Disclaimer : I don't own any of this. All characters belong to the
wonderfully talented J.K. Rowling , my hat is off to her. The song is
credited to Meatloaf.
Hermione Granger sat at the kitchen table, in her small London flat, slowly sipping a cup of hot tea. Having graduated from Hogwarts 5 years prior she was certainly no longer the bushy haired Gryffindor know-it-all. She stood taller now around 5'6", a slim girl with just the right curves, the long bushy hair she once had was no more, instead a silky mane of long curls flowing down her back took its' place. Yes womanhood had been kind to Miss. Granger.
Hermione stared at the steam rising from the cup, though not really seeing it. Slowly she thought back, how things could have been different 'if only'. Yes, 'if only' seemed to come into her thoughts often now a days. Voldemort had been defeated in her last year of school. Harry had stood against him alone, and yet he had defeated the most powerful wizard in the world, for good. The entire wizarding world celebrated for what seemed like months. In reality it had been a week, but to her, who had lost so much, the celebration seemed to go on forever. Hermione's parents had been murdered that year, by death eaters who were searching for her. When they could not find her, they took it out on her parents. It still pained her to think about it. Ron had been one of the many lost in the final battle. Others included Dean Thomas, Padma Patil, Ernie McMillian, Hanna Abbot, Victor Krum and countless other Wizarding Alumni. It amazed Hermione how Harry could continue to celebrate, though she knew he was quietly hurting as well.
That's when Severus came into her life. Well, not really, he had been her professor for seven years. Though not once had she ever thought of him as anything other than that. Though, while hiding from the celebration she began to see him differently. They both grieved, her for her friends and family whom had lost their lives, him for the life he had chosen. They became involved that first night after the battle, and were together for 2 years, half of which they had been engaged. Then she told him she loved him. It ended not long after. He could not love her, he was incapable of loving anything but a memory.
'NO! I will not think of this today' she thought. At that moment the clock struck twelve. 'Ahh, Christmas'. Just as the clock had finished chiming there was a sudden pounding on her door. Quickly she grabbed her wand and moved into the parlor and peered out. There standing soaking wet, shin deep in snow was the man who introduced her to the world. Severus Snape stood on her doorstep. Wordlessly she ushered him in.
****Baby we can talk all night But that ain't getting us nowhere I told you everything I possibly can There's nothing left inside of here ****
'What are you doing here Severus?' she replied, not about to admit that she had spent every day since he left hoping for him to come to her. Wishing he could tell her he loved her. 'I missed you' he replied slightly shivering from cold. Hermione shook her head slightly. He always had been one to know exactly what to say. Noticing his shaking she retrieved a cloak from the closet along with a pair of trousers and an old white shirt. He took them from her and silently went towards the loo. So he still knows his way around then, she thought. The clothes had been ones left here, in her flight to leave him. She knew he realized that they had been his, many times she meant to return them, but didn't get around to it. So when she was feeling particularly lonely she would lie wrapped up in his cloak imagining she could still smell him.
Severus returned placing his clothes on the chair, neatly folded. A drying spell hadn't occurred to her, but he must have used one, then why bother to change? 'I had wondered what happened to this cloak' he said. 'They've been here all along, you would know if you had bothered to check' she replied. 'Hermione I meant what I said earlier, I miss you'. A silent tear streaked down her cheek, and she looked out through the window, where the snow continued to fall. 'No you don't' she answered. ' you don't love me, how could you miss me' 'Your right, I don't love you but I do miss you'. She looked back at him, the rage at his blatant disregard for how she felt must have shown on her face. 'Do not be insulted, I simply do not love you, I want and need you to be with me, is it so awful that I cannot love you?'
****And maybe you can cry all night But that'll never change the way that I feel The snow is really piling up outside I wish you wouldn't make me leave here ****
'How dare you! How dare you come into my house on Christmas day to remind me of everything I have worked so hard to forget. I will not be your mistress anymore Snape. I want more, I deserve more.' She fumed. 'Hermione you told me once that you loved me, I know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you' he replied calmly.' 'Love is reciprocal Snape' she spat. 'Without fuel love withers and dies'. He stood and crossed the room to wear she was standing. 'Are you telling me you no longer love me?' 'That's exactly what I'm telling you' she lied. Oh she lied through her teeth. She could not, would not let herself return to a relationship where she was not loved, she deserved to be loved, didn't she?' 'You always were a bad liar Hermione. I cannot tell you how much I regret the day you left, how long I've wanted to hold you again, but what I feel has not changed, I gave my heart away long ago and you knew that when this began.' he stated.
