The Chronicles of Narnia
Prince Caspian Telmarine
It's the middle of the night, in some faraway country and up the top of some faraway tower. It is dark, signifying that the habitants of this faraway place, the Telmarines, are bad. They are also having babies. Loudly.
MAMA TELMARINE: I'm having a bebbeeeeee!
MIDWIFE TELMARINE: It's a boy!
MAMA TELMARINE: Let me check.
MIDWIFE TELMARINE: It seriously is a boy.
MAMA TELMARINE: Gimme my kid! I'm the Queen, dammit. Well, I will be the Queen just as soon as my hubby does his job.
MIRAZ TELMARINE: No wuckers, presh. On my way now.
MIRAZ sends roughly 400 troops armed to the TEETH to kill PRINCE CASPIAN TELMARINE X. He is sleeping peacefully in his bed but then a HAND comes out of nowhere to STRANGLE him DEAD! Oh, and he has a lovely chin dimple. Just thought I might add that.
LEONARDO TELMARINE: I'm actually called Cornelius.
US: Close enough, Gandalf.
GANDALF TELMARINE: sigh Anyway. Erm, where was I? Oh yeah, Caspian, son, Miraz has sent like 400 troops armed to the TEETH to come and kill you dead. You might wanna get going.
PRINCE CASPIAN: Is okay, I'll just 'ide in zhe closet and vatch.
THE AUDIENCE: Why in God's name does he have such a retarded accent?
GANDALF TELMARINE: It differentiates him from the Narnians. Which needs doing seeing as he obviously looks a fair bit like the centaurs and fauns and stuff. coughs Anyway, Caspian m'lad, suit yourself.
Like, 400 troops armed to the TEETH come in very discreetly to assassinate ONE SLEEPING KID. It's good that they didn't make it obvious or anything, because then the Lords and Stewards of GONDOR may have wondered what was going on.
The troops let fly THOUSANDS of arrows into the bed, designed to kill ONE SLEEPING KID. When they are finished, they wonder why they can't see a body, let alone a bed.
PRINCE CASPIAN: Golly moses.
CASPIAN doesn't show an OUNCE of surprise, or acting skill. But at least he looks hot. Really hot. He finally RUNS AWAY because he realises that the troops want to kill him.
BUT…
CASPIAN takes a pony and runs out the FRONT DOOR so that the 400 troops armed to the TEETH see him and chase after him because they want to kill him dead. He even stops obligingly so that they can catch up and make the chase more exciting for the shrieking 2-year-olds in the audience.
What proceeds is a great big middle-finger-salute at Peter Jackson from Andrew Adamson. But if most of the locations call to mind various Lord of the Rings settings, you're totally WRONG, because it actually wasn't filmed in New Zealand, thank you very much. Some was actually filmed elsewhere. CASPIAN keeps riding for a BLOODY LONG TIME. Just to show you, again, how lovely New Zealand would be for your next holiday, if you haven't already booked yourself up on all the Lord of the Rings tours. No that any of it was filmed in New Zealand.
CASPIAN still keeps riding, until he very ludicrously runs into a TREE. Why do all horse chases always end with retards hitting tree branches? CASPIAN lies in the dirt faking a broken head until FREAKY NARNIAN GREMLINS come out of another tree and start trying to knife him. Then he gets up and blows the HORN OF QUEEN SUSAN, because he is in dire circumstances, with a knocked head and a three-foot-high fiend waving a needle at him. Then he's KNOCKED OUT properly.
MEANWHILE… BACK IN LONDON, ENGLAND…
DEMENTED VERSION OF PETER: Hello, Phyllis. I don't have an icicle's chance in hell, do I?
SUSAN: I could do so much better than you in Narnia. They have really hot… um, fauns and centaurs... in Narnia.
DEMENTED VERSION OF PETER: Well, that hurts my feelings.
SUSAN: It's not my fault you're ugly. Really Ugly.
