TEASER
FADE IN:
Ext. Luke's diner. Day (day 1)
LORELAI is walking, cell-phone in hand, engaged in a characteristically animated conversation.
Lorelai
I don't think you understand. Afternoon Delight has seeped into the deepest recesses of my life. Even now I'm thinking "Started out this morning feeling so polite." What does that mean? Huh? "My motto's always been when it's right, it's right?" We pay for satellite radio, not 24/7 Starland Vocal Band service. Well what are you going to do? No, no, Electric Light Orchestra is not fine. So you're going to send someone out today? What? Oh, for a little afternoon delight? Yeah, I get it. Ha. I'm laughing. I'm laughing because that's funny.
Lorelai has a bitterly acerbic look on her face as she hangs up on the satellite radio customer service agent.
Lorelai (CONT'D)
Hey, Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Luke
What?
Lorelai
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
Luke
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Lorelai
My God! You know the lyrics to Afternoon Delight? Who are you?
Luke
My uncle bought me the record for my birthday one year. It's nothing.
Lorelai
You played it out. Little Luke in his sequined purple jumpsuit grooving to some SVB.
Luke
I did not have a purple sequined jumpsuit. It was red.
Lorelai attempts to open the door, but it's locked.
Lorelai
Uh? Locked. Excuse me. Door will not open. Pretty girl needs coffee. Why are you outside?
Luke
Cesar was juggling some cans of tomato paste, even though I told him not to, and one of them accidentally nicked the gas meter. I'm waiting for the guy from the gas company to show up.
Lorelai
So you can't open?
Luke
No.
Lorelai
But I can give you money!
Lorelai holds up a fistful of bills.
Luke
I had to shut the line off.
Lorelai
Well I need coffee.
Luke
Sorry.
Lorelai
Well have you switched to some jet powered, gas guzzling coffee machine that I've never seen or heard about, available only to select baseball cap wearing Connecticut diner owners with REALLY caffeine jonesing women about to break through plate glass for a fix?
Lorelai struggles with the locked door.
Luke
The power's off too.
Lorelai
Why?
Luke
They told me to shut it off.
Lorelai
And you listened to them? Them. Them, Luke. Never listen to utilities. That is practically a government agency right there.
Lorelai cups her hand to her ear.
LorelaI (CONT'D)
What? Do you hear something? Is that a blackhawk helicopter ready to swoop down and steal all my credit card information including mid-80s scarf purchases we should all forget about right now.
Luke
You can get your coffee at the inn.
Lorelai
But I don't want inn coffee. I want Luke coffee.
Luke
What's the difference?
Lorelai
Luke coffee is more coffee-ish.
Luke
Coffee-ish?
Lorelai
Yeah. You know, more...help me out here.
Luke
Coffee-ish.
Lorelai
Right.
Luke
I'm going back inside now.
A woman passes on the street, cup of coffee in hand. Lorelai eyes her enviously and holds up her fistful of bills.
Lorelai
Excuse me...
Fade out:
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. DRAGONFLY INN kitchen. DAY (DAY 1)
LORELAI makes a bee-line for the coffee maker and pours herself a cup. SOOKIE and JACKSON are arguing over a box of lemons.
Lorelai
Sweet nectar of the Gods.
Sookie
They're too tart.
Jackson
Tart? It's a lemon for goodness sakes.
Sookie
Taste this.
Sookie thrusts a lemon wedge at Lorelai.
Lorelai
Sorry, the lemon-coffee ended with the great heaving of 1986.
Sookie
What am I supposed to do with these?
Indicates the lemons.
Jackson
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Sookie
More like battery acid.
Jackson
Excuse me. These are perfectly good lemons. Look at that! Yellow.
Enter MICHEL
MICHEL
Excuse me. But there is a rather large man looking for you and I am afraid my accent does not mesh well with his absurdly patriotic choice of tie.
Sookie
I'm not paying for these.
Jackson
Yes you are.
Sookie
No I'm not.
Jackson
Well then I'll just get my remuneration some other way.
A sly look spreads across Jackson's face. Sookie smiles. Jackson walks around the counter towards her and...lunges for her purse. She fights him off.
INT. DRAGONFLY INN RECEPTION DESK. continuous
A large man, LEON, dressed in a suit of clothes bearing the emblem of the American flag is standing at the reception desk.
LORELAI
Hi! Can I help you.
LEON
Does he work here?
Leon points to Michel.
Lorelai
Oh, him? No, he's just a foreign exchange concierge. You know, came over in '69. You know, the fall of Saigon, Live at Leeds, Gadaffi, one small step for man...what can I do for you?
Leon
I'm Leon Peterson. We're checking in for the weekend.
Leon turns around and points to a small clan of Petersons in the foyer, all wearing clothes emblazoned with the Stars and Stripes.
Lorelai
All right. Peterson. Right. You wanted the Uncle Sam room? Just a joke. All right, Michel, can you show the Petersons to 102 and 103?
LEON
Him?
Michel
Please do not make me help this man. I am not interested in hearing again how I would be speaking German if not for him.
Lorelai
All right. I'll take him.
Michel and Leon exchange hostile glances as Lorelai leads the Peterson family up the front steps.
Int. Elder gilmore's house. Night. (day 1)
RICHARD and EMILY are sitting at the dining room table attended by an anxious maid. Richard reaches for his fork and Emily snaps to attention.
Emily
Richard, stop. We are waiting for Rory.
Richard
Emily, this is ridiculous.
Emily
She called five minutes ago. She's on her way home.
Richard
Then why are we sitting at the table?
Emily
I don't know. You got up and I followed you in here.
Richard
I'm eating.
Enter RORY. She collapses in a chair, looking a little bit frazzled.
Rory
Sorry I'm late. You guys didn't have to wait for me.
Emily
Of course we did. It's only polite.
Richard
What happened to your hair?
Emily
Richard!
Rory
Oh. It's OK. A light bulb burnt out and I had to jump up on the desk to change it. But the fan was on and I ran out of hair-spray and the whole thing kind of went Liza Minelli on me.
Emily
My God, you were up on a desk!
Rory
It's all right. I changed the bulb.
Richard
And so close to the fan. You could have been decapitated.
