Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Bleach; though maybe it'd be fun to own Kon for a while and see what havoc he'd wreck in my life. Also, I don't own "Another Postcard" by the Barenaked Ladies. This idea popped into my head after hearing this song way too many times and I thought, "Hey! This would make an interesting story! And since I like Bleach and haven't made a Bleach story yet, this could work out quite nicely!" Anyway, this is my first Bleach story, so please enjoy.
Ichigo's Monkey Collection
By DigiScanner-Shonen
The click of the mail slot.
"Ichigo! Get the mail!"
"…Fine…" Ichigo Kurosaki growled. He hated doing the mail. He always though Karin or Yuzu should do it. Why his father always picked on him doing the mail was beyond him. He ran down the stairs and checked the mail.
Bill…jury duty…junk mail…bill…coupons…bill…a dirty magazine for the old man…
Looked like the usual mail.
But wait…
What was that?
"Oh, God…not ANOTHER ONE!" Ichigo groaned as he beheld the sight of a postcard with the cover of a chimpanzee in a rocket going to the moon, "Why doesn't this idiot leave me alone!"
"Ichigo! What are you yelling about!"
"Nothing, Dad!" Ichigo called back as he went to the kitchen and placed the mail on the table, like always. Then, he stomped up to his room, clutching the postcard with the monkey on it. "…stupid stalker person who has a thing for chimps…"
Every one is…Every one is…
Every one is addressed to meEvery one is…
Every one is…
Every one is…uh-uh…
Ichigo slammed the door to his room and opened a drawer in his desk. He took out a large pile of cards from the drawer and placed them on top of his desk. He took off the rubber band that he had fastened them with and starting looking at all of them. It was a whole collection of…
"Hey, Ichigo! What's that?"
The substitute Shinigami almost jumped when he heard Kon's voice from across the room. The stuffed lion with a Mod-Soul inside jumped off the bed and climbed up Ichigo's chair to get a better look at what he had taken out.
"Dude! It's a whole freakin' stack of monkey postcards!" Kon yelled as he saw the pile.
"Geez…you think?" Ichigo asked sarcastically as he added his new postcard to his collection.
"You gotta have like a thousand pictures of chimpanzees here!" Kon stared at Ichigo, then back at the pile with a half-embarrassed look, "I've lost almost all my respect for you just now, Kurosaki."
"It's not my fault! Some idiot keeps sending them to me and won't stop!"
"Why don't you just write to the guy and tell him to stop?"
"There's no return address on any of the postcards!" Ichigo shoved several postcards in Kon's direction, "All these postcards…it's really getting on my nerves!"
You can't imagine so many monkeys in the daily mail
And all of the coming anonymously so they leave no trail
"Is Inoue-san sending you love letters?" Kon joked.
"Eww! No! Orihime would never do something like this! And besides, they're all blank on the back."
"Hey, you're right," Kon noted as he flipped over two postcards: one with a chimpanzee typing on a computer and another of a chimpanzee cooking a banana, "This is some kind of sick joke!"
"Exactly."
"The Quincy…?"
"I know he hates me, but even Ishida would agree I don't deserve this kind of cruel and unusual punishment!" Ichigo pounded his fist on his desk.
Never thought I'd have an admirer from overseas
But somebody's sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees
"So…when did this start exactly?" Kon took another postcard of a chimpanzee playing a video game.
"Two years ago. The first one was of a chimp in the zoo," Ichigo showed Kon the picture, "It was harmless enough. I thought it was Dad playing a practical joke on me. Then another came the next day, this time of a chimp playing soccer. Then the next day was one of a chimp playing a guitar."
"What kind of others do you have?" Kon gulped, almost afraid to hear the answer.
"See for yourself…" Ichigo said as Kon slid down his arm and onto the desk where he went through all the postcards.
Some chimps in swimsuits,
Some chimps are swinging from a vine,
Some chimps in jackboots,
Some chimps that wish they could be mine,
Starsky and Hutch chimps,
A chimp who's sitting on the can,
A pair of Dutch chimps who send their love from Amsterdam
"…"
"Uh-huh," Ichigo nodded, "And that's not even one-twentieth of the way there."
"This person's a freak."
"Oh, you think? Practically everyday I've getting these stupid postcards. It makes me wanna throw up everytime a see a new chimp in the mail!"
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me
"I've managed to keep them hidden from pretty much everybody. You're the first person who's seen them, Kon."
"How would people react if they saw this?" Kon asked while he flipped through a couple postcards of monkeys watching action movies, "This could ruin your image!"
