Started October 22, 2001
Finished November 3, 2001
Hate and Forgiveness
Red Horseman
* * * *
I should hate her.
That's all I can think as I stand out here on the balcony of our new living
arrangements looking out into the darkness. The mountains are silhouetted by a
full moon that barely clears their peaks, dark jagged gray against the pale
gray of the night. Looking down into the valley I can see where Tokyo-3 used to
be, now all that's there is a hole in the ground where the Geofront rose out of
the earth. The roads are like gray fingers that reach out to grasp something
that is no longer there. Without humans and the noise they make, the night is
quiet except for the sounds of insects and animals living and dying in the
wilderness. Yet that is false and I can't help but bow my head in shame as I
try to ignore the truth.
She is crying again as a nightmare torments her and I can hear it even all
the way out here. It's been half an hour since she started and it tears at my
heart and my soul, as I want to ignore her. It's not the hard crying of a sudden
death of someone close, but a sob of something lost. The sobs are at times loud
and distinct with each intake of breath being clear to my ears, while at others
I can barely hear her. I shouldn't care what she is going through with
everything that has happened lately. I have my own nightmares that haunt me at
night and cause me to wake up trembling and shaking from the events in the past.
A nightmare was what had driven me to the balcony in the hopes of calming my
heart and clearing my mind, but instead I find myself even more torn.
I should hate her and I feel my body tremble from anger or is it sadness as
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. As I release that breath I find myself
turning from the railing and walking back into the dark house avoiding the
possessions of the former occupants. The dark hallway beckons to me, like I'll
find some redemption at the end or maybe just hell will greet me. But neither
of those events happened as I walk down the short hall and stop at an open
doorway, staring at the bed and its occupant. She is shaking under her thin
blanket and her cheek is streaked with silver from where the lamp light catches
her tears. Her long, auburn hair is a twisted mess and forms a crude red halo
from where she has thrown her head in trying to escape her dream. The uninjured
arm is cradling the bandaged arm as she tries to curl up into a ball but can't.
I should hate her.
She was the Demon to Touji and Kensuke right from the start when they met
her on the aircraft carrier. Sure she had every right to slap them, but she was
at fault for wearing that dress on the windy deck. And it only got worse between
the three of them when she transferred to our class and school. She teased and
ridiculed them every chance she got from being perverts to acting like little
children. It was bad enough when she only attacked them, since they were my
friends, but when I was included it was insulting. But Touji and Kensuke were
just as bad in their counterstrikes against her and her comments, which only
made things worse when events kept getting bad. I should have done something,
but I retreated, not wanting to get caught in the middle.
To the girls of our school she was the Bitch. From the first day that she
arrived at school she had the attention of every male in the school. She didn't
have to try and yet she didn't care what they thought. She flaunted her beauty
and brains showing contempt to the girls that were good looking while being
smug to the girls that were smart. She used every opportunity to reinforce her
view that she was superior to every girl in the school and that they could never
match her in looks. It was her attitude of superiority and good looks that
caused the girls to hate her. Only Hikari was her friend some how befriending
Asuka and becoming her confidante.
But the worst were the boys, both those that had dated and those that wanted
her. To them Asuka was simply the Tease at best and at the worst, I'd rather not
say. To them and me, I must admit, she was very beautiful in every physical way.
Yet she treated them like fools, leading them around by the noses and getting
what she wanted. They hated how she would only go with them once and state how
lame they had been. She told them that they were just children, immature in
every sense. The ridicule, teasing and torments finally reached the limit where
the boys didn't care about her. And yet she never noticed because she wanted
Kaji, a man who had never shown a romantic interest in her at all.
I should hate her.
Her habits haven't changed since living with Misato months ago, and I find
myself slowly making my way across the dirty floor. Kicking a pile of dirty
clothes out of the way, I sink down to my knees next to her bed. My heart is
racing as I reach out to her cheek wanting to wipe a tear away. But even asleep
she fights me by turning her head at the last moment and avoiding my fingers.
My hand finds her neck and I gently stroke it, aware that only a couple months
ago I was choking her. That slight touch on her skin causes her to turn onto
her side, tightening her body even more. A cry comes from her lips and I find
myself standing up to sit at the head of her bed.
