This was originally a three-part story that turned into a one-shot. I have a thing for tortured pasts, I know.
Anyway, this story is for all the Finchel fans out there, the ones holding on to hope. I love you all and sincerely hope this story brightens your day.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
She doesn't need to be here.
It's ironic, really, that they make you go to a support group. Isn't the point to attend out of your own volition? Not that she needs help. She doesn't.
All she needs is never to talk about what happened for as long as she lives.
But that's not possible, is it? No, because apparently the law can make you go to these things. So, really, there's no way out.
That's why she's sitting in this big, empty room in a circle, surrounded by strangers. The group leader isn't here yet, so it's just awkward shuffling and avoiding gazes. She wonders how these things even work when the set-up is just so intimidating. Aren't they supposed to feel comfortable?
"I'm here everybody, I'm sorry I'm late!" pipes Dr. Pillsbury, flustered. Honestly, the doctor seems like she needs therapy herself, not be leading one.
Everyone waits in silence as she's supposed to introduce herself. She's done this a million times, she's a star. An audience is nothing to deter her, but she just can't speak. Her eyes scan the room, going over many uninterested gazes. They look like they can care less who she is, except for one. One set of eyes looks at her warmly, almost reassuringly and she feels her confidence bubbling inside.
"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry." Dr. Pillsbury did tell her she was free not to share if she didn't want to. She knew she had to, at some point, but not just yet.
She thinks a coffee break in a support group is probably the stupidest idea ever. Why would you interrupt supposedly important work for cheap beverages? She is tired though.
She always is. It's difficult to sleep when the nightmares haunt you.
The worst one of all is being awake.
She walks timidly to the table, her gaze on the floor. She doesn't want to make eye contact. Before she knows it, she bumps into something solid.
And warm.
"I'm sorry, I guess I didn't see you there." It's him, the guy with the kind eyes. His lip is quirked upwards.
"No, no. I… It's me who bumped into you. Sorry." Her skin heats up in embarrassment from just being looked at. She wanted to pass through invisible; it was hard when she didn't.
"Rachel, right?"
She nods.
"I'm Finn. Finn Hudson. Nice to meet you." His hand is out, so big and friendly. She grabs it, just his index finger, like avoiding being trapped in the hand. The contact is brief.
She walks past him, never making eye contact.
The next meeting Finn sits next to her. She wonders whether it has anything to do with her. She figures it probably doesn't.
They're both silent during the whole meet, just listening to everyone else. During the coffee break, he stands. She doesn't want to, she just wants to be alone.
He comes back with a coffee for her. He gives it to her wordlessly, she smiles returning the silence.
She decides she doesn't hate Finn. He understands. He knows just how peaceful silence can be.
She doesn't mind, not having a leading or supporting role for NYADA's winter play. Sure, she's only a sophomore so it wasn't a real probability anyway.
She won't admit she didn't even try.
The chorus is a fine place. It's crowded. Most importantly, it's not the spotlight.
She hates the spotlight.
One day, this beautiful blonde girl arrives to the group. Rachel's sure her looks should be adorning a screen, not anywhere near here.
Her name is Quinn and apparently, she has a lot of anger. The poor girl can't get over the fact she gave her baby up for adoption, even if she knows it was the best thing to do.
That struck a chord. Rachel wonders whether her mother ever went to one of these groups, seeking comfort from her loss. She wonders if Shelby ever even looked back, for a fraction of a second.
"Are you okay?" Finn asks. During the break she stepped outside for fresh air. The back of her eyes felt suspiciously warm and stingy, she needed to collect herself.
"Why do you ask?"
"You looked sad. And… well, I'm always hoping to see you smile. Not frown." His sweet concern caused her lips to curl upwards. Finn was a good guy, clearly. For the first time, she wondered why he was here.
"Thanks, I'm fine." She doesn't want to be rude, not to this guy. It was just that she wasn't into talking to people in general.
People can be really evil.
She decides to speak up for the first time. Honestly, things are getting out of control and she's afraid of what that might mean.
"Sometimes, I'm scared I can't hold everything together. I feel like I'm trying to cup water in my hands, only for it to fall right between them." It's a dramatic statement but so is she.
Or, she used to be.
Dr. Pillsbury starts getting everyone engaged, sharing stories of what they did just to cope a bit more. It's less scary; to know other people are hanging on a thread too.
