Of Love and War
Stan Marsh and Wendy Testaburger are Soldiers of Love
My childhood was awesome. We were just kids, but we had everything figured out and kicked ass at it. We had friends, nice families, plenty of food, water, and money, we did what we wanted, and we felt safe. Some of us even had girlfriends (we dodged the "girls are gross" phase, too). We were all so sure life would always be like this, and for a long time, it was. Now, I don't know what the fuck we're doing. I don't know what's coming, what my friends are thinking, or even if we're friends certain days. Most of the time, though, I know Kyle and Kenny are still there for me.
Wendy's always been my anchor: She helps me remember what I'm doing, and I thank her for that every day, even if it's at the very end. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman's feelings about my relationship changed over time, but I think Kenny and Kyle are happy for us (Cartman's just weighed down by how freakin' jealous he is). I remember when we were kids, and I was so nervous around her I practically threw up before our first kiss. She was never afraid, though. Wendy's always been stronger than me: I realized that about two years ago. She was the only one of us brave enough to start the relationship, give the first kiss, and convince me to come back when I pussied out in sixth grade. I talked her into getting back together about 3 times, even though anyone else would've let me go. I remember what they said on Sons of Anarchy: "We're just better people when we're with the person we're supposed to be with." I like to believe that, but Wendy'd be fine without me. Holy shit, I sound like that bitch from Fifty Shades of Grey. Anyway, things are changing. It started out as a stupid rumor, but I'm starting to see it playing out. I asked Wendy about it, but she keeps telling me it's nothing. I trust her, but I feel like I fucked up somehow. Now she's hanging out with Token more and more. I'm not sure what I did, but things haven't been the same. This time, though, I'm not sure if I should try to fix things. Maybe it's time I let her go. That tears me up inside, though.
"Hey, Wendy?" Stan said, tapping his girlfriend on the shoulder as she put her books into her locker. Turning around, her long, raven-black hair twirling just in front of the young man's face, Wendy looked him in the eyes. "Hey, uh, do you wanna have lunch together today?"
"I would, Stan," the young woman answered, a hint of regret in her voice. "But I've gotta work on this project. Sorry, babe."
"It's okay," Stan replied, swallowing his disappointment and growing sense of rejection. "I'll call you tonight?"
"Sure," Wendy enthusiastically answered, closing her locker. "Love you." The young woman quickly kissed her boyfriend's lips, creating a brief popping sound, and walked off to class, giving Stan a wave goodbye. Stan faked a smile and returned the gesture, waiting until Wendy was out of sight to start digging into the situation again.
I love Stan. When we were kids, not that we're much different now, I had the biggest crush on him. I kept it a secret for years. What did I get out of that? Wasted time but maintaining my dignity. In some ways, I wish I could be like him: Shy enough to make a first impression, and genuine enough to have balls when he needed to. I've never really been like my friends. My relationship with Stan isn't an exception to that: I've done everything I could to make our relationship meaningful, like I see it. As I've grown, I've learned how to live life as an existentialist: To do the most meaningful things and have as many legitimate emotional experiences as possible. I've tried to incorporate that into our relationship. I feel stupid for that sometimes, but when we're together, I know it was all wonderful. It's brought us closer together, and I think Stan feels the same way about it. Nothing amounts to the fact that we really care about, trust, and love each other. So why do I keep avoiding him?
I never wanted to be what he hates: Someone who didn't have the balls or the decency to tell the truth, and shun them without explanation, justifying it all with "I didn't want to hurt your feelings", which is bullshit. The problem is, I don't know what's going on. I don't know why I feel what I do, or why I don't. When I was single, I had as much time as I needed to think and investigate myself and my feelings. I don't have that now. Stan's cool with anything I do, but I just don't feel right keeping him in the dark and waiting. He'd never do that to me. There's just too much noise in my head right now. This relationship means alot, though.
"I don't know what I'm doing," Stan confessed to his friends, his head sinking in his hands. Kenny and Kyle listened intently while Cartman played his hand-held. "I fucked up."
"What happened, exactly?" Kyle insisted, never one to take a matter like this at face value. Kenny added a muffled "yeah", feeling the same way as Kyle.
"I don't know," the black-haired young man answered. "I feel like I haven't been paying attention to…us for awhile now. I just figured we'd be together, so I stopped putting in the effort."
"Stan, you know I'm not an expert on any of this," Kyle began, his voice kind and clear of any condescendence. Cartman scoffed, catching the redhead's attention. "Shut up, fatass," he snapped before turning back to Stan and calming. "But I don't think a relationship is something you need to really…I don't know, try for. I mean, you two know how you feel about each other, and you've both been through alot."
"Just tell her how you feel," Kenny muffled through his hood, his arms open. "She'll understand."
"I think Kenny and Jew-boy are right," Eric added, setting down GTA Online and moving closer to his friends. "No sense kicking yourself for no reason. Maybe you should be kicking her." A moment of awkward silence passed by as the group digested Eric's suggestion.