With slow, careful motions I roll her onto my lap, easing her up into a
reclined position and holding her in an embrace. Her head rests against my
chest as my body supports her back and weight. I run a hand through her silky
hair, straightening it as much as possible, and waiting for her to wake up. But
she is too lost in the horror of her nightmare and she does not notice my
actions. Taking care not to touch her improperly, I wrap my arms around her
midsection under her own arms, avoiding putting pressure on her injuries. Her
frown eases and she grips my arm with her free hand, but never wakes. I can
only hold her letting the heat from our bodies mingle as I stare at the far
wall.
I should hate her.
She pushed me away every time I tried to get close to her, wanting to try and
understand this complex person. Since I first met her I wanted to know her, to
get close and learn how she handled her problems. But she didn't want to be
friends with me or anyone else. We were all unworthy of being in her presence,
except for Kaji. She held me in special contempt as I slowly approached and
exceeded her synch ratio. Later she pushed me completely out of her life when I
desperately needed someone to talk to about what had happened. And I didn't help
when I ran away after her mind-rape, not wanting to listen to her rage when I
should have helped.
Touji or Kensuke had always teased me that I was in love with Asuka. They
were wrong because I had never known what love was back in those months. I
didn't want to think that I was in love with Asuka and later end up hurting her
or myself because it turned out to be false. I did and still do care about her
so much and maybe in a few years I'll know what love is. But back then I wanted
to be her friend, not just a teammate or roommate. I wanted to show her that
she could come to me or me to her to talk about our problems. But that was
doomed from the start since I could never express how I truly felt and she
would never talk about her problems. Yet she had always teased me with her body
whether it was at the pool, the last night of our synch training or even our
first kiss. It destroyed me when she told me how disgusted she was for kissing
me.
I should hate her.
I feel that I should hate her for everything that she had done to me during the
Angels. I should hate this girl for tormenting and demeaning me every chance she
had and not caring about my feelings. For all her teasing and how she pushed me
away I should not be holding Asuka in my arms as she whimpers in her sleep. Yet
as I look down at her sleeping face I can't hate her. She is a twin of myself
and all I can see is two troubled teenagers with no one else to turn to for
help. I don't hate her because I can partially understand her.
During that second, hour or whatever time frame Third Impact occurred in I
learned something of her. After I had been rejected by the Asuka in my mind and
fought her on the train, I had found out something about the two of us. When our
souls and minds joined for the instant I learned more about Asuka than I
possibly wanted to. Yet I can't deny the fact that I learned something about
myself at the same time. For all our differences we are not opposites but the
same. We are only different in our expressions of our fears.
I can understand her.
During that moment of Third Impact I saw the true Asuka and she saddened
me. Instead of the tough and arrogant girl, I found a girl afraid and scared of
ever reaching out to someone for help or love. I knew she was seeing the same
thing in me as my past was exposed to her. I couldn't help but cry as I saw her
find her mother hanging dead from the ceiling or how her father had abandoned
her to the care of the uncaring NERV personnel. As I saw this I knew that I had
seen the fragile girl before when she cried for her mother at night and when
Kaji had rejected her after bringing Misato home drunk.
As her memories flashed through my mind I was surprised at how similar we
were in so many aspects. Her attitude and actions changed as I saw them combined
with the past. The teasing and demeaning of people was not done out of spite,
but to keep people at arms length. If she hurt them first, then they could never
hurt her. Keeping herself isolated and without friends ensured that they would
never abandon or leave her. I could understand because I was doing the same
things as her, but in a different way. I ran away from those that could hurt me
or I backed down from confrontations because I didn't want to be rejected. We
were both so tired of being hurt by others.
Her superior attitude I learned was that so people would not forget her.
First her mother had forgotten her, and then her father and stepmother left her
behind, to fade from their memories. From that simple touch, I saw that Asuka
felt that if she wasn't the best at everything, then she was unimportant to the
world, and a person to be forgotten in time. That was why she had seen me as a
threat, not because I would harm her, but because she would be pushed into the
background. Her sole purpose and value in her mind was to be the best EVA pilot
and not be forgotten. I felt the same way, I felt that I had value when I
piloted where before I was nobody, and worthless to society. If we couldn't
pilot EVA and be the best we had no reason to live.
I can forgive.