****I poured it on and I poured it out I tried to show you just how much I care I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout But you've been cold to me so long I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you I need you But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad ****
'I was naive to think that I could bring you back to the present, if I had realized then that you would continue to let your heart dwell in the past with a woman who has been dead for twenty years I would have walked away that first night.' she said, with less malice than she would have like. 'You could not change me then Hermione and you can not change me now. I gave you all I had to give, my heart hasn't been mine to give for a long time. I'll never be able to love you'
****You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach You'll never drill for oil on a city street I know you're looking for a ruby In a mountain of rocks But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding At the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.
I can't lie I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not No matter how I try I'll never be able to give you something
Something that I just haven't got ****
'Severus! You can not live in the past. Lily was not in love with you. She left you for James, and then she died. She did the exact same thing to you that you are doing to me. Do you realize that? Don't you remember how it feels not to have your love returned? To realize the one you love doesn't love you?' She choked out.
'Hermione you have no idea what you speak of' he spat. 'Do not talk of things that don't concern you'. 'It does so concern me when the memory of a love that didn't exist is keeping you from me!' 'Hermione you are the one keeping yourself away, I have already asked you to return to me.' 'How could I do that Severus? When you are in love with a ghost?!' 'You can not help who you love, and I will always love her' he replied, beginning to realize she may not be coming back to him.
****There's only one girl that I have ever loved And that was so many years ago And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart She never loved me back, ooh I know I remember how she left me on a stormy night She kissed me and got out of our bed And though I pleaded and I begged her Not to walk out that door She packed her bags and turned right away ****
'How can you do this Severus? Don't you see this is exactly what she did to you? She never loved you, yet you loved her. Don't you see history repeating itself?'
****And she kept on telling me She kept on telling me She kept on telling me I want you I need you But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad I want you I need you But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad Don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad ****
'Severus, I want to be loved. I want to feel like I matter. If you can't love me then get out. Get out and don't you dare come back.' She sobbed. He wanted to go to her, to tell her he loved her, but it was a lie and he would not lie to her. He needed to feel another human against him again, but would not lie to do it. She was an amazing person, but he could not love her, he would always love Lily. He walked to the door, turned back once, as he was about to step out, ' goodbye Hermione'. And then he was gone. It was over, and there was no chance of him coming back.
****Baby we can talk all night But that ain't getting us nowhere****
Hermione Granger sat at the kitchen table, in her small London flat, slowly sipping a cup of hot tea. Having graduated from Hogwarts 5 years prior she was certainly no longer the bushy haired Gryffindor know-it-all. She stood taller now around 5'6", a slim girl with just the right curves, the long bushy hair she once had was no more, instead a silky mane of long curls flowing down her back took its' place. Yes womanhood had been kind to Miss. Granger.
Hermione stared at the steam rising from the cup, though not really seeing it. Slowly she thought back, how things could have been different 'if only'. Yes, 'if only' seemed to come into her thoughts often now a days. Voldemort had been defeated in her last year of school. Harry had stood against him alone, and yet he had defeated the most powerful wizard in the world, for good. The entire wizarding world celebrated for what seemed like months. In reality it had been a week, but to her, who had lost so much, the celebration seemed to go on forever. Hermione's parents had been murdered that year, by death eaters who were searching for her. When they could not find her, they took it out on her parents. It still pained her to think about it. Ron had been one of the many lost in the final battle. Others included Dean Thomas, Padma Patil, Ernie McMillian, Hanna Abbot, Victor Krum and countless other Wizarding Alumni. It amazed Hermione how Harry could continue to celebrate, though she knew he was quietly hurting as well.
That's when Severus came into her life. Well, not really, he had been her professor for seven years. Though not once had she ever thought of him as anything other than that. Though, while hiding from the celebration she began to see him differently. They both grieved, her for her friends and family whom had lost their lives, him for the life he had chosen. They became involved that first night after the battle, and were together for 2 years, half of which they had been engaged. Then she told him she loved him. It ended not long after. He could not love her, he was incapable of loving anything but a memory.
'NO! I will not think of this today' she thought. At that moment the clock struck twelve. 'Ahh, Christmas'. Just as the clock had finished chiming there was a sudden pounding on her door. Quickly she grabbed her wand and moved into the parlor and peered out. There standing soaking wet, shin deep in snow was the man who introduced her to the world. Severus Snape stood on her doorstep. Wordlessly she ushered him in.
