Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns these lovely creatures. As though you didn't already know. And the title is a Monty Python thing. But you probably already knew that and if you didn't, you are missing out on a very cool thing.
Warning: Just like everything else I've got posted so far, this is slash. That means that there are romantic and/or sexual situations wherein two (or sometimes more *grins cheekily*) boys are digging other boys. There isn't any sex so far, but there is some romance, albeit is really crappy romance, so consider yourself warned. And should you fail to heed this warning and flame me anyhow, would you at least say something constructive? I like constructive criticism. (Constructive being the operative word.) Oh, and there is the greatest, biggest, FATTEST PWP warning you could ever imagine.
Pairing: these first two parts are just Harry and Seamus, but we'll see how it plays out.
A/N: A conversation that Rubicon and myself had not long ago… I was feeling extremely random. Oh, and this, of course, is a sort of present for her. Hope you like it, love! This is also my first attempt at humour, so if I really suck at it, please do let me know because I don't want to be thinking that I'm funny when really I'm just being an ass. I hate being an ass.
And Now For Something Completely Different
Me And My Lesbian Lover
"Hiya, Harry!"
"Geeze. Hi, Seamus." Well. He appeared out of absolutely nowhere.
"Did I startle you?"
"Wasn't that apparent?" Fucking asshole, you are, Harry. But I just lost my place in the book I was reading. Actually, I just lost my book.
"Ahm… sorry?" He looks like he's in pain.
"'S all right. So what's up?"
He's got that 'there is something very imperative on my mind' look. I wonder what's up? "You know, it's funny you should ask that question. *pause* Well…. The thing is, Harry…. We've known each other for some time now, yes?"
"Yeeees."
"And… well…. One can't help but notice things about a person after such a period of time."
"Such as?" I can only imagine where this is going to go.
"Well, I've noticed –not to say that I meant to, of course- well…. You've not got a bird…. And one can't help glimpsing another *mutters* say… in the showers… *louder* You know, you have very nice hands. Has anyone ever told you that? Actually, your feet are quite-"
"Seamus?"
"Uh… yeah?"
"Am I really making you so nervous?" He's really quite adorable when he's trying to put the moves on.
"Not nervous, exactly," he mutters.
"I see. Then, do you feel like being just a tad more articulate, or would you prefer to waffle on a bit longer?"
"Would you mind if I chose to waffle for just another minute?" he asks as though I just gave him a great gift.
"Might I ask why?"
"Get m' courage up," he answers casually.
"Ah. Um, carry on, then."
"Say, how about them…" he looks around for something to talk about. "I thought you liked Quidditch…. Chudley… what the hell are they? Artillery Scouts, or something?"
"Cannons?"
"Ah, yes, Chudley Cannons. Riiiiight. Although, I think I like Artillery Scouts better. More colourful."
"Indeed." God, it's hard not to laugh.
"Why did they pick a fucking pigeon for the bird of peace? Really! And did you know that they can't even cry?" he says out of the clear blue sky. I knew he was a rather.. random individual, but I think that one beats the rest into the fucking ground.
"I think that may be a metaphor for something else. I mean, can you really hear anything cry? Not counting the sniffling and… what have… you." Great, now I'm getting all nervous.
"That's a hell of a point you have there. Actually, you always make good points. My goodness, you're quite the well-rounded individual, aren't ya? Sharp as a bloody razor and a body like a broomstick. Meaning that you're tall and lean, you know?.. All right, nix that…. Though I wouldn't mind riding you…" he slaps himself on the forehead, saying, "Shut up, Seamus. I'm sorry, Harry, I didn't mean that." He's looking like he's on the verge of panic.
Damn it. "Which part?" I hope he figures it out.
"Ahm…. Which part would you rather I not mean?" he asks in the same nervous fashion he started out with. "Wait, don't tell me. You're gay and I'm not. Wait… I'm gay and you're not. Right."
"No, actually, I was kind of hoping you didn't mean the part about not meaning it."
Blinks, breathes in deeply, and I think he may just have gone into cardiac arrest. Looks like he figured it out, all right. "Okay, I thought I just heard you say something along the lines of-"
"Seamus, you're making this far more difficult than it has to be." Breathe. Just breathe. Okay. "Being as I think we've got it pretty much established here, do you want to just come right on out and say whatever it was that you came over here in the first place to say?" Great, Harry, throw the responsibility of this off your shoulders. "Because I don't think I know what to words to use." Nice recovery.
"As though I do?" he asks incredulously.
"Seamus, if you don't know what to say, then there is no hope for anyone," I laugh.
"Thanks. I think." His nose is wrinkled up a bit in an expression of confusion.
"I meant that as a compliment, love."
"Why, Harry Potter, are you coming on to me?" he breaks into a wide grin. Finally. Though, I thought we'd carry on with the ambiguous bullshit a bit longer than this. This may just be a new record for Seamus!
"Actually, I've been trying to come on to you for some time now. Well, not exactly trying, more like wanting to…" You sound like a fucking moron, Potter.
"Harry?" he asks as he tilts my chin back up and forcing me to make eye-contact. "Would it be too presumptuous of me if I were to ask if I could kiss you?"
"More or less presumptuous than wanting to ride me?"
"Coming from me, I would have to say that it would be more than less," he replies laughing. "But, you knew that, didn't you?"
"Are you saying, then, that there's more to this than just an attempt at seduction?" I tease him back.
"Let me get this cleared up right now. I would never insult your intelligence by thinking that I could have you through a mean as trivial as seduction. I'm coming right out and saying it: I like you and I want you because I like you. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes, I should say so."
"So can I kiss you now?" he asks with the tone of a child asking if they can open their Christmas presents.
"I don't know. Are you physically capable at this juncture-"
"You know, Harry, I am totally going to ignore that remark and just do it anyway," he says as he climbs onto my lap. "But do you mind if I take your glasses off first?"
Why he bothers asking is beyond me. Even as he started talking, he was removing them from my face. And now he's sitting here and looking very strangely at me. His smile has altered just the slightest, though I couldn't tell you how. He cocks his head to the side a bit. "What?"
"You're really pretty without those glasses, you know. I mean, you're fucking gorgeous no matter what, but you knew that. But I like your eyes and the shape of your face. With those glasses on, I never noticed that before," he explains very simply. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"You didn't. It's just… I'm sorry, I just don't know how to accept compliments. I don't get them that often and-"
"It's fine, Harry. You needn't feel like you've got to explain yourself to me."
Leaning forward, he presses his lips firmly against mine. The heat lingers only for a moment before he pulls away. His arms are around my neck; mine are around his slender waist to hold on to his back. Pulling him to me once again, I take a bit more initiative and start kissing him. He responds much better than he did before. I never fancied Seamus as the sort who would require his partner to lead. I've always seen him as far too outgoing and self-assured to ever follow along behind anyone. Then again, he is far more feminine than I've cared to admit. Not that that's a bad thing…
"So does this mean you'll be my girlfriend?" he grins as he rests his forehead against mine.
"Aw. And I was hoping you'd be my girlfriend," I tease him.
"And all this time I thought I was the only lesbian at Hogwarts!"
Good god, what have I gotten myself into? This promises to be a hell of an adventure. Me and my lesbian lover. *laughs* Perfect.
Told you I was feeling random. And if you'd like to see some other pairings being massacred like this, please feel free to let me know. I am more than open to suggestions. But you knew that. Cheers!