It also helps that Finn squeezes her arm briefly, imperceptibly so, in show of support.
She might start to get why she was forced to come. She still doesn't think she needs help.
It's the holidays and her daddies come over. She can tell from their frowns and hushed conversations they're worried about her. They shouldn't be; she's still top of her class and in the musical. She's fine; the world needs to stop telling her otherwise.
It is comforting to have them in her apartment. She can sleep for over five hours since it all began. Being made breakfast also has its perks.
They ask if they can come to her rehearsals. She says they're closed. They're not really, but she can't break their hearts any more when they realize how small her role is.
They leave after three days. She feels emptier than she ever did before.
She realizes it's been ages since she talked to another human being for more than forty seconds. Back in high school, being lonely was her one burden. When did it become something she didn't notice?
She comes to the conclusion she needs to talk to someone. Not in a deep, meaningful way. Literally hold a conversation or she'll probably go crazy.
The problem is she doesn't have friends. She used to, but pushed them away long ago. She doesn't even have acquaintances she could call with the excuse to catch up.
The only one person friendly to her is Finn.
"Do you feel like a real coffee after this? With me, that is?" he asks and it's like he read her mind. She was going to ask him the same, as soon as she got the courage, of course.
"I'd love to."
They're sitting across each other, not having said a word since deciding upon a quaint coffee shop. She can't believe she never saw it before. They offer caramel honey tea and she's in heaven.
"So, what do you do?" he asks and she can tell it's with earnest interest, not just to break the silence.
She tells him she's at NYADA and he's clearly impressed. He's studying percussion at NYU and says his brother goes to NYADA too.
"Well, step-brother. Kurt Hummel, do you know him?"
Oh boy does she. Her heart hammers wildly against her chest and no this isn't happening I'm not having a panic-attack.
But she does. Her eyes go wide, her color drains and each breath becomes a struggle. Before she knows it, Finn is by her side, helping her to calm down. He grabs her hand and puts it against his chest, his own hand against her ribcage. He breathes in and out and she knows what he's doing, so she repeats his actions.
After five minutes, she regains the ability to speak. Or, she would, if she weren't so embarrassed.
He leads her out of the shop into a small park nearby.
"Are you ok? What… what happened in there?" he breaks the silence, clearly freaked.
She wants to run, bolt on this sweet guy but that would be unfair. She just scared the living daylights out of him.
"I… your brother. Yes, I know him. He's the one that… found me, after what happened to me."
"Shh. It's okay, you don't have to tell me anything. And, I promise you I'm never going to ask Kurt. If and when you tell me, it's because you trust me."
Those are the sweetest words anyone has ever said to her. She nods in appreciation. She has to go, but promises a makeover session after their next therapy group.
"Better yet, how about you give me your phone number?"
Texting Finn is, by far, the funniest parts of her days. He just has this way of looking at the world, like he takes it at face value so he gets totally confused when something happens.
Like the fact he thought he could wash his whites with colored clothes, as long as they weren't red. She still has the picture of his stained socks.
It's only been three days but she doesn't feel so lonely anymore. It's not like they text all the time, just random comments here and there. Still, it's something.
She doesn't even hesitate to agree when he asks her to come help him practice a song for some class. He claims he wants to see how it would go with a voice over it, but doesn't know enough people in his class who sing.
She's never given much thought to the drums. Yes, she always demanded beats to be perfect. After all, if they were not they could affect their vocal performance. But, considering the drums as their own? No, she hadn't thought about it.
Finn put an end to that. He was just so skilled and at ease when he drummed. A true artist. He even seemed perfectly in synch with her voice, despite her adding random changes without a moments notice.
"Rachel, your voice is amazing." He says after a while. She knows, but she appreciates the compliment anyway.
"You're very talented too, you know?" she replies and he gives her this goofy, adorable grin.
She's surprised she's sad the evening is over, even if he does walk her to her apartment.
They're becoming close friends and for a moment there, she thinks things might be fine.
Her world crashes down when, in her regular check-up, it turns out she contracted a disease from that fateful night. She had been checked before, but the doctor says sometimes they take a while to appear.
It's nothing fatal. In fact, one pill and the problem should be gone.
It's more the fact he wasn't done spoiling her, tainting her to her very blood.
She doesn't go to the support group. She turns off her phone.
She can't deal with this anymore.
She's standing in front of her mirror, looking at herself in sheer disgust.
