Authors Note:
Hi! I have been reading lots of LTiH fanfiction for the past year and I cannot get enough of it! It's great that series 3 is finally here but what that also means is less LTiH fanfiction because we're all re-watching each and every Caroline and Kate scene to death (and haven't we been lucky this series!?). Anyway, I've been wanting to have a go for a while but been too scared (seriously, lots of your stories really are fantastic!) but I've finally just gone for it. I've never written any fanfiction ever before so this is a first for me and it's actually been quite fun. I don't know where this is going to go but we shall see. Leave a review!
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Brava to Sally Wainright. I'm just playing with them.
All of Me
It was the Dr. inside of her.
"Why on earth do you need to go and do this bloody P.D.H rubbish whatever it is? You've just spent four years at the place!"
"Unfortunately, four years at Oxford didn't cover everything I wanted addressing. I have questions that I'd like answered and this is the best way to go about it."
"Well, why do you need to go and be a Doctor?! Oh, Caroline. What are people going to think? Isn't it time you came home and did something? All this studying and I have no idea what it's going to do for you. You do know it's because I care for you, love. That's my only worry."
"Look, Mum, I don't expect you to understand why I'm doing it but it's done. I've sent my thesis off. So there's no point in going on about it any more. And anyway, I'm still going to be doing something. I'm tutoring a few A-Level students. Let's just enjoy the rest of the summer. "
"Right. Are you growing your hair back then?"
"I don't know, probably."
"Anyway, what's all of this nonsense on TV then? What? You hear that? That bloke, there, right… took on a child that wasn't his and pretended all that while. You know… I'll never understand how they can go on like they'll love them like their own. It's a load of rubbish. I could never love anyone like I love you, my own flesh and blood. You're the thing that's kept me going all these years."
"Caroline, it's ridiculous how much we're wasting on running that car! It eats up diesel like no tomorrow! My car is going to be fine for Flora and I. Thank you. It's you who needs to consider downgrading, never mind getting something bigger."
Hormones were everywhere right now and Caroline wasn't one to back down from confrontation but for Kate, she could let this slide.
"I know, Kate, I know but you needn't worry. It's not like I, we, can't afford it and I don't want you traipsing round cooped up in a car too small." Babies travel big. She'd thought better of that remark though.
"But that isn't the point!? We don't need a car that big. I wish you'd understand sometimes, Caroline!"
She'd only considered getting a bigger model for Kate to use. She had no idea how they'd ended up shopping for a smaller car for her. Caroline's car was perfect, but if it kept Kate happy, it was worth it. Of course she'd been greeted by a largely pubescent team working on commission who only wanted her to upgrade. The boy couldn't have been older than 18 years old himself, had insisted that the new Jeep Renegade was what Caroline needed. He'd bombarded her with details of the Renegades superior approach angle, break over angle and departure angle. What he hadn't prepared for was Caroline's pitch for her treasured Cherokee.
''That's all very well but I know my Jeep Cherokee has much more hip and shoulder room for me. Much more legroom for my passengers and with a growing family that's what I need. So, thank you for your advice but we've made our decision. Are you ready to leave, Kate?"
Caroline had already started heading towards the exit leaving a dumbfounded Kate stood still with an apologetic,
"Maybe next time!"
By the time Kate had reached the car park, Caroline was already in the car.
"In her Jeep. Her Jeep Cherokee. In her beloved Jeep Cherokee." Kate thought.
Caroline could see Kate from the far corner of the car park, you couldn't miss her. She made her way round to open the passenger door giving her ample time to appreciate its beautiful interior.
"Cold, isn't it? We should have brought your coat. Don't want you getting cold." Still admiring that lovely leather seating.
A hardly audible "Mm. Thank you." was all Kate could manage as she took the car door into her own hands, slamming it shut.
Caroline stood and was seconds away from screaming "That's my car!" but took a deep breath and smiled as she made her way back round.
It was a silent first few miles.
"The nursery looks nice, doesn't it? I was thinking the other day, I'm so glad we went with your choice of Melba Matte. It won't be long until it's all finished. Soon as the furniture arrives… Few surprises in there too that I've ordered but you'll see when they're here. It's going to be perfect for her. I'm having so much more fun with this than I did the boys, it's odd. It felt like a task but I guess that had a lot to do with Joh-''
"You can turn the ridiculous heated seating off, I don't need it and it's not making a blind bit of difference. I'm glad you're in such high spirits after were you unbelievably rude in there. You didn't even look properly at the smaller models! It was either too small, not right, don't like the colour or no bloody rear back up camera!"