DEMENTED VERSION OF PETER: lowers head
LUCY runs up. She's so not as ugly as she used to be, because her teeth aren't as large and she's wearing pigtails. This immediately makes her more likeable, because we like looking at good-looking people onscreen, not ugly ones, hence the immediate vacating of DEMENTED VERSION OF PETER. LUCY and SUSAN walk to the LUN-derground where Peter is having a biff with one of his cobbers. This is done to show that PETER is a maladjusted member of society and is having trouble letting go of his glory days as HIGH KING OF NARNIA. Now he's out to teach a lesson to plebby London schoolbrats who show no respect for the likes of him.
PETER: I'll teach a lesson to you plebby London schoolbrats who show no respect for the likes of me!
PETER proceeds to get his royal arse kicked. He must be a little out of touch with his glory days. EDMUND THE EMO joins the fight because he is really good, hard-arsed backup for anyone. However, he turns out to be as pitiful and whiny as his brother. It's all fun and games until someone loses a head, and that's what almost happens to PETER, because the plebby schoolbrats shove his head onto the traintracks. Sucks to be the Pevensies.
BUT Soldiers come and save the weak bastards from being killed dead by a few whimpy schoolboys, and all is well except for PETER'S EGO.
EDMUND: Did you see me go, I was on fire just then.
PETER: What the hell did you do that for? I had everything under control, I'm the High King of Narnia dammit. I had a strategy going, they were right where I wanted them.
EDMUND: With your head in the traintracks?
PETER: Damn straight with my head in the traintracks. That was the plan.
EDMUND: You're just jealous because I outdid you.
LUCY: is crying…almost. PETER comes over to comfort her
PETER: I'm sorry you had to see that precious, just bloody schoolboys, no respect for the Kings and Queens of Narnia. Just taught them the old "Don't mess with the HIGH King of Narnia" lesson. Put them in their place.
LUCY: Yeah, you sure showed them.
SUSAN: Here's where I express my discontent with society, and Narnia too for that matter. I hate London boys because they're ugly. And I hate Narnians because they won't let us come back. And I hate you two stupid boys because you lost the fight and now we look like losers. And I hate the baby because she's not a baby anymore and will probably be better looking than me in a few year's time. Life's a bitch.
EDMUND: Yeah, I wouldn't mind going back to Narnia to regain my brilliant archery skills and all. They were really worth keeping.
SUSAN: Well, I was obviously the best. None of you could shoot an orc at 500 yards or blow a horn as well as yours truly. Why, I bet none of you remember anything at all about battle formations, sword handling, knife throwing, baby protecting, uruk-hai killing or anything from the old Narnian days. Wow, why am I turning this movie into 'The Chronicles of Susan'?
LUCY: Because you're setting yourself up for a fall, but no one will know that until the end of all seven movies. Pretend you didn't hear that, people.
SUSAN: Keep your wise-ass bullshit to yourself, thanks Lucy.
PETER: How dare you speak to the baby with such disrespect! As HIGH KING of Narnia, I shan't stand for it. Turns to Lucy Don't listen to her Loo, she's just a mean bitch. And she still doesn't appreciate all you did for us in the last film….um I mean the last time we visited Narnia.
EDMUND: Hey, can you guys hear that, it fully sounds like magic.
SUSAN: SOUNDS LIKE MAGIC??... WTF?
LUCY: I can feel it too, Ed. And its nice to know you don't have a BAD ATTITUDE like you did last time around.
EDMUND: Yeah, but me being a nice person in this movie also means that I have no personality and no screen time. No one wants me without my BAD ATTITUDE.
PETER: I might be able to recycle the BAD ATTITUDE situation personally, so never fear.
The TRAIN STATION starts to disintegrate and go feral; walls fall apart, bricks fly, shit hits the fan. The PEVENSIE BRATS are a bit blown around as the people around them blur, fragment, vanish, dissolve etc.
PETER: Lucy… what exactly is going on? Last time it was just a short trot through a cupboard. Now we're in the midst of some kind of nuclear holocaust.
LUCY: It does seem a little different, doesn't it?