The blade feels so cold against her skin. She doesn't want to kill herself, just bleed a bit. She hates her own blood now. Months ago she would have thought this behavior to be completely unjustified and juvenile.
Now she figures there's a reason why people do this. Maybe it feels good.
It doesn't, she only feels ashamed.
She doesn't have time to clean herself because her door starts banging thunderously. She's so scared of who it might be on the other side. It flies open to reveal a flustered Finn.
Her surprise can barely register as his eyes rake all over her and she knows he can see the trails of blood flowing down her legs.
"Rachel." He whispers. He looks so broken, so sad. He shouldn't, it's not like he did this. He goes up to her and holds her in his arms.
She bursts like a dam against his chest. She feels sorry for herself and so, so disgusting. Why did he have to come by?
He allows her to go into the bathroom to clean up but tells her to leave the door open. Normally, she would question who he thinks he is for telling her what to do in her own apartment. She doesn't have enough will power to do so, so she just nods dumbly along.
When she's done she returns to see him on the couch, his eyes alert for his return. In two gigantic steps he's around her again, enveloping in his arms.
"That's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. Don't ever do that again."
"Why?"
"Because you're too good to leave."
"Can I ask why?"
They've been sitting next to each other, just processing everything of the night.
"Because I'm disgusting."
He doesn't say anything, doesn't even react. He just grabs her hand and stays sitting. He stays sitting with her all night, until she has to go to class. He even walks her to campus, talking about the stupidest topics.
It works, she cracks a smile. He feels like won the lottery.
He knocks on her door that very night and she wonders if he forgot something.
He says he did and asks her to hear him out. She agrees, not expecting him to take off the sweater he's wearing. She's scared for a moment, until she realizes he's wearing an undershirt.
"Come close, I won't attack you."
She shuffles closer to him, intrigued as to what the hell he's doing. Then she sees them, small track marks on his arms.
"We all have scars Rachel, but we have to live with them. Come here."
He guides her to her mirror.
"Look at you. How can you say you're disgusting? You know what I see?"
"what?"
"Our very sun, contained in a mini-sized goddess. You're so beautiful, with your long hair… and look at your eyes. They're big and shiny and they show how amazing you're inside. And your voice? I am certain you'll be a star one day. The scars on your thighs, like the ones on my arms, are just the past."
Her tears swim. She doesn't feel beautiful but she doesn't want to suffocate the girl in the mirror anymore.
"You're beautiful too, Finn Hudson."
Finn's turned into being not only her best friend, but also her rock. In turn, she likes to think she's his support system too. Neither of them revealed exactly what fucked them up, though the hints were here and there.
It doesn't matter. What matters is that they get each other.
He goes to her show and tells her she's the best singing peasant he's ever seen. She goes to see him play drums for a recital and tells him he stole the show.
The support group idea is stupid, but a support person is quite wonderful.
He asks her to do something with him during spring break. They're both low on funds, so they're staying in their dorms. They decide to go on a small road trip together, to Boston and back.
To save money, they sleep in his truck. It's not as uncomfortable as one would think. She's small enough to sleep on the seat and he finds a way to sleep well in the bed of his truck.
The first night she leaves her makeshift bed and climbs into the truck with him. He's already asleep and she's been restless for the better part of an hour. She only intends to sit there with him for a while, then go back to sleep.
She wakes up next to him. He doesn't comment on it, merely asks if she wants some water.
He's the best travel companion she ever imagined.
On day three they stop in some quaint old town with a harbor. He insists they go the peer and get some ice-cream.
They end up soaking their feet in the waves, kicking the water into each other's faces while trying to finish their ice-creams. She doesn't get to accomplish that, since Finn carries her straight into the deep water and dunks her.
She shrieks loudly, thankful neither of them had anything of value on them. Luckily she's wearing shorts and a black tank top, so nothing is translucent either.
She gets her revenge by jumping on his back. Her legs latch around his waist, her arms in a vice around his neck. Her momentum causes him to stumble and land face-first into the water. She gets off him triumphantly, waiting for him to come out for air.
"I hadn't finished my ice-cream!"
"Neither had I!" she pokes her tongue out at him and darts towards the beach. Finn is hot on her heels, managing to grab her waist when she's a couple of miles off the shore. She falls against him laughing, twisting around to face him.
His face is a couple of centimeters from hers. She can see water dropping gently off his nose, his hair sticking out in all directions. He's wearing a victorious smirk.
