transforming his normally darker hair into a bright green with alternating blue-green shadows and shamrock green streaks. His eyes sparkled with hints of burnt gold.
"Who… Todoroki-kun?" Midoriya spun around in a circle. "I can hear your voice but I can't see you?"
Todoroki cleared his throat. "Down. I'm sitting down."
"Oh. Oh!" Midoriya squatted down so fast, Todoroki nearly jumped at how close the other boy's face suddenly was across the bookcase. His shaking heart electrified into racing at the speed of light.
"Wow, Todoroki-kun I didn't know you come to this bookstore too!" Midoriya grinned, tipping his head to one side. Todoroki quashed his hand and the urge to touch the fluffy hair.
"Yeah." Damn it, stop sounding so breathy, you're so obvious, he seethed internally. He could already feel his right side growing hot even as he was struggling to freeze his body back down. I have to stop, gotta stop- Think of nothing, think of nothing, plain, white, nothing, like a white wall, like the one you just saw in the hospita-
The air in the bookstore plummeted so fast a wind kicked up around him, shuddering through sheets of paper and whiplashing them. Whole paperbacks pumped into the air with a maelstrom of dust as several hardbacks were knocked down.
Shit, not like that, what are you five, get a grip, get a grip, shit shit shit-
"To… Todoroki-kun, was that you?"
Now his left side was almost burning with freezing cold but his right side was still stubbornly hot. Cold, it has to be cold, everything needs to be cold, no one needs to know-
"No, of course not," he said through gritted teeth. Nice, very convincing, a voice smirked at him.
Only cold enough that no one will talk about it, that no one will notice, not warm but just cool, cold enough that no one can come close and lukewarm enough to stay alive-
Todoroki couldn't hear Midoriya reply through a growing, thundering headache in his skull. He clenched his hand on the shelf so hard he felt a crack reverberate through it. His body had never felt so contradictory, so wrong, like this in his entire life. He felt like he was being dunked in ice water while having a dizzying fever. It took him a while before he could even recognize his own voice mumbling, "Make it stop-"
"Todoroki-kun!"
Todoroki flinched and jerked his head up before Midoriya crashed into him. The wind knocked out of him before Todoroki managed to wheeze weakly.
"Mido… riya… "
Todoroki swallowed with difficulty as he felt Midoriya holding him tightly, so tightly he could barely gasp out his name. His right side began to heat up again. God no, stop, stop, I hate this body make it stop, someone-
"Ssh… "
Todoroki felt the rod of pain through his head pause. Even his temperature wavered. A hesitant hand lightly, almost so like the shadow of heather, touched the back of his head. Todoroki felt fingers carefully, gently, run through his hair even as Midoriya's grip remained locked.
Stop… stop it already…
'Sir, he's only five!'
'Only? He's already five!'
Slap, scream. Rinse, repeat.
'Sshh, Shouto, it's okay now, sshhhh…'
Todoroki swallowed down a sob and laid his head down on Midoriya's slender shoulder.
They sat like that, wordless, for a long time, so long that Todoroki wondered if Midoriya had fallen asleep at one point. His own back was nearly numb, but the frost on his left shoulder had melted away. I wonder if I should try to move and see if he lets go. But in the end, Todoroki remained exactly where he was, breathing as Midoriya's shoulders rose and fell with him. He watched the dust slowly spiral back into its usual stream along the rays of light. Several books were splayed open, their pages trembling in invisible strands of wind.
"Todoroki-kun."
Todoroki felt his back straighten. "... yeah…?"
Midoriya paused. Todoroki could practically hear the whirring and thinking in the green-haired boy's head.
"... I don't want to speak out of my place," he began slowly.
"You already did that at the Sports Festival," Todoroki pointed out. Even though he couldn't see the freckled boy's expression, for some reason Todoroki felt that he smiled. His own mouth quirked upward.
"I guess that's true. Well, what I want to say is… uh… "
Todoroki waited patiently. He heard Midoriya swallow right by his ear and felt a shiver run down his spine.
"Well… you're your own person. And… it's okay if you feel pain. Or happiness. Or anger. Or anything." Midoriya gave a small gasp and quickly added, "Of course you know this already though, I'm sorry, that must have sounded really condescending didn't it."
Todoroki looked straight ahead, his eyes running over the books. "No," he said quietly. "I- no. It's… important."
"... My mother. Her mental condition… it got worse. When I visited. Right when I visited. Today."
His shirt felt tighter as Midoriya gripped it.
