TOW the Cooking Lessons

AN: I flagged the existence of this episode in "Just For Us" (which has a continuity problem I'll fix up later) This is part of an alternative season five which begins with TOW Ross catches up with Emily

Ross came in through the front door of his apartment and called,

'Hi sweetie!' Emily, who had been in the bedroom came rushing out to greet him.

'Ross!' Ross dropped his bag and they kissed for a minute.

'So you still miss me?' he teased. He had only been back at work for a week after his convalescence from a serious accident outside Heathrow, and they had not yet fallen into any particular routine. Emily had not yet found a job, and she had only started looking for work after Ross returned to work himself.

'I could say the same for you,' she teased back.

'What were you doing?' Ross asked.

'Just putting some clothes away. Why don't you go in and change out of those clothes, and I'll see to dinner?' Emily suggested, going over to the hall table and picked up some takeaway menus.

'I'm not in the mood for anything heavy,' Ross said, 'I'd prefer something light tonight.'

'All right. Cheese on toast?' They both paused. The last time she had tried that, it had taken three attempts to get it right. The second attempt had actually caught fire and the smell of burnt cheese had lingered in the apartment for days.

'Maybe not,' Ross said.

'I'll boil you an egg,' Emily said.

'Great,' Ross said, and went to the bedroom. Emily filled a saucepan with water and set it on the stove. After turning on the stove, she went to the fridge and took out some eggs and some vegetables. As she was rinsing the vegetables under the tap, the doorbell rang. It was Monica. After exchanging greetings, Ross came out of the bedroom in more casual clothes and the greeting occurred all over again.

'I just dropped by to say hello,' Monica said, as they all sat down.

'By the way, my legs haven't fallen off,' Ross said sarcastically, in case Monica thought she could slide back into the over protectiveness that she'd been guilty of recently. Emily had learned her lesson, but Monica had a streak of stubbornness.

'Can't I even come by and see my own brother without him making sarcastic remarks? Is this how he treats you?' Monica asked Emily.

'Oh I just ignore him when he acts like that,' Emily said.

'Oh yeah?' Ross challenged, 'that's only because I don't make sarcastic remarks to you.'

'Hmm, that's true,' Emily said with a smile. 'But if you do, I'll ignore you.'

'I came to talk to you both about going over to our parents next weekend,' Monica said, and then sniffed.

'What's that smell?' Both Emily and Ross looked at her in puzzlement.

'I can't smell anything,' Ross said, but Monica had already got up and had moved to the kitchen, where she sensed the smell had come from. She saw the saucepan on the stove was empty and red hot.

'You've burned this saucepan!' She exclaimed. She took the saucepan off the stove and put it in the sink, running cold water on it. 'What was in it?' Ross and Emily had followed her to the kitchen.

'Just water,' Emily said. Monica turned around to face her, staring.

'What? I can't believe this, I'm looking at a person who can burn water.'

'I just forgot it was there.'

'What were you going to do in there?' Monica asked. She couldn't help noticing that the kitchen was looking rather unused.

'I was going to boil some eggs. We just wanted something light this evening,' Emily said.

'I'll make you both a quick omelette,' Monica said, throwing open the fridge. 'Where is your food?'

'I've got stuff for salad out already,' Emily said, pointing at the things she'd laid out on the side bench. Monica looked in the fridge. She was appalled.

'But there's nothing in this fridge except milk and soft drink.' Monica opened the freezer and saw microwave meals. She pointed at them. 'What – Are these doing here?'

'Oh we have those if we don't feel like a take away,' Ross said. Monica looked at Emily. Emily was the one who was staying at home at the moment so she asked her,

'Don't you cook anything at all?'

'Well I was doing some eggs,' Emily said.

'What else can you do?' Monica demanded.

'Make soup.'

'That's good – no wait, you mean from a packet don't you?' Emily nodded.

'Of course. That's how soup is made, isn't it?' Monica stared at this heresy. She had so much work to do here.

'So you can't actually cook – I know that, you burnt water. Why didn't your mother teach you?' Monica asked. Emily's face fell. Ross put an arm around her.

'Emily's mother died when she was twelve, and then she went to boarding school. Her stepmother didn't teach her anything.'

'Oh,' Monica said, chastened.

'Don't tell Joey that I went to boarding school, he'll only get excited,' Emily said.

'No,' Monica said. 'Did you do home economics?'

'No,' Emily said, 'I don't know how to do any more than boil and egg and make toast.' She decided not to own up to cheese on toast, thinking that Monica might regard a 33 percent success rate as somewhat inadequate.

'You need to learn how to cook,' Monica said firmly. Everyone needed to learn how to cook. Not everyone would be able to attend one of her restaurants, and certainly they would not be able to achieve her standards, but they needed to eat properly in the meantime. All frozen meals should be banned, in Monica's opinion. 'You're not working yet, you've got time. You can learn a few things.'

'Sign up for cooking lessons?' Emily asked.

'You don't have to sign up, I'll teach you,' Monica said. She was looking forward to it already. She would be able to teach Emily just how to feed Ross properly.

'Er Monica,' Ross said, 'Maybe she'd better have proper lessons.'

'Are you saying my lessons wouldn't be proper?'

'N-no, not at all,' Ross said as Monica rounded on him.

'That I can't cook as well as a, a cookery teacher?'

'No, you're better, but you might be too advanced for Emily,' Ross said, trying to appease her.

'Are you saying I'm stupid?' Emily turned on him.

'No, no sweetie but Monica is…'

'Is?' Monica asked dangerously.

'Great,' Ross said, to get himself out of his dangerous corner. 'Perfect.' He saw them both looking at him sceptically and said, 'Well, what do I know? Don't ask me!'