"OK, Kate-"Caroline tried explaining but Kate wasn't to be interrupted.
"Then you announce we've made our decision! That's your problem, Caroline. You make all of these decisions without consulting me, even when I'm there. It's not about you, it's about our child! And if you can't see that, well, I don't know why we're bothering!"
It was something that Caroline couldn't get used to and probably wouldn't ever get used to. It went against everything she'd ever known, clung on to for the past 26 years and she wasn't sure whether she was willing to adjust, not for herself, not for Kate. That was the thing with Caroline. She had to scrutinize, investigate, analyse, and study everything before making any decision. And she wasn't going to share this or deliberate with anyone else.
Ever since she was a child she'd kept her toys to herself, her homework queries to herself, and her feelings to herself.
''Don't want folk thinking you're gloating, dear!"
''For god's sake don't tell your father!''
''You mad old dyke!''
Yes. Her previous track record of sharing things with others (with the exception of Kate) had simply made her vulnerable. Exposed.
She had often thought it had been part of her design, part of her mother's plan to make sure she was never as vulnerable as her.
She just couldn't get her head round it. One thing that science couldn't explain. That urge to give herself so freely to anyone or anything.
She'd had it with William and Lawrence, of course she had. They were her children. Her own flesh and blood. She'd do anything for them. That's why she hadn't been keen when Kate had started talking about babies. Yes, it was because it could put Kate in danger, it was because she didn't want to see Kate get hurt, it was because she was 46 for goodness sake and it was because she didn't think she wanted children now… but what if she couldn't love it like her own? She'd been a good Mum, yes, she'd made a few mistakes, but could she do the same with a child that wasn't hers? Caroline knew she could be selfish and hopeless and maybe this was just too much. So, that was the decision Caroline made when Kate left her at the hotel all those months ago. She was inept and that was her conclusion.
Until Kate had told her she was pregnant.
There it had been.
The maternal urge. The realisation that she wasn't going to raise a life growing inside someone she loved so dearly. That protective instinct that had drove her all the way to the hospital. That Kate was going to birth a beautiful baby alone. That they'd both be alone that Christmas. That Caroline wasn't going to have anything to do with a child that she loved as her own.
And so that sensation, that urge returned. But Caroline couldn't put that into words, couldn't share that. So she drove on, because that what she thought best. That was her decision.
They had hardly spoken a word all night, only necessities in front of Lawrence.
Kate was already in bed, glasses on, engrossed in baby birthing book number five of her third trimester.
'I've brought you some water. I'll just put it here.'
She dried up again. Caroline stood looking from alarm clock to water hoping that with time they'd miraculously give her the courage to say what she needed to say.
"OK, I'm going to sleep so please don't stay up on your iPad too long."
All of a sudden, Caroline felt the cold.
''I just, I…" Caroline looked away.
Kate had already seen her well up. Caroline didn't cry. The only time Kate had saw Caroline cry was before the wedding and when she'd arrived at Caroline's with Celia.
Kate raised her eyebrows. She wasn't going to be fooled, not if this was about the Jeep.
"What's the matter?"
She'd hardly touched Kate all night, and recently her touch was the only thing that steadied her, calmed her. She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed next to Kate. Tentatively, she placed her hand on Kate's tummy.
"I just want what's best for the baby."
Kate didn't take her gaze off Caroline's hand.
"I'm sorry if I blind sided you with all the stuff about the cars. I just panicked and you know how I am with my car. So I'm sorry, really Kate. I am sorry."
Then it appeared. That same honesty she'd received on Christmas Eve.
Silence. Caroline didn't know whether this was good or bad.
"Well, maybe Debussy preludes and Prince do sound much better on the Alpine Premium sound system." Kate smiled placing her hand over Caroline's.
"No. I'm sorry too. I over reacted." Kate looked up with a delicious smirk, stroking Caroline's cheek with her other hand.
Caroline took Kate in her arms, lightly kissing the back of her neck.
"So, we get to keep the Jeep?'' Caroline whispered, smiling gently into Kate's ear.
"You get to have whatever you want tonight." Kate answered with a mischievous grin.