"I got you." He whispers and she can feel his breath, still cold from the ice-cream, tickle against her own mouth. She feels a bolt of electricity charging somewhere deep within her.
Before she knows it, their lips meet. Neither of them deepens the kiss. Their lips just rest against each others, trembling slightly at the touch.
She runs away.
He finds her sitting on the bed of his truck, completely soaked in water and tears.
"Rach, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-"
"Finn. Stop. It's ok… it's me who should apologize."
"What?"
"I hadn't realized you… you felt that way about me. I'm sorry if I led you on. I… I can't do this. Not now, not ever. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested."
She can't read him for once. She doesn't know if he's hurt, or offended or angry.
"It was just a moment thing. Forget about it, please. I don't want to lose you." He replies desperately.
She decides not to dwell on it if he's willing to ignore it too. After all, Finn is her only friend and she doesn't want to lose him either.
She's amazed at the fact it's not awkward after the awkward kiss. She had been afraid they wouldn't move past it, but within hour they were laughing together again.
He was right; it had been a moment thing.
The fact it had been amazing meant nothing.
Not counting the kiss that never happened, their road trip is a complete success. They simply spent a week going from small town to small town, enjoying each other's company. Returning to New York is almost dreadful but they know they have each other, so it will be fine.
One day she calls him to ask whether he felt like a movie. He gave some pretty lame excuse and she felt something twist in her stomach. Some form of instinct told her there was something wrong with Finn. It sounded completely paranoid but she wasn't one to question her instincts.
She got dressed and headed to his apartment, walking the twenty minute distance.
They had given each other their spare keys, just in case they got locked out or something. She went up his building and unlocked the door.
Before her she saw something she never wanted to even imagine. Finn was sitting on his couch, a black eye marring his beautiful face and blood pouring down his nose.
He didn't even hear her come in until she calls out his name.
Whenever she's been in pain, he's never asked her or pressed her about it. She admires him now because even though she respects his privacy she's dying to know how he got beaten into a pulp.
She doesn't ask though, simply continues to clean his wounds, making sure he's fine. He lets her fret about him silently, staring intently at her face.
"I'm sorry Rach, I hate that you're seeing me like this."
"Is this why you blew me off today?"
"Yeah, I was hoping to see you when this stuff healed."
"Finn Hudson, look at me." She tilts his head up and he looks at her like his puppy just died "Please, don't ever be ashamed to be you are. Especially in front of me, I would never judge you. No matter what"
"Really?" and he looks like a kid who just got told he was loved for the first time.
"Absolutely."
She becomes, to her insistence, his nurse while he's recovering. He didn't break anything, but his eye his swollen shut so he can't move around that efficiently. He jokes it's a good thing he can drum without seeing.
Turns out his wounds are a result of a senseless fight with some guy at a bar. She knows he has a temper, but didn't expect that.
"You should see the other guy" he tries.
She doesn't find it funny but keeps on helping him with cooking his meals for a couple of days. He insists he can take care of himself but she knows that means he can make noodles and she refuses to allow his diet to become so horrid.
The nights she cooks she stays over, to his insistence that she shouldn't be walking alone at night. His couch is huge, so at least she finds comfort in the fact he's allowing her to stay on it rather than giving her his bed. He needs to be comfortable, screw his gentlemanly intentions.
"You know, you look… different."
It's the morning of day four in Finn's apartment and she's packing her bags to go back to her own. He can already see and his knuckles aren't sore anymore, so he can get around.
"It's the lack of bags under my eyes. It's the first time in a year I've slept eight hours every night." She remarks off-handedly
"Really? What changed?"
She doesn't know what to answer, but she has to go with the one variable that changed.
"…I was here, and… I don't know, I felt safe."
She didn't think much of her comment. It was a passing remark, an observation casually made. She had almost forgotten about it until it came back to her in the most unexpected fashion.
Finn had won some talent show his school put on and the prize was two tickets to Wicked. When he asked her to go with him, she almost fainted from excitement.
She asked him if he was sure. Wouldn't he rather go with someone else?
"You're the only one I want to go to Broadway with."
If that was the case, who was she to object? She dressed up for the evening, with a cream baby pink dress and sparkly silver shoes. She curled the ends of her hair, applied a smoky-eye effect and some blush. She finished off her look with vibrant cherry lipstick and a small, star necklace.
