I find Prim in the twelve year old section and manage a tiny smile when she looks back at me over her shoulder. She can't return it, only managing a pained grimace. Her cheeks are still wet but her nose twitches as she tries to hold back a fresh wave of the tears she's been shedding for days. When she turns away from me I look across to the boys and find Gale, he's already looking at me. I give him the same barely-there smile I gave Prim and he mouths the words 'you okay?' I nod, it's a lie of course, no one is okay today. His eyes move from me to Prim, then to Rory. He's doing the same thing I am, watching the people he loves like our gaze can keep them safe, like they'll be taken while we're not looking.
As Effie Trinket takes to the stage I do one last round. Prim, Rory, Gale. I hold my breath like everyone else when Effie proclaims
"Ladies first" her clawed fingers rummage in the bowl for a few eternal moments before her hand emerges clasping a single folded piece of paper. She teeters over to the microphone and takes her sweet time unfolding the small strip "Primrose Everdeen" I breathe the sigh of relief I was so sure was coming but choke on it before I've exhaled fully. Instead I freeze, struck dumb in horror. She only had one slip!
"No" I whisper my denial over and over again as I begin pushing my way through the crowd
"Where are you dear?" Effie calls and I want to hurt her almost as much as I want to reach Prim. Who has reached the center of the square and looks about her as if expecting someone to do something, expecting me to do something
"No Prim, Prim!" one peacekeeper can't hold me back but a second and a third soon help the first to keep me from running to her. I'm fighting, to no avail and instead open my mouth to scream
"I volunteer!" the words echo across the square but they aren't mine. In the confusion I take the opportunity to free myself and run to Prim. I hold her tight, as if to pull her into me before the peacekeepers can reach us "I volunteer" the grip on my arm loosens as quickly as it came but doesn't disappear "leave them be, I volunteer" had Madge Undersee not held the status she did, the peacekeepers probably wouldn't have listened.
Gale has to usher myself and Prim towards the crowds at the back of the square but not once do I take my eyes off Madge's back. Her shoulders lift with a deep inhale then she steps onto the carpet to make her way to the stage.
"Well well, who do we have here? What's your name dear?" Effie chirps unmistakably flustered
"Madeline Undersee"
"Ladies and gentlemen, our very first volunteer and your female tribute Madge Undersee" Effie trills, a still functioning part of my brain wonders how Effie got Madge from Madeline. The mayor looks distraught as he shakes his daughters hand, I'm just happy it's not Prim. The thought pains me with guilt but it couldn't be more true. Prim is safe and that's what's most important
"This is bullshit!" Haymitch Abernathy, drunkard and 12's only victor staggers from his chair, his words slurred but full of something like rage "this is bullshit!" he repeats "you!" he zig zags towards a camera and thrusts his finger towards it "you're bullshit!" at first it's confusing, I wonder if he's actually so drunk he's abusing a camera but realize quickly he can only be addressing the Capitol, which is even more baffling. Even so, I gain a small sliver of respect for Haymitch Abernathy. It dissipates almost instantly when he falls past the camera and plummets from the stage head first
"Now, the boys" Effie carries on quickly, tutting at Haymitch as he's dragged away unconscious. Then I'm back to staring at Madge, I daren't take my eyes off her, though it's too late for my gaze to keep her safe. She keeps her eyes forward, she doesn't look at any of us, doesn't look to or for anyone. Rather she gazes out towards the mines, perhaps the mountains in the distance she won't ever see again.
I keep my eyes pinned on Madge while Effie's nails stir the slips of paper in the second bowl. She takes her time selecting one again, at least it seems that way. Finally she makes her way back to the microphone and opens the slip "Orion Meadows!" she exclaims breathily. Prim whimpers into my neck and Gale blows out a breath of air beside me.
Gale's best friend is Orion's older brother Thom, though I know he is close to both of them. Next year would've been his last reaping year "come on you two, shake hands" Effie powers on, making an effort to sound even more upbeat. Madge offers her hand out to Orion but he eyes it skeptically before taking it "ladies and gentlemen your tributes for the 73rd annual Hunger Games Madeline Undersee and Orion Meadows!" Effie continues, a huge grin and a small round of applause. She purses her lips when she's answered with silence but doesn't seem all too surprised by it. No one ever claps, in any of the districts besides 1 and 2 but the silence has never been quite this loud.