Staring down at her sleeping face I still find her beautiful, but this time
it isn't purely just her body. Her soul is just as beautiful, despite how she
had acted before Third Impact. Even the scars that crisscross her body can't
change my opinion of Asuka. The stupid thing is even though we had our minds
and souls laid open, we fell back into our prior roles after waking up. It was
those roles that I felt I should hate her. That Asuka still didn't trust me
enough to open up to me and I was still afraid of being rejected.
I can see that her nightmare is ending as she isn't twisting in my arms as
much and her cries are dying. Holding Asuka I can't believe that I wanted to be
alone in my life. I felt that I couldn't trust people not to hurt me or reject
my feelings. But now I no longer want to be alone, I want to trust Asuka enough
to love her and not reject me. I want her to trust me to see that I'll never
hurt her or abandon her of my own free will. But for me to accomplish that, I
have to do something that I've avoided since waking up on the beach. Reaching
over I turn the light off, getting ready to sleep and lay my head against the
wall and as I drift asleep sharing warmth with Asuka I make myself a promise.
I can forgive her.
Something is moving around in my arms as I slowly wake up to pale light.
Looking I see Asuka's blue eyes simply looking at me, she slid down into my lap
in the night. Despite that my hands are on her breasts, I don't feel nervous at
all. I gaze into her eyes waiting for the anger to erupt, but all I can see is
her puzzlement and curiosity. Swallowing before the moment is lost I tell her
what I realized last night.
"Asuka, I'll understand if you hate me." My voice is thick as I carefully
choose my words. "I haven't done anything to gain your trust. I let you be
raped by that Angel and ran away when I should have stayed. I retreated from
the world only wanting comfort from people, and now I know I should have reached
out."
I want to turn my head at this part but I don't. "I turned you into an
object and violated your body for my own purposes. Your death was on my hands
because I no longer cared about living or others, I was selfish. But the worst
thing was that I tried to kill you. I let my anger control my actions, and
blamed you for how I was feeling. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself."
"But I don't hate you." Her eyes widen, but I close mine briefly. When I open
them again in a couple seconds I finish. "And I forgive you. I forgive you for
the entire name calling and teasing. Whatever happened before I don't care about
that anymore."
I can only watch sadly as two tears escape her eyes and slide down her
cheeks. Slowly I release her from my embrace and wait for her judgment or even
punishment. Instead of rushing out of my arms and away from me, she slowly sits
up and gets to her feet. She spends a few moments adjusting a sling on her arm
before turning back to me. We simply look at each other silently. I can see that
she is nervous about something from the way she is biting her lower lip. With
the barest of hesitation Asuka lifts her free arm to me with her palm up. I sit
there staring unsure at what is happening.
She is shaking, I notice her hand tremble at my inaction, as I continue to
sit on the bed. Reaching out I carefully lay my hand on hers getting a small
smile as my reward. She curls her fingers around my hand and tugs slightly,
making me come to my feet. Still holding my hand she slowly walks out of her
room and out of the house. I can't do anything, as I'm unused to a gentle touch
from Asuka, her skin is so soft and warm. We leave the house and walk along a
path in the grass that I have not noticed before. Asuka never misses a step as
we climb the hill behind the house in our bare feet.
"Asuka." I start as we reach the top, slightly winded.
"Quiet Shinji," Her voice is a whisper.
I look around in amazement and sadness at what she has done to the hilltop.
Small crosses are arranged in a row so that the rising sun strikes all of them,
causing them to point to a rectangular rock. Asuka guides me to the rock and
letting go of my hand sits down. After I sit down she doesn't move closer, she
is sitting there staring at the horizon. The sun is slowly climbing into the
sky casting a rainbow of reds and oranges across the land and our lookout. I
turn my head blinking away tears and see Asuka looking at me tears still in her
eyes.
"Shinji, I can't forgive you." I try to stand by she is gripping my arm
tightly. "Please, just hear me out."
"I can't forgive you yet, because I still have to forgive myself. You say
that you haven't forgiven yourself but you have. You've come to terms with your
actions, at least partially."
"No."
"Yes, you have or you would have never told me about," She swallows and
lowers her eyes. "About what you did to me." Asuka soon looks at me again.
"But I still have to come to terms with how I treated you and others. I need to
think of who I really am and who I want to be in the future."
"Asuka?"
