So I wrote a thing. I couldn't get the idea out of my head in work today and I had to publish it. It's short and sweet.
Disclaimer: Not mine
"Is he hiding?"
"I think that's him under the bed."
"He hasn't exactly done a good a job of it, has he?"
Harry and Ginny peer at the pair of trainers that stick out beneath the camp bed. They're both impressed that Teddy managed to fit under the bed considering how tall he is.
"Maybe we should leave him alone?" Ginny whispers, "I mean, it can't be fun to have everybody find out you're dating your godfather's niece in the Daily Prophet."
"Has George stopped laughing yet?"
"No. Last I heard he was talking about putting the column on a T-Shirt."
"Genius."
They share a grin. George could always be counted to make light of a bad situation.
"You know," said Harry, "maybe we should get him out. He can't think I'd be annoyed him. How many times has the prophet caught us snogging?"
"Too many. Remember that charm Charlie put on us? I couldn't come within two feet of you without needing to go to the toilet."
"Exactly!" Harry says. He takes a tentative step towards the camp bed and places his hands in his pockets.
"Um, Teddy?" he calls innocently.
There is silence. Teddy is immobile beneath the bed.
"Ted?" Ginny calls, "don't you want to come out?"
"I'm not here," comes the muffled reply. "I don't exist."
Ginny and Harry share a confused look.
"Um, well, you clearly you do exist Ted."
"I don't think that analogy is very applicable sweetheart."
"I don't exist," Teddy says loudly. "If I don't exist, Bill won't kill me."
"Oh for goodness sake," Ginny marches up to the camp bed. She pulls Teddy's legs and drags him out from under the camp bed. Harry is once again reminded how freakishly strong his wife is.
Teddy yelps and looks up at Ginny with annoyance. His hair is tousled and messy from lying under the bed for so long.
"Oi!" he cries.
"What on earth are you doing?" Ginny demands of him.
Teddy looks at her like she has ten heads.
"What am I doing?" he replies incredulously. "Did you not read the bloody Prophet?"
"Course I did," Ginny says, shrugging. She winks at Teddy, "Didn't you hear? I gave the great Harry Potter a great big scar on his face."
"Little does Rita Skeeter know that all the scars Gin gives me are internal," Harry tells Teddy in deadpan tone of voice. "I suffer in silence."
"He thinks the scar looks sexy," Ginny says to Teddy matter of factly,"I tell him looks like a twat."
Teddy looks at his Godfather and his wife as they share a chuckle. He glares at them with ill-concealed disgust.
"You two are infuriating," he tells them angrily, "Oooh I have a scar. Oooh I'm a husband beater" he says mockingly. "Neither of you had your bloody love life plastered across the paper for the world to see!"
"Nobody cares Ted," Ginny tells him, "to be honest we all found it rather hilarious."
"Bill won't find it hilarious." Teddy corrects her.
"Well no," Harry concedes, "it was rather unfortunate that he didn't know about you two. He might be a bit annoyed...but he'll get over it!"
Harry throws Teddy an enthusiastic grin. Teddy narrows his eyes ag him.
"It's not funny Harry! I really, really like Vic and he's going to kill me."
"Come on Ted," Harry says. "Yes, Bill might chase you round the camp site and try to curse you...but you'll laugh about it in a few years! When I started dating Ginny the Weasley boys got me in a headlock and threatened to kill me if I broke her heart."
"And look at him now!" Ginny says bracingly.
"I'm a whole new man," Harry tells Teddy.
"Bill isn't going to curse me," Teddy said to Harry. His face was determined and calculating. "I have a plan."
"A plan?" Ginn says slowly.
"Yes," Teddy said, "a solid, 100% Bill Weasley proof plan."
Harry and Ginny stare at one another. This is an interesting development.
"And the plan is..."
"Well," Teddy says with a manic look in his eye, "first, I disguise myself as an old man with a beard and escape the camp site. Then I become one with the desert and become a sort of wizard- camel hybrid..."
"Riiight." Harry said, eyebrows raised
"Then," Teddy says dramatically, "after a few years, I move into the Argentinean countryside and live the rest of my life as an alpaca farmer."
There's silence. Teddy looks at them both expectantly. Ginny and Harry look at each-other and then back at Teddy.
"There's quite a lot of holes in that plan chum," Harry tells him, "really big ones."
"It's not exactly what I'd call strategic planning."
"Alpacas are clearly a bad investment."
"How would you become a wizard/camel hybrid?" Ginny wonders out loud. "I'll be honest Ted, if you can become a wizard camel hybrid I would drop out of Hogwarts now and cash in."
Two people burst through tent: Ron laughing his head off and Hermione, clutching her sides from laughing so hard.
"What is it?" Ginny asks them.
"You've gotta come," Ron tells his sister, wiping his eyes. "Fleur's on the rampage. We think she and Rita are going to have it out."
"What?!" Harry says, half laughing. Teddy gapes at Ron.
"Fleur says she won't have Rita Skeeter slut shaming her daughter, " Hermione says excitedly. Her eyes are bright and it's quite clear that she enjoys the idea of Rita Skeeter getting an ass kicking, "Angelina's gone to get popcorn. Percy is thinking of charging people money to watch."
Ginny and Harry say nothing and dart out of tent. Hermione laughs and follows. Ron winks at Ted.
"Not coming too Casanova?"
"Sod off"
Ron cackles and disappears through the tent flap.
Teddy is left sitting on the floor by himself. He can hear people laughing and talking outside. He thinks about going to watch Rita Skeeter get her ass handed to her, then he remembers that he's probably in for an ass kicking himself.
Teddy crawls under the bed again. He imagines the Daily Prophet will have something better to report tomorrow. He hopes it isn't his own death.