Rory
Call me Charles the first.
Emily
This is not funny. Why were you up there?
Rory
Because there was no one else to do it. It's really not a big deal.
Richard
Next time this happens call and I'll send Robert right over. He's excellent at changing light bulbs.
Rory starts digging into her food a little too ravenously. Richard and Emily stare.
Rory
Sorry. I'm just really hungry. I didn't get a chance to eat today.
EMILY
What do you mean you didn't get a chance to eat?
Rory
I was just so busy there wasn't any time to go out and get something. It's all right though.
Emily
It certainly isn't. You're half-starved.
Rory
No. No. Just a little hungry.
Rory splits a loaf of bread and spills some olive oil over it.
Richard
It's like a scene from King Rat.
Int. Lorelai's house / LUKE'S DINER. night (day 1)
LORELAI is dialing the phone. LUKE answers. He's back in the diner, she's sitting on her couch. For the rest of this scene we'll flip back and forth between Lorelai's and Luke's.
LORELAI
Where are you?
Luke
You know where I am. You just called me here.
Lorelai
(feigning a valley-girl accent)
Oh, right.
Luke
Never get involved with the gas company.
Lorelai
Words to live by.
Luke
So the guy says he's gonna show up at 8. He shows up at 9. But he's got the wrong part. He has to go back. He says he's gonna show up at 10. He shows up at 5 with the same wrong part he showed up with at 8. Now he said he's coming back later. But he's got to go home for dinner. His wife made a turkey. I don't know. I'm sorry. We had a date.
Lorelai
It's all right, I found someone else.
Luke
Who?
LORELAI
Colonel Sanders.
Luke
The white seersucker does it for you, huh?
Lorelai
Yes. Pre-Labor Day of course.
Luke
I can't believe you eat that stuff. You know they practically grow those chickens in a lab. They're all pumped full of chemicals, and hormones like...
Lorelai
You knew Susie Parker too?
Luke
It's not funny.
Lorelai
Listen. Can we please cut out the depressing poultry raising conversation until I've eaten?
Luke
I thought you were eating.
Lorelai
I was just kidding. I'm bored. And I know the spectre of a heinous culturally revered foodstuff is enough to set you off on a fantastically entertaining tangent.
Luke
So you're using me for entertainment?
Lorelai
And it's fun!
Luke
I'm glad. Because I think my coffee days are over.
Lorelai
No, don't say that.
Luke
I might have to close the place down with all this lost business.
Lorelai
My God! Luke!
Luke has turned the tables.
Luke
You're right, it is fun.
LorelaI
OK, never do that again.
Luke
Gave you a little start, huh?
Lorelai
Little? Uh, I've got the epi-pen in my hand right now.
Luke
I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get out of here.
We see Luke struggle with a dying flashlight.
Luke (CONT'D)
You know what would be good right about now? Electricity.
Lorelai
Oh, you know what would be good right about now? Food.
Luke
So eat something.
Lorelai
What?
Luke
I don't know. Whatever you have. How am I supposed to know.
Lorelai
All right.
Lorelai walks into the kitchen.
INT. lorelai's KITCHEN. CONTINUOUS
Lorelai opens the fridge and some cupboard doors.
Lorelai
Have you ever read the Emperor's New Clothes?
Luke
Right.
Lorelai
Oh! Sorry, I thought I might have just seen some food, but it was just a piece of 2x4.
Luke
What's a piece of 2x4 doing in your house?
Lorelai
I found it on the street and I thought it might be magical.
Luke
All right. I'm gonna stop asking questions now. You're obviously delirious. Order a pizza.
Lorelai
Oh, good idea. What should I get on it?
Luke
I don't know.
Lorelai
Should I get pepperoni?
Luke
You're just doing this to bother me, aren't you?
Lorelai
Oh, we have no secrets.
INT. ELDER GILMORE'S POOLHOUSE. DAY (DAY 2)
RORY is running around, phone cradled to her ear, frantically searching for something.
Rory
I know. Just give me one second. I know it's here somewhere.
Rory lifts a couch cushion and, not finding what she's looking for, attempts to move the entire couch. EMILY enters accompanied by a maid carrying breakfast.
Emily
But I liked it there.
Rory
I'm not moving it, grandma. I'm just looking for something.
Emily
Under the couch?
Rory
I think it might have slipped under there. I was reading the file last night and I fell asleep and now it's gone. But here's the folder.
Rory reaches under the couch and emerges triumphantly with paper in hand.
Rory (CONT'D)
Found it! All right.
Emily
I had Eda make you breakfast. I hope you like your eggs sunny side up. I didn't know how much pepper you liked so I just brought the mill. It's black. I didn't know if you liked white pepper so I brought that too. I found this new bread from Sicily, of course it's not from Sicily, and if you...you're not listening to me.
Rory is talking into the receiver.
Rory
No, I am. I'm just trying to get Mrs. Wilkins up-to-date on her application.
Emily
Look at you. You're all, ugh!
Rory is still in her pajamas, quite visibly dishevelled.
Rory
Thank you.
Emily
You need an assistant.
Rory
No. I'm fine. No, sorry, Mrs. Wilkins. I wasn't talking to you.
Emily
Yes. You need an assistant. I'm going to hire one right away. I'll call the girls at the DAR and tell them they're working my granddaughter into an early grave into which she's about to fall looking like Lillian Hellman after a three day bender.
Rory
No, grandma, it's all right. No, Mrs. Wilkins. I wasn't calling you grandma. It's my grandma. She's here. Talking to me. I know, you're only 46. You're right. That's too young. I'm sure he will one day. Well not everyone likes bridge. No. I don't think he can't. In fact I'm sure he can. All right. You have a good day too.
The poolhouse is in obvious need of a good cleaning. Emily has the maid on her hands-and-knees searching under the couch for other detritus. She supervises for about a second before catching sight of Rory's unmade bed and disappears into an adjoining room. As she leaves PARIS pushes through the door and flops down on the sofa, causing the maid to jump to her feet. Rory drops the phone on the island and stands beside Paris.
Rory (CONT'D)
Paris. What are you doing here? It's 9 o'clock. Don't you have class?
Paris
I quit.
Rory
What?
Paris
Yale.