She gets up and walks over to the crosses and kneels down reaching out to
touch one. "Do you know what these represent?"
I shake my head silently, "No I don't."
"They represent everyone who has ever hurt or abandoned me." She goes quiet
and I can see her tremble. "And everyone who I have hurt."
Getting up I walk over to the crosses and look at the names. Sure enough each
little crosspiece has a name carved into it. It doesn't surprise me to see
Misato's and my name on separate crosses. Or her mother and Kaji's on others.
There are at least a dozen crosses on this hilltop bearing names of people who
Asuka felt were important enough to remember. Seeing Rei's name on the last
cross is a big surprise, but I don't know if it is because Rei hurt Asuka, or
vice versa. Maybe both.
"Deep down I know that my mother didn't mean to leave me or that you'll never
hurt me on purpose." Asuka reaches out to steady herself before continuing. "Or
that you won't leave me. That's what my nightmare was about last night. I dreamt
that instead of working with me these last months you turned your back on me and
walked away. I'm tired of letting my past shape my future."
"I just need more time Shinji. Two months isn't long enough for me to forgive
my past life or my opinions of you. -Please-," Asuka stressed that word. "Just
be patient."
I slowly make my way over to her as I let her words sink in about how she
needs more time. Have I come to terms with myself that quickly or is it just a
delusion? Resting a hand on her shoulder I can feel Asuka tremble at my touch,
but I don't remove my hand. When she stands and turns around her hair has
covered her face partially. I stop as I reach out and study her face, seeing
only a faint trace of sadness.
"I'll give you as much time as you need Asuka. I'll always be here for you
and never leave. I promise." She nods her head and gives me a small smile.
"Thank you."
* * * *
Shinji and Asuka are the same person if you take a look at them. They only
differ in how they express their fears. If you look at Asuka in the series and
truly try to understand her you see that everything she does is defensive. She
pushes people away before they can leave her. Asuka hurts people first so that
they will not hurt her. She has the same experiences as Shinji relating to
families and how they were ignored as children. Both their lives have been ones
of pain and suffering. They do not want to trust people for fear of rejection
and being hurt.
Anyways C&C is welcome.
Red Horseman: eva_pilot9@secondimpact.com
Finished November 3, 2001
Hate and Forgiveness
Red Horseman
* * * *
I should hate her.
That's all I can think as I stand out here on the balcony of our new living
arrangements looking out into the darkness. The mountains are silhouetted by a
full moon that barely clears their peaks, dark jagged gray against the pale
gray of the night. Looking down into the valley I can see where Tokyo-3 used to
be, now all that's there is a hole in the ground where the Geofront rose out of
the earth. The roads are like gray fingers that reach out to grasp something
that is no longer there. Without humans and the noise they make, the night is
quiet except for the sounds of insects and animals living and dying in the
wilderness. Yet that is false and I can't help but bow my head in shame as I
try to ignore the truth.
She is crying again as a nightmare torments her and I can hear it even all
the way out here. It's been half an hour since she started and it tears at my
heart and my soul, as I want to ignore her. It's not the hard crying of a sudden
death of someone close, but a sob of something lost. The sobs are at times loud
and distinct with each intake of breath being clear to my ears, while at others
I can barely hear her. I shouldn't care what she is going through with
everything that has happened lately. I have my own nightmares that haunt me at
night and cause me to wake up trembling and shaking from the events in the past.
A nightmare was what had driven me to the balcony in the hopes of calming my
heart and clearing my mind, but instead I find myself even more torn.
I should hate her and I feel my body tremble from anger or is it sadness as
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. As I release that breath I find myself
turning from the railing and walking back into the dark house avoiding the
possessions of the former occupants. The dark hallway beckons to me, like I'll
find some redemption at the end or maybe just hell will greet me. But neither
of those events happened as I walk down the short hall and stop at an open
doorway, staring at the bed and its occupant. She is shaking under her thin
blanket and her cheek is streaked with silver from where the lamp light catches
her tears. Her long, auburn hair is a twisted mess and forms a crude red halo
from where she has thrown her head in trying to escape her dream. The uninjured
arm is cradling the bandaged arm as she tries to curl up into a ball but can't.
I should hate her.
