SURREAL WORLD "Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics....

This is the twelfth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows

"Rose-Colored Lenses,"
"The Tie That Chokes,"
"That Thing You Say,"
"'Shipped Out,"
"Andrea Speaks!",
"Cheered Down,"
"None in the Family, Part One,"
"None in the Family, Part Two,"
"Outvoted,"
"Of Absolute Value," and
"Breaking the Mold."

I'd give this a 2S...

Before I tell you to "Enjoy!", an introduction is needed. Most of you who've been forced to slog through inferior MTV programs on your way to "Daria" will be familiar with "The Real World." But just in case you've lucked out and never caught an episode, let me give you some background.

"The Real World" claims to be a reality-based television show. Its opening line states: "This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite." That's it in a nutshell. I won't give away any more details because I want you to recognize the more ridiculous aspects of the show (and there are so, so many) in my fanfic, except that there have been eight "Real Worlds" to date. New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, Miami, Boston, Seattle, and Hawaii. There is also a "Real World" spinoff called "Road Rules," now in its sixth season I believe, in which five or six people travel through exotic locales.

As for this fanfic, it is possibly the first one I've written that could be called -- GASP -- "situation-based." I wouldn't call it a parody, per se, because it doesn't take the Daria characters and transform them into "Real World" characters, but it does have some elements of parody. Overall, I'd say that its tone closest resembles the one in "Scream." It's part-parody, part examination of how people are affected by the media, all slamming of the "Real World" phenomenon.

Those of you who despise "The Real World" should enjoy it. Those who aren't too familiar with the show will probably be entertained anyway, although to understand some of my references, you may want to first travel down to "Points of Interest" in my postscript, where I explain them.

That said........ Enjoy!!!

Ten Spot Promo: That annoying one where the numbers materialize in the water, and it takes forever for the 10 to appear...

(Cue music: "Steal My Sunshine" by Len)

(Shaky cam. pan-over shot of Lawndale. It's morning, and the rising sun bathes every rooftop with golden light. We lurch over houses, streets, the park, the town, the school, until we finally circle around a noticeably large house that takes up half the side of the street. It's surrounded by tennis courts, a mini-zoo, a helicopter landing pad, a stable for the ponies, a Olympic-sized swimming pool, and a giant fountain.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) If you haven't already turned away because of motion-induced nausea, do not be fooled by what you see.

(The pan-over camera jerks to a stop, as does the music. Jerk to close-up, frontal shot of Our Heroine, staring out at us through the screen, wearing her patented deadpan expression. Behind her, we see that the walls appear to be a swirl of neon green and pink.)

DARIA: You have now entered Hell. You will be sharing this hell with two other unfortunate people and five morons. But before you start your journey, let me tell you the true story of how this all began...

[intro theme music...................]

SURREAL WORLD

Kara Wild

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, middle of the night)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a hollow-eyed Quinn, staring straight ahead in a zombie-like fashion, as glowing light flickers across her face. Cut to wide shot. We see that she's camped out on the living room sofa, curled up in a sleeping bag and wearing pajamas, a half-consumed bowl of no-salt, no-butter, no-oil, fat-free popcorn beside her. Off screen, from the T.V., we hear several loud, whiny young voices.)

(Just then, in the background we see Daria walking downstairs, also in P.J.'s. She pauses for a moment, takes in what Quinn's watching, then continues to walk down and over to the couch.)

DARIA: Ah, Masterpiece Theatre. (Bt. faux thoughtful.) No... that one requires you to think and watch at the same time.

QUINN: (edgy) Quiet, Daria!!!

DARIA: So you've been sucked into watching another "Real World" marathon, have you?

(Pause. Quinn continues to watch like a zombie.)

DARIA: And how is this different from the one they showed last weekend? Or the weekend before?

(Beat)

QUINN: (scornful) Last weekend was the "Road Rules" marathon. Duh! How could you not tell them apart?!

DARIA: (smirking) I guess it's just that all whining, self-absorbed people look alike to me, with or without the R.V. (Bt.) Have you ever thought of trying out?

QUINN: Would you be quiet?! This is a very important scene. Puck's about to get thrown out of the house.

DARIA: Again?

(She comes over to the other side of the sofa and sits down beside Quinn as we hear off screen: )

GUY: (angry) You're disrespecting ME, you're disrespecting the people in this HOUSE --

GUY 2: Whoa, dude, like chill out. If you can't handle the Puck-man, then you're, like, toast. 'Cause the Puck-man's only on nine -- you ain't seen me on ten --

GUY: Get OUT!!!

(Sounds of collective shouting. Daria sighs, rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Doesn't someone get thrown out of the house every season?

QUINN: Only in the first eight seasons. Not the last eight.

DARIA: How can you watch this crap? It's the same boring stuff every season. Someone gets kicked out. Someone has an incurable disease and/or a substance abuse problem. Someone comes to terms with being gay. And two cast members get together for some ill-advised "snuggling."

QUINN: (surprised) Wow. How d' you know so much?

DARIA: Uh... (reddens a little) by default. This show is always on. Always... always.

QUINN: Well then you understand that these guys have major problems. Much worse than you or I could have. It's like watching an episode of "Jerry Springer," but with more attractive people.

DARIA: How very reassuring.

QUINN: (annoyed) And at least their problems are interesting. Sheesh -- I couldn't even watch your life for a half-hour before tuning out.

(Daria cocks an eyelid -- "Touche.")

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and company sitting in class. Suddenly, from off screen: )

MS. LI: (over the P.A.) Attention all students. I'm pleased to announce that a veeeeery exciting opportunity has befallen the school. Something that will have us rolling in fame and glory and lots and lots and lots of much-needed spending money! Ooh-hoo, I'm so excited! Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo...!

(Daria and Jane remain impassive.)

MS. LI: Uh, erm... that said, would the following students pleeeease report to my office immediately. Jodie Landon, Jamie White, Kevin Thompson, Daria Morgendorffer --

(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)

MS. LI: -- Charles Ruttheimer, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, and Saaaaaandra Griffin.

(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting in class with Stacy and Tiffany. Quinn looks nervous as Tiffany starts to stand up.)

QUINN: You and S-Sandi? What could she want with both of you??

(Cut to shot of Daria in class. She gives Jane one last wary glance before shrugging her shoulders and standing up to leave.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Li's office, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside. We see Daria walking slowly toward the door. Cut to inside shot: all of the other students have already arrived. Sandi and Tiffany are busy discussing which is the best split-end resistant shampoo. Upchuck is combing his hair and growling softly with lust. Kevin is spiking his football into the floor over and over again. Jamie sits there hunched over, looking rather vulnerable without the other two Js flanking him. Jodie is looking probingly at a man sitting with Ms. Li at her desk. Finally Daria walks in.)

JODIE: (turning, seeing her) Daria. Over here.

(She scoots to one side of her chair to make room. Daria sits down.)

DARIA: What's this about?

MS. LI: Oooh, I'm glad you asked, Ms. Morgendorffer! I have here an important guest who will explaaaaaain to you all the glorious opportunity that awaits you.

SANDI: (tossing her hair) Great, but could you, like, make it fast? This is cutting into my mirror time.

KEVIN: Yeah -- an' Brit gets jealous if I'm away from her for more 'n two minutes.

DARIA: (deadpan) Funny: I would think she'd be cheering with relief.

(Kevin scratches his head, looks confused.)

MAN: (dripping with enthusiasm) Oh-ho, that's a good one! Such biting wit -- that's why I chose you. I chose all of you.

(All of the students turn to stare at the man, who is thirty-something, wearing a suit with a pink shirt underneath and a string tie. He's got several clunky gold rings on his fingers, and he smiles snakily.)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) For what, exactly?

MS. LI: For a chance to bond with each other as you've never bonded before!

SANDI: (cringing, eyeing Upchuck) Bonding??

TIFFANY: Ewwwww...

UPCHUCK: (rubbing his hands together) Grrrrrrrrr... sounds promising Ms. Li.

MS. LI: Yeeeees. I got the inspiration this past weekend during a certain delightfully addictive marathon.

MAN: And then she called me! Hi, I'm Skip Wilkinson -- producer of such memorable television fare as "Child Beauty Queens: American Sweethearts," and "When Postal Workers Attack." (holds out his hand. no one shakes it.) Erm... anyway, Ms. Li and I came up with a proposal -- how'd you kids like to live together for three fun-filled weeks? Sharing bedrooms, bathrooms, the kitchen --

DARIA/SANDI/TIFFANY: No!

SKIP: Wait-wait-wait... there's more!

(Daria suddenly gets a look of realization.)

DARIA: This marathon you saw... would that happen to be "The Real World" marathon?

MS. LI: (nervous) Wh-What makes you say that??

DARIA: Just a hunch.

SANDI: (perking up) We're gonna be on "The Real World"???

TIFFANY: Ooooooooh!

KEVIN: (jumping up) Aw right!! Girls love the bad boys on that show. Like Puck an' that Neil guy -- (spikes his football -- it flies up and hits him in the face.) Ooph!

SANDI: (to Tiffany) Like, people on "The Real World" become famous an' stuff. We could, like, end up as models.

DARIA: (sardonic) Yeah -- role models for our sick, sad generation.

(Sandi turns her eyes toward Daria and frowns darkly. Daria doesn't notice.)

MS. LI: (irritated) Would you all stop! This is not "The Real World." It's compleeeeeetely different.

SKIP: Right. "The Real World" is a bunch of twenty-something year-old actors posing as regular people, living lives that are impossibly luxurious, but still finding time to whine about it!

MS. LI: Whereas you'll be just an ordinary bunch of normal teenagers living together and learning about each other's lives.

DARIA: With a few cameras lying around.

SKIP: Eh-heh-heh-ho! (waves at Daria to "shut up.") What better way to chart your progress than to have it on film??

MS. LI: And of course we'll be showing the completed work to a feeeew people.

(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)

KEVIN: (to Skip) So, like, why d' you pick us, bro? Was it 'cause of our (flexes his muscles, flashes a toothy grin.) reputations?

UPCHUCK: Our unbelievable way with the opposite sex? Grrrrrrr...

SKIP: No, no! You're just a random group of students chosen randomly! There's no sort of "master plan" involved. (does the finger-wiggle.) But how fortunate we were to select such a wonderful range of students. (stands up, strolls over to Kevin.) We have our popular jock and all-around-good-guy in Kevin. (pats him firmly on the back.)

KEVIN: Ow!

SKIP: (walking over to Sandi) Our cool, suave, popular girl who wraps the men around her finger...

(Sandi smirks, obviously finding no fault with his description.)

SKIP: The minorities! (gestures at Tiffany and Jodie.) Tiffany: the Chinese girl adopted by Jewish American parents, torn between two worlds, in search of her identity.

TIFFANY: (blasŽ) Uh-huh.

SKIP: And Jodie: the tough but smart African American ready to take on a white man's world!

(Jodie smiles thinly. Skip then walks over to Upchuck, who's tapping his fingers together in anticipation.)

SKIP: Every group needs an oddball!

(Upchuck frowns. Skip turns to Daria.)

SKIP: And a brain with a take-no-prisoners attitude!

(Daria cocks an eyelid. Skip walks over to Jamie, who's been quiet this whole time.)

SKIP: And you... we-ell... (long pause) we sensed latent homosexual tendencies in you.

JAMIE: Huh??

SKIP: Well that about sums it up. (goes back to the desk, sits down. opens a briefcase.) Now if you'd all be kind enough to sign some contracts.

DARIA: And if we exercise our freedom of will by not signing?

MS. LI: (faux pleasant) Then you can spend those three weeks in your own home. Expelled.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Pizza King, after school)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting in one of the booths with a pie between them. Daria's not eating - she's slumped over and looking tired.)

DARIA: This is all just a dream. A hideous, sick dream.

JANE: (sardonic) Say that enough times, and maybe you'll wake up back in Kansas.

DARIA: (frowning at her) This has to be a dream - 'cause for some reason, this whole set-up seems painfully familiar.

JANE: Aw, "The Real World" does that to you. Predictable plot lines, saccharine emotions... every season is like an assault on the brain. (Bt. embarrassed) Not that I would know, of course, as I never, ever watch the show.

DARIA: (sarcastic) I'm convinced.

JANE: Anyway, it should be fun! Just imagine: you'll get to share close quarters with people you hate and learn all their twisted secrets that you can use against them on a future occasion.