Rory
What are you talking about?
Paris
I quit Yale.
Rory
What are you talking about?
Paris
Excuse me. Is there an echo in here? I said I quit Yale. I came here to bum around, you know, hang out on the couch and watch the boob tube all day. Maybe eat some Fritos, you know, take a nap. I've never taken a nap before. It was always too, you know, common for me.
Rory
Are you out of your mind?
Paris
Sure, this year's paid for. And maybe if I pass the hat I can raise enough money to keep myself in Kraft Dinner until September. But without cash I won't be able to enrol. And with the IRS clamped down on my bank account harden than Bush on Ephesians I'll never be able to raise the tuition. So I quit. I'm gone. Hasta luego Yale.
Rory
You can't quit Yale.
Paris
Why not? You did? Huh. You seem to be doing all right. Granted, your place looks a lot like the alley behind a Bennigans...
Emily returns carrying the bare cardboard cylinder from a used roll of toilet paper.
Emily
What is this?
Rory
That's toilet paper, grandma.
Emily
But there's no toilet paper on it.
Rory
Yes.
Emily
Well I found it in your bathroom.
Rory
I don't get it.
Emily
You're out of toilet paper.
RORY
I am not out of toilet paper.
Emily
Yes you are. There's none on the roll. There's none on the silver, arm, dispenser thingy. You're out of toilet paper.
Rory
Silver arm dispenser thingy?
Emily
You know what I'm talking about.
Rory
OK, could we please bring this toilet paper discussion to less embarrassing environs.
Emily
You're out of toilet paper. I can't believe it.
Rory
I've got plenty of toilet paper, grandma. It's under the sink. In the cupboard.
Emily
You're wearing yourself out. The place is...
Paris
Dresden circa 1944.
Emily notices Paris, who is now huddled in a blanket looking the perfect embodiment of depression.
Emily
Oh!
Paris
Hello Emily.
Paris's monotone is way over-the-top.
Emily
Hello. Rory, I didn't know you had a friend here.
Rory
She just popped in. And nested.
Emily
Well let me get her some breakfast. Eda! Another tray for Rory's guest.
Paris is lying on the couch in full depressed glory, chewing slowly.
Paris
It's all right.
Rory
What are you eating?
Paris
I don't know. It was under the couch.
Emily
My God!
Paris
I think it might have been a Malamar.
The phone starts ringing. Rory answers it, immediately being drawn into conversation with another DAR applicant.
Emily
Rory?
Rory ignores her, dedicating her attention to the phone.
Emily (CONT'D)
Rory?
Rory
Sorry, I've got to take this call.
Rory disappears into the bedroom. Papers still litter the coffee table, the kitchen table, and most of the room. Emily stares at Paris, who's now wielding the TV remote.
Paris
Like sands through the hour-glass, so are the days of our lives.
EXT. LUKE'S DINER. DAY (DAY 2)
LUKE is pacing around in front of the diner. KIRK walks up and tries the door, but finds it locked.
Luke
What are you doing?
Kirk
Excuse me?
Luke
I said what are you doing?
Kirk
Is this some new kind of diner patron screening policy? One second, I think I've got my papers somewhere in here.
Kirk reaches into a jacket pocket.
Kirk (CONT'D)
Now my drivers license is expired, but my passport is up-to-date. Now the photo doesn't look like me, but that's because I had just had a hair-cut and in those days I experimented with mousse. It is me though. It's not...a Kirk doppelganger whom I somehow found, and imprisoned in his basement, and assumed his identity...
Luke
Kirk! What are you doing?
KirK
I'm...going inside. Pending your approval of course.
Luke
But I'm out here.
Kirk
Yes.
Luke
Do you see anyone else inside?
Kirk
It's a slow day?
Luke
We're closed, Kirk.
Kirk
But it's quarter after 10.
Luke
I know.
Kirk
You open at 8.
Luke
Yes we do.
Kirk
So, I believe, by the logic inherent in that syllogism, that you're open.
Luke
Can't you see the "Closed" sign on the door?
Kirk
Oh. That's real?
Luke
Yes. It's real.
Kirk
I thought it might have been a decoy.
Luke
A decoy for what?
Kirk
I don't know what goes on in your head, Luke. Frankly, after that whole doppelganger accusation, I don't want to know.
Luke
Get out of here.
Kirk
You're going to go inside when I turn my back, aren't you?
Luke
Go!
Kirk
Is this a surprise party? You can tell me.
Luke starts to walk threateningly towards Kirk, who takes to his heels.
Kirk (CONT'D)
You'll never prove anything!
INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DAY (DAY 2)
LORELAI is carrying a gingerbread house into the dining room. She stops as she comes face-to-face with EMILY, who stands in the threshold with her arms crossed.
Lorelai
All right. I'm thinking about infringing on a whole lot of copyrights right now.
Emily
Hello Lorelai.
Lorelai
Mom, what are you doing here? I mean, other than providing the inspiration for a once-in-a-lifetime Frank Baum moment.
EMILY walks over to a table and sits down.
Emily
I'm eating breakfast.
Lorelai
It's eleven o'clock.
Emily
Yes.
Lorelai
So this isn't Denny's mom. Breakfast is over. We stop serving at 11.
EMILY
But it's 11 right now.
Lorelai
No.
Emily
But you just said...
Lorelai looks at her watch.
Lorelai
Oh, look, 11:01! Well, it was nice seeing you.
Emily
Fine. Then I'm eating lunch.
Emily walks into the dining room and sits down at a table. She starts studying the cutlery.
EmilY (CONT'D)
There's a spot on this one. Oh, look at this. Can I get a clean glass please?
Lorelai turns to a waiter.
Lorelai
Mark. Can you please get my mother a clean glass, um, a fork, and some elderberry wine for me.
Emily
And a menu!
Lorelai
Mom, the menus are right here.
Emily
A clean one.
Lorelai
Ugh. All right. And a menu and a bottle of Windex. For that streak-free shine.
Emily spots Leon eating some blueberry pancakes.
Emily
What is that man eating?
Lorelai
Flat, fluffy, cake-type things.
Emily
He's eating pancakes.
Lorelai
Oh, right, that's what they're called! Idiot.
