The Wonderful Tale of Mary-Sue's Grace
"Oh, Mary-Sue, you look so fabulous!" Mary-Sue looked up out of her violet eyes to see her neighbours waving at her over the garden wall, the two teenage sons grinning mischievously at her beautifully tanned body as she lay sunning herself on the deckchair in the centre of the lawn. She smiled graciously at them and the hearts practically sprung out of her eyes before they went inside and she went back to admiring the skywriting above her.
Mary-Sue, we love you! it proclaimed for all to see. She smiled to herself, swinging her delicate legs over the side of the deckchair and flicking her long, blonde, astonishingly tidy hair over her shoulder, marvelling at how not one strand was out of place. She was so perfect, it was startling.
"Mary-Sue!" she heard her mother call from the kitchen. "You've got a letter!"
Probably more fan mail, Mary-Sue thought to herself, rolling her eyes fondly. The entire world was her fan base, and she received fan mail every single day; they had found themselves eating off the floor the other day because the dining table was piled high with it. Mary-Sue grimaced at that memory. Her skirt had got awfully wrinkled.
When she walked into the kitchen, she started. There was only one letter!
Oh, no! she thought desperately. What's going on? Is my hair not blonde enough? Do I flutter my eyelashes incorrectly? Is it because I haven't found my soul mate yet?
"There's also some more fan mail in the living room," her mother told her, and Mary-Sue heaved a sigh of relief. She knew there couldn't be anything wrong with her; after all, that was the whole point of her existence – to be absolutely perfect in every way, shape and form.
She slit the envelope open incredibly gracefully and unfolded the letter to see a slanted, calligraphic script shining at her in green ink. She sat down at the kitchen table, shoved aside (very gracefully) the rapidly increasing pile of fan mail and began to read.
Dear Miss Divine,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You may be surprised to receive this letter so late, but we decided to wait until you would be very conveniently in the sixth book, which the author has chosen to conveniently ignore the existence of. Enclosed is a list of the necessary school supplies which we are sure you will already have because you are a Mary-Sue and therefore extremely wealthy. We await your very rare and graceful owl with delight, and no small amount of trepidation.
Yours,
Headmaster AlbusPercival Wulfric BrianDumbledore
Mary-Sue dropped the letter. Her hands were shaking, although that might have been because it was the middle of winter and she had been sunbathing all morning (but she couldn't help that; sunbathing was any Mary-Sue's favourite hobby). She couldn't believe it – she had finally been accepted to Hogwarts!
"Mother!" she cried in sheer delight, jumping out of her chair extremely gracefully and embracing her mother serenely. "You'll never believe what's happened!"
"You've been accepted to Hogwarts just at the beginning of your sixth-year, like all Mary-Sues do?" guessed Mrs Mary-Sue. Her daughter pouted gorgeously.
"Yes." She sat down sulkily, yet delicately, and began to eat with immense grace.
&&&&&
King's Cross Station was filled with Muggles bustling past and going about their everyday business, and Mary-Sue was beginning to become very worried. She thought about chewing her lip, but decided against it, as the prospect of getting lipstick on her teeth was just too appalling for words. How on Earth would she find platform nine and three-quarters? It just couldn't possibly exist!
"Excuse me?" Mary-Sue turned gracefully around and her eyes fell on a scrawny-looking boy about her age with very scruffy, dark hair. She noted silently that he had a lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead, and recognised him as Harry Potter. She did not stare at the scar, as she was sure that he must find this very annoying at times – after all, she knew the pressures of fame only too well in the fanfiction world – and instead gazed into his vivid, green eyes. "Are you lost?"
She sighed, relieved, and smiled at him.
"Oh, thank goodness someone's here!" she gushed, falling into his arms. Harry flushed immediately and tried to hide the fact that he was rapidly becoming very aroused by the feeling of her gorgeous body next to his. He registered at once that she had a lovely figure, and cast all thoughts of Ginevra Weasley and Draco Malfoy from his mind. Why go for them when there was such a girl in the world? He smiled at Mary-Sue.
I think I'm falling in love with her, Harry thought to himself, alarmed. Mary-Sue smiled at him again, showing all her perfect, white teeth this time. They sparkled dazzlingly at him in the sunlight.
"Could you please show me how to get to platform nine and three-quarters?" asked Mary-Sue, so pleased to have finally found her soul mate, who nodded, still quite dazed at her beauty. He linked his arm in hers, albeit a tad nervously, and let her through the barrier between platforms nine and ten on to the desired platform. Mary-Sue gasped when she saw what awaited her.
Witches and wizards of all ages scurried about, parents waving goodbye to students as they boarded the train. Siblings attempted surreptitiously to board the train alongside their older brothers and sisters, but to no avail; the parents pulled them back on to the platform, berating them harshly.
"Harry?" Mary-Sue asked.
"Yes, Mary-Sue?"
Neither asked how the other knew their name.
"I think I'm going to love Hogwarts."
"Oh, Mary-Sue. I love you so much."
"Oh, I love you, Harry!" she squealed, and they kissed passionately as Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger tried to push them on to the train.