DARIA: Your optimism is having no effect.

JANE: You'll have cameras following you everywhere, recording your every move, bringing to light the true Daria Morgendorffer in all her sarcastic glory.

DARIA: You wouldn't be so enthusiastic if it were you stuck doing this. It's all just to buy the school more security measures. And frankly, I never thought our honorable principal could stoop so low.

JANE: (sympathetic) Yeah -- selling the footage to a local cable access channel. I'll admit that's pretty out there.

DARIA: You don't suppose people will watch it, do you?

JANE: (shrugging) Hey, the Guptys' marriage therapy show became a success, didn't it? Besides, there's so much bland vanilla crap on the air these days, this dabble in voyeurism should be gobbled up like jalape–o chilies.

DARIA: (sarcastic) How encouraging. (suddenly sees Jodie coming toward them. Jane waves at her to sit down.) And you -- to think you knew about this all along.

JODIE: (sitting down) Yeah? So what?

DARIA: So you're participating anyway.

JODIE: (philosophical) Hey, look: I figure this is one of those rare opportunities to give black people a face on T.V. beyond the U.P.N. network.

DARIA: Point taken.

JODIE: And it would give us teens from different peer groups the chance to show we really can get along.

(Beat)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Get along, you say? (Bt.) I wasn't certain, but now I know for sure -- Ms. Li's planted a mind-control device in your head.

(Jodie rolls her eyes good-naturedly. Meanwhile, cut to shot of Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy sitting at another booth, a cheeseless pizza between them that only Stacy is eating. Quinn looks as despondent as Daria.)

QUINN: It's bad enough my weird cousin's gonna be on the show, but I can't believe they chose Sandi for the vixen role over me.

TIFFANY: (yes-man) That is soooo wrong.

QUINN: I'm a "Real World" expert too, you know.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Beat)

QUINN: (suddenly nervous) Um, Tiffany? Um... I hope when you're living with Sandi and all those other people, you don't forget who your real friends are.

STACY: Yeah -- we can come visit you, can't we?

TIFFANY: Sure.

QUINN: And um... be sure to remember who put you where you are today.

TIFFANY: Sandi?

(Beat)

QUINN: (irritation creeping in) No. (Bt.) I mean the one who's kept you there. The one who put her reputation on the line so you could have some responsibility -- only to completely wreck everything so she became the laughing stock of the town.

TIFFANY: Oh yeah. [*] see "Of Absolute Value"

(Quinn looks at her beseechingly a few seconds longer, but Tiffany doesn't seem to get it. Finally Quinn presses a hand to her forehead, groans, and shakes her head. Stacy watches her with concern.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (the following week -- start of the experiment)

(Cue music: "Steal My Sunshine" by Len)

(Herky-jerky overhead shot of the neighborhood. Zero in and circle around the big house we saw in the prologue. Cut to inside shot. The students are standing, luggage in hand, with Skip and Ms. Li. The downstairs area where they have gathered looks like that of a palace. It's huge, and brightly colored in swirly pastels and neon shades. From floor to ceiling there are bay windows, although there's no bay to look out onto, as well as several exotic plants and birds.)

SKIP: So what do you think of Casa de Lawndale??

SANDI: Oh, I think I could feel at home, here.

UPCHUCK: It'd make the perfect love nest for the Chuckmeister. Grrrrrrr...

JODIE: How did you get this place?

SKIP: Oh, the owners were thrilled to lend it out for educational purposes.

DARIA: And for a hefty sum and loads of publicity.

MS. LI: Ms. Morgendorffer! (Bt.) May I remind you that Big Brother is watching. (points up to a camera on the ceiling, which seems to be recording them.)

(Daria flinches, as does Jodie. The other students eye the camera with interest.)

SKIP: Now let me direct you all to the Pepsi room, where you'll find a few little amenities...

(Cut to shot of the inside of a large rec room with several Pepsi logos prominently displayed. Everyone walks in, looks around. In the corner, we see a sectioned-off space.)

SKIP: This is your basic recreational room. Couch, T.V. --

JODIE: What's that? (points to the space.)

KEVIN: Heeeeeeey -- the make-out room! Brit'll really go for that.

SANDI: No, you dummy, it's a confessional. A mainstay of the "Real World" and "Road Rules." You use it to confess your innermost thoughts and feelings.

DARIA: (deadpan) Assuming you've got any.

(Beat. Jodie can't contain a chuckle. Sandi frowns at them.)

SKIP: Confessional?? No, no! We respect our copyright infringement laws. This is a "share box." See how it's got Sherry the share pillow in there? Right on top of that nice mirror.

DARIA: With the glowing red recording light.

SKIP & MS. LI: Mrrrrrrrr...

DARIA: (to Jodie) A great place to spontaneously assert your true emotions. And check which is your better side.

SKIP: (overhearing. annoyed) Do you have anything more you'd like to add, Daria??

(Beat)

DARIA: Well... only a question. If we're just supposed to be a bunch of real teenagers living together, then why does our house resemble the inside of a Vegas casino?

(Skip and Ms. Li look at each other and shake their heads, as if they can't believe she'd ask such a silly question.)

MS. LI: Because, Ms. Morgendorffer...

SKIP: People can't watch you kids in a regular house! It would be much too boring.

DARIA: But by putting us in the Taj Mahal, aren't you distorting reality even more than you already have by forcing us to live together in the first place?

SKIP: Distorting reality?? (big laugh.) Heavens, no! We're merely enhancing it to make it more digestible to the average viewer. That way, they can get much more out of it than if...

DARIA: (sardonic) It were really real?

SKIP: Ummm... (frowns at her.) Never mind. (Bt.) Come on, everyone: our next stop will be the Microsoft digital kitchen...

(Pause)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So that's how it started...

(Cut to frontal close-up of her in the "share box.")

DARIA: An ordeal in which I was, and am still, forced to spend each waking moment with people I don't know and don't really wish to know...

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (montage of scenes)

(Cue music: "Crazy" by Britney Spears)

(Herky-jerky shot of sun rising over Lawndale. Cut to herky-jerky shot of the house from the outside. Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, Jodie, and Daria standing in front of a huge bathroom counter and mirror, fit for a palace. The counter and floor are made of green marble, and in the background, we see a waterfall running down the wall, across the floor. Sandi and Tiffany have their make-up spread over practically two-thirds of the counter, crowding out Daria and Jodie. Both look as though they've been grooming themselves for quite some time, while Daria still looks morning-scruffy and is brushing her teeth. Jodie's brushing her hair.)

SANDI: (frowning) The automatic faucets aren't working again. I don't know how they expect us to survive under these conditions.

JODIE: So you do it by hand. So what?

(Sandi rolls her eyes, then glances at Tiffany.)

TIFFANY: (as if Jodie were from Mars) We might chip a nail.

JODIE: (rolling her eyes) Right. How could I forget?

DARIA: (sardonic) And to think there are people who have to get by without running water or thickening nail polish.

SANDI: (glaring at her) Like, are you accusing us of complaining?? (Bt.) Excuse me, we haven't complained about anything since we got here. Not even about how you two got the larger room, although we could have.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

JODIE: (annoyed) We don't have the larger room. It just has an extra window.

TIFFANY: (cringing) Stuffy rooms are bad for the skin.

SANDI: (tossing her hair) And it's important to look your best -- especially when it's likely someone might be watching you. (eyes trail toward the wall camera, then dart back.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Yes -- dazzling a stalker is one of the most important parts of a girl's day.

(Beat)

SANDI: (frowning) All I'm saying is that you never know when a talent agent might be randomly flipping through the channels and catch one of us on Channel Sixty-four.

DARIA: That's if he's not too busy arranging contracts for his real clients.

(Jodie chuckles softly. Sandi frowns harder, unable to come up with a satisfactory response.)

DARIA: Since I don't quite have your zeal for seeking attention, I think I'll take my chances with anonymity.

SANDI: Fine.

(Cut to close-up of Sandi in the share box with her arms folded. Cue music: "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette.)

SANDI: You know, sometimes I think that girl with the glasses is making fun of me. It like um... (pauses to think.) fills me with pain inside that I, like, can't express... an' stuff. (Bt.) She's just like Ruthie from "Real World: Hawaii." Well you know what? No one liked Ruthie. Ruthie left. (Pause. mumble.) Well actually... she came back, and then no one liked Amaya, or whatever --

(Pounding heard off screen.)

SANDI: (pissed) Dammit, I've still got five minutes in the confessional! (Pause. looks into the camera.) So which d' you think is my better side?

(Pause. We then hear Daria utter a sigh from off screen. Cue music: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah MacLachlan.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Well now that I've got the confessional back, where was I?

(Cut to side shot of Daria walking down the stairs. Kevin slides past her down the bannister, surfer style.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Oh yeah. I've spent every waking moment being recorded for the purpose of a quick buck.

(We hear Kevin crash off screen. Daria flinches only slightly, then continues walking downstairs.)

(Cut to frontal shot of Daria walking down the street to school, a full-fledged camera crew behind her and a microphone dangling overhead.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Having to endure the constant scorn of less-than-understanding classmates.

(From off screen, a tomato whizzes in Daria's direction, hits her on the face, and bounces off. Daria scarcely bats an eye. The tomato is followed by more vegetables, coming at her from both directions. Cut to side shot. We see students standing on the sidelines, shouting, waving their arms, trying to get in front of the camera.)

STUDENT: Take your exploitation crap to another town!

STUDENT 2: Quit misrepresenting the Lawndale High student body!

BARRY: You're giving nerds everywhere a bad image!

(He tosses an animal pelt at Daria. Daria freezes as it flies past, then shudders and walks on.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Or having to endure the star-struck frenzy that has gripped the rest of the student body...

(Cut to shot of Daria walking into O'Neill's class, tomato juice running down her face and broccoli in her hair. She makes her way past Jodie, who looks similarly disheveled, and slides into her seat. We see that the classroom looks a little more crowded than usual, and that many people in the back of the room are edging their way forward, waving.)

DARIA: (to O' Neill. deadpan) Um, could I have a few extra seats for them? (gestures off to the side. pan over to show the camera crew in the doorway.)

(Cut to shot of O'Neill at the front of the room.)

O'NEILL: (gestures and voice exaggerated) Of course you can, o' favorite pupil of mine!

(Resume shot of Daria. Jane leans toward her.)

JANE: (wicked smirk) Need some help washing off the stardust??

(Daria looks at Jane with an annoyed "Et tu, Brute?" expression. She sighs heavily.)

(Cue music: "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin. Cut to shot of the outside of a nightclub with a long line of young people wrapping around it. The large sign flashes in neon: Lawndale Sizzling Hot Nites.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Then at night, having to work with my housemates in our co-owned, co-run nightclub which Skip thought would be the perfect place for teenagers to learn real world work habits...

(Cut to shot of Daria standing at the bar, polishing a glass [we presume she's not serving drinks, but who knows!]. Off screen we hear a heavy beat along with the obnoxious lyrics of the Ricky Martin song. Herky-jerky pan-over reveals a room crowded with people dancing, while lights swirl all around. The camera jerks to a stop over Kevin and Brittany. Cut to close-up.)

KEVIN: Babe, I'm tellin' ya, no girl in that house even comes close to you.

BRITTANY: Aww, Kevvy... (gets into her jealousy mode.) Well they'd better not! Or else I'll just have to get even with you for being a two-timer! (Pause. sees Kevin looking off screen with an aroused look on his face.) Kevvy?

KEVIN: Who-hoooo... check out Sandi.

(Cut to herky-jerky shot of Sandi dancing with Jamie, both of whom look like they're pretty into it. Resume shot of Kevin and Brittany. Brittany slaps him across the face, storms off.)

(Cut to shot of Daria. A bouncer comes up to her.)

BOUNCER: Yo, Daria - want me to eject that clown?

(He points off screen. Jerky pan-over to Upchuck, whom we see getting in the middle of two couples, taking the unwilling women aside, and dancing with them simultaneously. Resume shot of Daria.)

DARIA: Sure. But don't let him know your orders came from me. (Bt.) On second thought, do.

BOUNCER: Gotcha.

(Cut to shot of Upchuck. The bouncer appears, grips his arm, and drags him kicking and protesting away.)

(Cut to shot of Daria in the share box, looking weary. Cue music: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah McLachlan.)