Lorelai smacks her forehead derisively.
Emily
I thought you said you stopped serving breakfast?
Lorelai
Well we did, mom.
Emily
But they just brought those out.
Lorelai
But he ordered them before 11.
Emily
But obviously the breakfast making apparatus is still intact.
LORELAI
Yes, um, if you mean Sookie.
EmilY
Those look lovely. I think I'll have some.
Lorelai
All right. Prepare to be double-charged.
Mark returns with the cutlery, the menu, and the Windex.
Lorelai (CONT'D)
I was just joking' about the Windex, hun.
Mark
Sorry. It's my first day.
Lorelai
Well then lesson number one. The boss is pretty and never to be trusted when ordering cleaning supplies. She'll just have the blueberry pancakes.
Mark
But it's after 11.
Lorelai
...And above all else vengeful.
Mark
I'll just go and get those for you.
Lorelai
Thanks.
Mark disappears into the kitchen.
Emily
I want to talk to you about Rory.
Lorelai
Uh, I'm pretty busy here, mom. You know, it's...
Lorelai gets up, attempting her escape.
Emily
Sit down.
Lorelai sits down.
Lorelai
All right. So how is Corey?
EmilY
Rory!
Lorelai
Oh, right. Sorry. Hey, sorry, Corey, Rory. That rhymes.
EMILY
This isn't funny.
LORELAI
No, I think we passed funny when I, admittedly pitifully, passed up the house-dropping incident.
Emily
She's doing very well at the DAR.
LORELAI
Really? Well, that's good.
Emily
It is. The girls voted her a raise.
Lorelai
Yeah? Well, good. I hear rent's a bitch in her neighborhood.
Emily
You can stop worrying about her, Lorelai.
Lorelai
No, mom. I think part of this whole motherhood thing means I get to worry about her 'till, I don't know, death-do-us-part. And even then I'll be living in her attic, you know. Haunting her, but making sure she drinks her milk.
Emily
She drinks milk? I thought she said she didn't like it.
Lorelai
That's not what I meant.
Emily
Should I get 2? I don't think she's a whole-milk girl.
Lorelai
It's like talking to a Donna Karan cutout.
Emily
Yale isn't everything. For some people, yes, but not for Rory. I think she's found her niche this last month. Grown as a person. Found her...
Lorelai
Please do not say cap that sentence with "calling."
Emily
Well I was going to say "found herself." Certainly DAR secretary is not a calling.
Lorelai
Mom...
Emily
Lorelai, I know you two were close...
Lorelai
Were?
Emily
And I know you had a, well, different relationship.
Lorelai
Yeah. She sang and I danced. I was grunge, she was super-grunge. It was a whole Ozzy/Kelly thing.
Emily
I think you may be holding on for the wrong reasons.
Lorelai
Holding on? No, I don't think I'm holding on. I think, if anything, I'm holding way off. Like 30 minutes from here-to-Hartford-and-your-poolhouse-of-mystery off. All right. I'm letting Rory find herself. And letting her sink or swim...though that's pretty convenient because her house does abut a pool. So I hope she swims...
Emily
She swims beautifully.
Lorelai
I'm not worried about her. She'll make her own decisions.
Emily
Good.
Mark returns with Emily's pancakes.
Emily (CONT'D)
Thank you. These look delicious.
Lorelai drops an ice-cube in her water glass and watches it sink to the bottom.
AND WE:
FADE OUT:
Act ii
Int. Dragonfly inn. Day (DAY 2)
LORELAI is arguing with MICHEL. RICHARD walks up to the reception area.
Lorelai
He did not accuse you of being a Nazi collaborator, Michel.
Michel
He called me Petain.
Lorelai
Just try to stay out of his way.
Michel
Yes. I will avoid the John Philip Sousa section of our audio library and make sure to refrain from all areas featuring a display of apple pie.
Lorelai spots Richard.
Lorelai
Dad!
Richard
Hello, Lorelai.
Lorelai
Wow, double trouble.
Richard
Excuse me?
Lorelai
Nothing.
Richard
Do you have a minute?
Lorelai
Actually, dad, I'm kind of busy with the French-Indian wars.
Richard
Fine. I'll just sit down and wait.
Richard goes to find a seat. Lorelai, realizing he's here to stay, runs to stop him. She opens a desk drawer and looks up excitedly.
Lorelai
Hey, look! I just found a minute. And a good thing because it's the last one before I answer that whole "To be, or not to be" thing.
Richard
Good.
Lorelai follows Richard into the foyer. They both sit down.
Richard (CONT'D)
I want to talk to you about Rory.
Lorelai
Deja vu.
Richard
She's fitting in well at the DAR.
LORELAI
So, she's up to four glasses a day?
Richard
Your mother tells me everyone loves her.
Lorelai
Well, you know what they say about misery.
Richard slams his fist down on the coffee table. Lorelai jumps.
Richard
This is serious, Lorelai.
Lorelai
I'm sorry.
Richard
She's not going back.
Lorelai
Back?
Richard
To Yale.
Lorelai
Oh.
Richard
We've got to do something.
Lorelai
To get her back to Yale?
Richard
She's a success. That girl can do anything she wants. I don't care what that ink-stained William Randolph Hearst junior says.
Lorelai
I believe the word is poseur.
Richard
What are we going to do?
Lorelai
I don't know, dad.
Richard
You mean you don't have a plan?
Lorelai
No, sorry. Uh, I wasn't planning on staging the Great Escape part two, operation de-haughtify my daughter, today.
Richard
Well what have you been doing all this time?
Lorelai
Waiting. Waiting for her to realize her mistake and come back on her own terms.
Richard
Well that seems to have worked out very well, hasn't it?
Lorelai
It's still a little early in the race to be cashing that quinella.
Richard
She organized a dinner. She found the entertainment. Planned the menu.
Lorelai
Oh, did you have lobster? Because she really likes lobster.
Richard
I'm just afraid she's getting a little too...entrenched.
Lorelai
Entrenched?
Richard
Entrenched. It means "established firmly and securely." It's an adjective. Entrenched.
Lorelai
I know what it means, dad. It just sounded like you were looking for a different word.
Richard
No, entrenched is perfectly fine.
