Twenty Lies to Say Goodbye
Hey O! I'm back again. Didn't you guys miss me. Okay... No you didn't, but so what?! I missed myself (forever alone)!
Disclaimer: word before says it all
My heart is paralyzed. My head was oversized.
"What happened, bro? You look like Ice King just beat you to death!" observed Jake. I didn't blame Jake; that was the way I felt inside and out. "No way don't tell me you did get beat! What did he beat you with?" asked the yellow pug eagerly. "WHAT? No?! Even if I did get beaten into a pulp, why would you want to know with what?" I asked desperately. "Well, a pug can dream can't he?" he muttered under his breath. Sometimes my friend could be a real pain in my bum, because his advice was strange as a bear in the winter. However, right now I had no one else to ask for advice.
I sighed as I sank into our couch. "Wanna listen or not?" I asked stiffly. "Sure. Spill the beans dude!" replied the dog. Throwing my head back after realizing what he just said, I made mock farting noise. "Oh my glob. Not like that!" laughed my friend. Soon I found myself joining in unison. As soon as I took a calm breath, I let all hell loose. "I don't know what happened, but Flame Princess broke up with me. She got in on with 'guess who?'" I muttered angrily. "Who?" echoed Jake. "ICE KING!" I squeaked through my ever cracking voice. "I-I-ce K-I-I-n-g?" stuttered the dog through disbelief. I raked my hand through my hair to settle my wild blonde hair. "She- FP- is dating the psycho we know as Ice King?" he asked. I nodded while agreeing to the messed up situation of this love triangle.
_You said it's meant to be
That it's not you, it's me
You're leaving now for my own good
Jake was now wide eyed , and he gestured for me to continue. "She told me we weren't fit together that," I chocked, "that we can't kiss without burning a hole in Ooo. That she's still evil, and she wants to be with someone evil too." The yellow dog quickly agreed, "look she's not worth your time. What about the other princesses?" "No, there's nobody else like her." I wearily sighed. Jake shook his head in sorry and disappointment. "Well why do you want advice then? If you want to woo her back, count me out. That girl is more dangerous than Bubblegum when she's tired," complained my best friend.
That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say...
"How did the visit go?" asked Jake curiously. "Huh," I snorted, "she was with Ice King, so they told me to get out. I tried everything from serenading her to dancing. Nothing worked." "C'mon bro. Just let go of her. I even have pancakes right now," stated Jake. Jake was right; pancakes were a good idea to me right now. "Then what should I say if people ask me about he if people ask what happened to her. Or what if they ask why isn't she with me?" I pleaded at Jake for an answer. "Whatda ya mean?" asked the yellow pug. "Well, I am Finn the Human. Finn the Hero, so how do you think people will view me when I say, 'I got dumped by Flame Princess.' People already don't like the fact I was dating someone evil, but something evil dumping me? How pathetic do I sound? What will happen to my ego?" I asked. My best friend nodded in understanding. "Say she died in an unfortunate accident! Then people will feel bad for you!" he thought suddenly. Maybe he was right...
_Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
I picked up the random vegetables near me in the groceries only to bump into LSP and accidentally grab her hand instead of a vegetable. "Oh, Finn," she giggled dramatically as soon as I dropped her hand in horror and disgust. "Where's your girlfriend?" she eyed my face suspiciously. My throat felt dry, and any attempt at swallowing was useless. Then I remembered Jake's advice in a frenzy of a flashback. "She took my mini van to airport. I was so heartbroken when she got on the airplane to Yom Kippur. When they landed, her airplane crashed," I managed to choke those lies. "OH, MY GLOB! DRAMA BOMB! EVERYONE GATHER AROUND TO HEAR FINN'S TRAGIC STORY ABOUT HOW HIS GIRLFRIEND DIES! " Lumpy yelled in a microphone. Great, right when I thought I was done lying. I knew I shouldn't have lied to LSP. I never said FP died, and how the hell did she get a mic?
"Go on Finn," encouraged the sudden crowd of princess. "Umm, the airplane landed near the water, which she feel into since no one caught her. She met a shark under water. The shark bit her arm, and when she finally got out, FP got caught in a mudslide. Some hobo on the side of the mudslide had a hot tub, and he pulled her into the hot tub. It turns out he was too fat, and she drowned in a hot tub. Then, a lion ran out of a bush, which caused Flame to run out the tub-" I ranted.
"Wait, how could she have lived if she drowned?" Wildberry Princess question. Shoot, everybody will think I'm lying. "Did I say that I meant she almost drowned?" I asked. "She got fried getting a suntan when she got stuck in a cement mixer full of quicksand in the desert. When she finally got away she almost got run over by a crappy purple Scion and eaten by a lion. At last all dangers were over, she danced to death at an east side night club." I finished at last. "Is this all true?" squeaked Bubblegum. "Yep," I smiled as all the girls sniffled and felt bad for me. "Is what true?" asked a familiar feminine voice. "Shit!" I squealed nervously when I noticed an angry flame elemental and turning mad crowd of angry princesses.
Author's Note: Ha hah. Finn is so dead now, and his story was so stupid. Te heh. The song it is based on is 50 ways to say goodbye by train