DARIA: Overall, I've had to endure three days of my privacy being plundered like never before. I'm starting to wonder what this constant stream of attention will turn me and my housemates into. And all I can say is --

(She's interrupted by a crashing sound. In the background, we see Kevin and Brittany fall into the share box, making out passionately.)

BRITTANY: Neat-o make-out room, Kevvy!

KEVIN: What'd I tell ya, babe??

(Daria at first looks startled. Then she groans.)

DARIA: It's gonna be a long three weeks.

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Daria and Quinn watching the "Real World."]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Daria's cousin Erin gets thigh sweats for Trent, and now she's in hot pursuit... and threatening to turn the Morgendorffers' lives upside down. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

In the spirit of the episode, I've decided to make all of my commercials for stupid MTV programs...

On the next "Real World": Someone goes skinny-dipping! Someone nearly drinks herself to death! Two cast members declare their undying love for each other... then hop into bed! And that's just in the first episode!!! Be there to watch the sh hit the fan on "Road Rules: Hawaii"! Oops, I mean "The Real World." Damn things seem so much alike...

On the next "Fanatic": "Hi, I'm Suzy Lou from Madison, Wisconsin, and I get to meet... Tom Green! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I, like, think he's the greatest comedian on the face of the earth. When he licked the butt of that cow, he inspired me to be a better person. When he surprised that old lady by jumping out of a corner dressed in a vampire costume, he inspired me to try hard every day and never give up on my dreams! (Pause) No, MTV is not paying me to say this! I'm not an actress, I'm, like, a real person. (pause.) Really! Just because MTV made us fans audition first..."

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

SURREAL WORLD

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (continuation of the previous scene)

(Shot of the inside of the share box. Off screen, we hear heavy sounds of making out, and occasionally see elbows popping up. Finally Kevin and Brittany sit up, lean against a wall as they continue to make out.)

BRITTANY: (extracting herself just long enough to say: ) This share pillow is really great to lean on, Kevvy!

KEVIN: Cool, babe.

(They resume making out.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (morning, a day or two later)

(Cue music: "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray.)

(Shot of the sun rising. Shaky pan-over of the town, then the neighborhood. We see people mowing lawns, picking up newspapers, riding their bicycles. Zero in on the house. Cut to shot of Sandi staggering into the bathroom, looking bed-rumpled, obviously unaware that she's being filmed. Herky-jerky cut to shot of Tiffany. She's lying in bed, and the lump next to her reveals that she's not alone.)

(Cut to shaky shot of pancakes sizzling in a frying pan. Zoom out to reveal that the chef is Jodie. She's standing over a stove that looks as though it could double as the control panel of a spaceship. To her left is a gigantic refrigerator with magnets on it that are suspiciously shaped like the Microsoft logo. Behind her, in the middle of the kitchen, is a long, white-tiled counter. Daria is sitting there, eating cereal and looking rumpled and tired.)

JODIE: Where were you earlier?

DARIA: Unburdening my soul to the multitude.

JODIE: (amused) You mean you've finally embraced the concept of the share box?

DARIA: No, but it's one of the few rooms in this house where I can be by myself. Theoretically speaking.

JODIE: C' mon, Daria, the people here aren't so bad.

DARIA: They're not so good, either.

JODIE: All right, I won't argue with you about Sandi. Seeing her at student council meetings is bad enough. But the rest --

(She's interrupted by Kevin waltzing in. He opens up the fridge, takes out a carton of milk, then opens it and guzzles it down so that half of it pours onto his shirt. He then drops the carton on the ground and stomps it flat.)

KEVIN: Yeeeeeeeeeeah! I'm bad to the bone!! (to Daria and Jodie.) You'd better watch out for the Kev-man! This is me on niiiiiiiine -- you ain't seen me on... uh... (sees Jodie's cold expression.)

JODIE: (no-nonsense) Pick that up.

(Beat)

KEVIN: Hmmm, okay. (picks up the carton, leaves quickly.)

(Daria give Jodie a look that says, "I rest my case." Jodie sighs heavily.)

JODIE: (philosophical) Well hey, look on the bright side: you may see the less-attractive parts of people's personalities, but you also get to see their sweet side. (Bt. smiles) You know, you do this cute little snore when you're asleep.

DARIA: (reddening) Do not.

(Cut to a shot obviously taken sometime during the night, of Daria doing just that. Resume present shot.)

DARIA: But while we're on the subject, (smirks wickedly) I had no idea you were such a big Celine Dion fan.

(Jodie turns red. Cut to flashback shot of Jodie getting dressed that morning. She's bopping around and singing - you guessed it - the Titanic song. Resume present shot.)

JODIE: Well... we've all got our quirks, myself included. (Bt.) But seriously, didn't writing that article for Lowdown make you more interested in learning about people's insides?

(Daria gets a slightly subdued look, remembering some of the reactions she got during her last round of survey-taking. [See "Breaking the Mold."])

DARIA: To be honest, I think I got a little too close for comfort. Besides, how likely are we to see our housemates' innermost thoughts? We're on television.

(She glances over her shoulder -- pan over to show a camera that's practically in her face. Cut to shot taken from that camera's P.O.V. Daria's back is to us in the foreground, and we can see Jodie in the background.)

JODIE: So?

DARIA: So... has it escaped you that because we're being filmed, our housemates aren't acting quite natural?

JODIE: Besides a little posing for the camera, I don't see any change.

DARIA: But that posing for the camera makes all the difference. That's about all each cast on "The Real World" ever does...

(As she speaks, the camera slowly veers away from Daria and focuses on Kevin, who has been standing in the corner, holding the flattened milk carton over a garbage can. The garbage can is automatic: every time Kevin holds the milk carton close, grinders in the can start to whirl. Knowing that the camera's on him, Kevin now plays a game where he holds the carton close, then pulls it away last-minute. Once in a while, he looks directly at the camera and winks.)

DARIA: (off screen) ... All of their emotions are heightened. Each of their trivial, stupid conflicts gets blown into a crisis. Tears are shed. Cast members veer between giving pretentious speeches about the emptiness in their souls to stabbing each other in the back.

JODIE: (off screen) Wow. You sure know a lot about "The Real World."

DARIA: (embarrassed) Umm...

(Finally the garbage can snatches Kevin's milk carton and turns it into pulp.)

KEVIN: Aw, man!

(The cameraman, obviously disappointed that Kevin's show is over, steers the camera back toward Daria and Jodie.)

DARIA: My point is that in spite of his legal concerns, Skip wants us be like the people on that show. He wants us to exaggerate our behavior to outrageous levels, because what better way to market us to the cable network? We'd be "the peep show you don't want to miss" -- the perfect trap to ensnare gullible teen viewers. Who, in turn, would become gullible teen consumers of the products they advertise during commercial breaks.

JODIE: Hmmm, maybe so... but what makes you so sure we will act that way? Those people audition to be on the show. Skip picked us. Yeah, maybe he had a plan in mind when he did, but that doesn't mean we have to follow it.

DARIA: You may want to run that idea past our starstricken housemates.

JODIE: C' mon, you're always so cynical. Why not wait out the three weeks, and I bet you'll find that this experience was nothing like "The Real World."

(Just then, we see Sandi come in, with Jamie pursuing her. Sandi is still in her pajamas, but is now evidently groomed. Jamie's hair mussed up and his shirt is off, revealing pubescent pecs.)

JAMIE: Aw c' mon, Sandi! Don't tell me last night didn't mean anything!

(Sandi eyes him with some irritation and discomfort. Daria looks at Jodie with a "Could I be any more correct?" expression. Jodie pretends not to see. Just then, Kevin waltzes on screen and slaps Jamie on the back.)

KEVIN: Hey-heeeeeeey! Way to go, Jasmine, my bro!!

(Cue music: "Beautiful Stranger" by Madonna. Cut to frontal shot of Kevin in the share box. He spikes his football and does the chicken dance.)

KEVIN: Wha-hooo! Wha-hoooooooo!! Jasmine and Sandi! Way-to-gooooooo! I'm the Q.B.! Whoo-hoooo!

(Cut to flashback scene of earlier that morning -- Sandi and Jamie are lying in Sandi's bed. Sandi is propped up on one elbow, and seems to be looking at something off screen, while Jamie looks at her like a lovesick puppy.)

SANDI: I don't know... maybe it's this being young and trying to find my identity in, like, this fast-changing world, or whatever. But for some reason, I've been, like, totally turned on to you these past couple of days.

JAMIE: Me, too!

SANDI: So... d' you think I'd look good posing on the beach with, like, Ananda introducing MTV videos?

JAMIE: Ohhhh yeah.

(Cut to shot of Jamie in the share box.)

JAMIE: I've never met a girl like Sandi. She makes me feel even better than that girl I used to like. (pause) And I am not gay.

(Cut to the present shot of Sandi, Jamie, Daria, Jodie, and Kevin in the kitchen. Sandi gets a somewhat pitying look on her face.)

SANDI: Look Jerome, you're a nice guy and all, but what happened was, like, a one-night impulse thing, understand?

(Jamie seems to not get her meaning for a few seconds. Then it sinks in, and he nods slowly. Daria cocks an eyelid, while Jodie frowns at Sandi with deep irritation.)

DARIA: (deadpan) I'd say you came through loud and clear.

(Sandi picks up on the hidden meaning of her words and frowns at Daria.)

SANDI: Like, who asked you??

DARIA: Excuse me?

SANDI: You're, like, always being some big know-it-all about stuff, and it's, like, really annoying.

JODIE: (irritated) Annoying?? You're one to --

(Just then, Tiffany walks into the kitchen, pursued by Upchuck.)

UPCHUCK: Tiffany, my sweet, don't tell me last night didn't mean anything!

TIFFANY: Ewwwwwwwww.

(Everyone else in the room gets a stunned expression on their face.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (montage of scenes throughout the week)

(Cue music: "Prisoner" by 311)

(Herky-jerky pan-over shot of the outside of the house, at night)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Well after that little display, I was convinced that my assumptions had been confirmed...

(Cut to frontal close-up of her in the share box, wearing a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: But somehow, what Jodie said about the surveys taking me closer to people's insides, and that we weren't the cast of "The Real World" got me thinking. Maybe it was because I was starving for more interaction with my Partner in Crime. Or because the unnaturally bright lighting in this house was causing me to have a seizure...

(Cut to overhead shot of Daria in the shower with the water running. We see her face -- she seems lost in thought -- but the steam from the water conceals any... um... unmentionables.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Or maybe it was because I'm going soft. But somehow, a part of me did not recoil at the idea of getting to know my housemates as human beings. At long last, I decided that if I had to be stuck with them in this pathetic experience, I may as well see if they're capable of acting humane.

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria standing by the doorway of the Pepsi room, leaning against a wall, with her arms folded. A camera man crouches beside her, his camera aimed toward activity off screen. Every few seconds, he and Daria eye each other warily.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So I've decided to observe.

(Cut to shot of Sandi and Tiffany sitting on the couch, unaware of Daria's presence. Sandi is doing Tiffany's nails.)

SANDI: (sober) Now Tiffany, tell me exactly what happened to lead you to the bed of Charles Ruttheimer.

(Pause. Tiffany goes noticeably pale and looks as though she would rather not say anything.)

TIFFANY: Uhhhh... well...

SANDI: (patting her hand) Don't be shy, Tiffany. This is Sandi you're talking to, remember? Not some wacked-out loser weirdo.

(Pause. Tiffany still looks reluctant, but finally: )

TIFFANY: Um... you were, like, asleep... and there was an icky spider on my pillow...

SANDI: (cringing slightly) Ugh. (Bt.) Like, a really icky one?

TIFFANY: (also cringing) Yeah. (Bt.) And Upchuck... he... and I... and he... and um...

(Sandi raises her hands for her to stop talking.)

SANDI: Say no more... I understand everything now. He, like, got you with the old spider maneuver, didn't he?? (shakes her head, sympathetic.) I've seen it before, and have almost fallen victim to it myself once or twice. When you're weak with fear from seeing something gross, the guy takes advantage of you.

TIFFANY: (nodding gratefully) Yeah.

SANDI: (frowning a tad) Someone obviously didn't do a good enough teaching you how to watch out for that stuff. (Bt.) But don't worry: I will.

(Tiffany continues to nod, looking even more relieved... for her. Cut to shaky shot of Daria by the door. She's got a reflective look on her face, as though she's mulling over the sincerity of Sandi and Tiffany's exchange. Just then, Upchuck bursts through the door, wearing a typical Tigerman expression. He taps his fingers, rolls his tongue.)