"I… thought she was healthy. I thought she had already gotten better when really, those days when I visited were just the anomaly. In reality, she… the, the crying and yelling from today, she must have suppressed them whenever I had visited before." Todoroki gave a brittle laugh. "She said she forgave me but I had assumed that I was absolved from… being the son I was… the scum that made her suffer, trapped her in a hospital, made my- made Endeavor hurt her… "
Why am I even saying this, even Midoriya has a limit to the amount of insanity I'm saying. "Sometimes, there's a part of me… that, that thinks about all the things that would- or more importantly, wouldn't- have happened if I wasn't born. How much better-"
Before Todoroki could even blink, Midoriya shoved Todoroki back so that they were face to face.
"Don't!"
They stared at each other with bated breath, both feeling the feverish tension sparking.
Midoriya moved first, roughly brushing away the tears before returning with a glare filled with so much fury Todoroki thought he would be paralyzed. "If, if there's really someone like that inside you that says that Todoroki-kun… I'll… I'll kill him," Midoriya spat, and Todoroki saw something for a split second that he thought he would never see on the usually so sunny, usually so kind, face.
No… no, nonono I- don't become like this for me- Todoroki felt his tongue tied as he realized he blurted those words aloud.
"Then... then please… " And just as fast as it had come on, the anger quickly washed from Midoriya. His shoulders caved in and he looked down. "Todoroki-kun, I… I… Todoroki-kun… Todoroki-kun… "
His heart wrenched cruelly as Midoriya's hands began to shake along with his voice. "Please… don't go, please, I-I-I, I want you here. I… I think I-I might… I might… be… " Midoriya stared at Todoroki, the words stuck in his throat.
A pit of butterflies smushed inside Todoroki's stomach. His heart beat erratically, tripping over itself in pretzels.
Todoroki could imagine the comical stand-ups where the guy keeps on saying "Me? Do you mean me? Me me me?" repeating on replay in his mind. How? Someone like me? Midoriya is-?
No.
Someone like me, someone who could put such an expression on Midoriya of all people-
Never.
Do one good thing in your life at least. Trash.
"No. It can't happen." Todoroki rose to his feet, ignoring how gravelled his voice was or the sharp look of pain in Midoriya's eyes. It's for the best, you're better off with someone just as sunny, like Uraraka- "Thanks for earlier. I'm going home now, see you later at school." He made to walk forward.
"Are you serious about that." Todoroki froze, even as the chorus in his mind, the him who Midoriya wanted to kill, shrieked with the same shrillness his mother did today. Midoriya got to his feet and brushed off his dusty pants.
"If… If you actually don't like me in that way, then… I won't push you. I just… " Midoriya inhaled deeply before letting out a rattled sigh. "I need to hear you say it. Clearly. Or else I-I… I can't move on."
Todoroki turned around, and suddenly the slippery waters of time were tar and he was drenched in it. The floating, ethereal light now fading into dusk, the lengthening shadows of the books, the scent of paper, ink, and dust, all of the dust, the past hinging on the present, the tiny fragments that sparkled with the last of the light. The wide-eyed look of horror, of anticipation, of regret, and of sick, sick, sick…
Hope.
"I'm in love with you."
The words slipped out simply but so soft, like the worn leather of a dog-eared, well-loved book.
"Mom."
She turned around on her hospital bed. Todoroki stood by the doorway, his feet rooted in place.
"Shouto… " She stared down at her hands but her shoulders were shaking and tears were already rolling down her cheeks.
"Shouto, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I must have scared you the other day. I didn't mean to scare you, I wasn't angry at you just at myself and- I am… such… a horrible mother-"
"No." Todoroki's mother jerked her head up as Todoroki took a tiny step inside. He locked eyes with her. "That's not true. You were there when En-...when he hurt me. You always took care of me, even when he hurt you."
"I… the boiling water… "
Todoroki touched his scar lightly. "You weren't in the right mind. It's-..." He paused before continuing. "It's not your fault. I don't, and won't, ever blame you for it."
His mother blinked back more tears. She took a shaky breath, in and out, before finally managing a small smile. "Then do you think… Do you think that I, I;m allowed to love you? That I can… I can start to be… ?"
Todoroki coughed. "What are you saying, you're already Mom," he said brusquely, his face starting to blush, and her smile became warmer. "Also, um… I brought… the person… I, we were talking about." Todoroki nodded towards the door.
"Todoroki-kun told me you liked gardenias!" Midoriya peeked in, an uncertain grin to his face. "Um, I hope… you like these ones?"
His mother finally laughed through her tears.