Lorelai
All right.
Richard
I meant entrenched.
Lorelai
Like mom?
Richard
I didn't say that.
Lorelai
But you wanted to.
Richard
I certainly did not.
Lorelai
Like mom! Wow. That's...I think I need some air. Wait a second, was that the White Rabbit? Man, I just hope we don't miss the caterpillar. I loved him. Wait a second, the Queen of Hearts. Or is that mom?
Richard
Well if you're out of ideas I guess I'll have to implement some kind of campaign of my own.
Lorelai
You're wasting your time.
Richard
Well it's a good thing these aren't billable hours then, isn't it?
Lorelai
Dad, listen. She'll come back when she's ready. Believe me, I know.
Richard
Just like you?
Richard gets up and starts walking to the door.
Lorelai
What?
Richard
Nothing. I said just like you. We gave you time. You, of course, came back when you were ready.
Lorelai
This is a little different. OK.
Richard
You're right. It's completely different. Goodbye, Lorelai.
Richard exits. Enter Michel, trailed by Leon.
Leon
And let me tell you something about the Maginot Line...
INT. ELDER GILMORE'S POOLHOUSE. NIGHT (Day 3)
RICHARD enters, carrying a drink. RORY is on the couch studying a stack of papers.
Richard
Busy?
Rory
Just going through a few membership proposals. We're really making a dent in the 65-70 bracket. Our demographics are shifting. Of course, our retention rate isn't so great. You know, with the 65-70 crowd.
Richard
That's nice. Drink?
Richard offers Rory a Martini.
Rory
No thanks.
Richard
So, I heard you've been voted a raise.
Rory
It's only fifteen cents an hour. But it's nice.
Richard
Fifteen cents an hour! That's an insult.
Rory
What?
Richard
They expect you to live on that?
Rory
Well I've only been working for a month.
Richard
And you've been a godsend.
Rory
Well...
Richard
No, don't be modest. You've completely revitalized the entire operation.
Rory
I try.
Richard
I think we should enter hard-nosed negotiations.
Rory
With the DAR?
RICHARD
Yes. They've practically enslaved you. You're risking life-and-limb changing defective light-bulbs...
Rory
It wasn't defective. I talked to Ken about it and he said it'd been there almost six years.
Richard
Ken?
Rory
The janitor.
Richard
They've got you fraternizing with maintenance staff?
Rory
I just said hello.
Richard
Don't worry, I'll spearhead this initiative.
Rory
What initiative?
Richard
The raise initiative.
Rory
But it's all right.
Richard
It certainly isn't. Do you know how well endowed the DAR is, as an organization? No, they certainly don't have to worry about money.
Richard pours himself another drink.
Richard (CONT'D)
And to think they have you in that cramped, airless office, chained to a desk.
Rory
It's really not that bad.
Richard
Forget the raise! You should quit.
Rory
Quit!
RicHARD
Yes! Look at what they have you doing. This feudal system of serfdom won't work, Rory. Yes, I think your only recourse is to quit.
Rory
But what'll I do about a job?
Richard
Oh. You can always find something else. Or if not...
The phone rings.
Rory
One second.
Rory answers the phone.
Rory (CONT'D)
No. We mailed it out last week. Yes, I did it myself. All right, I'll double-check.
Rory turns to Richard.
Rory (CONT'D)
Sorry, grandpa I'll just be a second.
Richard sips his drink, a look of defeat spread across his face.
Int. Dar office. Day (day 3)
RORY is sitting at her desk, phone cradled between her neck and ear, shuffling papers.
Rory
I know it's here somewhere. I'm usually much more organized than this. People always used to make fun of me because I was so organized. Oh. What did they say? They said, "Oh, Rory. She's so organized." Well I know it's not really funny. Most of them are philosophy majors now.
EMILY enters carrying a brown paper-bag.
Emily
Oh, this place is a mess.
Rory
Hi grandma. One second, I'm just on the phone.
Emily starts straightening up some errant papers. Rory hangs up and turns to her.
Rory (CONT'D)
So, what's in the bag?
Emily
I had Maurice make you lunch.
RorY
Really?
Emily
Well I know you've been busy and you haven't had time to eat...what is that?
Emily points to a pizza box on Rory's desk.
Rory
Oh, it's pizza.
Emily opens the box.
Emily
Ooh! It's green.
Rory
Well, I haven't really had time to clean.
Emily drops the lunch bag on Rory's desk.
Emily
I hope you like veal.
Rory
Yeah. I love veal.
Emily
I thought you might not, you know. Because of the whole politics of the veal debate. Although if you ask me you're going to eat the thing anyway.
Rory
No, veal's fine. Really. I try to keep my meals as bi-partisan as possible. It helps digestion.
Emily
Oh. I almost forgot. I brought you one more thing.
Rory
Desert!
PARIS bursts through the door.
Paris
All right, I'm here.
Rory is floored.
Rory
Paris! What are you doing?
Paris
I'm here. Your new assistant. You said you were swamped. You couldn't get anything done. Your color coding system had gone to shambles. Mice were nesting in your filing cabinets. Well I'm here. Oh, and I called the exterminator. He's on the way.
Rory
My assistant?
Paris
I already spoke to your grandmother. She said, sure, I'll be making less money than you, but that doesn't mean I'm any less integral to the proper functioning of this organization. And, maybe if we keep this to a strictly military hierarchical system where we can both salute each other, like officers, and thus diffuse any bad blood that may arise from class conflict...or SNAFUS.
Rory
My grandmother hired you?
Paris starts shuffling papers on Rory's desk. Emily quietly slides out the door.
Paris
Now I know, technically, you're my boss, but I think a system of mutual respect and a level plane would be the most efficient way to go.
The phone rings. Rory answers and covers the receiver with her hand.
Rory
One second.
Rory uncovers the receiver.
Paris
I was considering a parliamentary cabinet system, with you as the adjunct Prime Minister but I thought that was a little too Canadian, you know?
Rory
Sorry, Paris. I've got to take this.
Paris
All right. I'll just go make some coffee.
Rory
All right. Just cream, no sugar, please.
Paris glares at Rory. Rory returns to her phone-call.