UPCHUCK: So, Tiffany my sweet, have we gotten over our little inhibitions? ? Realized that the Chuckster is --

SANDI: (shielding Tiffany) You stay AWAY from her!!!

(Tiffany shrinks back against the couch, looking a bit faint.)

UPCHUCK: Oh come on, Tiffany, I wasn't that bad, was I?? Yooou certainly weren't lacking. Grrrrrrrrrrr...

SANDI: (horrified) You're not saying you and she did it --?

TIFFANY: EWWWWWW!!! Nooooooooo!

(Upchuck turns red at her reaction, realizing it was a mistake to exaggerate the events that took place the night before. Sandi turns a megabitch glare on him.)

SANDI: Like, why don't you make like David in "Real World: Los Angeles" and get lost?!

(Upchuck chuckles a bit, trying to come up with a response.)

(Cut to close-up shot of him in the share box.)

UPCHUCK: (exaggerated remorse) Rejected... no woman's ever rejected the Chuckster before. (Pause) Or at least none that I'd actually succeeded in talking into my bed before -- and believe me, she wasn't the first! No way, ohhhh no! (cringes) It, like, fills my poor tender body with unspeakable PAIN!

(He turns around, starts to undo his pants.)

UPCHUCK: I mean what woman could resist firm flesh like this??

(He lowers his pants. The screen suddenly goes black and the word "CENSORED" flashes across it.)

(Resume shot of Upchuck, Sandi, and Tiffany in the present. Upchuck has recovered and is tapping his fingers together with anticipation.)

UPCHUCK: Give it time, Tiffany my love. Yoooou'll come around -- if someone else doesn't get to me first! Grrrrrrrrrrr...

SANDI: In your dreams, jerk.

(Off screen, we hear a groan. Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck turn their heads. Cut to shaky shot of Daria, in time to see her roll her eyes with disgust and leave the room. Resume previous shot. Sandi frowns after her, as does Tiffany.)

UPCHUCK: Perhaps, my dear Sandi, she doesn't agree with you...

(Cue music: "Who Will Save Your Soul?" by Jewel)

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting in her room with Jodie. Jodie is at a large desk, on top of which we see a blanket of papers, books, and folders that seem to pertain to all kinds of school-related activities. She's working diligently, but with a frown, and she seems noticeably edgy. Daria, meanwhile, is sitting on her bed, the Collected Works of Jonathan Swift in hand. She appears to be reading, but is actually observing Jodie over the edge of her book. We see a large camera in one corner of the room, red light glowing away, and a microphone dangling overhead. Finally, after several seconds, Jodie slams down her pencil.)

JODIE: Where is that music coming from??!

(Daria looks a tad startled by her vehemence. Then she shrugs.)

DARIA: Beats me. It was here when we arrived.

JODIE: Well it's driving me crazy. (With that, the Jewel song comes to an abrupt halt.) How am I supposed to work on this stupid crap with it playing all the time??

(She groans loudly and picks up her pencil. Daria cocks an eyelid, startled by her vehemence. After several seconds pass:)

DARIA: I suppose I should tell you that I took your adv--

JODIE: Not now, Daria, all right?? (Bt.) The whole stupid school is depending upon me to have this done tomorrow!

(She gets back to work. Daria gets an "O-kaaay" expression on her face, looks as though she'd like to say something more. But finally, after several more seconds, she quietly slips off the bed and leaves the room.)

(Re-cue music: "Who Will Save Your Soul?")

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting at the kitchen counter, trying to read her book. Suddenly a bunch of strangers walk past her. They seem to be mostly male, some high school age, some older. Daria lays down her book.)

DARIA: Who're you??

(The people get guilty, anxious looks on their faces. They glance at each other, then at Daria, then at each other again. Finally one guy tries to explain.)

GUY: Uh... we're friends of--uh...

(Meanwhile the other people are turned toward the cameras and waving and smiling.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Say no more. Head down the hall to the Pepsi room. There, you'll find other gatecrashing teens pretending to be friends of the house members, but who are really hoping to snare a lucky break by having their faces appear on a T.V. screen.

GROUP: Cool!!

(They flock in the direction of the Pepsi room. Suddenly Daria sees someone she recognizes.)

DARIA: Jesse???

(He stops. Yes, it's that Jesse.)

JESSE: Um... I-uh... like, recording artist exposure stuff. Um... don't tell Trent. (he leaves quickly.)

(Daria watches him go, then rolls her eyes. A few seconds later, from off screen: )

KEVIN: (off screen) Hey, Daria! Check this out!

(Suddenly his football flies on screen and knocks Daria's book off the counter. She watches it fall to the floor with a stunned expression, then turns to glare at Kevin. Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany on the other side of the room. Kevin pumps a fist.)

KEVIN: Yeeeeeeah! Bullseye, babe! How's that for your bad dude??

BRITTANY: That was neat-o, Kevvy! Gooooooooooo Kevin!

(She does a cartwheel across the floor and stops just short of one of the cameras. Cut to shaky shot of Daria. She presses her forehead to the counter. fade-out)

(Fade-in to shaky shot of Daria trudging down the hallway, near the Pepsi room. She's just about to walk past the door when Jamie comes out, wearing a glum expression. They both stop, look at each other. Suddenly we hear Sandi's laugh coming from inside, along with that of some of the gatecrashing males. Jamie gets an even more bleak expression. Daria frowns a tad, understanding the cause of his frustration, and looks as though she's going to speak. But then, Jamie turns and heads in the direction from which she came. Daria watches him go. Pause.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I've observed for a week, now, and I've yet to see anything approaching community in this house. Each time a new bond is formed, it gets ripped apart. Each day doles out new misery for one or more house members. We live in factions, never talking to anyone from a different faction. And then there's another problem...

(After watching Jamie go, Daria turns and walks in the opposite direction -- and almost runs right smack into a camera. Her eyes widen and she steps back, then shudders a little. Then she frowns.)

(Fade-in to shot of Daria, later that night, in the bathroom. She lays a washcloth over the lens of one camera, then climbs into the shower. Starts to take off her bathrobe, when she notices something on the nozzle. Cut to Daria's POV -- the nozzle has a tiny glowing red light. Cut to a shot taken from an overhead angle -- the same angle of Daria we saw earlier in Act Two. This time, she's staring at the camera lens with a glaring expression. We then see her reach off to the side, off screen, and grab something. She shakes her arm, then points a can of shaving cream at the camera. Squirts. We see a stream of white foam, and then the screen goes black.)

(Fade-in to shot of Daria under the covers, at night. Suddenly she lifts the covers and peeks out. She then frowns and sits up. Pan over to reveal a camera, practically in her face. Daria stares at the camera for several seconds, before reaching forward and flicking on the lens cap. No sooner does she do that then the cameraman removes it. Daria wilts, but continues her staredown with the camera -- she refuses to let it get the better of her. Cut to close-up of the camera lens -- a soulless, unyielding black circle with a glowing recording light. Cut to close-up of Daria. She groans and finally lets herself fall backward against her pillow. fade-out.)

(Music ends. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside.)

SKIP: (off screen voice-over) This experiment is going fabulously!

(Cut to shot of him sitting with Ms. Li in her office.)

SKIP: I can see it all coming together -- tempers are starting to fray, ill-advised love affairs are starting to go awry! Pretty soon this house will be a tinderbox waiting for the right match!

MS. LI: Ooooooh excellent. SUQZ will by dyyyyying to buy this up!

SKIP: Dying?? They've already gone to heaven! Not only has this season been bought up, but next season, too! Not to mention our new experimental "Classroom On the Road." I've already got students auditioning!

MS. LI: Oooh-hooo! Oooh! That's more money in the bank than I could ever dreeeam of! You are a genius, Skip.

SKIP: (doing the "right back atcha" finger point) No, you're the genius for hiring me, Angela!

MS. LI: And you got the parents to bug off -- even the pushy, insistent, self-riiiiiiighteous, always wanting to have their own way ones!

SKIP: Hey, nothing like the promise of a little litigation work headed their way. (exaggerated wink.)

MS. LI: I knew my car got sideswiped by the right person.

SKIP: And with the profits on this baby covering the cost of repairs, I'm only going to ask for forty percent as my share.

(Ms. Li stops smirking. Her eyes narrow.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (auditorium, at that same time)

(Shot of the outside. We hear the chants of protesting students -- the same ones harassing Daria in Act One.)

STUDENTS: (chanting) What do we want?? For-you-to-take-your-degrading-portrayal-of-student-culture-and-your-invasive- means-of-revealing-our-lives-to-another-city! When do we want it?? NOW!

(Cut inside the auditorium. There are long, loooong lines of students waiting to audition. One line reveals Quinn, Stacy, and the remaining two Js. Quinn is frowning and talking on a cell phone, while the others twitch nervously and eye their competition.)

STACY: (watching one girl trudge by) Wow, she's pretty and she plays three different sports. And co-founded the suicide hotline!

JOEY: I guess they didn't think she was interesting enough.

STACY: (faint sounds of hyperventilating) Oh gosh... I hope I can make in on! I hear "Class Land 2" gets to run a clothing boutique and take a trip to Monaco!

JEFFY: And they've got a built-in movie deal.

JOEY/JEFFY/STACY: Ooooooh!

QUINN: (irritated) Guys, keep it down! (returns to her phone call.) What do you mean you watched "Fashion Fusion" with Sandi?? I thought we were s'posed to watch it together.

TIFFANY: (from the receiver) I forgot to call you.

QUINN: (not buying it) You forgot? Ohhh sure, you forgot. (Bt.) And I s'pose you also forgot to call and invite me over every other day these past two weeks?!

TIFFANY: Umm...

QUINN: (curt) Never mind. Why don't you just go off and play with Sandi in your freaking mansion since you obviously like her so much. (hangs up the phone.)

(Pause. We see that Stacy's been watching Quinn, a subdued expression on her face.)

STACY: (hesitant) Um, Quinn...

QUINN: (turning to her, tossing up her hands) I can't believe it, Stacy! I can't believe she'd betray us like that.

STACY: Quinn, don't you think that maybe you're rushing to judg--?

QUINN: (not paying attention. reflective) Maybe what she needs is for someone to drop by and remind her of her Fashion Club duties. (Bt.) Y' know I really should pay Tiffany a visit one of these days...

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (back at the house)

(Cue music: "Someday" by Sugar Ray)

(Herky-jerky pan-over of the outside. We see several people sitting around, including Daria and Jane on the edge of the roof. Cut to shaky shot of them. Daria's looking as weary as ever, while Jane looks sympathetic. Over Jane's head we see the words "Daria's Friend" in squiggly white writing, with an arrow pointing to her.)

JANE: So you never struck gold in your quest for realness, huh?

DARIA: (deadpan) Not even fool's gold. I'd say my suspicions have been handily confirmed. Thanks to the wonders of television, the people in my house are quarrelsome, reckless, back-biting posers who are about as real as a supermodel's breasts. If MTV saw us, they'd call our show "Real World: the Next Generation."

(Jane cringes, peers downward. Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck seated by the outdoor pool. Sandi and Tiffany are sunbathing, and several gatecrashing males are helping out by adjusting their umbrellas or rubbing suntan lotion on them. Upchuck, meanwhile, is lying on his stomach, getting a massage from two girls [he's obviously gotten over Tiffany]. Off screen, we hear the sounds of tennis being played. Suddenly a tennis ball whizzes on screen and knocks the suntan lotion out of one of the guys' hands.)

KEVIN: (off screen) Yeeeeeeeah! I'm one bad dude!

SANDI: KEVIN!!! (sits up straight, glares off screen.) Would you cut it OUT?! Skip, like, said you're s'posed to be the good guy -- not the obnoxious loser who no one likes!!

(Beat)

KEVIN: (off screen) Ohhhhhh. Gotcha!

(Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: Hmm... I think see what you mean.

DARIA: The constant exposure is even getting to me. I haven't been nearly as sarcastic as I usually am.

JANE: Yeah. You just missed the perfect opportunity to mock Kevin.

DARIA: (weary) I've been so inundated with his stupidity, it's not even worth it. What's more, I keep finding myself unable to relax -- to make mistakes, to scratch myself in places no one has a right to see -- out of fear that it will find its way on tape. It's eaten away at my natural responses and turned my into a nervous, bitter wreck.