She was the Demon to Touji and Kensuke right from the start when they met
her on the aircraft carrier. Sure she had every right to slap them, but she was
at fault for wearing that dress on the windy deck. And it only got worse between
the three of them when she transferred to our class and school. She teased and
ridiculed them every chance she got from being perverts to acting like little
children. It was bad enough when she only attacked them, since they were my
friends, but when I was included it was insulting. But Touji and Kensuke were
just as bad in their counterstrikes against her and her comments, which only
made things worse when events kept getting bad. I should have done something,
but I retreated, not wanting to get caught in the middle.
To the girls of our school she was the Bitch. From the first day that she
arrived at school she had the attention of every male in the school. She didn't
have to try and yet she didn't care what they thought. She flaunted her beauty
and brains showing contempt to the girls that were good looking while being
smug to the girls that were smart. She used every opportunity to reinforce her
view that she was superior to every girl in the school and that they could never
match her in looks. It was her attitude of superiority and good looks that
caused the girls to hate her. Only Hikari was her friend some how befriending
Asuka and becoming her confidante.
But the worst were the boys, both those that had dated and those that wanted
her. To them Asuka was simply the Tease at best and at the worst, I'd rather not
say. To them and me, I must admit, she was very beautiful in every physical way.
Yet she treated them like fools, leading them around by the noses and getting
what she wanted. They hated how she would only go with them once and state how
lame they had been. She told them that they were just children, immature in
every sense. The ridicule, teasing and torments finally reached the limit where
the boys didn't care about her. And yet she never noticed because she wanted
Kaji, a man who had never shown a romantic interest in her at all.
I should hate her.
Her habits haven't changed since living with Misato months ago, and I find
myself slowly making my way across the dirty floor. Kicking a pile of dirty
clothes out of the way, I sink down to my knees next to her bed. My heart is
racing as I reach out to her cheek wanting to wipe a tear away. But even asleep
she fights me by turning her head at the last moment and avoiding my fingers.
My hand finds her neck and I gently stroke it, aware that only a couple months
ago I was choking her. That slight touch on her skin causes her to turn onto
her side, tightening her body even more. A cry comes from her lips and I find
myself standing up to sit at the head of her bed.
With slow, careful motions I roll her onto my lap, easing her up into a
reclined position and holding her in an embrace. Her head rests against my
chest as my body supports her back and weight. I run a hand through her silky
hair, straightening it as much as possible, and waiting for her to wake up. But
she is too lost in the horror of her nightmare and she does not notice my
actions. Taking care not to touch her improperly, I wrap my arms around her
midsection under her own arms, avoiding putting pressure on her injuries. Her
frown eases and she grips my arm with her free hand, but never wakes. I can
only hold her letting the heat from our bodies mingle as I stare at the far
wall.
I should hate her.
She pushed me away every time I tried to get close to her, wanting to try and
understand this complex person. Since I first met her I wanted to know her, to
get close and learn how she handled her problems. But she didn't want to be
friends with me or anyone else. We were all unworthy of being in her presence,
except for Kaji. She held me in special contempt as I slowly approached and
exceeded her synch ratio. Later she pushed me completely out of her life when I
desperately needed someone to talk to about what had happened. And I didn't help
when I ran away after her mind-rape, not wanting to listen to her rage when I
should have helped.
Touji or Kensuke had always teased me that I was in love with Asuka. They
were wrong because I had never known what love was back in those months. I
didn't want to think that I was in love with Asuka and later end up hurting her
or myself because it turned out to be false. I did and still do care about her
so much and maybe in a few years I'll know what love is. But back then I wanted
to be her friend, not just a teammate or roommate. I wanted to show her that
she could come to me or me to her to talk about our problems. But that was
doomed from the start since I could never express how I truly felt and she
would never talk about her problems. Yet she had always teased me with her body
whether it was at the pool, the last night of our synch training or even our
first kiss. It destroyed me when she told me how disgusted she was for kissing
me.
I should hate her.
I feel that I should hate her for everything that she had done to me during the
Angels. I should hate this girl for tormenting and demeaning me every chance she
had and not caring about my feelings. For all her teasing and how she pushed me
away I should not be holding Asuka in my arms as she whimpers in her sleep. Yet
as I look down at her sleeping face I can't hate her. She is a twin of myself
and all I can see is two troubled teenagers with no one else to turn to for
help. I don't hate her because I can partially understand her.