Rory (CONT'D)
Sorry. You know what, why don't I call you back when I find it. All right?
Paris comes back with two cups of coffee. She drops one on Rory's desk and starts organizing the mess. Rory is still chatting into the phone.
Rory (CONT'D)
No, I'm sure you won't have to make another copy, Mrs. Pope. Yes, I know how rude they were to you at the Kinkos. I know, I know. He should have shaved.
Paris
Pope.
Rory
One second.
Rory covers the receiver.
Rory (CONT'D)
Paris, I'm on the phone.
Paris shoves a paper at Rory.
Paris
Were you looking for this?
Rory examines the loose sheet and her eyes light up, momentarily. Paris stands, lit up in victory.
Rory
Sorry about that, I just found it.
Paris
You found it? Looks like we're right back in the ivy, aren't we boss?
INT. ELDER GILMORE'S POOLHOUSE. DAY (DAY 4)
RORY is dealing with her customary stack of papers. PARIS is buzzing back and forth, shouting into the phone.
Paris
I'm sorry Andrade, but your linen service has been severely lacking. Yes, I understand we are only set up for weekly service, but it seems to me like you're advocating some kind of absurdly unhygienic system of non-hand washing, or at least non-hand drying. Oh, so we should switch to paper towels then? Why don't we just ask old uncle Richard Rich to dive into his pocket for some hundred dollar bills so we can dry our hands in bourgeois style?
EMILY enters with a tray of drinks.
Emily
Am I interrupting?
Rory
Only the great linen debate.
Paris disappears into the kitchen.
Emily
So, how is it having an assistant?
Rory
Oh, she's great. She organized all my notes according to the Library of Congress filing system. Only I don't know the Library of Congress filing system so I can't find anything.
Paris swings back across the room.
Paris
No. The absorption rate of that cloth is well below accepted international standards. How do I know? I happen to have friends in very high places at the department of health and human services. Yes, I do. And I warn you, if we stay on this path, you might be sleeping, in the middle of the night, and get a knock on your door. And then, sorry, it's an unmarked white van, and a one way ticket to Ice Station Zebra my friend.
Emily
She is tenacious, isn't she?
Rory
She bit the mailman.
Paris collapses beside Rory and drops the phone on the coffee table.
Paris
Good news. I called out the linen guy and we're getting twice-weekly service. Free. Gratis.
Rory
You brow-beat him.
Paris
I was convincing.
Rory
You threatened to light his van on fire.
Paris
Hey, that cloth is supposed to be fire-retardant.
Emily
So, how are things down at the office?
Paris
Oh, you know. The daily grind. The salt mines. Rory is a bit of a taskmaster, but I'm getting used to it. At first it was a little tough, you know, supplicating myself to her, but I feel safe in the knowledge that the cream rises to the top.
Rory
I'm a taskmaster?
Paris
Don't even talk to her if she hasn't had her coffee.
Rory
Excuse me.
Paris opens her day planner and opens it to a page full of close-cropped writing.
Paris
Now she was all right on Tuesday, and a little crabby on Wednesday. Thursday was Joan Crawford time.
Rory
You're documenting my moods?
Paris
It'll help me serve you better.
Rory
I don't want you to serve me.
Emily
I think it's very industrious.
Paris
Thank you, Emily.
Paris turns to Rory.
Paris (cont'd)
Now, I was going to wait and draw my conclusions from empirical data, but since we're talking about it now I might as well ask: Do you typically start PMSing more than a few days before your period? Because I can extrapolate every 28 days and make sure to stay out of your way. Now I've got Tuesday as a reference point. So let's see, 28 days from Tuesday is the 24th. Should I bring in doughnuts, or maybe a Diana Krall CD?
Rory gets up and storms out.
Paris (CONT'D)
What is it? A cramp? I've got Advil.
Paris follows Rory outside. Emily sits, dumbfounded.
INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DAY (DAY 4)
Lorelai is busy checking out the PETERSON family.
Lorelai
So, how was your stay?
Leon
Great. Absolutely great. You know you ought to give him a raise.
Leon indicates Michel.
Lorelai
Michel?
Leon
Oh, he's more fun 'n a barrel-of-monkees.
Lorelai
Well he is French.
Leon
Will you do me a favour and give this to him. It's a little gift. I'd love to see his face when he opens it, but we've got to catch this plane.
LORELAI
Sure.
Leon hands Lorelai a small, wrapped, package.
Leon
Take care.
Exit Leon and the Petersons. Michel sidles up to the desk.
Michel
Is General Patton and his pearl-handled pistols gone?
Lorelai
Yes he is. And, look he left you a present. Why don't I open it?
Michel attempts to snatch the package from Lorelai.
LoreLAI (CONT'D)
What could it be?
Lorelai opens the package and produces a cowboy hat colored with a hand-painted Stars and Stripes flag design.
Michel
Somewhere Coco Chanel is rolling over in her grave.
Lorelai
I think it's keen.
Lorelai slams the hat down on Michel's head.
Michel
Ah, it burns!
Lorelai
Oh, now all you need is a pick-up and some Miller Lite.
Enter LUKE, who marches up to the desk.
Luke
What's going on?
Lorelai
Oh, you know, the usual. Michel wears a funny hat. We all stand around and clap. Polar ice caps melt. Hell freezes over. You know, the usual. What are you doing here?
Luke
The gas guy stood me up.
Lorelai
The gas guy stood you up?
Luke
Right. That's what I said.
Lorelai
I know. It just sounded kind of strange.
Luke
Well there's a gas guy. And he stood me up.
Lorelai
A gas guy.
Luke
I wouldn't do this. Believe me, you know I wouldn't do this. But the power's off in my place and I can't cook anything. I'm starving.
Lorelai
I'm sorry sir, we only comp high rollers.
Luke
I'll pay.
Lorelai
Yes you will.
Lorelai smiles mischievously. Luke follows her into the dining room.
INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DINING ROOM. CONTINUOUS.
Luke sits down at a table. Lorelai pulls out a seat for herself.
Luke
I thought you were working?
Lorelai
Hey, I'm the boss. Break! Do you want me to blow a steam-whistle or something, 'cause I can do that.
Luke
No. It's OK.
