She had waited until she could no longer hear the footsteps until she let the tears fall freely. She pulled the- her- his- jacket more tightly around her, hoping to find some comfort from the action. It only made the pain all the more real.

While she had never said so before, much to her regret now, she really did care about Finn Hudson. She knows she'll have no problem admitting that now to herself or to anyone who would listen. But now she knows that it's too late. The one person she really wants to hear her say it can't. He can't hear anything anymore.

She wasn't exactly a nice person but usually she had no problem admitting when she cared about someone. However, her and Finn's friendship, when not outright questioned, was often strained. Much of it was because of her. Another thing she has to add to the list of her regrets.

The first time was when Santana told Rachel that Finn lied about her taking his virginity in their first year in Glee. When she had told Rachel, her intentions were mixed. She genuinely liked to mess with Rachel in any way she could. Santana couldn't stand the diva then and even though she and her were now roommates, Rachel still had her moments. Telling Rachel that the love of her life had lied to her and had given her number one enemy something that he could never get back, it just all fit.

Her other intention was also genuine, but in a more positive sense. At the time, the heartless Santana Lopez had genuinely cared about Finn Hudson. That concept may seem impossible to believe but hey, the fact that Finn would die at 19 years old seemed impossible to her too.

She did want to help Finn get his reputation back and she wasn't lying when she suggested that he tell people. She knew it would score him points with the football team and boost his confidence overall so how couldn't it? That and Santana didn't think that Rachel was good for Finn. Finn was too naive and too nice for someone as ambitious and as dedicated as Rachel. She had no doubt that Finn would somehow get hurt by Rachel somehow as she tried to be on top.

Now Santana didn't think that she could be better than Rachel or good for Finn. She did however toy with the thought. For a while she had an... interest with Finn and thought that they could become a couple. But no he had went to Quinn then back to Rachel while Santana went to Same and then was honest to Brittany and most importantly, herself.

The second situation was a little more serious.

While Santana was honest with herself about her sexuality, she wasn't ready to go public with it. On the outside she was a bitch who didn't care what people said about her and was known for her ability to tear anyone down with just a couple of sentences. But the truth is that she was scared. She didn't want to be teased and judged like Kurt was to the point where she would be forced to be moved schools. So she used her best defense mechanism. She lashed out at any and every one.

She wasn't sure why Finn seemed to be her biggest target. Maybe because she knew it would be easy to get to him, to see someone else suffer. Maybe it was because that in a way, she blamed Finn for her current predicament. It was an odd way of thinking but it's how she thought. In her mind, if Finn had taken interest in her, the same interest she had in him, they could have been together and who knows, maybe he was the one for her. The fact that he didn't give her the chance made her resent him in a way.

Finn, in retaliation had called her out. Nobody ever gave Finn for credit for being smart (one more regret) but maybe they should have. He had understood her in a way that no one else had. Even more so, he had the balls to call her out, publicly on it. She was scared and pissed about it at first and she took it out on him by slapping him after The Troubletones' mash-up. He could have gotten her suspended, taking her out of the Sectionals competition which meant the New Directions would win. But no. He had come up with that pathetic stage slap lie so he could try and help her. Because he cared.

He had arranged that entire Glee lesson dedicated to her and even when she shot it down multiple times, he never gave up on her. That was when she realized how great of a person Finn Hudson actually was. Whenever she had doubted herself on anything, she found herself repeating his words to herself. Not Brittany's.

His.

"But the truth is, I think you're awesome. And when you hide who you are, I feel like you hide part of that awesomeness with it."

Her tears began fresh again as she started replaying this all in her head. Throughout that entire week, her biggest realization was that she knew Finn was an amazing person and that he thought she was too. And that he cared about her. Truly cared about her.

"I don't want you to die.- Look. You were my first. That means something to me. You, mean something to me. If something ever were to happen to you and I didn't do everything that I could to try and stop it, I'd never be able to live with myself."

When she had first discovered that Finn had died from an overdose, that was the first thing to play in her mind.

She had a late shift at the diner that night and had said good-bye to Kurt and Rachel a couple of hours previous. She was in a terrible mood all day. It wasn't that she was sick or anything. She just had... this feeling in the pit of her stomach. She shook it off as just one of those feelings and continued on with her day as normal.

She was really looking forward to getting home, taking a shower and relaxing before going to bed. The climb to her floor seemed to take a little longer than usual and it drained her even more. She was relieved when she got to their door and she slid the thing open, wincing slightly as it made its signature noise. She turned and closed it with a sigh of contentment that she was finally home, where she could relax and be at ease.

She had never been so wrong.

"Hey you two. What's goi-" She spun to face them and when she completed her turn, she stopped. She saw her two roommates holding each other. Each had puffy eyes and tear stained faces. All thoughts of relaxation had flown from her mind as she saw how serious the situation was.

"What happened?" It took a couple of seconds but Kurt finally answered her question.

"We-we got a phone call from . He- he told us-" He couldn't continue as his body shook and a new wave of tears and sobs overtook him.

She took a steadying breath and moved to grab Kurt's phone. obviously knew so she was going to ask him.

