just something dumb i banged out while joking around! they do say the longer you know someone, the more their habits start to rub off…
"No, Ted, no!" Barney cries, as Ted takes a chair from a nearby table and pulls it to the booth. His dismay is obvious, and just as obviously directed at Ted's new jacket. Teal and plaid, it looked like someone had taken a pastel version of one of Ted's shirts, stuck some elbow pads on it, and cut it into a blazer. It was instantly obvious why Ted liked it and Barney looked like he was going to hurl at the sight of it. "What is that train wreck of a — garment? It doesn't deserve to be called a jacket," he explains. (No one was wondering.)
"It's new," Ted says, snapping the lapels proudly. "I thought I'd bust it out tonight, take it for a spin, before I took it down to the ol' lectern Monday."
"It's amazing," says Marshall.
"Ooh, nice colour," says Lily.
"Hey, Angry Birds finally downloaded onto my phone!" says Robin.
"TRAITORS," says Barney. He stands up from the booth to point dramatically at Ted. "That is not AMAZING. That is not DECENT. That is not CLOTHING. What it is is an outrage on society as a whole, on the tastes and eyesight of all in the great city Ted Mosby has until now resided in, taking advantage of those of us who have been so kind as to let him live here these untold years, even DESPITE his hair and inability to wear anything properly fitted. Why, in 1834 —"
"Okay, buddy, hang on," says Lily. "At least let us order our drinks before you unleash the fury."
Barney politely does so, sitting back down and quivering with rage until everyone has a drink before them. He takes a gulp of scotch and slams it down onto the table. Tilts his neck. Rolls his jaw. Shifts his shoulders.
And it begins. Historical anecdotes, citations from print and digital media, a slideshow of Ted's poor fashion choices over the years, things the gang has said out of Ted's earshot, plenty of self-praise and admiration for his own impeccable looks and tastes, a fist shaking lament to the skies that Ted did not, WOULD not allow Barney to buy and pick his clothes out for him, promises of wingmanship if he were to, statistics proving that Ted would be laid 83% more often if he took off this teal monstrosity, quotes from Ted's students that Barney swears he is not making up on the spot, an actual legitimately inspiring quote from Tim Gunn on speakerphone: It goes on and on, a relentless, desperate plea to Ted, the universe, God, ANYONE who may be listening.
"I can go on!" Barney exclaims, still going strong twenty minutes later: "Nay! I shall go on! I've barely scratched the surface of this monstrosity that is the fact that if Theodore Elizabeth Mosby literally could not be —" The rest of the gang, having all tuned him out twenty, eighteen, fifteen, and twelve minutes ago (Marshall is actually the one who hung on the longest), all turn to look at him. Were they wolves about to devour a helpless woodland bunny, their ears would be perked up, their mouths dripping. Except for Robin, who continues to play Angry Birds. "That - THAT," Barney continues, at a rare loss for words, realising his mistake but unable to correct it. "That, if Ted, TED, was any more uncool, because HE'S the lame one here, he would be, uh, well, he'd be LITERALLY — Dammit!"
He runs. It's the only recourse he has.
"Pshyeah, high score!" Robin says, holding up her phone in triumph.