"You don't think I don't already know that! The one person I'm almost tempted to reveal them to is Chad. He likes cuddly stuff, and quite a few of these things are too cutesy for me," Ichigo tossed aside a postcard of a chimp marching off to war, "This idiot's one enjoyment must be seeing me suffer in silence because of all these postcards…"
If I had to guess, I'd say the monkey-sender thinks it's great
He's sending them (Maybe she's sending them) just to see me get irate
"What postcards?"
"WHA-!" Ichigo and Kon yelped as they turned to the window to face Rukia, the Shinigami that Ichigo was substituting for, "Don't sneak up on people like that! And where the hell'd you come from anyway?"
"Just a little walk around the neighbourhood. Gives you time to think. Now, what postcards?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Ichigo tried to shove all the postcards back in his desk, but it was too late as Rukia touched down from the window and grabbed a postcard of a monkey eating ice cream.
"…what is this?"
"It's a postcard of a chimp! What else could it be!"
"Kurosaki's been collecting them for two years!" Kon let Ichigo's secret slip out.
"Kon!"
"They look so…so…" Rukia struggled to find the right word.
"Annoying?" Ichigo tried to offer a word to convince Rukia that the whole thing was stupid.
"…cute."
"Wha---t?"
"You think so, too, Sister Rukia?" Kon wondered, "Then we have a common interest! Let's look at them together!"
"Shut up!" Ichigo grabbed Kon and threw him to the other side of the room hard; "These things have ruined my life enough! You have no idea what these things have done to me!"
I'm losing sleep, and it's sure to keep me up all night
I thought it was funny, but now I got money on a monkey fight
"Couldn't have been that bad if you're still collecting them…" Kon muttered as he got up from the other side and started walking back to Ichigo's desk.
"Mind if I take a look?" Rukia asked.
"You already know, be my guest," Ichigo mumbled.
Rukia picked up a few of the postcards and reviewed them, placing the one she just looked at at the back. In this order, she found:
Some chimps in hard hats,
Chimps a-working on the chain gang,
Some chimps who love cats,
Burnin' rubber in the Mustang,
A birthday-wishin' chimp,
A chimp who's black like a Goth,
A "Goin' Fishin'" chimp,
A British chimp in the bath
"What is the purpose of collecting these things?" Rukia put them back on the desk after taking a new batch of postcards.
"It's called a hobby. You do it for fun," Ichigo grabbed some postcards that he had scattered onto the floor when Rukia startled him.
"So…you enjoy collecting these pieces of paper with pictures of monkeys?"
"NO! I hate it!" Ichigo shoved twenty postcards into the drawer, "It's the most stupid hobby out there!"
"So why do you still collect them?"
Ichigo stopped for a moment and thought about it.
"It's 'cause you think it's fun, right?" Kon got up onto the chair and grabbed a postcard of a monkey getting dressed.
"…no."
"You're lying!"
"No, I'm NOT!"
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me"The monkeys are cute, but they could never compare to bunnies," Rukia said as she took a postcard of a monkey dressed up as a bunny for Halloween.
"I can't take it anymore! I don't want to see another postcard with a chimp on it for the rest of my life!" Ichigo clenched his fists.
"If this guy knows where you live, why not just move? He'd never find you and never send you another monkey postcard! Problem solved!" Kon suggested.
"We moved last year. And the moron still knows where I live. These things are like boomerangs."
"How so? They look nothing like boom-er-rangs," Rukia questioned as she placed a postcard back on the desk of a chimp throwing a boomerang.
"I've tried crumpling them up and tossing them away. I've tried mailing them to other people. I've tried burning them with lighters. But for every postcard I get rid of, seven more take its place!"
So they follow me, even though I've had to move my home
No matter what, they come and they come
They won't leave me alone
"Dude, you got some serious monkey problems," Kon looked over a postcard of a monkey dressed like Neo from 'The Matrix'.
"You don't know how much I'd LOVE to get these monkeys off my back. I swear, I see one more monkey in the mail and I'm gonna lose it."
"Hey, Ichigo!" Yuzu knocked on the door, "You forgot something in the mail!"
"Give me a minute, Yuzu!" Ichigo called back as he scrambled to hide Rukia, Kon and the chimpanzee postcards. In less than a moment, Rukia was hiding in Ichigo's closet; Kon was hidden under Ichigo's pillow and all the monkey postcards were back in Ichigo's desk drawer. "Okay, you can come in."
"Ichigo, who were you talking to?" Yuzu asked as she entered the room.
