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After 35 years of existence, I have found that there is one constant in the universe: life isn't fair.

No matter what species you are, you learn this lesson somewhere along the way. Some beings learn it when they come into the universe, some learn it at their deaths. But eventually, the rule catches up with everybody. It's unavoidable.

My best friend Jim ran into it the day he was born.

His father died so that my friend could live. Doing so was a noble sacrifice, one worthy of the praise given to his memory. But it came with a price. Because of his father's choice, Jim had to spend the next 22 years putting up with an asshole of a step-father.

My new friend Spock learned it when he first went to school.

From what I've heard, his mother was a graceful and dignified person, a princess who spent her early years living among commoners. Then she married her Vulcan and gave birth to her heir.

Rather than being treated as the prince that he was, a son of a Vulcan diplomat and a beautiful human, Spock was berated for being half of one species and half of another. Those little bastards at his first school would have treated a full-blooded human with more dignity than they did a being who was most definitely one of them, simply because he had the blood of two worlds.

I thought I confronted that lesson when I went through my divorce.

It had been hell. Jocelyn and I fought every step of the way. Because of our constant picking at each other, our daughter Joanna became depressed and needed psychiatric help.

At times, I had felt like I wasn't far behind.

All because I had tried to balance my life and my career, but found my patients more in need of me than my family...or so it seemed to me at the time.

But that was nothing to what I was going through now.

Right now, I was trapped in my own mind because my best friend was in love with me and wanted me to be in a relationship with him and his husband. Of course, learning my lesson from my first serious go at romance, I said no. So he pushed me, and I panicked, even though he tried to convince me gently.

The irony was that I was in love with him too.

Like I said, life is definitely not fair.

But I guess things could have been worse. At least my panic didn't cause me to fall apart, as my divorce had.

When I realized that I was safe, I took a look around me. To deal with my emotions, my mind had created a haven...my uncle's farm in Georgia. It was a good reproduction. I could feel the wind in my face and the blades of grass against my ankles as I walked through the 'field'. I could be happy here...until I became bored.

I figured the setting was my mind's way of saying, 'Get comfortable. You're going to be staying for a while.'

So I settled into the grass and took off my boots. Then I looked up and realized that my mind wasn't putting me at ease. It was fucking with me.

There, against the backdrop of the moon, was a familiar twinkling light. The one I had observed in this spot a couple of years earlier. It was a Vulcan ship, the fucking Vulcan ship that got me off this godforsaken planet and into space.

When I saw it this time, I found myself scowling up at it. I didn't want to remember my decision, right now it felt like the wrong one. Because I went into space, because I saw that ship, I was now in the predicament of having to lie to one friend or lose the comfort level I had with the other.

Within seconds, I found myself playing my favorite game to relieve stress: blame the Vulcan. Hell, I wouldn't put it past Spock to have been part of all this from the beginning. I bet that pointy-eared hobgoblin had been on the damned ship.

But he wasn't now.

I knew this because a few minutes later (Well okay, I know it's impossible to tell time inside your own head. But it *felt* like a few minutes.), I heard a voice echo through the air around me. It was a deep, precise *logical* voice.

Well, damn. I didn't even get a break from His Vulcanness in my own mind. I should have been seriously annoyed, but strangely, I didn't mind.

Because I knew why he was here. He was the only one who could find me in this place I had created. He was the only one who could invade my mind.

But this invasion was a selfless act on his part. He did it to help me, because I needed him.

I knew I couldn't get out of here by myself. So, fighting my instinctive resistance at the invasion of my privacy, I called to him.

I was surprised by how glad I was to see him when he walked into my little paradise. But of course, I didn't show it. It would have violated that strange trust we had in each other--to be friends grudgingly, to accept each other by appearing to not accept.

But the equation had changed. With Jim demanding so much of us, we needed to cooperate, to find some way of resolving Jim's needs and still keep our own integrity. So when he came over to check on me, I told him the story of seeing that Vulcan ship against the moon for the first time.

Despite my earlier thoughts, I found myself intrigued when he told me he had been on it. My luck had been so bad at that point in my life that I was so sure that the ship had started a war instead of being the first marker in the chain of events that got us all together.

That revelation came with its own anxieties. I didn't want to think about the implications of Spock and I being the first to 'meet', even if we were a whole sky away from each other at the time. I didn't want to think that there was some evidence for the ludicrous idea Jim was waving around, even if it was circumstantial.

So I brought up that other, older Spock. He never had the problem we were facing. I took this as a good sign. Maybe it was our fate to fight this.

I was relieved when Spock seemed to agree. In fact, he he tried to give me a solution for the difficulty I found myself in. He offered me a compromise. If I stayed connected to Jim, Spock would help me shield myself.

It sounded like a reasonable way around the problems facing us. So I agreed.

But when we made these plans, we forgot one thing. This agreement needed to be approved by three parties. And when we left that place in my mind, we found out the third party had no intention of agreeing.

All because of a stupid vow.

Stupid kid, he was going to get someone hurt again. Hell, I thought he had learned his lesson last time.

There are just some people who need some kind of sexual release on a fairly regular basis to keep their systems in good shape. Jim is one of these people. Without that release, he's a total wreck. He becomes overly aggressive, irresponsible and a damned pain in the ass.

