Untold Feelings
Summary: Set after the book The Outsiders. Ponyboy's thoughts after loosing his secret lover. I suck at summaries.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders. To be honest, I wouldn't have read the book at all if it wasn't set for English. And I personally found it kinda boring...but it's great for fan fiction! If I did own the rights and everything like that to The Outsiders, then there would be a lot more slash in it and a lot of tragedy and sex. But that's just me. That's why I don't own The Outsiders.
...My story has been told. It has to be told to other people, to get them to understand what it's like out here, to be a Greaser. Goodbye.
I put my pen down. I had finally finished writing the essay for English.
I just can't stand it. Johnny is gone. To think, I'd never see him again, never embrace him again. We had something special going on, and no one knew. Not a soul except Johnny and me. We didn't even have time to tell anyone. That's what we wanted to do, to tell everyone, together. Now, that's not going to happen.
Everyone thinks I'm okay, that I've gotten over it all. But I never would be able to get over it. I just pretend to move on with my life, when really it's at a standstill. I just can't go on like this, knowing that I'm never going to see Johnny again. Soda thinks I've gotten over Johnny's death, but I can't. He was my best friend, my lover. You can't just get over someone who means that much to you if they die.
After Johnny died, Dally went crazy. He went and got himself killed. And now I'm thinking, why can't I do something like that? At least I wouldn't have to bear living without Johnny. If I was to die, how would I go about it, anyway? I'd be scared and anyway, Soda and Darry would probably make sure I don't die. So I guess I can't go get myself killed, I'd have to do it myself.
Johnny always contemplated killing himself, because he thought no one would miss him. I kept on telling him over and over that that's not true, our whole gang would miss him. And I said that if he killed himself, then I would be lost.
And lost I am. But he didn't kill himself. I always thought that if he was to die early it would be from suicide, not under the circumstances that he died. But I guess no one thought that we would kill that Soc, Bobby, and run away to the church and set that train of events going.
I figured out my way of going. Johnny was always getting beat up by his father, and he had heaps of scars from it. Why can't I at least have a few just to show how much I care for Johnny?
I waited until both Darry and Soda were at work. I was supposed to be at school, but this was more important anyway.
I went into the bathroom, and found the razorblades. My hands were shaking so much I could barely pick one up. I had written a will and a sort of farewell note beforehand, just telling everyone why I did it.
I took the blade and turned it over into my right hand. I looked at my wrist on my left hand; and I pressed the blade of the razor against my wrist. I applied more pressure as I cut it. Taking the razor in my other, now bleeding hand, I cut my right wrist. Blood flowed out of my wrists freely and I let the razor drop to the floor.
I was dizzy at the sight of all the blood. Or maybe it was the lack of blood. All I knew as my world grew dark was that I would be free, free of the pain of loss.
Soda came home early from work that day, and he noticed that Ponyboy's school belongings were still where they were left in the morning. There was a note on the table.
Everyone,
I'm sorry I've done this, really I am. But I just can't get over Johnny's death. Me and Johnny had wanted to tell you all about us, but after Johnny died, I just couldn't. I can't bear the pain anymore. I'm sorry. Goodbye.
Ponyboy
Soda's eyes grew wide as he read the note.
"No Ponyboy, NO!" he ran around the house, looking for his brother. He can into the bathroom and almost passed out from the sight of all the blood. "NOOOO!"
Soda knelt down, picking up Ponyboy's lifeless form. Tears started flowing down his face, but he didn't notice. All he could see was Ponyboy, gone, amidst all this blood. He sat there, for hours and hours, until he felt someone behind him. He stood up and saw Darry, his face white and unmoving.
Darry just stood there, stunned. He never knew that Ponyboy would ever do such a thing. Soda stood up and collapsed against Darry, sobbing uncontrollably. Their family had lost another.