"Nobody! I just…talk to myself sometimes. It…helps me…calm down after…a long day…" Ichigo bluffed.
"Sometimes you're so weird, big brother."
"Yeah, so I hear," Ichigo laughed nervously, "Now, what did I forget in the mail?"
He hoped to God it wasn't another postcard of a chimpanzee.
"Here you go," Yuzu handed him a piece of paper, "It's some kind of postcard, I think. Nothing was written on the back. No return address, no message, nothing."
Another monkey in the mail could make me lose my mind
But look at me shovelling through the stacks until I finally find…
Ichigo's eyes widened in horror as he beheld the image of two chimps duelling with red and green lightsabres.
"Anyway, there you go. I gotta get back downstairs and start dinner. See you!" Yuzu left the room and shut the door behind her.
"Is it safe to come out now?" Rukia's muffled voice came from behind Ichigo's closet door.
"Yeah, man. I'm just lucky she didn't find me! I don't think I could go through being her stuffed animal again!" Kon added as he gasped for breath after crawling out from under the pillow, "Sister! The coast is clear!"
"Good. Now, what did you get?" she asked as she went over to Ichigo, who was standing in the middle of the room; clutching the postcard, trembling like a madman and his eyes wide.
"C'mon! Spill! What'd you get?"
Ichigo's usually scowling face was now cracking into a smile and he was starting to laugh. Softly at first, but then growing louder.
"It's a monkey…" he laughed, "It's a Star Wars monkey…"
"'Star Wars'?" Rukia asked.
"It's two monkeys. Now added to my collection of a thousand monkeys. Let's go say 'Hi' to them, okay?" Ichigo went over to his desk and laid out all his postcards of chimpanzees. "Look at all the monkeys. They have two new friends. Everybody say 'Hi, New Monkeys!'"
"Kurosaki…?" Kon asked nervously.
"All these monkeys," Ichigo laughed, "All my monkeys. Look at all these monkeys…"
Some chimps in swimsuits,
Some chimps in jackboots,
Some chimps in hard hats,
Some chimps who love cats,
I got some shaved chimps,
That's chimps devoid of any hair
I got the girly chimps
Dressed up in the women's underwear
"Oh no…" Kon realised what had happened to Ichigo at that moment.
"What? He's enjoying his hobby," Rukia said.
"You don't get it, Sister. He just went off the deep end. That last postcard was the last straw. He's finally done it. He's gone crazy."
"What? Ichigo's…gone crazy?"
"Ooh ooh ooh…ah ah ah…ooh ooh ah ah…ee ee…" Ichigo started scratching himself. He leapt off his desk and started roaming the room on his hands and feet, "Ichigo wants a banana…ooh ooh…ah ah…"
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me
"This isn't good! In his condition, when the next Hollow appears, he's doomed!" Rukia realised.
"Exactly!" Kon added.
"Well, we have to get him back to normal!"
"What do you suggest then?" Kon stepped to the side as Ichigo passed him, looking for a banana, "Smacking him on the head?"
"No! It might cause long-term brain damage."
"As if the chimpanzees already didn't! We need to come up with something!"
"Give me a minute! I'm thinking, I'm thinking…"
Every one is, every one is…
Every one is addressed to me
Every one is, every one is…
Every one is addressed to me
"He he…ooh aah…where's the banana?" Ichigo started searching up and down Rukia for a banana. Of course, when he got too close to Rukia's chest, she slapped him silly.
"I take over for him!" Kon suggested, "Put me in his body!"
"But what about his soul?" Rukia asked, "We can't just let him run rampant as a Shinigami! He'd disgrace us all!"
"Can't you stick him in a Gi-whatever?"
"A Gigai?"
"Yeah!"
"If you haven't noticed, we don't have one handy!"
"Well, put him in a stuffed animal like you did with me!"
"Maybe…but which one?"
"A monkey one! Let's let him think he's a monkey for a while, and when he snaps out of it, we'll put him back in his own body."
"All right! Go find a stuffed monkey!" Rukia commanded as she found her glove which allowed her to exorcise souls.
"Roger!" Kon saluted before rushing off to Yuzu's room and coming back a minute later with a stuffed monkey.
"Perfect! Now, I'm sorry, Ichigo…" Rukia said as she put on her glove and forced Ichigo's soul out of his body. Not missing a moment, she performed a temporary spell that placed Ichigo's body into the stuffed monkey for two hours.
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me"Ichigo! Dinner is ready!" Yuzu called into Ichigo's room.