Lorelai
Do you know what you're getting?
Luke
Yep.
Lorelai
What?
Luke
Why?
Lorelai
I'm just asking.
Luke
You're going to get the same thing as me, aren't you?
Lorelai
No.
Luke
Yes you are. You always let me order first and then you get the same thing as me. You do it every time.
Lorelai
I do not do it every time.
Luke
The waiter comes to the table. He waits. You don't say anything. I order. You say "I'll just have what he's having."
Lorelai
All right, Robert Peel. I'll order an original entree. I wouldn't want to infringe on your right to be extraordinarily uptight.
Luke
Forget it. Get what you want.
Lorelai
No, no. I'll order something different. But, you know, in order to do that, you've got to tell me what you're having.
Luke
The stuffed shells.
Lorelai
Oh, that's what I was going to get!
Luke
I knew it! Forget it. Order what you want.
Lorelai
I was just kidding. Calm down. People are gonna think this is some kind of Neil Simon re-enactment. Connecticut-style.
Enter Mark, the waiter.
Mark
Have you decided yet?
Lorelai
Yes we have.
Lorelai sits with her lips pursed. Luke smiles, waiting for her to order. She purses tighter. Luke finally gives in.
Luke
I'm going to have the stuffed shells.
Luke hands Mark his menu.
Lorelai
I'm going to have what he's having.
Luke throws up his hands in frustration. Exit Mark.
Int. Dar office. day. (day 4)
RORY is dealing with another phone-call. PARIS enters, wringing her hands.
Paris
He can say goodbye to that truck.
Rory
Excuse me?
Paris
Faster linen. More like unreliable linen. Or disappearing linen. Or not-even-linen!
Rory
Calm down.
Paris
I will not calm down. Did you see my pay-cheque? Huh? I am not paid enough to calm down. The envelope was bigger than the cheque and probably more expensive. I'm surprised they even bothered. Someone could have just showed up and emptied the loose change from their pocket and it would have been the same effect.
Rory
Paris, I'm kind of dealing with a situation here.
Paris
Oh, sorry. God forbid I air my petty, devalued concerns in front of the big boss lady. Although she's certainly well compensated for listening!
RORY hangs up the phone.
Rory
Paris! That was an important call.
Paris
Who was it? Your banker? On the line from Switzerland? Wants to know where to put the next million?
Rory
It was our hall. They cancelled us. Some fire or something. I don't know. What are we going to do?
Paris
The meeting tomorrow night?
Rory
Yeah.
Paris
We've got no hall?
Rory
No!
Paris
We've got no hall!
Rory
OK, stop saying "we've got no hall."
Paris
But we've got no hall.
Rory
Please.
Paris
What about...
Rory
No.
Paris
And...
Rory
No. I called them all. Everything's booked.
Paris
Well...
Rory
What?
Paris
What about your mom's place?
Rory
The inn? No.
Paris
Why not? It's nice. A little Victorian, you know, Thoreau-in-the-woods-ish, but it'd definitely suit the crowd.
Rory
I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable calling her.
Paris
All right. I'll do it.
Rory
You will?
Paris
Yeah. Why not? I mean, leave the dirty work to Paris. You know, the jobs no one else wants. Just heap them on Paris's plate. She loves it. She lives for it.
Rory
I'll call.
Paris
No, I'm already dialing. You know what? Forget it. I'll just drive out there. Bring the seating plan. Finalize the menu.
RORY
Paris. Thank you.
Paris
Of course, since I make less money than a side-walk organ grinder I won't be able to put gas in the tank. But if I run really fast, against traffic, then I just might live long enough to drop these plans off and drop dead in the foyer.
Rory digs in her purse and tosses Paris a set of keys.
Rory
Here. Take my car. The tank's full.
Paris
Full? I was ready to siphon. Make the money, live the life, right?
AND WE:
FADE OUT:
ACT III
INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DAY (DAY 4)
LORELAI and LUKE are finishing their meal. PARIS barges in and sits down at the table.
Lorelai
Oh!
Paris
Sorry, there's no time for niceties. We've got a major time crunch on our hands here and I hydroplaned all the way from Hartford so I'm kind of on some weird, speed-induced high.
Lorelai
What's going on?
Luke
I think I'll get back to the diner.
Luke gets up to leave.
PARIS
The guy can stay.
Luke
I think "the guy" should probably get back to his diner.
Paris
The diner? Oh, right. The hardware stores with nails and salmonella. I think there was a guy hiding out there. In the bushes. But I was driving so fast it may have been a sandwich board.
Luke
Was he wearing a black jacket?
Paris
Well, it was black. I couldn't tell. Although now that I think of it those may have been binoculars.
Luke
Kirk!
Luke exits.
Lorelai
So what's going on?
PARIS
We have a major A-1 level emergency on our hands. Our hall burnt down. Or something. It's not important. But we're out on the streets for our monthly meeting tomorrow. And though this place is only marginally better decorated than the lawn in front of Bob's Buy and Build, the indoor plumbing really stands out as a bonus.
Lorelai
Paris, what are you talking about?
Paris
The DAR.
LORELAI
THE DAR?
PARIS
Yes.
Lorelai
What do you have to do with the DAR?
PARIS
I work there now. Although, I'm actually planning on quitting at the end of the week. You know, scrape another pay-cheque, stick it to the man.
Lorelai
You work for the DAR? Since when?
Paris
You won't tell Rory I'm quitting? Of course not, you two don't talk.
Lorelai
Since when do you work for the DAR?
PARIS
Since Rory was practically buried under a Balco enhanced stack of paperwork that would have been visible from space if I'd had the guts to take a match to it. Workers' unite and revolt type thing.
Lorelai
You work with Rory?
Paris
Technically I'm her assistant. Although she knows who's the boss.
Lorelai
Wow.
Paris
So, about tomorrow. We need 45 chairs. Not 46. That's very important. And salmon. No good. There are allergies. We're going all red meat. I know, women this age and their colons. But that's the way it's got to be.
Lorelai is visibly stunned as Paris runs down her litany of demands. She sits, partially in shock.
ext. Elder gilmore's house. night. (day 4)
We see a gloved fist knock on the door. EMILY answers.
