'' The love that binds us is more than the power we wield. Morgana had forgotten that.'' His face is blank except for the small smile (smirk) that graced his features and his eyes remained unreadable even to her. He hates her, she knows he does, and even if he did feel some loyalty to Arthur, Mordred would strike him down just to spite her.
(I shall never forget Emerys and I shall never forgive).
'' Still don't trust me?'' He asks her. She presses on his wound and he hisses. Gaius looks up to where he is preparing the needle and thread for Mordred's wound. She ignores him.
'' No.'' She says simply.
''Why not?'' Merlin presses on his wound getting a thrill when as his face crumples in pain. '' I killed Morgana.'' (I saved Arthur).
'' Morgana isn't dead.'' She says it softly as if the high priestess herself would walk in any moment just to prove her right.
'' How do you know.'' He asks her and he is smirking again and she wants to slap him.
(Because I can sense it).
'' Because I just do.'' She backs away and lets Gaius stitch his wounds.
'' Emrys.'' It is always Emrys, never Merlin. He never addresses her publicly, but when no one is around- when he catches her leaving the castle to go see the dragon, (because gods know she needs his advice now more than ever), it is always whisper soft. To her embarrassment she shoves him one night.
'' Never call me that.'' She hisses, and it echoes through the empty halls.
'' Why? It's who you are.'' His voice is too calm- too rational- that it makes her scream. Instead, she pushes him out of her way.
She thinks of killing him- thinks of it every day. It would be so easy, just a drop of poison (she thinks of Morgana gasping), or a dagger in his heart while he's sleeping, (she thinks of Morgana, her dagger poised above Uther), it nearly drives her mad.
But then he is always there with thinly veiled eyes and a corner of his lip upturned.
(He must know)
'' Merlin, are you alright?'' Sunlight filters through the room and bathes Gwen in a golden light.
Merlin smiles, '' I'm fine.''
(Gwen help me please, there's this darkness inside of me and I can't….help me Gwen.)
Overhead storm clouds gather as Ealdor burns.
(Morgana, Morgana, Morgana, I'm going to kill her, kill her, kill her, her kill her-). Lightning strikes as she screams.
She runs to the flames, (mother I have to save her, mother please…), arms wrap around her waist and she is hauled away from the heat. She kicks and screams, watching as her childhood home is turned to ashes.
Arthur and the rest of the knights look at her with pity as she is dragged away to the forest.
'' Emrys,'' is whispered into her ear. She stops struggling as Mordred whispers more words into her ears- ancient, soothing and full of sorrow.
She hates that he has seen her so vulnerable. '' You wanted this.'' She croaks out. By now they are both soaked to the bone and more than anything she wants to wake up from this nightmare.
'' Innocent blood is always spilled in times of war.'' He says, as if that answers her question- as if it makes anything better.
Most days she spends picking herbs for Gaius. Arthur has another servant, a competent one at that, and so she is left as a physician's assistant. Mostly though she bathes herself in the sun trying to pretend that everything is alright, (it isn't).
On this day she holds the carved the dragon that her father had given her, in her hands.
A whispered word and it set a flame.
Arthur touches her shoulder and it is almost like it used to be, when there wasn't a kingdom weighing on his shoulders, and too many secrets weighing on hers.
She smiles and bumps his shoulder playfully.
(They pretend as if war has not changed him and her secrets have not changed her).
She doesn't know where the others are but she guesses that they are too far away to hear her if she called for them.
She collapses against a tree as blood trickles from her side.
She hisses a few words
Nothing.
A few more words
Nothing.
She has never been good with healing spells. Then a flash of red catches her eye and he is there. Merlin expects him to gloat- to taunt, after all isn't this what he wanted? Didn't he want her to suffer?
Instead removes her hand and lifts up her tunic. She squirms but he just locks eyes with her, whispering words that even now sound alien to her, and for a moment her side feels like it is on fire. She cries out, her nails biting into her palms.
When he is done sweat trickles down his forehead and when he pulls his hands back he reveals a bruise where there was once a wound.
Merlin gets up and starts back to where she can still hear the clashing of swords, but she looks back briefly and mutters a thank you. (Because she remembers a woman who was once her friend, her kin, and Merlin had turned her back on her as well and look at how that turned out.)
Mordred finds her in the forest one day, and gives her a newly carved dragon.
(He's taunting her- he must be.)
She quirks an eyebrow at him before setting it on fire, he only quirks his lip. Every day after that he brings her a carving of the same dragon, and every day she burns it until it's nothing but ashes.
Ink stains her fingers as she searches for a new spell- a new way to help Arthur. Sometimes she wonders if Mordred can sense her failing attempts to help build Albion.
She wonders if he laughs at her.
Arthur plans to execute a witch and it is like Uther had never died. She argues with him but it is as if he is deaf, (like his father).
In the end Gwen ushers her out before their fight comes to bloodshed.
That night she sneaks past the guards and into the dungeons. It is like every other time, except it isn't.
The cell is empty.
'' You should go back to Gaius.'' Mordred is suddenly standing beside her, '' Better to say that people saw you with him before the warning bell rings.'' She is too shocked, (no she isn't), and so she does as he says.