During that second, hour or whatever time frame Third Impact occurred in I
learned something of her. After I had been rejected by the Asuka in my mind and
fought her on the train, I had found out something about the two of us. When our
souls and minds joined for the instant I learned more about Asuka than I
possibly wanted to. Yet I can't deny the fact that I learned something about
myself at the same time. For all our differences we are not opposites but the
same. We are only different in our expressions of our fears.
I can understand her.
During that moment of Third Impact I saw the true Asuka and she saddened
me. Instead of the tough and arrogant girl, I found a girl afraid and scared of
ever reaching out to someone for help or love. I knew she was seeing the same
thing in me as my past was exposed to her. I couldn't help but cry as I saw her
find her mother hanging dead from the ceiling or how her father had abandoned
her to the care of the uncaring NERV personnel. As I saw this I knew that I had
seen the fragile girl before when she cried for her mother at night and when
Kaji had rejected her after bringing Misato home drunk.
As her memories flashed through my mind I was surprised at how similar we
were in so many aspects. Her attitude and actions changed as I saw them combined
with the past. The teasing and demeaning of people was not done out of spite,
but to keep people at arms length. If she hurt them first, then they could never
hurt her. Keeping herself isolated and without friends ensured that they would
never abandon or leave her. I could understand because I was doing the same
things as her, but in a different way. I ran away from those that could hurt me
or I backed down from confrontations because I didn't want to be rejected. We
were both so tired of being hurt by others.
Her superior attitude I learned was that so people would not forget her.
First her mother had forgotten her, and then her father and stepmother left her
behind, to fade from their memories. From that simple touch, I saw that Asuka
felt that if she wasn't the best at everything, then she was unimportant to the
world, and a person to be forgotten in time. That was why she had seen me as a
threat, not because I would harm her, but because she would be pushed into the
background. Her sole purpose and value in her mind was to be the best EVA pilot
and not be forgotten. I felt the same way, I felt that I had value when I
piloted where before I was nobody, and worthless to society. If we couldn't
pilot EVA and be the best we had no reason to live.
I can forgive.
Staring down at her sleeping face I still find her beautiful, but this time
it isn't purely just her body. Her soul is just as beautiful, despite how she
had acted before Third Impact. Even the scars that crisscross her body can't
change my opinion of Asuka. The stupid thing is even though we had our minds
and souls laid open, we fell back into our prior roles after waking up. It was
those roles that I felt I should hate her. That Asuka still didn't trust me
enough to open up to me and I was still afraid of being rejected.
I can see that her nightmare is ending as she isn't twisting in my arms as
much and her cries are dying. Holding Asuka I can't believe that I wanted to be
alone in my life. I felt that I couldn't trust people not to hurt me or reject
my feelings. But now I no longer want to be alone, I want to trust Asuka enough
to love her and not reject me. I want her to trust me to see that I'll never
hurt her or abandon her of my own free will. But for me to accomplish that, I
have to do something that I've avoided since waking up on the beach. Reaching
over I turn the light off, getting ready to sleep and lay my head against the
wall and as I drift asleep sharing warmth with Asuka I make myself a promise.
I can forgive her.
Something is moving around in my arms as I slowly wake up to pale light.
Looking I see Asuka's blue eyes simply looking at me, she slid down into my lap
in the night. Despite that my hands are on her breasts, I don't feel nervous at
all. I gaze into her eyes waiting for the anger to erupt, but all I can see is
her puzzlement and curiosity. Swallowing before the moment is lost I tell her
what I realized last night.
"Asuka, I'll understand if you hate me." My voice is thick as I carefully
choose my words. "I haven't done anything to gain your trust. I let you be
raped by that Angel and ran away when I should have stayed. I retreated from
the world only wanting comfort from people, and now I know I should have reached
out."
I want to turn my head at this part but I don't. "I turned you into an
object and violated your body for my own purposes. Your death was on my hands
because I no longer cared about living or others, I was selfish. But the worst
thing was that I tried to kill you. I let my anger control my actions, and
blamed you for how I was feeling. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself."
"But I don't hate you." Her eyes widen, but I close mine briefly. When I open
them again in a couple seconds I finish. "And I forgive you. I forgive you for
the entire name calling and teasing. Whatever happened before I don't care about
that anymore."
