Disclaimer: Samluvsbanana and Jacquelin Sparrow, who are the cowriters of this insanity, own nothing but the plot.
The Black Pearl was clearly lost; of course, Captain Jack Sparrow didn't want to admit this. (Men asking for directions and all that rot.) He kept ignoring Annamaria's prodding to stop at the nearest port and ask where they were, until Marty the Midget screamed from the crow's nest:
"What the bloody blazes is that!"
The crew rushed to the prow of the ship, pushing for a spot so that they could see what the fuss was about. Two huge statues loomed up in front of them, flanking the shores of the wide river in which they had found themselves. Annamaria gave Jack a mighty punch in the arm which prompted Will to ask if he deserved it.
"I told you we were lost," Annamaria hissed. "Clearly this is not the Caribbean."
"We're not lost; we're simply traveling unknown horizons." Jake stated confidently.
The Fellowship sailed gallantly down the Anduin River, confident now in the quest they had to fulfill. But suddenly out of the mist sailed something of which none of the eight had ever seen the like.
Frodo pointed and exclaimed, "That looks like one of Gandalf's ship- shaped smoke rings." Tears welled suddenly in his large blue eclipse-like eyes at the thought of his beloved friend.
"Gandalf!" He exclaimed in a barely audible voice. (Audio formatting is a pain, you know.)
At this, of course, the other three hobbits (who sadly were not Elijah Wood) simultaneously burst into tears.
"Oh, come on you guys," scolded Legolas, as he handed out tissues from his on-the-go Beauty Paque. "We can't keep touching up that make-up every five minutes!"
"What make-up," Frodo whimpered wiping at a curiously pink cheek.
Strider looking on in disgust suddenly noticed a familiar figure aboard the strange ship.
"Hey Leggy," he called. "That guy is as pretty as you."
Legolas quickly turned (with a hair flip second only to that of a Charlie's Angel) and glared at the manly ranger.
"No one is prettier than I am."
This of course began a light scuffle between our rugged hero and the elf.
Will immediately turned to look (with a hair flip eerily similar to that which Legolas employed only moments before) and saw the alarming tussle.
"Perhaps we could ask them for directions," Will remarked sensibly.
"Real men don't ask for directions," Jack replied. Annamaria smirked keeping her comments to herself. Will glared at the pirate crew and hailed the group.
The Hobbits who were still in the midst of their pity party, looked up to see who was trying to get their attention. Gimli sat serenely in the midst of it all, still in the euphoria gained from his three strands of Galadriel's hair. Borimir, who had been watching Legolas and Strider exchange blows with some amusement, slapped Strider on the back of the head to get his attention. The newly unconscious ranger sank into the depths of the river.
Jack viewing this catastrophe, looked around at his crew, sighed heavily, removed his personal affects and dove into the water rather gracefully. Seconds later, the two emerged, soaking wet, onto the shores of the Anduin. Despite the lack of a corset, Jack noticed that his latest rescue was not breathing. Unsettled at the prospect of administering mouth to mouth to another man (especially one with stubble) the pirate captain hailed the rangers friends.
"You! Blonde eunuch! Come here and help your friend."
The Hobbits, who were still to scared to move, remained huddled in their boats. However, Legolas rowed gaily to the shore, leaping gracefully from his canoe. After glancing about to ensure that everyone had seen his physical prowess, the woodland elf knelt at Strider's side.
"No breath comes. He will surely die." He said dramatically.
"Will, we've got a new king of stating the obvious." Jack shouted back to the Pearl.
"Someone must breathe for him." Legolas stated matter-of-factly.
"That's why I called you over here mate. Savvy!!" Jack said gesturing toward Strider prone form.
Legolas, not enthralled by having to put his mouth to another man's, especially not one so dirty and ITCHY, knew his duty nonetheless. But, as he was preparing to do the deed, Arwen rode from the trees on Glorfindel's horse.
"What's this!"Arwen shouted. "A ranger caught off his guard? What did you do to him?" She demanded of Jack before administering a ringing slap.
Jack awkwardly stepped backward as Will shouted from the ship. "Did you also deserve that one?"
Jack who was now as unconscious as the prone Strider, did not dignify this with a response. Meanwhile, Arwen had puffed life back into our masculine hero.
Directly after this, Glorfindel emerged from the forest on foot in an elflike rage directed primarily at Arwen.
"First they replace me with the pretty-boy, then they replace me with you, and now you steal my horse! It's my horse, mine; my own; my preciousssssssssssss."
"Hey," Frodo shouted from afar. "That's my line. Mine. My own. My Prec....."
Before Frodo even had the chance to finish Gollum hopped from the Anduin onto the anchored Pearl.
"My Preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!"
Jack, just recovering from his own bout with unconsciousness, looked about him in askance.
"Of all the places we could end, up it had to be here in the bloody funny farm!"
Glorfindel quickly chased Arwen back into the trees and Cotton's parrot urged Gollum back into the water.
A/N: This is dedicated to the honorable J. R. R. Tolkien, (who is no doubt spinning in his grave) and to Captain Jack Sparrow, who (if he were real) would be basking in the glow of his manly anti-heroness.
Please review! By: Jacquelin Sparrow and Samluvsbanana (I get first billing down here, since samluvsbanana got it at the top)
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