All of these people who didn't know Madge, who probably didn't like Madge. They respect her sacrifice even if they don't understand it. And all these people who didn't know Orion but knew he was too good, too full of life, for this demise. All these people who didn't know Madge or Orion but stand silently shouting their refusal. We do not agree. We do not condone.
It's not clear where it starts, perhaps with Gale but I can't be sure because he's behind me. But all of 12, within moments of each other, raise three fingers to their lips, then out towards the stage. In that moment it's everything I need to say but can't. It's thanks, it's admiration, it's goodbye to someone I love.
The justice building is cold, it should be a reprieve from the stifling heat outside but it's not. I'm freezing from the inside out.
Madge, who was my silent lunch partner, a partner out of necessity, who became my first real friend besides Gale. Madge, who never asked anything of me but offered company in exchange for a sort of friendship. Kind, sweet, intelligent, beautiful Madge is going into the hunger games, with Orion. A boy I barely knew but still liked because it was impossible not to.
Prim stays pressed to my side as we wait. Orion's family is saying goodbye while the mayor says goodbye to Madge, her mother is not well enough. I wonder if she'll even know Madge is gone. Prim and I are the last to see Madge, after Delly Cartwright emerges from the room sobbing while Peeta Mellark tries to console her.
Madge is like stone as I sit beside her, no tears, no shaking, and no fear. No emotion at all. She's the mayor's daughter, she's been acting her whole life and now it's going to serve her well. Looking at her now I'm willing to hope they won't break her, but it's still so wrong for them to try.
"Thank you. For saving my sister"
"What was I supposed to do?" if there was ever a time for hard truths this was it, so I say exactly what everyone is thinking
"Nothing Madge. Volunteering for Prim- it should have been me and you'll never know how grateful I am" she smiles feebly but it's genuine, telling me even now, she doesn't regret it
"Thank you" Prim had stopped crying but the tears are back in force now. She gingerly wraps her arms around Madge's neck then clings to her when it's returned "for volunteering and for saving Katniss. Thank you"
"Of course Prim" this smile, whilst still genuine, takes a little more effort
"You're smart Madge and fast, you know how to act around them" I ramble in a vain attempt to quell some of my guilt and to help her build her barriers back up. Soft, kind Madge isn't the type of person who wins the Hunger Games "you can beat them" I whisper and she knows what I mean. All those unspoken conversations we had, they're the reason she understands now. She knows I'm not talking about the other tributes but the gamemakers themselves, the Capitol. I reach out to her before I can second guess myself, the hug is awkward but … nice and well overdue
"Katniss" her voice is monotone "I want you to know ... I have to tell you out loud that … you were always a great friend to me"
"Madge" I interrupt feebly
"I mean it, I know we aren't super close or anything but I always thought of you as my friend"
"So did I- do I Madge" the door is opened from the other side and I can see Levy, my neighbor and Orion's cousin being dragged off as she shouts obscenities at the peacekeepers. Time's up.
"Be safe Katniss" Madge murmurs, barely a hint of emotion
"You too Madge".
I leave the justice hall with what feels like a brick of guilt sitting in my gut. I tug Prim closer to my side as a reminder. She's safe that's all that matters. Only it's not. Madge is going to die and it's all because I couldn't protect Prim before she could. I'm going to live and she's going to die, that's not fair.
My mother has put a kettle of water to boil on the stove for nettle tea I assume. It's just beginning to bubble when Gale comes to the door
"Are you alright?" I nod, it's a lie again. I'm not the only person in the Seam who has an aversion to being in someone's debt and this is a debt that can never be repaid. Put that on top of the guilt and the loss, I've been better "how's Prim?"
"Terrified that her name was picked. Distraught Madge volunteered. Relieved I didn't" he nods "you didn't go to the justice building?"
"It's better he has time with his family" I nod "you saw-"
"Madge" I cut him off "yeah"
"Ma says you should watch the games with us" I nod "I'm going to the hob, for white liquor, Thom will need it tonight. You need to trade anything?" I shake my head "sorry about your friend Catnip" I nod once and close the door behind him only to collapse against it.