&&&&&
"Oh, Mary-Sue, I cannot be parted from you for one moment!" Harry was sobbing as they entered the Great Hall of Hogwarts that evening. Mary-Sue laid a reassuring, perfectly manicured hand on his arm, and he began to draw great, shuddering breaths as he attempted to stem the flow of tears.
"Don't worry, Harry," she said comfortingly, "I'm a Mary-Sue, and Mary-Sues are always Sorted first. It's just our way. You just have to wait for Dumbledore to introduce me with bravado and joy, and then wait for me to gracefully flounce up to the Sorting Hat and be Sorted into Gryffindor. Then we'll be together again."
"How do you know you'll be Sorted into Gryffindor?" asked Hermione, who had taken an immense liking to the girl, despite the fact that, in reality, any girl would be inordinately jealous of her. However, Mary-Sue was a Mary-Sue, and everybody loved Mary-Sues (within the confines of the Potterverse, anyways – nobody in reality liked them at all).
Mary-Sue smiled serenely.
"I just know," she said, before sweeping gracefully to the front of the Great Hall, smiling yet again as all heads swivelled to look at her.
"I love her so much!" Harry cried rapturously as he and his friends took their seats at the Gryffindor Table.
"She's so perfect," said Ron dreamily.
"I want to be just like Mary-Sue!" gushed Hermione. "I finally have found somebody else who's read 'Hogwarts: A History'!"
"She's cleverer than you, too," Ron informed her. While the canon Hermione would have been offended and outraged at such a proclamation, the Hermione in the alternative universe of Mary-Sue smiled blissfully.
"It's such an honour to be compared to Mary-Sue!"
Mary-Sue was indeed very intelligent. She had told them extremely modestly and gracefully on the train that she was an accomplished Legilimens and Occlumens, an Animagus, clairvoyant, omniscient, a warrior princess, could already Apparate (the Ministry had seen fit to give her a licence at twelve, as it was obvious that she would never make a mistake) and also had several of her portraits hanging up in the world's most well-known and expensive galleries. When they had asked her, astounded, if she meant they were portraits of her or portraits by her, she had answered, to shocked, slack-jawed expressions, "Both."
"May I have your attention please?"
Everybody tore their eyes away from Mary-Sue and looked at the headmaster, found him boring, and then looked back at Mary-Sue. The headmaster found this understandable, but thought they would be very interested in what he had to say.
"I would like to introduce the incredible, the wonderful, the graceful MARY-SUE!"
A collective cheer went up from all the House tables, and the staff all clapped very vigorously indeed. McGonagall's thin lips went thinner and Snape's sour expression remained intact, as though both were trying to stay in character, but secretly knew it was hopeless, because nobody could resist Mary-Sue.
"Thank you!" Dumbledore sat down and waited for Mary-Sue to be Sorted.
"GRYFFINDOR!" screamed the Sorting Hat, once it had got over Mary-Sue's amazing mind. The Gryffindors all cheered and the Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs started crying.
"B – b – but I wanted Mary-Sue!" they distinctly heard Cho Chang wail as Mary-Sue made her way gracefully over to the saved seat next to Harry. As she took her seat, a very bright flash went off, and she blinked, looking up at a small, blond boy holding a camera. He flushed.
"S – sorry, but …" He faltered as she held up a hand, nodding understandably.
"Don't worry," she said graciously. "It happens all the time."
Colin Creevey grinned.
&&&&&
"Mary-Sue," Harry breathed as his soul mate kissed him quickly in greeting the next morning. "I was plagued with nightmares all last night … I dreamt that your hair had become untidy … and that you broke a nail … and that you –"
A sharp squeak cut him off. He looked up to see Mary-Sue covering her ears with her hands.
"Don't!" she cried.
"Mary-Sue?"
She looked around to see a tall, blond boy with a pale, pointed face sneering at her. She blinked. He was so handsome …
No! she cried to herself at once. There is nobody more perfect than Harry – oh, but those eyes … those eyes …
"I'm going to have you arrested for stealing the stars and putting them in your eyes."
Mary-Sue flushed at once. How romantic!
"Do you believe in love at first sight?" asked the blond boy, smirking widely. "Or should I walk past again?"
Harry jumped up, ready to pummel Malfoy into next Wednesday for daring to look at his soul mate.
"I'm warning you, Malfoy –"
Mary-Sue delicately laid a hand on his arm.
"Harry, no," she soothed. Malfoy smirked. He knew she wanted to hear more.
"Hey, kitten," he purred, and the author giggled at the pun she had just oh-so-cleverly used. "How about spending some of your nine lives with me?"
"Oh, Draco!" cried Mary-Sue, falling into his embrace, realising that she had misjudged Harry and that Draco was actually her soul mate. She knew his name because she was psychic, obviously. Anyone who could speak as romantically as that just had to be her soul m-
Someone snorted in disgust.
"Is that the best you can do?" Professor Snape asked snidely. Draco glared at him. Mary-Sue gazed into his onyx eyes and smiled serenely. Was he going to use a romantic pick-up line on her? Her heart began to thud in her chest as he said, smirking, "Nice legs. What time do they open?"
The End