Short and silly little piece not necessarily canon to any of my other work. A little vulgar. Also, if you're not a fan of the idea of Han sleeping with other women while he's involved with the Rebellion before he and Leia get together, or of Leia not being a virgin, you might want to sit this one out.
Never Ever
It started like this:
"Hey, it's the princess!" "Princess, come over here!" "C'mon, Your Highness, take a load off!"
"Hmm," she said, eying the circle of giddy drinkers skeptically. "What exactly is the name of the game here?"
"It's called Never Have I Ever, Lei, you'll like it, it's really––" Luke, then, flushed and excited and hiccuping. "It's really fun."
"Yes, I'm familiar…" she said warily.
"Oh, c'mon, Your Worshipfulness." Han, then, grinning crookedly at her. Growling as he patted the spot beside him: "Hey – all that Princess virtue means you won't have to touch a drop, right?"
"Excellent point, Captain," she said edgily, narrowing her eyes and sitting beside Luke instead. "Well? Be a gentleman and pour a girl a drink, please. I don't have all night."
"'Least you said please," Han grumbled, and the drink he poured her was especially strong in mild retribution. Handing it back to her, he announced grandly, "Never have I ever had four feet of hair."
Leia narrowed her eyes and sipped daintily, wincing at the strength of the liquor. What exactly was he trying to pull. "That was as transparently targeted as it was dull," she said haughtily. "I thought this was supposed to be exciting."
"Hey-hey, never have I ever streaked save for socks on this very base!" One of the pilots, then, inciting a chorus of groans and drinks from another group of them. Leia winced again – it was terribly cold on Hoth, what in gods' names… and was Han going to drink, or… and why did she care?
"Never have I ever fucked cross-species," another pilot said, and Han and a few others drank.
"That's fuckin' tame," Han was drawling, leaning back easily. "S'the best you got?"
"Leia-leia, go," Luke said, grinning eagerly at her.
"What hasn't she not done?" Another pilot, affectionate and condescending….
Han, kicking up his feet: "Hey sweetheart, if you need any ideas about all there is ya don't know, lemme know."
And her face, to her horror, positively burned – and everyone took notice and was laughing… why did he always do this to her? Tease her like this, pull this imaginary crush out of thin her and use it to make her feel childish and foolish and far too young?
"Hmm," Leia said primly as the laughter settled down. Then she looked right at Han and saying pointedly: "Never have I ever gone to a strategy meeting stoned."
"Hey, that was targeted," he teased, drinking gamely.
"Never have I ever been with someone in the command center…" Her voice sharper, edgy.
Han drank again, giving her a laughing, quizzical smile as the group exploded around him in cheers and jeers. "Alright, sweetheart…"
"Or received oral sex in mess…"
And he drank again, frowning a little behind his cool facade as the cheers grew louder. "Really wanna get me drunk, huh?"
"Or had a girl in the hangar––"
"You keepin' tabs on my every move now, gorgeous?" he asked, his voice growing a bit flat as he drank again.
"Please, it's not like you're subtle – but oh, I'm not through yet – or in the communal showers – and that's both the receiving oral and then having a girl, one drink for each each, I won't make you do multiples depending on frequency though, consider yourself lucky––"
"Seems like jealousy's got you behavin' pretty nasty, princess. You're hurtin' my feelings," he said, his voice low, his eyes narrowed, but even still he drank again.
"Jealous? In your dreams," she snapped, "Never have I ever––"
"Alright, alright, give someone else a turn, hey?" Another pilot, then, blessedly intervening. Han was still staring at her, his face sort of screwed up and unreadable. "Let's uh, let's get back to basics. Hey," he said, trying to be amicable. "Never have I ever kissed a girl, alright?"
Everyone smiled good-naturedly – the pilot wasn't chaste, just gay – and drank, including Han of course, and even Luke, and even––
"Leia?"
Leia wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and blinked innocently. "What?"
"You're supposed to drink if you have done it, Lei," Luke whispered helpfully.
"I understand the game," she said, light and easy, not looking at Han but feeling his eyes on her.
"Alright, Princess!" one of the men cheered, breaking the moment of tension, and then everyone was joining in and she was smirking a bit into her cup, eyes wide and innocent as she did so.
Another one whispered into the gay pilot's ear, and so he continued, looking at Leia and asking, "Never have I ever… made out with a girl?"
And Han watched Leia, and Leia drank.
"Never have I ever touched a girl's tits?"
And Han watched Leia, and Leia drank.
"Never have I ever licked pussy!" another pilot shouted out, apparently too eager to see her reaction to play this slow-moving escalation game, and everyone, and Han, watched Leia, and Leia blinked calmly, and drank.
A moment of stunned silence, and then, sort of squeaked out by the same pilot: "…More than once?"
Princess Leia polished off her drink.
And the room went wild.
Striding back to her room maybe an hour later, Leia felt someone running to catch up with her – Han, then, his face sort of confused and angry. "Han," she greeted evenly.
"Hey, Your Worship – listen, when I called you jealous back there, I didn't realize it was comin' from the other end!"
"I promise there was no jealousy along any axis," she retorted. "You don't have to want to bed women to be icked out by how you treat them."
"I take issue with that, but – just to be clear – you do wanna mess around with girls – women – whatever?"
"That's awfully crass."
"Well?"
"I do have sex with women," she said, even and upright. "Well not recently, obviously, because I have some self-control, but I did have sex with women, before."
"Well. 'Have sex,'" he amended, the scare quotes audible.
"Excuse me?"
"S'not really – I mean – sex."
"You can be such a disgusting, misogynistic, homophobic––"
"Hey! I have lotsa gay friends!" he shouted indignantly. "More than I knew, apparently," he grumbled, yanking a hand through his hair.
"If you did to me what I did to women and someone said Never have I ever had sex with Princess Leia would you or would you not drink."
He stared at her, disbelieving that she was inviting this hypothetical. "…If I did to you…"
"Well?"
"… if I went down on you?"
"Crass! Ugh, you're awful! Would you or wouldn't you drink!"
"… I guess I would, but now that's obviously out of the picture, so––"
"It was never in the picture!"
"I don't know how you didn't tell us! I mean I guess maybe I should've guessed, signs were there, but…"
"The signs?"
"Yeah, have you met yourself, Kriff Leia – but Luke an' Chewie an' I, we're your friends. Princess, I am honestly hurt!"
"You're hurt? Cry me a river. This is ridiculous, honestly Han."
"All that flirtin' too, you let me make a total fool of myself, holy fuck…"
"You made a fool of yourself all on your own," Leia said haughtily. "I had nothing to do with it."
"I thought we were pals, sweetheart!"
"You know I'm a private person. And technically, you never asked."
"Uh, sure, alright, what did you want me to do, hey Princess, cool trash compactor, by the way are you a dy––"
"Bye, Han," she said crisply.
He looked genuinely horrified at himself and stumbled over his apology rapidly: "Sorry, sorry, lesbian, m'sorry – seriously, force of habit, I would never call you that, I––"
"Bye."
"Leia, hold on a second – listen, I just – got taken by surprise, alright? But I still – y'know, I still want to – be your friend, an' all that, the whole you an' me thing s'mostly teasing anyway, I really––"
"No, Han you're not – bye." They were at her door now, and she palmed herself in but didn't let him follow her.
"Fuck, sweetheart, don't just – I'm sorry, I––"
"Bi, Han," she said again, trying to hide her smirking grin as she moved to close the door on his stunned face. "I'm bi."
#
Yes, I know the punchline is cheesy, but I couldn't resist. Reviews make bisexual Leia Organa gain visibility!