She was about to change, thinking she looked silly when Finn knocked. Much to her delight, he was wearing a suit. She wasn't blind, she could see how devastatingly handsome he looked.
So handsome her knees went weak when he greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.
Wicked was amazing and she was in paradise every second of it. Slowly, the burn for stardom which had already extinguished started blazing again in her soul.
"If I knew you'd look so happy, I would've taken you to Broadway ages ago." He comments. It's odd, to agree with him. Not about the coming before, but on the fact she's happy.
Right now she is. It's a true miracle.
The miracle only expands when he surprises her with dinner at Sardi's. He says it's to celebrate the end of the school year, which is fast approaching.
It takes her by complete surprise when he gets super serious.
"Rach… you said you felt safe with me. And, that means a lot, you know?"
"Finn, I-"
"Did you know I also feel safe with you? Not like you're going to defend me from anything… I just… don't feel scared around you. And I was thinking… what would you say about moving together? Let's face it, we could have a better apartment, pay less… we get along great and we just… I don't know, help each other."
She's afraid it might complicate their friendship. What if he realizes just how annoying she really is while living together? What if they get sick of each other? Who could help them then?
Her doubts are silenced by the fact it's Finn and he's safe and amazing.
"I say that after dinner we should go to my place to start apartment hunting."
After searching for weeks they find the perfect place. It's a small two-bedroom apartment with a tiny living room. It has a kitchen and the best part is that it has two bathrooms. They would both benefit from the rent and it's mid-way between both their universities.
They just need to look at each other to know that yes, they'll take it.
Living with Finn is surprisingly easy. Clearly his mom raised him well. He's very respectful, does the chores when he's supposed to and always cleans after himself. He doesn't have her neurotic levels of cleanliness but she's not delusional enough to expect that from anyone.
Their schedules don't conflict at all and they're usually home at the same time. They spend a lot of time watching movies, cooking and helping each other out with their homework. Slowly, she's gaining back her 'take no prisoners' attitude.
She almost manages to forget her issues. Until one day when Finn comes in looking apologetic so she knows whatever he's going to say is not good.
"Rach. I… look, Kurt wants to visit my new place. He… I kept my promise, I haven't mentioned you to him like, at all. I don't know what to do."
Her heart melts into a puddle of goo. She's terrified of facing Kurt in a private scenario but she can't in good conscience forbid her roommate's brother to come visit.
"It's fine Finn. Invite him over for dinner on Thursday? Just… tell him to pretend he hasn't met me."
"You're amazing."
She's a train wreck. She took the day off; she only had one class anyway. She cooked all day, slaving over dinner for tonight. It has to be perfect.
Maybe, if it's perfect enough, Kurt won't remember anything. Maybe, a casserole can be good enough to erase his look of sympathy.
Finn arrives with Kurt in tow. The first thing he does is go over her and hug her.
"He won't say a word." He whispers into her ear.
Kurt really manages to be nice. He doesn't pretend not to know her, simply treats her like an acquaintance. He gushes over the food and the decoration, remarking that for a girl who wears reindeer sweaters and a guy who uses puffy vests, it's a really nice place.
She laughs at his comment and just like that, the tension is erased. The evening turns into a complete success when Kurt tells stories about Finn in high school.
"Finn, you really didn't pray to a grilled cheese sandwich, did you?"
"I'm telling you, cheesus totally got my back."
"That was better than we he decided to walk down the hallways in his boxers" Kurt pipes in and she just can't help the tears of laughter that erupt from her eyes.
She leaves the stepbrothers alone but the walls are paper-thin. She loves it when she hears Kurt say "moving in with Rachel is the smartest thing you've ever done."
It means a lot. She hopes Finn knows he's also the best thing that ever happened to her.
She can finally stop going to the support group but decides to keep going anyway. Her and Finn have been sharing more of their feelings but not their stories. They're starting to feel comfortable in the group and she guesses it makes sense; after all, they have each other.
Summer arrives and they both decide to take summer courses. That way they can finish earlier or take easier loads during their upcoming semesters.
They're having dinner one common day when she lets out she's never been drunk before in her life. He asks whether she's willing to try and she doesn't see why not. She's twenty-one after all.
"Then, Rachel Berry, I'm getting you drunk." They toast with coke to that.