JANE: (sardonic) And I guess if you tried to vent your hostility by sending everyone to a violent, bloody death, you'd risk getting caught on tape. (Bt. cocks a brow) Unless you did it from up here.

(Daria shakes her head and points upward. Cut to shot from their P.O.V. -- we see a helicopter hovering noiselessly overhead, a camera extending from it. That's where all of the herky-jerky pan-overs have been coming from. Resume previous shot. Jane looks up at it, bursts out laughing with amusement and embarrassment, and waves. Daria remains impassive.)

JANE: Whoops... I wondered where that breeze was coming from.

DARIA: (sarcastic) And I can tell you're really upset about it.

JANE: (shrugging) Well let's put it this way: while I'd never want the claustrophobic life of a starlet, I do sort of envy you guys in your opportunity to present all sides of yourselves -- even if no one takes it. Sometimes I feel like all anyone ever sees is happy-go-lucky Jane, without knowing the twisted, tormented soul that lurks within.

DARIA: Then maybe you would have coped better with this experience.

JANE: (shrugging again) Maybe. But at least you have Jodie as your isle of normalcy.

(Daria cocks an eyelid. Cut to flashback shot of Jodie and Daria in the kitchen that morning. Daria's reading at the counter, while Jodie's cooking. Suddenly Jodie flings down the spatula so hard, it nearly knocks her pan onto the ground.)

JODIE; Stupid kitchen. I can't work anything in here!

(Resume present shot of Daria and Jane.)

DARIA: Guess again. Let's just say that Jodie's feeling the strain of constant surveillance as well. (Bt.) But you know what really concerns me?

JANE: What?

(Bt.)

DARIA: (more subdued) What if this behavior isn't the result of people being watched? What if this is how they always behave when they're alone??

JANE: So that means what you've always believed when you heckled them at school is true. So what?

DARIA: (weary) Yeah -- so what?? (Pause) Only that I never really wanted to get close enough to see if it was true. I was happy with my ignorance, because it kept me from plunging into despair. But now...

JANE: (sympathetic) Hey... a three-week experience under the strangest of circumstances can't teach you that much about the other members of your species.

DARIA: Maybe not. But what I can safely say is that I'm stuck with a deepening mystery -- of where the posers leave off and the real personalities begin. (groans) And it's getting to me. (Bt. glances downward.) And no one's done a more expert job at obscuring reality than Sandi.

(Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck as before. We see Jamie creep over to Sandi, crouch down beside her.)

JAMIE: Um... Sandi. We, um, have to talk.

(Sandi looks up at him, gets a slightly embarrassed look on her face.)

SANDI: Josh, I've, like, said all that needs to be said.

JAMIE: Actually, my name's --

SANDI: Look, I told you that you're a nice guy, and stuff, but it was one night.

JAMIE: (getting a morose expression on his face) It wasn't one night to me, Sandi. It was... my, um... my...

(Sandi catches his meaning and reddens a little.)

SANDI: Oh. I... (pause) I-I didn't know. (long pause. vaguely apologetic) Look... like I said, I wasn't thinking straight, and besides, directors like bedroom scenes, so I thought --

JAMIE: Huh???

SANDI: Um, nothing. (Bt.) Listen, I've got two dates tonight at the nightclub, but how'd you like to be my emergency back-up in case the others cancel?

(Pause. Jamie finally nods. After several more seconds, he finally gets up and leaves. Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jane and Daria. The helicopter microphone has picked up the dialogue, so they've overheard the exchange. Jane is frowning darkly.)

JANE: (sarcastic) Ah yes, the mystery is when that girl ever stops posing. User of men, smearer of good names... our little Sandi is just full of ways to get attention. (Bt. smirks wickedly) In fact, I feel like giving her some right now. (calling out) Yoo-hoo... Sandi!!

(She waves down at her. Cut to shot of Sandi on the ground. She looks up, then turns scarlet. Cut to shot from her P.O.V. We see Jane waving, an exaggerated smile on her face, and Daria smirking beside her.)

JANE: Remember me?? It's Jane Lane! Remember? Your pal JANE... LANE! It's great to see you! Gosh, when did we last see each other?? It's slipped my mind...

(Resume shot of Sandi. She does a wave, mumbles some sort of greeting, then tries to ignore Jane. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria on the roof. Jane now smirks with satisfaction.)

JANE: I so love tormenting that girl. (Bt.) Now that's the kind of fun you should be having with this experience.

DARIA: Think she'll ever be embarrassed enough to apologize to you? [*] see "Outvoted"

JANE: (shrugging) Who knows?? But seriously -- if you're gonna be on T.V., and you feel like the world's turned upside down and people aren't being real, one thing you could do is let yourself go crazy.

DARIA: (disbelief) You want me to act like them??

JANE: No. But what I'm saying is that you're going to be influencing hundreds of impressionable young minds with this T.V. program of yours... why not take the opportunity to mess with their heads a little?

(Daria pauses to absorb what Jane said. Then she smirks. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (house, the next evening)

(Cue music: "Adia" by Sarah McLachlan)

(Herky-jerky shot of the outside of the house.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So I decided to take Jane's advice. But I soon learned that messing with all of your wonderful minds wasn't as easy as I thought it would be...

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria at the kitchen counter, looking through several sheets of paper with a mild frown of concentration on her face. Every so often, she reaches for a nearby plate of celery sticks topped with peanut butter and takes a bite.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Perusal of my contract revealed that it's air-tight. No messing with the camera lenses. No torching the house or the share box. (Bt.) No pumping anti-establishment recordings into the sound system, including Beatnik poetry, white supremacist mottos --

(Daria looks up from the papers.)

DARIA: There go those KKK slogans I wanted to try. (long pause. looks at the camera) That was a joke.

(She resumes looking at the papers.)

DARIA: (continuing off screen voice-over) or any music by an artist with a sharp utensil for a first name. No alcohol. No drugs. No smoking. No rapping. No rapping while smoking. No hitting someone with a closed fist -- although hitting someone with an open hand is permissible as long as it's done in the heat of anger. That is also the only time you can refer to someone as a "bitch" or a "ho."

(Daria sighs heavily and chomps down hard on a celery stick.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Anyway, the list goes on, and I still hadn't reached the end of the preamble. (Bt.) Oh, and did I forget to mention that this is supposed to be a television show based on our natural behavior?

(Just then, we see Sandi walk into the kitchen. She at first seems to not notice Daria, as she's heading toward the back pantry.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I was beginning to think that I was out of luck -- until fate stepped in...

(Sandi stops abruptly, and turns to look at the jar of peanut butter sitting on the counter. She walks back over to Daria and stands across from her, on the other side of the counter. Picks up the jar, looks at it with some disbelief, then frowns at Daria.)

SANDI: Like, excuse me, what do you think you're doing with that??

DARIA: (deadpan) I'm using it as super glue to create the ultimate food sculpture. (Bt.) Or ingesting it. I haven't decided.

SANDI: (frowning) Look, cousin of that girl-I-hate-so-much-I-can't-even-say-her-name-right-now, that's my peanut butter.

DARIA: (glancing at her plate of celery sticks) Oh. Sorry. If you feel my unpopular essence has tainted it, I think Jodie has another jar stashed away somewhere.

SANDI: (rolling her eyes with disgust) I can't, like, use a common supermarket variety -- mine is organically grown. (points to the label.)

DARIA: (looking) Oh. (Bt.) So do all organically-grown foods have no flavor?

SANDI: (losing her temper) It's not for eating, it's for rubbing over your skin!

DARIA: And would there be any organically-grown jelly to go with that?

SANDI: Your skin absorbs the nutrients and gets an afterglow. God, you, like, know nothing about skin care treatments!

(Beat)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Wearing peanut butter... no, I'm afraid I don't have the guts to test out that fashion statement. My gut is only made for one thing. (pats her stomach.) And if you don't mind my saying so, I think the peanut butter has gone to a better place.

(Pause. Sandi frowns darkly at Daria.)

SANDI: You just, like, think everything's so funny, don't you??

DARIA: (deadpan) I didn't realize I was laughing.

SANDI: You've been, like, making fun of us this whole time. You're just a... a bully.

DARIA: (stunned) Excuse me??

(Sandi leans in closer to her.)

SANDI: You heard what I said -- and you know what?? I am fed up with it. Eating my peanut butter without permission and then making fun of me was the last straw. (Bt.) I'm calling a house meeting.

(She pulls back, turns away, and leaves. Pause. Daria turns and looks at the camera, wearing an "O-kaaay" expression on her face.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Just when I thought I couldn't do any damage, I found that I'd messed with someone's mind. Sandi is apparently convinced that I'm out to get her. Or at least she's pretending to be convinced. Either way, my life has taken a definite turn toward the surreal.

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Kevin dropping the milk carton and stomping it flat, while Daria and Jodie look on.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

On the next "Tom Green Show": Watch Tom try to make Suzy Lou of Wisconsin pretend to be an exotic dancer for a local businessmen's banquet. Then watch him create the ultimate spit glob -- and chuck it at customers coming out of a supermarket! Oh the laughter and good times!

On the next "Celebrity Death Match": Watch the characters from "Undressed" get down and dirty!!! Then watch Celine Dion battle Deion Sanders to see WHO has the right to bear the name "Dion"! (Pause) Yeah, we know they spell their names differently! But hey, look... MTV's green-lighted us for three more seasons, and we have to come up with matchups somehow!

On the next "Total Request Live": Will 'N Sync's latest succeed in knocking Britney Spears's latest out of first place?? What will The Backstreet Boys say when we talk to them live and in person??! You won't wanna miss it!!!

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

SURREAL WORLD

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (later that night)

(Cue music: "The Last Stop" by the Dave Matthews Band)

(Shot of the outside of the house.)

JODIE: (off screen voice-over) She called you a what?!

(Cut to shaky shot of Sandi and Tiffany in their room.)

SANDI: (sober) A bully. (Bt.) Like, haven't you noticed how she's always saying mean things to everyone??

TIFFANY: Yeah.

SANDI: (eyes narrowing) I'll bet anything that Quinn put her up to it.

TIFFANY: That's soooo wrong.

SANDI: Ever since the very beginning she's been on my case. Our first meeting with Skip --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white flashback shot of Daria, Sandi, and the rest of the students in Ms. Li's office.)

DARIA: (slo-mo) Yeah -- role models for our sick, sad generation.

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) Or when we were all in front of the mirror --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot of Sandi, Tiffany, Jodie, and Daria in the bathroom.)

DARIA: (slo-mo) Since I don't quite have your zeal for seeking attention...

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) Or that morning after I spent the night with Jermaine --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot of Sandi, Jamie, Jodie, Daria, and Kevin in the kitchen.)

DARIA: (slo-mo) I'd say you came through loud and clear.

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) And when she and her friend were making fun of me on the roof --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot from Sandi's P.O.V. of Jane waving and Daria smirking.)

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) And now this. I'm telling you, Tiffany: she's, like, getting out of control.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Cut to frontal close-up of Tiffany in the share box.)

TIFFANY: Quinn's cousin is soooooo wrong. (long pause) Is it true the camera adds ten pounds?

(Cut to shaky overhead shot of Daria and Jodie in their room.)

JODIE: (disbelief) You ate her peanut butter??

DARIA: Either that, or some really tasty candle wax.

(Jodie shakes her head.)

JODIE: That's what got her upset?? But she uses my stuff all the time without permission. (Bt. sounding bitter) All she wants is an audience.

(Cut to frontal close-up of Jodie in the share box.)

JODIE: Sandi's gone too far -- what Daria did was an accident. She's just looking for an excuse to turn on the waterworks in front of the camera. And after what she did to Jane in the election, and the nasty attitude she's shown around here, I can't keep it to myself anymore. (Bt.) Somebody's got to teach her a lesson.

(Cut to frontal close-up of Jane in the share box.)

JANE: Wha-hooooooo! I've always wanted to be in one of these things!! (Bt.) Um, I mean... (sobers up) I've known Daria a long time, and she's not the type to intentionally upset someone... (mumble) unless urged on by a friend. (Bt.) That would require actually giving a damn about that person in the first place.

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria and Sandi in front of the bathroom mirror that same night. Sandi's washing her face, Daria's brushing her teeth. Both keep eyeing each other somewhat warily.)

(Cut to frontal close-up of Kevin in the share box.)

