Past
Right now I'm sitting in my living room, no lights or music; only silence. The door to the balcony is open, and I can slightly hear the wind blowing outside. This was something I had always feared. Sitting in the dark, by myself. Being alone. Having to listen to my own thoughts instead of pushing them away. The thoughts that ran through my head was frustrating, hurting, sad. Most of all they scared me. I was scared of myself, of what I might do if I ever let those thoughts get through. Right now I'm sitting in my living room, no lights or music; only silence. I feel safe, I feel happy.
Letting go of the past is the hardest thing to do. But, in my case, letting go of the past was the smartest thing to do. Making my life mean something to others and, most importantly, to myself. To get people to listen when I talk was the hardest, but now I know they can hear me. They let me know that my voice matters and they don't push the words away.
My life has been like climbing a mountain, I crawl my way towards to the top, but I keep slipping and falling back down. Now I have reached the top, and my feet are solidly planted to the ground, no more slipping. I can walk for miles without falling down, some small hills from time to time. But it's straight; I'm not falling down.
I close my eyes and see flashes of my friends, smiling and laughing. That made me jealous before, that my friends could be so happy, that they couldn't see my pain. I still see them that way, only now I see myself right by their side, smiling and laughing.
I have given up trying to hold on to the past, to hold on to the memories from the past, to not loose it. In my case, letting go was the best thing to do. I have not lost anything, just gained a lot. Letting go of the past was the best thing for me to do. I open my eyes again and I slowly turn on the lights, and the music. I smile and for one last time I go back to the past. One last time, before I say goodbye forever.
Written by; Juliane Grytten