I can only watch sadly as two tears escape her eyes and slide down her
cheeks. Slowly I release her from my embrace and wait for her judgment or even
punishment. Instead of rushing out of my arms and away from me, she slowly sits
up and gets to her feet. She spends a few moments adjusting a sling on her arm
before turning back to me. We simply look at each other silently. I can see that
she is nervous about something from the way she is biting her lower lip. With
the barest of hesitation Asuka lifts her free arm to me with her palm up. I sit
there staring unsure at what is happening.
She is shaking, I notice her hand tremble at my inaction, as I continue to
sit on the bed. Reaching out I carefully lay my hand on hers getting a small
smile as my reward. She curls her fingers around my hand and tugs slightly,
making me come to my feet. Still holding my hand she slowly walks out of her
room and out of the house. I can't do anything, as I'm unused to a gentle touch
from Asuka, her skin is so soft and warm. We leave the house and walk along a
path in the grass that I have not noticed before. Asuka never misses a step as
we climb the hill behind the house in our bare feet.
"Asuka." I start as we reach the top, slightly winded.
"Quiet Shinji," Her voice is a whisper.
I look around in amazement and sadness at what she has done to the hilltop.
Small crosses are arranged in a row so that the rising sun strikes all of them,
causing them to point to a rectangular rock. Asuka guides me to the rock and
letting go of my hand sits down. After I sit down she doesn't move closer, she
is sitting there staring at the horizon. The sun is slowly climbing into the
sky casting a rainbow of reds and oranges across the land and our lookout. I
turn my head blinking away tears and see Asuka looking at me tears still in her
eyes.
"Shinji, I can't forgive you." I try to stand by she is gripping my arm
tightly. "Please, just hear me out."
"I can't forgive you yet, because I still have to forgive myself. You say
that you haven't forgiven yourself but you have. You've come to terms with your
actions, at least partially."
"No."
"Yes, you have or you would have never told me about," She swallows and
lowers her eyes. "About what you did to me." Asuka soon looks at me again.
"But I still have to come to terms with how I treated you and others. I need to
think of who I really am and who I want to be in the future."
"Asuka?"
She gets up and walks over to the crosses and kneels down reaching out to
touch one. "Do you know what these represent?"
I shake my head silently, "No I don't."
"They represent everyone who has ever hurt or abandoned me." She goes quiet
and I can see her tremble. "And everyone who I have hurt."
Getting up I walk over to the crosses and look at the names. Sure enough each
little crosspiece has a name carved into it. It doesn't surprise me to see
Misato's and my name on separate crosses. Or her mother and Kaji's on others.
There are at least a dozen crosses on this hilltop bearing names of people who
Asuka felt were important enough to remember. Seeing Rei's name on the last
cross is a big surprise, but I don't know if it is because Rei hurt Asuka, or
vice versa. Maybe both.
"Deep down I know that my mother didn't mean to leave me or that you'll never
hurt me on purpose." Asuka reaches out to steady herself before continuing. "Or
that you won't leave me. That's what my nightmare was about last night. I dreamt
that instead of working with me these last months you turned your back on me and
walked away. I'm tired of letting my past shape my future."
"I just need more time Shinji. Two months isn't long enough for me to forgive
my past life or my opinions of you. -Please-," Asuka stressed that word. "Just
be patient."
I slowly make my way over to her as I let her words sink in about how she
needs more time. Have I come to terms with myself that quickly or is it just a
delusion? Resting a hand on her shoulder I can feel Asuka tremble at my touch,
but I don't remove my hand. When she stands and turns around her hair has
covered her face partially. I stop as I reach out and study her face, seeing
only a faint trace of sadness.
"I'll give you as much time as you need Asuka. I'll always be here for you
and never leave. I promise." She nods her head and gives me a small smile.
"Thank you."
* * * *
Shinji and Asuka are the same person if you take a look at them. They only
differ in how they express their fears. If you look at Asuka in the series and
truly try to understand her you see that everything she does is defensive. She
pushes people away before they can leave her. Asuka hurts people first so that
they will not hurt her. She has the same experiences as Shinji relating to
families and how they were ignored as children. Both their lives have been ones
of pain and suffering. They do not want to trust people for fear of rejection
and being hurt.
Anyways C&C is welcome.
Red Horseman: eva_pilot9@secondimpact.com