He keeps his promise and on Friday arrives with two tequila bottles and some stuff to mix them with. She watches him making cocktails and finds it hilarious he even got little umbrellas to decorate them with.
"To alcohol." He lifts his glass and they both take big gulps.
He watches her intently as her eyes light up.
"It tastes like pink!"
Three hours later and they're completely wasted. She's giggling upside down on the couch while he fails miserably to cut some cheese.
"Finn, if you can't cut that how are you going to protect me from dragons?"
"Because I'd have a sword for that Rach." He replies obviously and they both start laughing again.
"This is more fun than I thought. You're fun Finn, both of you."
She's seeing double. Not that she minds, because Finn is so handsome she loves seeing two of him. Two adorable smiles and four gorgeous dimples.
"You're fun too." He laughs, completely forgetting the cheese as he goes towards her. They sit together and he's so warm and fuzzy and there she just has to cuddle against his chest.
"You know I'd give anything for you to be mine, right?" he whispers in her ear and she pretends she doesn't hear him.
She pretends her heart doesn't double its pace.
"If that's bacon I'm smelling, I'm making a shrine for you." He walks into the kitchen. She's been up for hours, first nursing her headache and finally deciding to make an epic breakfast.
"Since it is, I hope my shrine is pink."
She serves him pancakes and bacon and a bit of hash brown. He looks at her like she hung the moon before stuffing his face.
"Holy crap babe, this is amazing." He doesn't notice his slip and she pretends she didn't hear him over the still sizzling frying pan.
Inside, she's scared. She's terrified that Finn has feelings for her, that she might be hurting him in her refusal, scared of everything changing.
Scared of her own feelings.
He comes back from practice with a bouquet of roses. For a moment she thinks they're just decoration, but he looks nervously at her.
"They're for you. Some guy on the street was selling them and they reminded me of you, 'cause they're really beautiful. So yeah…"
"They're lovely Finn, you shouldn't have. Can you hand me a bowl?" she knows her change of topic is mean but this boy needs to get a hint. He's her best friend, the most important thing in her life. He shouldn't mess with that.
"A bowl? Why?"
"To start cooking."
"Actually… remember that gig I had with that bar?"
"When you replaced their drummer for a week? Yeah."
"Paycheck just came in and I was wondering whether you wanted to go out? It'd be nice to, for a change."
She shouldn't say yes but the prospect of going out with him is just great. It's just a friendly dinner, right?
Except he takes her to this extremely intimate Italian restaurant, one with its own piano player. She pretends not to notice the only customers around her are couples, or that the music is so romantic. He pretends too, thankfully, their conversation flowing as it usually did.
They take a walk through central park after dinner and he buys her a balloon. She smiles at him and buys him a hot dog, even though they just ate he's always hungry and it makes it feel less like a date.
Because it isn't a date.
He stops her at bow bridge and grabs her hand.
"Can you feel that?"
He's talking about that surge of lighting that happens every time they touch. She pretends to not know what he's talking about.
"Don't give me that look. I know you can feel it Rach. You always blush when I touch you."
"I don't blush!"
"You do and it's adorable. You're just so… perfect, and beautiful… and kind. It's like you're an angel and I tried, okay? I tried to keep the distance… to just have you be my best friend. But I can't Rach because every single little piece of me is in love with you and I know you have feelings for me too."
Before she can process what he says, his lips kiss the corner of her mouth. She relaxes under his touch and his head moves a little, aligning his lips with her own. He cups her head with one hand, his other hand resting on her waist gently. She can only feel his lips slowly parting her, his smell, his body, his presence, his everything overwhelming her senses.
"Finn, don't, please-"
"Are you going to stand there and tell me you didn't feel that? Rach, please don't lie to me."
"I… did. It's not that you're not wonderful… it's just that… I can't be with you Finn."
"Why? Don't I deserve a chance? One chance Rachel and I promise you, my purpose in life will be to make you happy."
"I can't."
"I love you Rachel, why? Why would you refuse that?"
"Just leave it alone Finn! I can't!"
"Why?" he roars at me, anguish in his tone "I deserve a reason as to why the girl I love won't let me love her."
"Because I can't love you!" she shouts at him, turning on her heels.
He's still staring dumbly by the time she walks around the corner.
She knows she's being a coward but she can't face him right now. She packs a bag and calls her fathers, informing them she's going to spend a couple of days with them in New Jersey.
She packs so fast she worries she left an appliance on or something.
