"STRIDER, I WANT YOU TO HELP ME IN UNDERSTANDING YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN WAYS OF THE SCRAPS OF EARTH LIFE YOU HAVE LEFT."
Dave didn't move from his seat. Neither did he cast a glance at the impatient troll. He continued scribbling lyrics of rap on the blank piece of paper, all in hopes that Karkat would be irritated with his ignorant attitude and leave him alone.
Well, five seconds of silence was a miracle until all hope was lost.
"STRIDER, ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME? OR ARE YOUR EARS FULLY COVERED IN GREASY SLIME OF WAX?" Huffing annoyingly, Karkat poked Dave's shoulder. Not a single reaction was given, though Karkat wouldn't be surprised. This wouldn't be the first time he got ignored by Dave-fucking-Strider. "STRIDER, AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT THIS, BUT I REALLY DO NEED ASSISTANCE IN UNDERSTANDING THIS FUCKING PARTICULAR SUBJECT."
"Dude go away I'm busy doing serious stuff." Finally Dave gave a reaction, voice obviously not amused with Karkat's unneeded interruption. Arms crossing against his chest, Karkat took a peek at the 'serious stuff' the human was working on. "UNLESS ALL THE 'SERIOUS STUFF' SHIT IN THE HUMAN WORLD ARE ABOUT WRITING USELESS CRAP AND DRAWING POORLY DRAWN ANATOMY, THEN I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU HALT AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A WHILE."
"Okay whoah hey don't lash the hate." Taking the sheet of paper and shoving it on Karkat's face, Dave boastfully declared, "My rap is filled with cool words that will bring the whole house down and all the chicks flailin' screaming-" His voice switched to a rather poorly impression of a girl as he continued, "-'Oh my God it's the Rap King all hail the Rap King Rap King have my babies!'" Coughing lightly, Dave took one sharp breath and added, "And my drawings are cool as hell too it'll bring Picasso to tears they're like unicorn aphrodisiacs." Before Karkat could swipe the paper away, Dave retracted his arm away and slapped the paper back on the desk. "It's dope as hell."
Karkat gaped as Dave huffed in pride. After a minute of utter bewilderment, he quickly shook his head and blew a loud grunt. "I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR DOPENESS YOU DIPSHIT. ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS THIS BIRTHDAY SHIT."
Well, that quite snatched Dave's attention. A single eyebrow rising in curiosity, he looked at Karkat. "What the hell do you wanna know about that for?"
He saw him lightly chew his lower lip, indicating that the troll was either thinking or hesitating. "WELL…" Karkat gave a light cough and ceased his screaming, for he thought the subject at hand would be better to converse in a rather private manner, "I accidentally heard that Rose and Kanaya will be celebrating a somewhat human event called 'birthday'." Right hand slowly scratching the back of his head, Karkat breathed a low sigh and looked away.
Though his lips began to produce grumbles instead of clear crystal sentences, Dave could hear him perfectly, "And I also heard my name in their conversation, so I believe this 'birthday' is meant for me. All I need to obtain information from your dismantled brain is about this particular day. What the fucking hell is it?"
Dave swore he heard it wrong, or he had gone completely deaf. Hell, for a brief moment, he wanted to go back 5 seconds in time to make sure that he heard what he thought he heard. Here, standing before him, the Karkat Vantas, a troll he had known – and maybe, befriended – for almost a year, was utterly clueless about birthdays. And there wasn't a hint of sarcasm on the troll's face; only genuine, confused – slightly frustrated but then again that's always him – curiosity.
And just like that, a little devious grin twitched at the edge of his lips.
"Well then," Looking away and two fingers tapping his mouth, Dave gave a small pout as if he was in deep thought. "I don't know how to say this to you, man. Hell, I actually wished this day wouldn't come."
Although Dave didn't meet his eyes with Karkat, he knew the troll began to feel uneasy at his statement. "What the hell do you mean?"
The Knight bit back the urge to laugh. Right arm wrapping around his waist and left fist lightly tapping his mouth, Dave took a deep, long breath.
That act alone was enough to snap Karkat. "DAMMIT STRIDER SPIT IT OUT!"
Honestly, Dave was giving it his all not to burst right on the spot. Deciding that it was time to take it up a notch, he looked straight into the stunned troll's eyes with the most serious expression he could muster. "Rose and Kanaya are going to stab you and take your heart out for sacrifice."
"WHAT?!" A high-pitched shrill echoed inside the empty room. Karkat almost tripped and fell on his bum, completely taken aback by the words from Strider. "I… YOU'RE FUCKING SHITTING ME!"
"Oh I am not shitting you, dude." Dave spoke calmly, though his mind was already cackling like a thousand circus monkeys. "A birthday is a mating ritual. It happens every so often when someone finds their soulmate. When they do, they'll find a person whose like close to them like birth next and literally eat their hearts for good luck and stuff."
Although Karkat was trying his best not to believe in such bullshit, his thoughts had already clouded his rational judgement. "YOU'RE FUCKING BULLSHITTING ME," he screamed madly, voice unfortunately croaking in hinted fear.
Dave gave a single shrug, hands raised in a form of defeat. "Hey, you wanted intelligent human knowledge. You got intelligent human knowledge." Before the petite troll could snap at his face once again, he lightly patted his soft black hair and began to walk away. "I'm sorry for your heart, man. Well, it's been nice knowing ya." Fully guaranteed that Karkat wasn't able to see his face, Dave flashed a wide, cocky smirk.
Karkat gaped in silence, mouth dropping low and eyes growing wide as they could be. "No way…" He muttered blankly, expression still wearing one of disbelieving bewilderment. "YOU ARE FUCKING SHITTING ME, STRIDER. NO FUCKING WAY!"
"It's your heart, dude!" He heard him scream from outside the room, voice soon fading into a silent echo. Two minutes ticked by, and Karkat soon felt his heart race like his life depended on it.
Well, considering the situation given, his heart really was in jeopardy and his life was depending on that beating organ. "S-shit…"
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARKA-"
"GAAAAAHHH!"
Rose, Kanaya, Terezi, Aradia, even Gamzee froze as Karkat shrieked without reason and fell on his bum. "Karkat," Kanaya spoke gently, foot slowly sliding one step forward, "Did We Frighten You?"
The shortest troll didn't reply, for his round eyes were too intent at a somewhat strange form of creamy food in the hands of Terezi. Forcing a heavy gulp, Karkat moved his eyes to see something that was in Rose's hand. If he didn't any know better, his heart literally stopped to see the item in her grasp: A knife.
Dave was right. His heart was a goner. He was going to die.
But most of all, his worst had finally happened: Dave was right.
"I NEED MY HEART DON'T COME NEAR ME OH MY GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Yelling like a delusional madman, Karkat immediately hopped back to his feet and scampered away, leaving the group as they gawked in thick bafflement.
Silence lingered in the area. All stood perfectly still, minds unable to process at the sudden reaction Karkat had just given.
"DO3S TH1S M34N 1 C4N 34T TH3 C4K3 NOW?" Finally, Terezi broke the silence, lips deliciously licking at the succulent cake in her palms. A response wasn't given – and that was a 'yes' for her. "WOOHOO!" Arms up in the air, she dashed off with the cake.
All eyes were still at the direction Karkat had run off. All bodies remained still as stone. Suddenly, Rose could perfectly hear a gleeful cackle from behind.
It didn't take her long enough to realize whose fault it was. "Of course…"
END.