So Spock and I both cringed when he said he would continue to go without it until we gave him what he wanted.

I was ready to shoot him with a phaser for that little stunt. Unlike his husband, who just looked at him with an expression made of ice, I didn't hesitate in telling him so.

"You selfish little prick," I said as I glared at him in my anger. "That is not how you treat the ones you love!"

"What would you suggest, *Doctor*?" Jim growled back at me. His sharp, accusing gaze said that he blamed me for this whole situation.

Right now, I didn't care what he thought. "First, remember that you aren't a god!" I growled right back. "And second, listen to what I'm saying. I don't want to join with you. Why can't you respect my wishes?!"

"Because I love you," Jim whispered as he covered his face with his arm.

I sighed. "I know. But this isn't the way for you to convince me to be part of your marriage."

"Then what is?" Jim lifted his arm enough to look at me with a sad expression.

I shook my head. "You don't need me. You're married to Spock."

"Yeah, but it's a Vulcan marriage. There's nothing in their culture that says I can't be married to you, too. In fact, it's considered a good thing. Three is more balanced than two." From his tone of voice, I could tell he was repeating Spock's words. I knew that in the vast majority of cases, Spock didn't lie to us. It was a point of honor with him.

But not even that new fact would convince me to join them. The risks to them and to myself were too great.

So I shoved my winning card in his face. "That might work if everyone loved everyone else."

"What, you don't love me?" Jim pouted. I knew he was trying to make fun of himself, but his words scared me. Because I had to reply and I was sure he'd know if I was lying. He was bonded to me, after all.

That was when Spock chose to speak up. I could have kissed ol' devil ears for that. Well, maybe not, as that would have further confused the situation. So I settled for a small nod as he said, "His affection for you is not at issue. This concerns the feelings between him and me."

"Which are?" Jim was getting mad again.

I shrugged. "We're not enemies. But we're also definitely not in love with each other."

Spock inclined his head in agreement. But somewhere in my mind, I got the strange feeling his agreement wasn't completely sincere. Or it could have been just my imagination.

'Damn, I'm getting paranoid,' I thought as I watched Jim's expression harden. Instinctively, I shivered. When Jim looked like that, usually someone got hurt. And since there was only the three of us here...

"You were the one who said I should go after him!" Jim turned to Spock and, without warning, shoved him. It was so sudden that even Spock didn't have time to defend himself. "If you didn't want him, why did you tell me to get him?!"

"Because you did," Spock replied softly. I watched in wonder as he gently grabbed Jim's wrist so he couldn't shove at the Vulcan again. The tenderness in Spock's eyes, even in the face of Jim's rage, was so overwhelming that it made *me* want to melt.

But Jim wasn't done ranting. "How could you let me hope if you didn't feel anything for him? How could you convince me that this was what I needed then dash any chance of getting it?!"

That was when I remembered that Jim had told me that it was Spock who asked him to pursue me. Even though my friend loved me, he must have had reservations about a romantic relationship with me working out. Maybe he wasn't being as ridiculous as I thought he was.

Before I could ask Jim about it, Spock bowed his head. "I was wrong to do so. I should have considered all possible outcomes before deciding on a course of action."

The poor guy, he bent so low in front of Jim that he looked like he was waiting for his husband to beat him.

At that point, I had to speak up. Spock was apologizing for a very human reaction. "You just wanted Jim to be happy. You thought having me with you would make him happy. I don't think you should be punished for that."

"I wasn't going to--" Jim started, then realized the position Spock was in. "No. No. Look, we need to talk about this. Please get up, Love."

He waited for Spock to stand up straight before adding, "I still want to keep my vow. It'll give me a chance to think about all this." He held up his hand as Spock began to protest. "You can chain me to the bed when I start getting irrational. But until then, let me do this."

I supposed that concession was the best we were going to get from him for now. So when Spock glanced my way, I nodded, then went to clean some instruments to give them at least the illusion of privacy.

But after a few minutes of whispering between them, I found Jim at my back. "Hey..."

I turned silently, not sure how to react to him at the moment. This whole situation was a rollercoaster ride, and my emotions were a bit...overreactive. So I took a page from Spock's book and did my best to clamp down on them.

Jim didn't seem to find that unusual, because he continued without waiting for me to respond. "I'm sorry for all this," he said, waving his hand vaguely. "I didn't mean to upset you or force you into something you didn't want."

Spock, too, came over to me and offered his version of an apology. "It was not my intention to harm you. I regret that my actions caused you pain."

Then Jim grabbed me in a hug. I think he needed some reassurance that we were still friends. I know I did, because I fell into his embrace without even a whimper.

As I did, I found myself meeting eyes with Spock over Jim's shoulder. And suddenly--suddenly I realized what Jim wanted when he asked me to join them. I felt as if we were all connected, all a part of each other, just for a second. Then I broke eye contact with Spock, and that second was over.

I pulled back, rather shaken. Then I saw Jim and Spock gather themselves, as if they too felt something momentous. I hadn't noticed their reaction while I was in Jim's arms. But by the look of them now, they must have felt something.

As much as I wanted to know what just happened, I couldn't deal with it in the state that I was in. So, I let them leave, hand in hand, happy--relatively--once again.

There was just one problem.

Now I had the sudden urge to be with them--in ways that would have made my Mama blush.

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end part 1