She's not completely heartless, she leaves him a note.
Quite simply, it says:
You can ask Kurt.
She's on her childhood bed and it feels just wrong. She remembers the person who used to sleep here and wonders if she'll ever be the same.
At night and without Finn around, her memories come back to haunt her with a vengeance.
She was a freshman in the greatest school of all, NYADA. Already her talent had risen to notoriety and her teachers loved her. Except Cassandra July, the woman always had a grudge against Rachel.
Thankfully, she had met Brody, an upperclassmen that took an immediate interest for her. He helped her a lot when it came to adapting to the school and its demands. Also, he was incredibly charming but she thought she needed to focus on her studies.
One day, he was helping her with a new dance move. His hands gripped her thighs, almost bruising her. She told him to ease up but he ignored her. He just held her closer, one hand moving up and down her body. She tried to fight him, thinking he was joking.
He really wasn't. He not only started forcing her, but he got some rope from somewhere and tied her to the horizontal pole that they used for stretches. He abused her, raped her, and touched her in her most private places. It all felt so wrong, so disgusting. His fists kept punching against her stomach, her ribs. Her nose bled too and the sick bastard just licked it off her face.
When Kurt came in to do some practice, he was greeted by the most horrific scene he would encounter in his life. Had he gotten there a couple of seconds later, she might have been dead from the pressure of Brody's hands against her neck. The pale boy let out a shrill, high-pitched scream that attracted many passerby's and a couple of professors.
She was covered immediately while Brody was detained, then arrested.
She hated the police, their need to ask everything more than once. She even hated the trial, or how the court had ordered she attend support group. The only saving grace of the whole process was that the scumbag was in jail and since he was interrupted, she didn't get pregnant.
She looks at the apartment door. She's done it a thousand, no, a million times. Put the key in and it's unlocked. The problem wasn't so much opening the door but who was behind it.
Finn Hudson.
She could hear him shuffling about, maybe studying or getting himself a drink.
She needed to confront him, didn't she?
She let herself in just when he was walking to the kitchen. He froze mid step and turned around, wide-eyed to look at her.
She had never seen him look so… defeated. His scruff was prominent, his hair messy, his eyes red and puffy… his shirt stained and his socks gray with dirt.
She knows before he says anything.
"So, Kurt told you." She deduces from the look of misery in his face.
"Yeah… I mean… you were gone… and I was going crazy with worry because I didn't know if you were safe and like, I had no clue what you meant when you rejected me and your note said I could… so yeah."
"It's ok Finn, I gave you permission."
"I'm… I'm sorry Rachel. When he told me I was so mad I considered breaking the law just saw I could go to the same prison as that guy and murder him with my own hands. Then I was just really heartbroken because who could hurt you? You're the most wonderful girl in the world and I'm sorry… I… will be out of your hair soon."
"What do you mean?"
"Rachel… I can't do this anymore. I love you, with all my heart and soul and I get now why you feel like you can't love me. The thing is, just because I understand it doesn't mean it isn't killing me inside."
"Don't leave. Don't leave me Finn, I need you."
"Give me a reason to stay."
She doesn't say anything. She just gawks at him and walks out the door. She scrambles through her contacts until she finds the one she wants.
"Kurt, can you meet me in campus in fifteen?"
They're not friends, never have been but he's the only one that knows about everything. About herself and Finn. He's the one, the only one, she can talk to even though it's unfair because he's Finn's brother so she shouldn't be putting him in the middle.
"What can I do for you Miss Berry?" he says as a greeting and she just mumbles something about getting coffee.
"Really Rachel, you called me in panic and now you've been quiet for ten minutes. What's going on? Did something happen to Finn?"
"He… loves me. He loves me Kurt."
"I could've told you that ages ago. You're both like a disgustingly cute married couple" He remarks snidely.
"I.. what? No. Kurt. It's a problem… I can't reciprocate."
"And pray tell me, why not?"
"You know exactly why, Kurt."
His eyes widen. "What does that have to do with anything?" the pale boy whispers, this time with more care than bite.
"How can I love someone when I'm so… tainted? Kurt, what he did to me… I'm scared of being touched, or even being looked at… I can't make a man happy and I'm just so messed up… no one deserves to be with someone who can't love them right. No one should have to carry the burden of my baggage."
Kurt takes a sip of his coffee while he digests her speech. She waits anxiously for an answer, any answer.