****Baby we can talk all night But that ain't getting us nowhere I told you everything I possibly can There's nothing left inside of here ****
'What are you doing here Severus?' she replied, not about to admit that she had spent every day since he left hoping for him to come to her. Wishing he could tell her he loved her. 'I missed you' he replied slightly shivering from cold. Hermione shook her head slightly. He always had been one to know exactly what to say. Noticing his shaking she retrieved a cloak from the closet along with a pair of trousers and an old white shirt. He took them from her and silently went towards the loo. So he still knows his way around then, she thought. The clothes had been ones left here, in her flight to leave him. She knew he realized that they had been his, many times she meant to return them, but didn't get around to it. So when she was feeling particularly lonely she would lie wrapped up in his cloak imagining she could still smell him.
Severus returned placing his clothes on the chair, neatly folded. A drying spell hadn't occurred to her, but he must have used one, then why bother to change? 'I had wondered what happened to this cloak' he said. 'They've been here all along, you would know if you had bothered to check' she replied. 'Hermione I meant what I said earlier, I miss you'. A silent tear streaked down her cheek, and she looked out through the window, where the snow continued to fall. 'No you don't' she answered. ' you don't love me, how could you miss me' 'Your right, I don't love you but I do miss you'. She looked back at him, the rage at his blatant disregard for how she felt must have shown on her face. 'Do not be insulted, I simply do not love you, I want and need you to be with me, is it so awful that I cannot love you?'
****And maybe you can cry all night But that'll never change the way that I feel The snow is really piling up outside I wish you wouldn't make me leave here ****
'How dare you! How dare you come into my house on Christmas day to remind me of everything I have worked so hard to forget. I will not be your mistress anymore Snape. I want more, I deserve more.' She fumed. 'Hermione you told me once that you loved me, I know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you' he replied calmly.' 'Love is reciprocal Snape' she spat. 'Without fuel love withers and dies'. He stood and crossed the room to wear she was standing. 'Are you telling me you no longer love me?' 'That's exactly what I'm telling you' she lied. Oh she lied through her teeth. She could not, would not let herself return to a relationship where she was not loved, she deserved to be loved, didn't she?' 'You always were a bad liar Hermione. I cannot tell you how much I regret the day you left, how long I've wanted to hold you again, but what I feel has not changed, I gave my heart away long ago and you knew that when this began.' he stated.
****I poured it on and I poured it out I tried to show you just how much I care I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout But you've been cold to me so long I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you I need you But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad ****
'I was naive to think that I could bring you back to the present, if I had realized then that you would continue to let your heart dwell in the past with a woman who has been dead for twenty years I would have walked away that first night.' she said, with less malice than she would have like. 'You could not change me then Hermione and you can not change me now. I gave you all I had to give, my heart hasn't been mine to give for a long time. I'll never be able to love you'
****You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach You'll never drill for oil on a city street I know you're looking for a ruby In a mountain of rocks But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding At the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.
I can't lie I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not No matter how I try I'll never be able to give you something
Something that I just haven't got ****
'Severus! You can not live in the past. Lily was not in love with you. She left you for James, and then she died. She did the exact same thing to you that you are doing to me. Do you realize that? Don't you remember how it feels not to have your love returned? To realize the one you love doesn't love you?' She choked out.
'Hermione you have no idea what you speak of' he spat. 'Do not talk of things that don't concern you'. 'It does so concern me when the memory of a love that didn't exist is keeping you from me!' 'Hermione you are the one keeping yourself away, I have already asked you to return to me.' 'How could I do that Severus? When you are in love with a ghost?!' 'You can not help who you love, and I will always love her' he replied, beginning to realize she may not be coming back to him.
****There's only one girl that I have ever loved And that was so many years ago And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart She never loved me back, ooh I know I remember how she left me on a stormy night She kissed me and got out of our bed And though I pleaded and I begged her Not to walk out that door She packed her bags and turned right away ****
'How can you do this Severus? Don't you see this is exactly what she did to you? She never loved you, yet you loved her. Don't you see history repeating itself?'
****And she kept on telling me She kept on telling me She kept on telling me I want you I need you But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad I want you I need you But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad Don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad ****
'Severus, I want to be loved. I want to feel like I matter. If you can't love me then get out. Get out and don't you dare come back.' She sobbed. He wanted to go to her, to tell her he loved her, but it was a lie and he would not lie to her. He needed to feel another human against him again, but would not lie to do it. She was an amazing person, but he could not love her, he would always love Lily. He walked to the door, turned back once, as he was about to step out, ' goodbye Hermione'. And then he was gone. It was over, and there was no chance of him coming back.
****Baby we can talk all night But that ain't getting us nowhere****