"Kurt? I'm sorry I had to-"

"It's me. What happened?"

"Santana? Didn't Kurt and Rachel tell you?"

"No. They sort of... can't. Kurt tried but..."

"I see. Well Santana... I'm not sure how I should tell you. It's really hard to-"

"Mr. Schue. What. Happened?" While on the phone, she moved to lean against the wall away from Kurt and Rachel who were still holding each other. She made eye contact with both of them as she waited for Mr. Schue to answer.

"Santana... I got a phone call from the police station about an hour ago. It's…it's Finn."

Her breath caught in her throat.

"Is he okay?" She was surprised at how calm her voice was.

"He's dead, Santana."

Her breath stopped.

"Santana? They're not 100% of what yet but they found him alone in his dorm room and he had stopped breathing. They-they think it was an overdose."

Her breath hadn't returned. Her legs lost feeling. The phone dropped from her hand.

She didn't hear Mr. Schue call out her name, asking her if she was okay. She didn't notice Kurt retrieve the phone and tell Mr. Schue that she was fine. She didn't feel anything as Kurt wrapped his arms around her. Or when Rachel moved to join them.

She just didn't feel.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there with his jacket wrapped around her and tears running down her face. Santana never liked to show signs of sadness towards anyone. She liked being in control of herself at all times and when she got emotional, she lost that control. That's why she ran after her breakdown during her song. That's why she asked Kurt to leave. That's why she stayed in her bed for three days straight after she found out.

Where many people thought of her as a cold and heartless bitch, she had many emotions. So many of the had been dragged out of her in the past month since Finn died. Yet she noticed that she had never had a one-on-one, heart-to-heart with someone about it. Rachel had become more shut off from the world than she had been and Kurt just distracted himself with everything and everything. Anything that did included the entire Glee club and there was no way she was going to talk to Miss Pillsbury.

She isn't sure what her biggest emotion is. Probably because she didn't want to or try to deal with any of them. She knows that isn't exactly healthy but she can't really find it within herself to get out of her depression. Before, she would always think of what Finn said to her about her being awesome and not to hide it. But now, if she thought about that, she just thought about everything else and it hurt. It hurt to the point where she couldn't manage it.

How could she expect to deal with this when the one thing she used for smaller situations, reminds her of Finn?

"If something ever were to happen to you and I didn't do everything that I could to try and stop it, I'd never be able to live with myself."

She wipes her eyes as a thought comes to her.

"All right Hudson. Talking to you helped me before so lets so how you do now." Her breath had come out shaky so she took a deep breath to calm herself.

"I'm-I'm sorry about what I said in there. You heard about my plan that I didn't go through with. About all the nice things you did for and how I wanted to say that you were a great person. But I've never been good at expressing myself to anyone."

She looked down and stayed with her head bowed for a couple of seconds before she looked up and spoke again, as if he out in one of the chairs watching her.

"I guess this is easier because it's you. You are the... most amazing and kind hearted person I have ever met Finn. I'm not just saying that. You were always looking out for others. And in Glee, you were our leader and yeah you may not have always believed in yourself, but we all looked up to you. You had matured so much from that, dopey and naive jock who's virginity I took."

She laughed softly and smiled to herself.

"I'm really sorry for everything. I was terrible to you so much of the time. You were so so nice and caring and I was the total opposite. But, somehow, you managed to see me in a way that not many people could. So many times when I doubted myself or just needed someone, I would think of what you said to me when I was outed."

Her eyes started to glisten and her vision became blurry. She was surprised she managed to speak for that long without tears threatening to spill.

"I would just think 'How would Finn see me?' and I knew I could get through anything. And if I really needed it, I knew I could just call you and you would help. But... but now what?"

She felt that first tear slide slowly down her cheek and her breath started coming in ragged gasps.

"Now you're gone and I couldn't help you. All the times that you were able to help me, whether you knew it or not and the one time that you needed me, I couldn't be there for you. What does that say about me?"

She couldn't continue as her shoulders shook with silent sobs. She gripped his jacket for dear life and held it close, not daring to let go for fear she might lose the connection with him. And she needed him to hear this.

"Finn. I am going to miss you so much. I may have never told you but you meant so much to me and I know it's not possible but I need to hear from least one more time. To know that you heard everything I said and that you forgive me. I need to know that you still believe in me even though you're not here."

Her sobbing had gone from silent and small to loud and hysterical. She let all her emotions out and had no way of stopping them now.

Finally, she had calmed down. She looked upwards again and hugged the jacket around herself.

"Please Finn?"

She didn't say anything to the nurse as she made her way to a curtained off section. The nurse knew who she was and why she was here. Santana never liked to go to sleep anymore. It was often troubled and her dreams consisted of nightmares. Nightmares that led her to waking up in a cold sweat.

Before she drifted off to sleep, she managed to mumble something.

"I love you Finn."

Maybe it was just a coincidence or maybe not. But for the first time, her sleep wasn't troubled. In fact, she had no nightmares. But she did dream.

"Finn?"

"You know, even when you just finished crying your heart out, you still manage to look beautiful."

A/N: My first Glee fic. Reviews are welcome!