"You know what happened to Finn?"
She shakes her head.
"He told me it was fine to tell you when I called him."
"He knows we're here?"
"Of course, you called me so flustered I had to ask him what was going on. Anyway, Finn was what you'd call a happy jock. Until senior year, his life was perfect. He was popular and everyone knew he would get a football scholarship. I mean, he did lead the team thrice to a state championship. Then, on the same week mind you, his shoulder got dislocated and he found out his hero army father had really been a drug addict."
"Wow, that's awful."
"It gets worse; he got into such a funk he started hanging out with the wrong crowd. He started doing drugs, injecting himself, getting into fights… Finn always had a huge anger management problem that only got out of control after the events. He even punched my father once. You know those bruises he had a while ago? That's classic Finn. Eventually, his mom gave him an ultimatum. He got clean, got his GED and somehow into NYU, moved here and the rest, like they say, is history."
She sits there not believing her sweet Finn; the guy with the warmest amber eyes in the world had been so completely lost and hurt.
"So." Kurt spoke again "has your opinion of Finn changed? Do you think he's a piece of trash for his past?"
"Of course not! If anything it's only admirable how he overcame. Why would I possibly consider him trash?"
Kurt stands, looking triumphant. "Exactly. It's the same for Finn, he loves you for who you are, and he doesn't care about the past. If anything, he's in awe of you for managing to live after what happened. If you get to accept him, why doesn't he?"
She's unable to find a word in her vocabulary to answer because she knows there isn't an answer that justifies her attitude.
"One more thing, Rachel. However you dwell with the obvious denial you're in, be very careful. Finn is more fragile than he looks and I can tell he loves you like he's never loved anyone. If you break his heart… I'm scared for my brother."
He leaves. She called him to get some clarification. Instead, she's never been more conflicted.
She can't avoid him again. She just got back from avoiding him. She shouldn't avoid him. If there's one thing Kurt is right about is that Finn has feelings too and she shouldn't neglect them.
He's still in the apartment when she gets back. She can tell he shaved and showered. She looks at the sheer purity in his face and wonders how he could possibly have a dark past.
"Kurt told you, huh?" he asks and he's ashamed.
"Yeah…" she shrugs.
"You must think I'm pathetic." It's exactly what Kurt asked her and again, she's pretty sure she doesn't think that.
Actually, she thinks he's the most wonderful man she's met. She thinks he's so brave for overcoming his demons and not ending up like his father. She thinks he's much better than her, because he really pulled himself together.
"I still think you're beautiful, Finn Hudson."
He's looking at her and she's looking right back him. Their secrets are gone and their souls are bare. The elephant in the room is stomping wildly.
"You know… I'm terrified." She whispers.
"I would never hurt you, Rach."
"I know that… and I'm still scared. But… Finn, I… I love you too. I hope that's enough reason… for you to stay." She kisses his cheek and bolts to her room.
She's silent, waiting to hear the click of the door. She doesn't think it's enough but it is, he stays.
She doesn't know what it means, but it's out there now.
He honest-to-god woos her. Proper gentleman style.
He writes her a poem, even a song. He rubs her feet after a long day. He buys her flowers, takes her to dinner and shows. He even takes her to the love-tunnel in some amusement park and it's the cheesiest thing ever.
He doesn't pressure her and actually works his way to hold her hand. Sure, they hug all the time but it's different. It's new. And his hand feels warm and safe.
She remembers when they met, how hesitant she was to touch his hand. How could she be so stupid?
She lets all those feelings she buried deep under her soul come to the surface. It's not long before she realizes not only that she loves him, she always knew that, but that she actually feels safe with him.
She trusts him. Completely.
They graduate one week apart. Him first. She yells louder than his mom in the audience.
When she graduates, he surprises her with tickets to Cancun.
It's on a sandy beach, under the stars, she decides she's his. Always.
She shows him, between the sheets. She's never felt so safe, comfortable or sexy.
She likes it.
Their hearts are slowing down together when she finally admits she did need help. She still thinks the support group thing was a fiasco. It was Finn who rescued her, Finn who loved her enough to play on her own terms. They had helped each other and moved on.
Having conquered tragedy, pain, love and insecurity… Rachel Berry was sure Broadway was going to be a breeze.
As long as she had Finn by her side, she had all the help she would ever need.
So yes, she did need help after all.
Believe in tether. Until the next story :)