"…Thanks, Cartman," Stan plainly replied. "Thanks Kyle, Kenny. I've…I just gotta think for awhile. I'll let you know if something changes." With that, the young man shuffled away, keeping his head half-dropped.
"I'm worried about him," Kenny confessed, looking at his friends. Kyle nodded his head in agreement.
"Why?" Cartman quickly replied. "Think he's gonna off himself? Should I have Butters keep an eye on him?"
"Hey, fellas," Butters happily greeted some of his best friends as he just happened to pass by.
"I think he'll be fine for now," Kyle answered, giving the blond boy a friendly wave. "Let's just be there for him if something goes wrong." Eric and Kenny agreed as the former returned to his game.
Sitting alone in his bedroom, atop his sheets, Stan stared into space, his mind drifting away from his body. Everything was buzzing violently in his head, shutting out all outside noise. All the memories were flaring up: Their love, their passion: Longing, daring, dreaming: Long nights spent wide awake: Phone calls, whispers, dancing, salty kisses: They were all so fresh and close.
Resting her back against the small alcove around the windowsill, Wendy let her outstretched legs put her body into an "L" shape as she looked out over the snowy horizon framing the sunset. What happened? When did all this start? Why did all the wonderful memories have to turn into something so messed up: Like clockwork? How'd it all come down like this?
So much could go wrong, but the worst thing was not knowing. Not knowing came with silence, and the silence was unbearable. All our lives, they taught us trust, patience, faith, giving others time, and how to fight jealousy and paranoia. They never said it would be this hard, though. We're not on the same wavelength here.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Mister Stan Marsh!" The crowds cheered as the young man entered center stage. There were thousands present, but Stan only had eyes for Wendy.
"Thank you," the young man spoke into his microphone, taking a seat atop a tall metal chair. "Been feeling kind of…messed up, I guess. Maybe this can help me understand, and maybe help you understand me." Strumming his guitar, Stan glanced into the crowds and saw Wendy watching him intently. "I thought I was smart," he sang. "Thought I was right. I thought it better not to fight: I thought there was a virtue in always being cold. So it came time to fight: I thought, 'I'll just step aside' and that the time would prove you wrong."
"Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Wendy Testaburger!" Men, women, and children cheered and clapped loudly as the raven-haired young woman made her way to center stage, where the microphone awaited her. Stan was there in the stands that night, and his eyes were on her.
"Thank you," Wendy called out. "I've been going through some tough times lately. Not really sure what I'm feeling…Not really sure what anyone's feeling. I can't keep it all hidden inside. Maybe this can get the message out there." Picking up her wooden guitar, the young woman quickly tuned it, closed her eyes, and began her song: "Gonna burn the town…if you lie to me. You said it all. Oh baby, I was blind to see. Talk me down: I found my wings. A big, bad soul; some say that it's the end of me."
"But I don't know where the sunbeams end, the starlights begin: It's all a mystery," Stan sang on.
"And I tell myself it's not following me," Wendy continued. "Break me out of here, 'cuz it's blinding me."
Looking up from his guitar, Stan glanced over to see Wendy performing her own show. Turning to her boyfriend, Wendy continued strumming the instrument, donning a sweet smile on her face. Unable to remain strong, Stan smiled back like a child. Grabbing their microphones, their guitars still strapped around their shoulders, the two moved closer to one another and began playing anew. "Billy-Ray was a preacher's son," Wendy began, her body warmed and her smile strong. "When his daddy would visit, he'd come along. When they'd gather 'round and starting talking…" Turning the song over to Stan, Wendy looked over at him lovingly. "Cousin Billy would take me walking," he joyfully continued, smiling back at his girlfriend. "Through the back yard we'd go walking. Then he'd look into my eyes; Lord knows my surprise…" Facing one another, Stan and Wendy played harder, their hearts beating fast. "That the only one who could ever reach me…Was the son of a preacher man," Stan and Wendy sang in harmony, causing the audience to roar with applause. "Oh," Stan mused. "Being good isn't always easy." The crowds cheered. "No matter how hard I tried," Wendy sang. As the two sang on, their smiles growing, they moved closer and kissed, turning the applause to thunder as their love became the lightning.
Opening his eyes, Stan found himself alone, as did Wendy. It wasn't enough to leave things to chance: Their bond was strong and would endure. They had faith and trust in one another, but now was the time to act. Now was the time to become soldiers: Soldiers of Love. All it took was one phone call, and for Stan to answer it. Token was just there to help Wendy get her thoughts organized, just like Kyle, Kenny, and (kind of) Eric for Stan. It would take time to find out what the lovers had going on in their own heads, but time has always been limitless when it comes to love.
"Hey, Wendy," Stan spoke into the phone.
"Yes, Stan," Wendy answered.
"I love you," the young man boldly confessed.
"I love you, too," the young woman bravely confessed.