Emily
Lorelai? What are you doing here?
LorELAI
Nice to see you too, mom.
Emily
Come in.
Lorelai follows Emily into the anteroom.
Int. Elder gilmore's house. continuous
Emily
Give me your coat.
LorelaI
I'm not staying.
Emily
But you're inside. Give me your coat.
LoreLAI
I'm not hot.
Emily
When you come into someone's house you take off your coat. It's proper manners.
LORELAI
You got her an assistant?
Emily
Who?
LorelaI
Rory? You got her an assistant.
Emily
Oh, yes. Paris. A real Joseph McCarthy kind of girl.
LORELAI
Why would you get her an assistant?
EmilY
She was swamped. She needed help. She'd hardly even bathed.
LoreLAI
You are making this too easy for her.
EMILY
What?
LoreLAI
You know what!
Emily
Oh, yes. I forgot. I'm such a terrible person. How awful of me to try to help my granddaughter. To make her eat. And bathe. And not fall asleep on the couch with a pizza box for a pillow. Thank you, Lorelai, for reminding me just how terrible I really am.
LorelaI
That's not what you're doing.
Emily
It isn't? You mean this has all just been a dream? How nice. I'd like to wake up now.
Lorelai
No, mom. You're getting back at me for running away from you. Now you're keeping Rory here and, wow, this is like a Rod Serling moment.
Emily
Excuse me?
Lorelai
I can't believe I didn't see this? The whole time. I can't believe it.
Emily
What are you talking about?
Lorelai
I somehow crest the walls of the Chateau Dief here and you resent it for sixteen years. You resent it, but you keep it simmering, you know, on a back-burner somewhere. Though when you learned to use the stove I don't know. And you wait for your chance.
Emily
I don't know what you're talking about.
Lorelai
You finally did it. You finally got her away from me. All those years that you must have wanted to...I can't believe it.
EMILY
We didn't lure her here, Lorelai. We didn't lay a little trail of bread crumbs to the door. She made this decision herself.
Lorelai
And you're just the master of the house, right? Doling out the charm? Ready with a handshake and an open arm?
Emily
You said it yourself before, she's not a kid.
Lorelai
No, but she's young.
Emily
What did you think was going to happen? That you could hold onto her forever?
Lorelai
Excuse me?
Emily
So she left you to come here? Would it have mattered if she had found some fifty cent motel with vibrating beds and those tiny bars of soap that get washed down the drains?
Lorelai
Vibrating beds?
Emily
You're upset because that girl couldn't make it on her own like you did. She needs help. And that offends you.
LorELAI
Rory doesn't need anyone's help.
EMILY
No?
LorelaI
Yeah. And maybe if you'd stop giving her some of your so-called help she'd finally, I don't know, regain her downstairs-maid addled senses and go back to school.
Emily
She's not you.
LorelaI
I never said she was.
Emily
She needs our help.
LoreLAI
You're just trying to control her like you tried to control me. Only she doesn't know you like I do and you roped her. Good job, mom. Guess all that lasso practice paid off.
Emily starts retreating into the house. Lorelai follows.
Emily
She's quite happy.
LORELAI
Even dad wants her back at Yale.
Emily
He does not!
LORELAI
He came to see me at the inn. He said he was cooking up some kind of plan. I don't know when dad has ever formulated a plan before, but I think the act of announcing a plan signifies some kind of assent on his behalf.
EmiLY
Your father doesn't know what he wants.
LoreLAI
Yale is her life. She'll die here. Just like I would've if I'd have stayed. She's not strong enough to tunnel out. The walls are too thick and reinforced with Winslow Homer paintings.
Lorelai turns around. Rory stands in the hall, apparently having heard the entire conversation. She retreats through the doors and to the poolhouse. Lorelai is crushed. Emily is silent.
Lorelai walks to the front-door and exits.
INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE. NIGHT. later
LORELAI enters and checks the messages on her answering machine.
Luke (O.C.)
Hey, it's me. The guy came back with the right part, but it didn't fit. Now I'm waiting for him to come back. Again. He said he's bringing hoagies. I got an extra one for you if you want to come by. There's nothing to do because, obviously, the power's still out. But we can sit on the steps or something. I don't know. I'm bored. Call me back. If I don't answer I'm probably outside doing a crossword puzzle or something. Although you know I hate those. So come by or don't come by. Whatever. Hey, you can have what I'm having.
Ext. Luke's diner. Night. later
LUKE is sitting on the sidewalk, leaning up against the wall of the diner. LORELAI walks up and sits down beside him.
Lorelai
What happened to the crossword?
Luke
How many rivers in the Yukon do you know?
LorelaI
Let's see, there's the...and the...So two.
Luke
Here's your hoagie. I didn't know what you liked on it, so I just got you plain.
Lorelai takes the sandwich and opens the wrapper.
LorelaI
Plain with lots of onions, peppers, and red things previously unknown to man?
Luke takes the sandwich and studies it.
Luke
Oh, he got you the wrong one.
LorelaI
No, it's all right. I like red things.
FRED, the gas company repairman walks out of the diner, toolbox in hand.
LukE
Hey! Didn't I tell you plain?
Fred
I got plain.
Luke
Well what happened to it?
Fred
I ate it.
Luke
Well what about the peppers and onions?
Fred
That was for you.
Luke
You know what, forget it.
Fred
All right. I'm all done.
Luke stands up.
LukE
Really?
Fred
Yep. I turned your main line on. Flipped your circuit breaker. You're all ready to go. Well?
Luke
Well what?
FRED
Aren't you gonna thank me?
Luke
Thank you? You've been jerking me around for three days. I've been reading Kitty Kelley here.
Luke holds up a copy of Kitty Kelley's bio of Frank Sinatra.
Fred
How'd he get Mia Farrow?
Luke
Get out of here!
Fred
All right. All right. But next time don't call me.
Luke
Don't worry.
Exit Fred. Luke and Lorelai walk into the darkened diner.
Int. Luke's diner. continuous
LUKE and LORELAI walk through the darkened diner using her cell-phone display as a flashlight. Luke finds the circuit-breaker, flips a switch, and the room lights up.
Luke
Hallelujah.
AND WE:
FADE OUT:
THE EN