KEVIN: Y' know, 'cause I'm the good guy an' all, it's hard for me to take sides. But man, I gotta go with Sandi on this one...

(Cut to shot of the half-eaten jar of peanut butter. Zoom in for a close-up.)

KEVIN: (off screen voice-over) I mean this is peanut butter, dudes. Peanut butter!

(Cut to frontal close-up of Upchuck in the share box.)

UPCHUCK: Grrrrr... two luscious ladies. Why must the Chuckster choose one over the other?? (Bt.) But Daria did have that bouncer throw me out...

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot of the bouncer dragging Upchuck out of Lawndale Sizzling Hot Nites.)

(Cut to frontal close-up of Jamie in the share box.)

JAMIE: I really, um, wanna not like Sandi after the way she's been treating me. (Pause. wilts) Aww, but I can't...

(He gets a depressed look on his face. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (house meeting, the next evening)

(Cue music: "One Way Or Another" by Blondie)

(Shaky shot of the outside.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Before I knew it, D-Day had arrived. I could immediately feel the carrion birds circling...

(Cut to shaky overhead shot of everyone gathered together in the Pepsi room. Daria and Jodie sit on one side of the room, the rest of the house sits on the other. Daria seems calm, almost amused by the whole situation. Everyone else is serious... even Kevin.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So to think that all this time, while I was finding reasons to dislike my housemates, they, too, were piecing together clues from my behavior and jumping to their own conclusions. (Bt.) This experience just keeps getting more and more positive.

(There's a silence in the room that's diluted only by the annoying music playing, until at last Sandi breaks it.)

SANDI: Well, where should we start?

KEVIN: (leaping up, pointing a finger accusingly) You're OUT of the house, Daria!!!

(Daria cocks an eyelid, unfazed.)

SANDI: (annoyed) Kevin. Not so fast. We have to give her a trial first, like they did with Puck in "Real World: San Francisco." That's, like, the most civilized method.

JODIE: (angry) No it's not! Guys, this is stupid. You don't have any reason to be mad at Daria. Sandi, you barely knew who she was until two weeks ago.

SANDI: So?? Didn't Skip tell us the purpose of our living together was, like, to get to know each other??

DARIA: (deadpan) That amongst other pearls of wisdom.

(Sandi glares at her.)

SANDI: Well I've gotten to know her, and I don't think I want to any longer. She's like this creepy-crawly person who gets under your skin. No wonder Skip kept getting mad at her.

JODIE: Why should Skip's reaction matter so much?

SANDI: Well he is, like, our boss, in case you've forgotten.

JODIE: I sure haven't. How could I when you remind us every few minutes?

SANDI: (frowning) What's that supposed to mean?

JODIE: It means --

DARIA: (sighing) Look, this is my inquisition, is it not? Why don't we get down to business.

KEVIN: Yeah. You're OUT of the house, Daria!

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Shut up.

SANDI: (to Jodie) There now, you see?? She, like, can't be nice to anyone.

TIFFANY: Yeah. That girl's always saying how stupid we are.

UPCHUCK: You do put forth an unpleasant demeanor, Daria my sweet.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

JODIE: Well I've known Daria longer than some of you have. She may seem stand-offish, she may say things that sound a bit harsh, but inside, she's a really sweet person.

(Daria reddens a little at her praise. The others take a moment to absorb Jodie's remark.)

JODIE: Come on -- you've lived with her for two weeks, and you haven't seen her do one nice thing?

(Pause. The others glance at each other, then pause to think for several seconds. Slowly, Kevin, Upchuck, Jamie, and even Tiffany get uncomfortable looks on their faces.)

JAMIE: (hesitant) Well... I guess it's true she hasn't really been mean.

KEVIN: Yeah... she kinda just sits in the corner... like a stray dog, or somethin'.

DARIA: Thank you, Kevin.

(Jodie looks pointedly at Sandi. Sandi at first returns her gaze defiantly, then glances at Daria and rolls her eyes.)

SANDI: (grudging) All right. Let us say that I did exaggerate some of her wrongs against myself -- that would still leave the peanut butter incident. You can't deny that she acted in an insulting manner when she put it in her mouth and said that it had gone to a better place.

JODIE: Sandi, I'm sure Daria didn't mean to use your peanut butter. And I'm definitely sure she didn't use it with the sole purpose of getting on your nerves.

DARIA: Actually... I did.

SANDI & JODIE: What??

(Pause. The other house members gaze at Daria with interest. Sandi looks both irritated and smug, while Jodie looks stunned.)

DARIA: Or rather, I should say that I was looking for a way to get on people's nerves, and the peanut butter became a convenient mode of transportation.

JODIE: But why??

(Pause. Cut to frontal close-up of Jodie in the share box.)

JODIE: I have to say I was shocked when I heard her say that. I mean this is Daria. She reacts, she doesn't act -- especially not in a way that could hurt people's feelings. It makes me wonder what else I don't know about her...

(Resume present shot of the group. Daria remains impassive, but there's the slightest hint that she regrets her admission. She turns to Sandi.)

DARIA: I think you might understand the reason. What's the point of my being real? No one else was, so why should I? We're not here to get to know each other, we're here to be on television -- which involves being as inconsiderate and attention-grabbing as possible. So I chose to do something that would provoke an instant negative response. And here we are.

(Pause. Sandi looks a bit uncomprehending for a few seconds. Daria lowers her eyes.)

DARIA: And... I regret it.

(Pause. Sandi's still looking at her. Her face then softens a tad, but before she can reply: )

QUINN: (off screen. sing-songy) Hel-lohhhhhh.

(Everyone in the group turns to look, stunned, as she enters the doorway.)

DARIA: (under her breath) You have an unbelievably lousy sense of timing.

TIFFANY: (surprised) Quinn.

SANDI: (stunned) What're you doing here??

QUINN: (faux chipper) What d' you mean? Can't a friend and relative visit her friend and relative??

(She glances at Daria, then at Tiffany and Jamie. Her cheerful expression wavers slightly. Cut to frontal close-up of Quinn in the share box. Cue music: "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette.)

QUINN: So, like, I get there, and what do I see but Tiffany and Sandi are, like, sitting together. But even worse -- Jordan was practically falling all over Sandi! It filled me with... (looks down, as though she's reading something.) so much unspeakable pain and torment, I was, like, ready to... perish. (Pause) Oh, and Daria was in trouble, or something.

(Resume present shot of the group.)

JODIE: Um, we're sort of busy.

QUINN: (walking into the room, cheerfulness fading from her demeanor) Oh that's okay, I won't waste your time. Certainly Sandi didn't waste hers. (Bt. to Sandi) Y' know I came here expecting to find that you'd lured Tiffany away from me, and I was right. (turns to Tiffany. frustrated, resentful.) So go ahead, Tiffany, why don't you be her vice-president again? Or maybe you two and Stacy can just force me to leave the Fashion Club.

TIFFANY: (genuine surprise) What are you talking about, Quinn?

SANDI: (to Tiffany) You were going to make me president??

QUINN: Oh, like it wasn't your whole stupid plan all along. (looks at Jamie.) But Jordan, too? God, Sandi, d' you have to steal everyone who's attached to me??

SANDI: (indignant) I didn't, like, steal them from you. They weren't yours to begin with.

QUINN: Like I'm really gonna believe you.

SANDI: (more indignant) Hey, just because you weren't up to being in charge of them is no reason to take it out on me. Just because your lax example caused Tiffany to fall astray into the arms of a pervert... (her eyes trail toward Upchuck.)

(Tiffany goes pale. Quinn catches Sandi's meaning, looks at Upchuck with horror.)

QUINN: Ewwwwww! Tiffany!!!

UPCHUCK: Why do all ladies react to the Chuckster this way?

(Beat)

JODIE: I hate to say it, Sandi, but I can't blame her for not believing you. Like Daria said, you haven't been real to us once since we got here.

SANDI: (irritated) Oh, so you're, like, against me too now, are you? What a surprise.

(Beat)

JODIE: Against you?? (standing up, with a sudden flare of irritation.) Well if I'm against you, it wasn't by choice, believe me. In fact, one of the things I hoped for most when we came here was to find out what makes you act the way you do. I really wanted to find out that you weren't a complete bitch.

(Sandi goes pale. The others, even Quinn, look rather stunned by Jodie's bluntness.)

JODIE: But instead all I've seen is a snotty, negative attitude and a devotion to sticking to the role Skip picked for you. Is being noticed on TV so important that you can't just be nice, even a little??

SANDI: (angry) Like, when did this stupid meeting start being about me?? Who says I haven't been nice to anyone?!

TIFFANY: (very softly) She has. (No one hears her.)

SANDI: Just because I know how to take advantage of an opportunity when it hits, just because I don't want to be some loser who wakes up at age thirty and finds she's wasted her life modeling for used car ads when --

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Oh give it up, Sandi. Gawd, anyone could do a better job acting victimized than you can. Makes me wonder how you even landed the vixen role. (to the group.) Maybe she just had her mom buy it for her.

(Sandi knows what Quinn's making an allusion to. She vaults off the couch, stands across from Quinn so that they're only a couple of inches apart.)

SANDI: (dead serious) You leave her out of this.

QUINN: (not cowed) Why?? It's true, isn't it??

SANDI: (face turning purplish-red) No... no it is not true.

(Quinn appears ready to make a retort, when she gets a tap on the arm from Jamie.)

JAMIE: Quinn... (shakes his head slightly.)

(She looks at him with surprise -- none of the Js has ever tried to restrain her before. At first she glares at him, then she realizes that her comment was on the nasty side, and gets a somewhat remorseful look on her face. Meanwhile Sandi's bright red, shaking slightly, and seems oblivious to the other people.)

SANDI: She had nothing to do with this. She didn't buy me anything.

JODIE: (cool) Other than the vice-presidency.

SANDI: (swerving to face her) I never asked her to do that!

JODIE: No, but you went along with it, didn't you?? So a part of you must've thought it was okay.

(Meanwhile Quinn quietly slips away and takes a seat next to Daria. Daria's been watching this exchange with an impassive, yet intent, expression.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I was well aware that my presence at this meeting had long been forgotten. This was now a meeting of three individuals. (Bt. glances at Quinn.) Or should I say... two.

SANDI: No I didn't. I didn't think it was okay. There're a lot of things I wish she wouldn't do!

JODIE: (getting pissed) But you're still not sorry enough to resign as vice-president, are you?? Just as long as you're in the spotlight, that's all that matters, doesn't it??

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I'll confess that during this exchange, a part of me waited in vain for Jodie's cooler head to prevail.

SANDI: Where do you get off saying that type of stuff, Landon?! What makes you think you can just, like, tell me what I'm thinking?? You must believe you're a total saint -- Miss I-always-have to-be-in-charge-of-everything!

JODIE: Hey, at least I earned all my top positions! That's right -- earned them, something which I don't think you know much about. I didn't just waltz into them after cheating or buying them or hurting people or sleeping around or whatever the hell you do.

SANDI: I never d--

JODIE: You may think you're getting something from all this exposure, but you know what -- you're not. All you're showing people is what a coward and a fraud you are!

DARIA: (trying to intervene) You guys, let's just --

JODIE: (not hearing her) And don't think I'm the only one who feels that way. I'll bet everyone in this room shares my opinion, and so do the others on the Student Council. We all think that, every time there's a meeting. We watch you sitting at our table, knowing you're the only one of us who didn't work her ass off to get into elected office. And at the end of each meeting, we leave feeling sick to our stomachs. That's right, Sandi -- you make us sick!

(Daria sits on the couch, watching her with an impassive, yet slightly resigned, expression. Cut to close-up of her in the share box, wearing that same expression.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Jodie was saying all the things that needed to be said. I freely confess that it felt good to watch Sandi squirm under the glare of a spotlight she hadn't sought after. (Pause) And yet... I'd seen Jodie spout off before... I'd even seen her blow up before, but this is the first time I'd watched her sustain her hostility for so long. While the cynical side of me says "who cares?", the small part of me that takes comfort in the existence of naive, idealistic fools who want everyone to get along was... disturbed.

(Resume present shot. Sandi is looking at Jodie with a tightly-controlled expression, seeming stunned, hurt, and very angry all at once. Jodie stares at her back with the same tight control. You sense there's more nastiness ahead.)

DARIA: ... and I question whether this hostile side of Jodie is more influential than she would ever admit.