'' I still don't trust you.''
He inclines his head, '' and I don't trust you.''
She smiles bitterly, '' something we agree on finally.''
'' I hate you.'' She tells him.
He looks at her from the corner of his eye, '' I know.''
'' And you hate me.'' He nods and she thinks that, that is all that needs to be said.
Merlin places her feet in the lake as the sky turns red.
(The color of blood, of men that had fallen, the color of Mordred's sword.)
'' You're destiny will destroy you,'' he tells her one day, '' you'll give yourself bit by bit, but it will never be enough. Albion will still crumble, Arthur will fall, and there is nothing you can do about it.'' She clenches her fists and wills herself not to lose control.
''You're wrong.'' He leans closer to her and her eyes flutter shut as she feels his magic wrap around her.
'' You can't stop destiny Emrys.''
(He sounds almost sad).
'' Arthur?'' She doesn't look up as hears papers shuffle and the scratching of pen on parchment.
'' Yes Merlin.'' He sounds so tired that she almost stops.
'' Do you believe in destiny?'' The scratching stops and she looks up to see him eyeing her warily.
'' Are you alright Merlin?''
'' I'm fine. Now answer the question.'' Arthur stretches back and regards her carefully.
'' No,'' he says after a moment,'' I have to believe that the choices I make effect my kingdom and my people.'' Merlin wants to believe that, but she's seen too much, (done too much), to think otherwise.
Merlin goes over to him and kisses his forehead, a rare gesture of affection between them. '' Is everything alright?'' He asks quietly.
'' Of course.'' She gives him a smile, but it's strained.
(No, because you're like a brother to me, my best friend, and I'm going to watch you die.)
She watches as he drinks his fill with the other knights, watches as he stumbles drunkenly towards his chambers. He seems startled when she grabs his arm and leads him to his door.
Then she kisses him.
It's probably because she's a glutton for punishment, (but mostly it's because she wants to haunt him as much as he's haunted her). To her surprise he pushes her closer to him until there's no space left between them and her lungs feel like they're on fire.
When they break apart she steps back, even though he magic is telling her not to, '' Never again.'' And even in his drunken stupor he manages to smirk.
(Because he knows she's lying.)
She leans against him, '' I should have killed you long ago.''
He brushes a piece of hair out of her eyes and the sweet wine she had been sipping turns sour.
'' You still can.'' Merlin takes another gulp of wine before passing it to him.
'' No I can't.''
'' You told me to give him the benefit of the doubt.'' Gaius looks at her disapprovingly, and where once that would have made her guilty she now feels hollow.
'' I'm so tired.'' She tells him. (I'm tired of it all).
She shivers as his thumb traces her spine, skin against skin- magic against magic. He doesn't say anything, but instead brushes a kiss against her lips, (almost like he cares for her). Merlin wants to ask him if he feels their magic's now- how they intertwine. How they are always intertwined, (ever since that first time).
She hugs Gwen as the bloody sheets are taken away
'' You can try again.'' She tells her friend; because it's the only comfort she can give her.
(You'll never have a child and you'll resent Arthur for that- you'll start to dream of ghosts.)
(I have magic.) She plays the scenario a hundred times in her mind and it always ends the same way.
So when Arthur does finally find out it is not a surprise that he banishes her, and it is Mordred who escorts her to the edge of Camelot's boundaries.
'' Will you not gloat?'' She asks him holding back her tears. He leans over and brushes a kiss on her cheek and she takes it as a goodbye.
She does not stay in the druid encampment for long, instead she seeks Morgana out. It's bloody and long but finally ends when she puts a dagger in Morgana's heart. Merlin burns Morgana's body and takes Aithusa to Kilgharrah.
(It feels like it should be the end, but she knows it is only just the beginning.)
Merlin dreams about him sometimes. They're fractured and blurry, but glimpses of frost blue eyes are enough to wake her up and leave her gasping.
(She has lost everything so why does he still torment her?)
'' Come and serve in my court.'' Annis tells her.
'' I won't be your fool.''
'' That wasn't what I was asking.''
'' I know.''
She still can't quite get used to the new clothes that Annis makes her wear or the respectful bows she receives from courtiers.
(She still looks over her shoulder before she does a spell.) Old habits die hard.
Merlin tries not to stare as Mordred kneels before Annis as ambassador to Camelot and heir apparent.
'' You've gotten everything you wanted, haven't you?'' She asks him later.
'' Not everything,'' he tells her in-between kisses, '' not yet.''
'' Give Arthur a message for me.'' Merlin asks as he is due to leave.
'' What is it?''
'' Morgana is dead.'' The look that crosses his face in that moment is between despair and anger.
(I was in your bed last night and my hands were stained with Morgana's blood.)
After that he dreams sharper- more pain than pleasure.
She wakes in the night screaming into her pillow, crescent marks on her palms.
News of Arthur travels fast; he conquerors kingdom after kingdom (with Mordred by his side).
'' Will you bend the knee to him?'' She asks Annis.
'' Do you think I have much of choice sorceress?''