A/N: So I literally just finished The Tenth Planet a couple hours ago and had way too many feels. I knew I needed to let it out in writing fan fiction, and for some reason this was the idea that came into my head.
It's from the Doctor's POV (probably 10? I didn't really have a specific one in mind, but I've written him the most so I think the voice sounds most like him), obviously, and I would imagine he's writing in a journal of some sort. Kind of like "The Doctor's Diary" or something. It turned out sounding cooler than I thought, so I might do more of these in the future. Let me know what you think!
Like I said, I didn't write this to be from any specific Doctor's POV, so feel free to imagine whichever one you like (except for One, in which case that wouldn't really work). I wanted it to be open for imagination. :)
The first time was the worst, I remember. I didn't know Death like I do now.
Death's bitter taste has passed my lips all too many times, but back then it was only a myth to me. I was above Death. It couldn't touch me, for I ran from it as I did everything else.
It began slowly with little things. The toothache was the first time I noticed, I think. The first sign that my body was deteriorating. The wrinkles meant nothing; as a time lord, I could still be considered a young man with them.
Yes, the toothache was first awakening to my mortality. It did cause me pain, but I was mostly concerned with what the ailment meant. My wits were a bit scattered during that adventure in the Old West, and indeed I hardly even remember it now. Death was brushing me with its fingertips.
So I ran harder.
Yet, the more I ran, the more I felt my body decaying day by day. I had always known that one body couldn't last forever, but I didn't like change, and I wasn't ready for it.
I was no stranger to regeneration. They had talked through it in detail at the Academy, and I had even seen a handful happen firsthand. But I had never felt it. I didn't want to know what it was like to be in a different body, to have a completely new personality. I loved me, and I was determined to never let that change. (I was so stubborn and vain back then…)
Inside of me was a darker fear, a fear of tasting Death. I had been in its clutches many times, and I wasn't keen on knowing what it felt like to be devoured.
Though I would never have admitted it, I was afraid.
By the time I was in Antartica discovering the Tenth Planet, I knew there wasn't much time left. Again, that adventure is blurred in my mind. I was so preoccupied with my tired, weakening body that I was little to no help in the fight against the Cybermen. Ben, that brilliant boy, should have all the credit for that success.
When I passed out in that Antartica base, there was a fleeting moment when I thought my time had come. But then, even in unconsciousness I could feel that I was alive. Part of me had been disappointed, having hoped that death was just like falling asleep.
I woke up soon enough, only to find that my body felt even heavier than before. It took much effort to move. I could barely think at all, for fear preoccupied my entire brain.
Again, I was cheated when I passed out once more during my imprisonment in the Cybermen's ship. When I woke to the urging of Ben and Polly, I hardly knew who they were or where I was. My mind was in a full panic, for now I could just barely move my joints. I knew what was going to happen, and I didn't want anyone to see it. I was so vain back then, I didn't want to be seen at my weakest moment, not even by my closest friends. So I told them to stay put.
I think the last thing I said was something to Ben about the cold after he handed me my jacket. The last thing I ever said in that body.
My feet automatically wandered to the TARDIS. She didn't count as a friend; she was part of me, and I knew that my regeneration had to take place there. She was waiting for me when I walked in. She knew.
The time rotor began whirring and moving before I even touched the controls. However, I moved quickly, readying the TARDIS for flight. Where I was sending her, I don't know to this day.
It was a moment of madness. If you would have mentioned Ben and Polly to me, I wouldn't have known who they were. I was so stubborn about staying alive that I tried to do the impossible and fight my own body, thinking I could resist by sheer will.
Then there was a terrible moment when I realized that my body had already betrayed me. I could feel it shutting down slowly, but somehow my mind was more alert then ever. My fear heightened every sense.
I finally heard Ben and Polly banging on the doors. I swallowed hard, knowing that moving my arm to open the TARDIS doors would be the last thing I would ever do.
But I did it. During the whole time in that body, it was probably the most selfless thing I ever did.
I had heard humans talk about how their "life flashed before their eyes" before death and had dismissed it as foolishness. However, as I fell to the ground, I thought of my childhood, of my carefree days, of all the lonely nights and hideous nightmares. I thought of my wife and children. My stolen TARDIS. The Earth that I had found such a fascination with. Susan, my dear granddaughter. Ian and Barbara, the best and most loyal companions anyone could have asked for. Vicki and Stephen. Ben and Polly.
As footsteps rushed into the TARDIS, I hoped that Death would take me that second. I already knew that Ben and Polly would see me dead, but I didn't want them to see me scared. And in that moment, I was more scared than I had ever been in my life.
Death granted my wish. There was an agonizing second, suspended in time, when I felt my hearts stop beating. My whole body froze.
Then one heart began beating at a rapid pace. Then the other. I felt an intense burning all along my skin, enough that I would have cried out if not for the immense effort of opening my mouth. Fire ran through my veins, changing every cell inside of me.
The pain was more terrible than I could have ever imagined. It was like I was being ripped apart, like I was melting just as Mondas had only minutes ago. And yet, it seemed like days before it all stopped. I found I could breathe. I felt no pain. I felt better than I had in…years.
The fear was gone, nothing but a memory. There was no place for it in this new head.
New. Completely new. On a moment's inspection, I found I quite liked my new body and mind. But what newborn doesn't love itself?
I suddenly recalled what I had just done and how it had come about. It was strange to remember anything because it was like I was seeing it all through the mind of a different person…which I supposed I was.
I smile as I look back on that first meeting, because Death…well, he's an old friend of mine now.