"Hurry up! Do me! Do me!" Kon screamed as Rukia picked him up and exorcised him into his true form, a small pill. She placed him into Ichigo's body's mouth and made him swallow. In a moment, Kon inhabited Ichigo's body.
"Man, that was close," Kon said in Ichigo's voice as he picked himself up off the ground and headed to the door, "I'm coming, Yuzu!"
"Wait, what about Ichigo?" Rukia asked as she held up Monkey-Ichigo, who was singing a song about bananas for no apparent reason.
"Just keep him in the room until I get back! I'll bring some dinner and bananas in a couple minutes!" Kon/Ichigo answered.
"Did somebody say bananas? Ooh ooh, ah ah, ee ee!" Monkey-Ichigo asked.
"Keep quiet!" Rukia said as she shut the door and the open window to make sure he couldn't escape.
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me
About ten minutes later, Kon/Ichigo came back with a bowl of rice and vegetables in one hand and a bunch of bananas in the other.
"You wouldn't believe what I had to do to make sure I could bring bananas up here," Kon/Ichigo said as he broke off a banana and handed it to Monkey-Ichigo, who began to eat it like a monkey, "Has he been any trouble?"
A tired Rukia who looked like she would fall asleep soon in the middle of Ichigo's trashed room looked back at Kon/Ichigo. "From the appearance of this room, what do you think?"
"Ah…" Kon/Ichigo responded as he handed Rukia the bowl of dinner, "Do you really think two hours will be enough for Ichigo to get back to sanity?"
"I hope so."
"More bananas for the monkey! Ooh ah eek!" Monkey-Ichigo said as Kon/Ichigo let him have the rest of the bananas.
"So, what do you want to do while we wait for him to regain sanity?"
"I was hoping to finish looking at all his postcards with the cute monkeys. Especially the one with the monkey in the bunny suit."
"Sure. I'm bored enough. Hey, Mr. Monkey-man! Wanna look at some other monkeys?"
"More monkeys! Eek! Friends for Ichigo to play with! Ooh ah ah!" Monkey-Ichigo cheered as he climbed to the top of the desk where he had left all the postcards. Kon/Ichigo moved all the postcards to the floor and sat down beside Rukia and Monkey-Ichigo.
They looked at all the chimpanzee postcards Ichigo had collected for two years for the rest of the night undisturbed.
Another postcard with chimpanzees
(Some chimps in swimsuits, some chimps in jackboots)
(Some chimps in hard hats, some chimps who love cats)
And every one is addressed to me
(I got some shaved chimps, that's chimps devoid of any hair)
(I got the girl chimps dressed up in the women's underwear)
Another postcard with chimpanzees
(Starsky and Hutch chimps, a chimp who's sitting on the can)
(A pair of Dutch chimps who send their love from Amsterdam)
And everyone is addressed to me
(Some chimps in Mustangs, some chimps in chain gangs)
(I got a birthday-wishin' chimp and a "Got to Go A-Fishin'" chimp…)
And by the time tomorrow came around, Ichigo had regained sanity in the early hours of the morning and gotten out of Yuzu's stuffed monkey form. Though he had to question why the animal was stained with bananas, why Kon had his arm around Rukia in Ichigo's body when the two of them were still asleep, why Ichigo was in his Shinigami form and why he felt stuffed. He looked around the room and saw all the postcards of the monkeys he collected.
Then he remembered what happened.
He had shown Kon and Rukia his chimp postcard collection. He went crazy when Yuzu handed him yet another chimp postcard. He behaved like a monkey for much of the night after he got the postcard. Rukia and Kon had to transfer him to a safer body so he wouldn't get loose. He had eaten a lot of bananas.
He, Ichigo Kurosaki, however brief, became a monkey.
He gathered up all the postcards, put them together in a neat pile and put them back into his desk. He swore never to let this get out to anyone outside of himself, Rukia and Kon. He shook his head, trying to forget the whole thing, but his mind wouldn't let him.
Stupid stalker person…
Ichigo hoped that one day he'd find out who that person who sent him the postcards was.
And then stand by and let him get eaten by a Hollow.
Ichigo decided to let Kon and Rukia sleep a bit more since the sun was just beginning to rise. He slipped out of his room quietly and went downstairs to check on what he could have for breakfast when he reclaimed his body.
He really, really hoped they had bananas.
THE ENDSo…funny? Stupid? Somewhere in the middle? Why not drop a couple of reviews and tell me what you thought of this. It's the only way I'll ever learn. And check out some of my other stories while you're at it!