(Suddenly Kevin, who has been a passive audience this whole time, jumps off the couch and points a finger at Sandi.)

KEVIN: You're OUT of the house!!!

SANDI: (turning the full force of her emotions on him) Why don't YOU get out of the house, KEVIN?!!

KEVIN: But I'm the good guy.

JODIE: (to Sandi) Maybe you should do what he says.

SANDI: Or maybe you should!

UPCHUCK: C' mon ladies, let's quell the catfight...

SANDI & JODIE: SHUT UP!!

QUINN: HEY, like, I don't care if you ALL get out of the house!!! I've still got to deal with the problem of Tiffany and Jordan being stolen from me!

JAMIE: Hey, um, can I please say something?

SANDI: (snappy) Not if you're just gonna snap at me like all the others!

QUINN: And if you're gonna lick Sandi's boots, then don't even bother talking to me!

JAMIE: I wasn't gonna--

SANDI: Just be quiet, Justin.

QUINN: It's Jordan.

JAMIE: It's JAAAAMIE!!!

(Pause. His outburst causes everyone in the room to go silent. Each person gets a stunned look on his or her face. Meanwhile Jamie is shaking and looking very close to tears.)

JAMIE: Man... I was just gonna try and get you guys to calm down, but why even bother?? No one here seems to care what I think. And you guys (looks at Sandi and Quinn), you-you treat me like I'm nothing!

(Pause. Sandi and Quinn slowly go from shocked to remorseful. They eye each other uneasily. The shock and anger fade from Jodie's face, getting replaced by mortification. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 3 (montage)

(Cue music: "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.)

(Shaky shot of the outside. Cut to frontal close-up of Jodie in the share box.)

JODIE: (sober) And all this time I thought Sandi was the only poser in this house. It turns out a lot of us have been... myself included. (Bt.) I was so busy thinking I was the "good guy" and feeling like I had to drill it into Sandi's head, that I completely overlooked all the people who weren't as able to make themselves be heard. I'm sorry. (Pause) I think we all are...

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria and Jodie sitting in their room, both wearing sober expressions.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Sandi and Tiffany in their room, also wearing sober expressions. Sandi's gazing at a closed notebook in her lap, and Tiffany stares at herself in a mirror, for once not enjoying it.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Quinn sitting on the stairs, head in hands.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Kevin standing in the kitchen. He tosses a football against the wall over and over, until it finally hits him in the head and falls to the floor.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Jamie sitting on the Pepsi room couch, by himself, looking bleak.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Upchuck flipping through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. For once, he seems to show a lack of interest.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria walking into the kitchen. She sees Kevin, goes over to where he is standing.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) After what happened, it would have been easy for me to let each day drift into the next, until three full weeks had passed. Then I could have gone back to Jane and chalked up this experience as another example of the world going to hell. But...

(Daria leans down, picks up the football, and hands it to Kevin.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) ...somehow it didn't seem like the thing to do.

(Cut to shot of Sandi staring at the notebook. Finally, in a swift, decisive action, she opens it and takes a pen. She starts to scribbling on the page, furrows her brow with concentration.)

(Cut to shot of Tiffany and Upchuck standing in the hall, talking. Yes, talking. Neither of them looks unfriendly.)

(Cut to shot of Jodie walking up to Sandi and Tiffany's door. She stops, stands there for several seconds, looking as though she's debating whether or not to go in. Finally she heaves a sigh, and keeps walking.)

(Cut to shot of Jamie on the couch. Quinn comes over and sits beside him, wearing a contrite expression. Says a few words that cause Jamie to show a hint of a smile.)

(Music ends. fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (a few days later)

(Herky-jerky pan over of the house. Cut to shaky inside shot of the seven housemates in the Pepsi room, looking pretty worn-out. Skip is standing over them, having just arrived.)

SKIP: (overly-hyped) How's it going, kids??

ALL: Mmmmmmmmm...

SKIP: You'll never guess what I've got for you -- the first episode of "Class Land"!

JODIE: So soon??

SKIP: Yep. We just cobbled together footage from the first couple of weeks. We've even tested it with a focus group. And you'll never guess! (Pause) Well go on! Guess! Guess!!

DARIA: The focus group thought we were destined for a spot on Must-See Thursday.

SKIP: (frowning a little) Mrrr... no. (Bt.) Bu-ut SUQZ did give us a premier time slot! They canceled "Uptown," and we get to go on in its place!

(Pause)

JODIE: "Uptown"? You mean that really cool animated show?

SKIP: "Cool"?? All it was was a bunch of dull kids in boring jobs hanging out and talking.

DARIA: In other words, one of the few programs that made television worth watching.

SKIP: (frowning again) Mrrr... never mind. (holds up a video tape and waves it.) You're gonna love seeing how you really come across!

(He reaches toward the TV and puts the tape in the VCR, then reaches over to the wall and flicks off the lights. The angle is such that we can't see what's on the TV screen, but almost immediately, the students are overwhelmed by a gush of loud rock music and swirling colors. fade-out.)

(Fade-in to a short time later, the end of the episode. All of the housemates except Kevin and Upchuck appear to be showing little enthusiasm. Skip leans forward and turns off the TV, then flicks on the lights.)

SKIP: So what d' you think??

KEVIN: (leaping up. Enthused) Man, I look good!

UPCHUCK: You did somehow manage to bring out my debonair charms. Grrrrrr...

(long pause. Skip gestures at the girls.)

TIFFANY: The camera didn't make me look too fat.

SANDI: Yes, it was nice... I guess. (Bt.) But how come Quinn was in it so much?? She was only here for, like, an hour.

ALL BUT DARIA: Yeah.

SKIP: Because the camera just loves her. She lights up every scene -- er, I mean, situation. It would have been a horrific, God-awful tragedy not to include her.

JODIE: All right, fine. But then why were the scenes edited in such a disorganized way? I got nauseous from all those quick, shaky-cam cuts, and the share box scenes had almost no connection to what went on in the episode.

SKIP: Mrrrr... you'll have to take it up with the editors. (Bt. turns to Daria.) Well, Sarcasm Queen, what did you think??

(Beat)

DARIA: I think you made exactly the episode you set out to make.

SKIP: Aw, thanks.

DARIA: Something easily digestible that causes the blood to leave your brain.

SKIP: Mrrrrrrr...

DARIA: What did the focus group think?

SKIP: (enthused again) They thought it was fantastic! Can't wait to see more! This show's really gonna be a gold mine. Especially with the cable rights, which let us show it over and over and over again in marathons and spin-offs...

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

SKIP: Except... there was a slight quibble with some of the casting choices.

(Everyone turns to look at Daria.)

DARIA: (calmly) Say no more. I'd be happy to bow out right now and pretend this whole thing never happened.

SKIP: Oh no, Daria, not you. The focus group loved you. Cynical, sarcastic, stirring up people's venom -- that's what they want! (Bt.) And Sandi. They really loved Sandi.

(In response, Sandi manages a rather lukewarm smirk.)

SKIP: We've already got you signed up to be on "Classroom On the Road." And in each of the installments of "Class Wars," where we pit members of each cast against each other in brutal competition!

DARIA: Finally a scenario that does reflect real life.

(Beat)

JODIE: (cool) Congratulations, Sandi.

(Sandi nods slowly.)

SKIP: I mean really, you were all fantastic, but... (gaze trails over to Jodie and Tiffany.) Some of you haven't fulfilled your potential.

JODIE: (wary) How so?

(Beat)

SKIP: Well... Tiffany -- (turns to her.) your brief fling with Chuck was promising, but... the group felt that considering your background, you weren't resentful or confused about your identity enough.

TIFFANY: O-kaaay.

SKIP: And Jodie -- (looks at her.) your blow-up with Sandi showed real potential, although I will confess that up until then, you were pretty much a girl scout.

JODIE: (sardonic) And girl scouts just aren't viewer-friendly, right?

SKIP: Right-o! But never fear: as pertaining to your contracts, you'll have an extended three months to get your act together.

ALL: Huh??

DARIA: Funny, I have my contract right here, and -- (starts to pull it out of her pocket.)

SKIP: (nervous. waving her off) Oh-oh-err... yours has a typo, so you can't see that clause the way you can on the other contracts. Which I'd show you, but -- gotta go! (heads toward the door.) Oh, and if it turns out that certain cogs in the machine continue not to function properly, (again, eyes trail toward Jodie and Tiffany.) then don't hesitate to replace them with ones that will. Cheerio! (leaves.)

(long pause. The group just sits there, eyeing the cameraman with slightly sickened expressions, even Kevin and Upchuck.)

DARIA: So we're stuck together for another three months.

JODIE: (weary) Not us. (gestures at Tiffany.) He wants you guys to kick us out, doesn't he? So he can replace us with people who are more exciting.

(Pause)

ALL: Quinn.

SANDI: (frustrated) But dammit, I don't want Tiffany to get kicked out. She's, like, been a really good friend to me, an' I didn't see any of that up on the screen.

JODIE: And Michael was over here a lot, talking to me about how his grandmother had passed away, and he got maybe ten seconds total.

JAMIE: (hesitant) Look... I, um, wouldn't feel right if I kicked anybody out.

KEVIN: Well I might -- (cringes a little.) but you guys'd probably just yell at me some more.

DARIA: So it's settled -- no one gets kicked out? (Everyone nods.) And yet no one wants to live together for another three months, correct? (More vehement nods.) So the question is: what's the quickest way we can slaughter this cash cow?

(long pause)

JODIE: (face brightening) I know! We'll just be really nice to each other this next week. We'll help each other out, listen to each other's problems... we'll be so boring, Skip and Ms. Li will be dying to let us out of our contracts.

(long pause)

ALL BUT JODIE: No way.

DARIA: All forgiveness aside, could you really see us sticking with it for more than an hour?

(Beat)

JODIE: (disheartened) I guess not.

KEVIN: Then, like, what should we do, dudes?? All this thinking's, like, making my head hurt.

(long pause. Then Daria smirks wickedly.)

DARIA: I think I know...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (a few days later)

(Normal outside shot of the house at night.)

SKIP: (off screen voice-over) What do you mean you can't get any footage on them?! They didn't paint over your lenses, did they?!

CAMERAMAN: (off screen voice-over) No, it's not that.

SKIP: Then what??

C.M.: It's just... they haven't done anything for days worth filming.

SKIP: What are you talking about?! They were just perfect a few days ago! There's no way in hell they could change so quickly!

C.M.: (insistent) But they have...

(Cut to inside shot of the house. All seven housemates are gathered in the Pepsi room, along with Quinn, Stacy, and Jane. Daria and Jane are snoozing lightly, Jodie's reading, and the rest watch television intently.)

C.M.: (off screen voice-over) They've just been sitting there, day and night, only moving to shower, eat, sleep, and go to school.

SKIP: (off screen voice-over) Why?? In God's name, why?!

QUINN: (zombie-like) Puck getting kicked out of the house.

(Beat)

SANDI: (zombie-like) Fuh-nee.

(Beat)

ALL: Heh, heh-heh-heh, heh, heh-heh...

SKIP: My God, it can't be! Call MTV and make them shut it off!!!

C.M.: I tried, but they said that the Super-duper jumbo-sized "Real World -Road Rules" megathon has to continue for another two weeks, even at the expense of more worthwhile programming. (Bt.) Oh, and they also said sorry they didn't warn viewers ahead of time -- they're bad about that kind of stuff.

SKIP: Oh God, those self-serving IDIOTS!! (Bt.) Well then cut the cable! Cut the power!

C.M.: Sorry, Skip, we've tried everything, but I'm afraid these kids are lost forever.

(We hear sounds of Skip bursting into tears.)

(Beat. Quinn stirs slightly from her zombie-like state and turns to Tiffany.)

QUINN: Were we fighting about something?

(Tiffany shrugs. They continue to watch the marathon.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers.)

DARIA: (smirking) So we finally found something we could all do together.

JANE: (also smirking) And the dirtbags in charge were undone by the vapid entertainment they sought to imitate. Cunning move, amiga.

DARIA: Things're finally back to normal. Being a lonely, neglected outcast never felt so good.

(She gestures at some students who walk past her without noticing.)

JANE: But not for long. Don't they still have enough footage to make a season's worth of episodes?

DARIA: Maybe so, but not if MTV has anything to say about it. As soon as they found out Skip had a rip-off of "The Real World" planned, they threatened to haul his Armani-covered rear into court unless he canceled it. Which he promptly did.

JANE: Geez, voyeurism, lawsuits... is there no sewer MTV won't crawl though?

DARIA: Maybe the one that runs beneath a library.

JANE: Right. But at least that means "Class Land" is dead. Good and dead.

DARIA: And buried.

(She smirks. Just then, Jodie walks up to them.)

JODIE: Hey, you guys. Talking about "Class Land," huh?

DARIA: That, and sources of waste disposal.

JODIE: (making a sour idea) You were right: that show was a bad idea. We didn't get to know each other -- we just got to each other.

DARIA: Hmm, I don't know. (Bt.) In spite of my early reservations, I'd have to say that... (rolls her eyes, grudging) we did manage to come together when it counted.

JODIE: (smiling faintly) Yeah, that's true.

DARIA: And I learned a lot more about what makes people tick than I ever thought possible.

(She cocks an eyelid pointedly at Jodie, who misses what she's talking about.)

JODIE: (nodding) Yeah, like Jamie. I'd've never known he was so upset if he hadn't said so. (Bt.) Too bad he had to shout it out.

JANE: Who's Jamie?

JODIE: (frowning) You know I still don't think Sandi's apologized to him. (Bt.) Do you?

(Pause. Daria shrugs.)

JANE: (sounding a little sour) I've given up on expecting Sandi to apologize for anything she does...

(Cut to shot of Sandi standing at her locker with the door opened, peering at herself in the mirror, so that her back is turned. Jamie comes up rather hesitantly behind her. Sandi feels a presence behind her and instinctively flinches, expecting it to be a camera. But when she sees that it's Jamie, she relaxes.)

SANDI: Oh. It's just you.

JAMIE: I've been doing that a lot, too.

(Sandi nods vaguely. An awkward pause follows.)

JAMIE: Um... (blushes a little) thanks for... writing me that letter.

(Pause)

SANDI: (reddening) Yeah. Well... I thought if I said it out loud, people might think I was being fake, or whatever. (Pause. more decisive) But don't let it get around. (smirks a tad.) I have a reputation to uphold.

(Jamie nods, smiles a bit.)

JAMIE: Okay. (Pause) So I'll see you around?

SANDI: Yeah, around...

(They exchange nods one more time, and then Jamie turns to leave. Sandi watches him go.)

SANDI: ...Jamie.

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

As Daria would say: Ummm......

Okay, so I've caught one or two episodes of "The Real World." : > Actually, my history with that show is as follows: first two seasons I wasn't interested, but when the San Francisco cast rolled around, I got into it. How could I not?? It was a stone's throw away from where I live. After that, I remained interested enough to watch the London cast, and to take note of any patterns that were starting to emerge. Signs of prima donna behavior were apparent as early as the first season, but it reached its absolute peak on "Real World: Miami." That season, plus real life responsibilities, turned me off to the series. After that, I caught a handful of episodes of Boston, Seattle, and Hawaii, but my interest was depleted.

By prima donna behavior, I mean that people went into that show expecting to show off. They had watched previous episodes; they knew how it was done. They were supposed to talk to the camera and sound deep (most of them failing); they were also supposed to pull off crazy stunts, like diving nude into the swimming pool (Hawaii), mooning the camera (London... and other casts, I'm sure), and more. Getting along was not an option. Conflict was, and still is, a priority. I seriously believe that the London cast was the last one to feature semi-normal people. After that, you get the occasionally normal person, and a lot of posers. Most people who audition for the show (judging from the film clips) behave like they want to be actors or models.

Anyhow, Sandi's, Kevin's, and Upchuck's behavior in my fanfic perfectly illustrates what I've been saying. (Btw: "Real World" fans, feel free to argue that I'm wrong...)

"The Real World," as opposed to "Daria," is MTV's baby. Marathons are shown frequently, episodes are on twice a day (when's the last time you were able to catch an ep. of our favorite show??), and merchandising is through the roof. Besides T-shirts, mugs, whatever (easily accessible at a chain store near you, unlike the merchandise for a certain other show), they've even got something called "The Real World Diaries." In that, you see the cast members' handwriting and what was supposedly their thought process during the six months they spent together. I had actually planned a segment where the cast of Class Land learns that they have been merchandised in such a way, but I couldn't fit it in. : <

But anyway, that's the main reason why I decided to do a spoof of "The Real World." What could be a better example of a promising idea (watching strangers learn to get along) being poisoned by greed and interest in entertainment above all else?? Yet also, I wanted to do a spoof because I realized a while back that one aspect of "Daria" that I hadn't covered was its social commentary. I had plenty of character-building fics, but not one that addressed an insidious part of our culture. I hope I did an adequate job here...

That said, this fic was excruciating to write! Many times, my brain felt as though it were being twisted around inside my head. That's because on top of showing what it would be like if the LHS students were in a "Real World" episode, I also wanted to show what it'd be like if they were forced to live together -- what sort of relationships, loyalties would develop, etc. I wanted to do it realistically, and that required walking a fine line between a completely outrageous parody of "The Real World" (which, in my opinion, would only work in a stand-alone, fantasy ep.-type way) and one of my usual character-building fanfics. On top of that, I took a stab at addressing the age-old question: what is "real"? I'm not sure I answered it in any satisfactory way.

I kept feeling as though I didn't develop the conflicts as well as I could have -- Sandi versus Daria, for instance, might have seemed somewhat abrupt. But we could also look at it another way, as illustrating Daria's point that on "The Real World," each "trivial, stupid conflicts gets blown into a crisis." So the Sandi peanut butter thing could be seen as just that. Also, the fact that relationships never got developed as well as they might have could be viewed as another symptom of "Real World"itis: television intrudes too much upon people's private lives, preventing them from doing the little things that need to be done in order to form relationships.

Did that make sense? : >

Well, by the time this comes out, I will have all but completed my two thesis papers and earned my B.A at U.C. Berkeley. I hated that it took me so long to complete this fanfic -- though I did warn you in the postscript of "None in the Family, Part Two" that this could happen. Besides, I have a feeling that #12 would have taken me a while, anyway.

Now see what happened? You all kept saying that I put out a fanfic every other week, and look -- you jinxed me! : >

Points of Interest

For the people who don't watch "The Real World," these might interest you. And for those who watch semi-regularly, they might interest you, too...

The "shaky cam" technique, not to mention abrupt cuts to new scenes and pan-overs of scenery are all mainstays of "The Real World" -- hence, the reason why I chose to mock them.

The segment which Daria and Quinn watch in the opening scene comes from "Real World: San Francisco." In that particular episode, six housemates finally confront Puck, a super-obnoxious bike messenger, during a house meeting. The result is that Pedro, the housemate least able to tolerate Puck, blows up at him, then gets drawn into a heated argument. Finally, Puck moves out of the house -- but his obnoxiousness lives on in various "Real World" reunion episodes...

Daria: "'Cause for some reason, this whole set-up seems painfully familiar." That line alludes to Tracy Grandstaff's participation in "The Real World" pilot? Yes, the beloved voice of Daria was actually on TRW! Oh the horror...

Music playing during scenes is another mainstay of "The Real World." Actually, it's a mainstay of nearly all MTV programs (including "Daria"), but is particularly noticeable on this show. Any time a housemate shows any emotion, the sappy music plays, as if the makers of the show don't trust us to feel for them on our own. In many cases, I tried to choose appropriately cheesy music (like Jewel).

And I noticed that not all of the music used on "The Real World" dates from this year -- hence, a lot of entries that were several years old.

The parts where students protest their town being filmed comes directly from life. Supposedly, during the past few "Real World" seasons, locals got so fed up with the way the show depicted their cities, they shouted and threw things at "Real World" cast members whenever they went out in public. How's that for a dose of reality??

My reference to the students having to work in a nightclub: Ever since "Real World: Miami," cast members have had a little responsibility tossed into their cushy situation. This could involve running a business, or (as in the case of "Real World: Boston") doing community service. The most infamous example of responsibility gone wrong comes from the Miami cast. On top of living in a million-dollar mansion, they got fifty thousand dollars to invest in running a business... and they couldn't do it! Perhaps it was foolhardy of the RW executives to expect them to -- seven strangers who were living together for six months. But still, I can just imagine how many hard-working people looking to start a business would have wanted their prima donna heads on a platter.

Yes, the reference to "Uptown" is in honor of "Downtown," MTV's other terrific animated show that died before its time...

Now for some fanfic-related points:

Jane's reference to the Guptys' marriage therapy show: That will be addressed more in my next fanfic...

More on Sandi: Well, she finally did something nice, didn't she? And I said we'd see more activity on her in fanfic #14, and so we shall. : > Let me also add that I realize plenty of people have done Sandi on Daria fics, but it's usually from the angle of Sandi bullying Daria for being an outcast. I thought it'd be interesting, for a change, if Sandi felt victimized by Daria's sarcastic remarks. Taking a cue from the show, I figured that Sandi would be so unfamiliar with Daria's personality that she wouldn't realize Daria was generally a sarcastic person.

Sandi and Jodie: More of their conflict will arise a couple of fics down the road...

Daria: I thought she came across as reflective and rather philosophical in this one. Part of that's intentional -- Our Heroine is getting hit with hard truths that she's been trying to hide from, and she's being forced to think about it more, and to adjust some of her behavior...

And now for... THE MYSTERIES OF

This week's mystery examines why I refer to Daria as raising or cocking her "eyelid" rather than her eyebrow. Well it's simple, really: unless she takes off her glasses, you never see her eyebrows. Whenever she frowns or gets a stunned expression, her eyelids move about. Just watch...

The greater mystery is why that is the case. My guess is that it makes Daria seem even less expressive than if we saw her eyebrows move. Or else it's just too difficult for the artists to show her brows shifting up and down. And yet, if you watch the first episode, "Esteemsters," you see that there, she does have eyebrows that shift up and down. So when and why the folks in charge decided to make a change remains... a mystery.

Oops!

I made a couple of goofs when I honored the fan artists a while back. It's Diana Morgan, not Diane, and Liliane Grenier, not Lilianne. The rest, however, remains as is. : >

Also, I committed a slight error when I failed to credit the source of the "Sick Sad World" gag I used in "Of Absolute Value." The one that had: "Would you want Jennifer Love-Hewitt starring in your movie??" It was an allusion to "Daria: the Movie" by Aaron and Barry Adelman, of course. The funny thing is, I didn't even know they were going to make an actual movie when I wrote that gag, not to mention put it out a week after "Of Absolute Value" was posted. I was just making a reference to their awesome website. So it seems as though I timed my fanfic to plug the "movie," when in fact it was a lucky coincidence!

Now for some Acknowledgements

I have many people to thank this time around! I'd like to start with Mike Quinn for his musical and various other contributions. : > Also, for being the one to take the first step toward putting a Helen fan club into action. When I spoke of a fan club in my last postscript, it was with tongue-in-cheek -- yet it seemed as though many actually were interested in having one. Mike was the first to e-mail Paperpusher (aka Rich aka rich) about the idea, and we're in the process of putting it together. I'll keep you informed!

Also special thanks to Paperpusher for being enthusiastic about the idea and for putting it into action in several ways (such as creating a private group, etc.). There's certainly no way I'd be able to do half of what you've done. : >

And a kudos to Crazy Nutso (aka Bob) for writing a durn enjoyable fanfic called "'Shipper Wars." For those of you who don't know about it, it's mainly full of insider jokes between the 'shippers and anti-'shippers (the latter of which I am a card-carrying member). You may just want to peruse it for a dose of silly fun...

And finally, thanks to C.L. Basso for working so hard to correct flaws in my first eleven fanfics. I think when I've got thirteen together, I'll redistribute them, so those embarrassing spelling errors will be no more! : >

And thanks to the people who've recently put my work up at their sites. It's fun to cruise around the pages and read their summaries...

Aw hell, thanks everyone! You're wonderful! : >

To those people and the rest who have my stuff showing at their web sites: if you don't have a URL, and I haven't sent you my latest fic(s), just write a polite e-mail to bug me... :-)

If anyone'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu

This fanfic is dedicated to the memory of Lawndale Commons, which closed its doors on December 11, 1999. Those of us who frequented it will remember with great fondness.

Thanks for being SO patient and waiting for over a month for me to put this out. I'm a B.A. richer for it. : > And thanks for reading!