Taj Mahal, evening. Crickets, rippling water, soft music and clinking glasses.
THERESA: Martin. You asked me out because you think I am attractive, yes?
MARTIN: ...Yes? I mean, oh God, yes.
THERESA: Then perhaps it would be nice to indicate that you were pleased to see me.
(Pause.)
THERESA: With a kiss?
MARTIN: Oh. Right! Right. yes. Right.
(Sound of very chaste kiss.)
THERESA: And you know, spontaneity is also nice.
MARTIN: Ok. I can be spontaneous. Just let me know when.
THERESA: Martin.
MARTIN: Right. Sorry. Right.
THERESA: So, for example, here we are at the foot of a magnificent sweep of steps looking out at the reflecting pool, under the light of the enormous moon, and all around us is pearl and silver and blue. Why not celebrate the moment in a spontaneous and passionate embrace on the steps?
MARTIN:( squeaks) I...um... Passionate. ...Of course. ...Mmn..
(Pause. Rustling of clothes. )
THERESA: Martin. Perhaps it is better if only you stand on the steps. I don't want you to get a crick in your neck.
xxxx
Gertie, flight deck.
(Flight deck door opens).
CAROLYN: Martin, I have a bone to pick with you. A skinny, rather abrasive Lichtensteinian bone.
DOUGLAS: Do bones have skin?
ARTHUR: Coffee all! And Douglas, it's teeth that have skin, not bones.
MARTIN: She's not abrasive, she's very nice.
DOUGLAS: This must be so. Certainly the goodbye I witnessed as we left Vaduz would have worn you to a nub otherwise.
MARTIN: Douglas! That was a private moment between two people.
DOUGLAS: On the roof of the royal Lichtensteinian airport surrounded by an honour guard and brass band? I think CNN were there.
ARTHUR: I saw Nicholas Witchall.
CAROLYN: Hush, Arthur. Martin, this is serious. We have just received a series of bookings from the royal family of Lichtenstein to fly her royal snootiness hither and thither over the course of the next few months.
MARTIN: Oh. That's good. Isn't it?
CAROLYN: That depends. Glancing at the charter details, I noticed that many of the flights are to... here. Fitton.
DOUGLAS: Martin, you're blushing.
MARTIN: Am not.
DOUGLAS: Are too. Carolyn, has Martin's girlfriend hired the plane that Martin notionally helps to fly, to pick her up and bring her here to see... Martin?
CAROLYN: So it would seem, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: Well. Whatever you're doing, Martin, it's working. And unique. Not many people get to pilot their own nookie run.
MARTIN: It's not a - what you said! She has important state business!
CAROLYN: In Fitton, Martin? On a Saturday night? Sorry, I must have missed the Lichtensteinian embassy on my trips between the petrol station and the garden centre.
MARTIN: (harrumphs).
CAROLYN: This causes me a problem, Martin. While the sudden injection of income is most welcome, the idea that its continuation depends on you is extremely disturbing. Her royal highness' fascination with your manly charms may end at any moment.
MARTIN: Thanks for the vote of confidence.
CAROLYN: She is a princess, Martin! She commands an army, she wears a crown. You drive a plane and wear an elaborate hat. Where can this frankly baffling relationship go?
MARTIN: (quietly.) I know. I'm .. I'm out of my league. I don't know what she sees in me. But (gathering strength, clawing back some dignity) so long as it does go, back and forth between here and anywhere lots of times, earning you tons of cash, what do you care? In fact, yes, I should get a bonus for bringing in the business in the first place!
DOUGLAS: Now there's an employee incentive plan.
CAROLYN: Shut up, Douglas. Martin, I just don't want my cashflow interrupted every time you two have an argument about who left the lid off the toothpaste.
MARTIN: I would never leave the lid off the toothpaste.
CAROLYN: Ah, but does she? As love progresses, we learn one another's revolting little habits and come to regret the intimacy into which we have so carelessly stumbled. So be warned!
(Door slam)
MARTIN: (Mutters) There isn't any intimacy yet anyway.
DOUGLAS: (Deeply despairing). Oh Martin.
xxxx
An air museum somewhere in the UK. Sounds of a guided tour in the background. Echoey large hall suggestive of hangar.
THERESA: Martin... you know how you are not only a captain, but also a man with a van?
MARTIN: When Carolyn gives me enough time between flights to actually drive anywhere.
THERESA: Well... I have had an idea. Would you like to be my man with a plane? The royal family has been considering owning a jet for a while now, and it would save all this tedious chartering of flights from dragons. - We would pay you more than you earn currently, of course. (Flirtatiously). And accommodation would be provided as part of the deal. The south wing of the castle has some pleasant apartments overlooking the lake.
MARTIN: That's... that's very generous.
THERESA: Isn't it. But of course there is something in it for me, namely, you.
(Smooching sounds).
THERESA: So, what do you think? I would really like you to come and be with me. I think you are fun. And I think you could use a proper job.
MARTIN: I – I'll have to think about it. Look, it's raining outside– let me get you another drink from the viewing platform bar. Then, um, then maybe we can walk round and see the turbines again. (Sounds of hurrying away).
THERESA: (calling after him). Don't think too long. Much as I enjoy the commute to Fitton, I really need to be at home in Lichtenstein, you know... reigning.
xxxx
Gertie
DOUGLAS: I hope your Highness has had a pleasant flight, and we look forward to seeing you again in about a day and a half. I'm going to hand you over to the captain now and even finish his paperwork for him so he can get the van out of the car park... because that's the kind of great guy I am.
xxxx
Outside. Airfield noises in distance.
THERESA: So, this is your answer.
MARTIN: Theresa. I'm really grateful for your offer. Really I am. But...MJN Air is my... family. If I leave, Carolyn can't afford to hire a new second pilot, and without long haul flights the airline would fold. I can't do it to them. I'm sorry.
(Pause)
THERESA: So am I.
Sound of heels walking away.
MARTIN: Theresa. Don't go. We can still see each other.
THERESA: You will not come to my country even when I do everything to make it possible for us to be together. I must draw my conclusions. Goodbye Martin.
MARTIN: But I think I...
Footsteps receding.
MARTIN:...love you.
xxxx
Gertie flight deck
CAROLYN: What! You foolish, foolish boy. She offered you a job, a real job with a salary -
ARTHUR: -and a castle!
CAROLYN: And you turned her down. Douglas. Tell him. This will not do.
DOUGLAS: Martin. This will not do. Did that do?
MARTIN: But if I go, you'll all be out of jobs.
CAROLYN: And that is our problem, not yours. Oh Martin, this is one gift horse you shouldn't check the mouth of.
DOUGLAS: I assume Martin had, in fact, checked some time after the third date.
MARTIN: Douglas!
DOUGLAS: Sorry. Oh, wait. No, I'm not.
ARTHUR: I've seen a few gift cards but never a gift horse. And how do you redeem them anyway?
DOUGLAS: Martin. The solution, as always, is really rather obvious. Theresa wants a man with a plane. MJN Air wants a princess with cold hard cash. Theresa presumably would on occasion like to fly to places further away than, say, here. Yet there is, I fear, only one Martin Crieff.
CAROLYN: The alternative is too terrible to contemplate.
DOUGLAS: Which means that Theresa will need a minimum of two men with a plane.
CAROLYN: And sometimes, no doubt, she would like a cup of coffee.
MARTIN: Ah. I think I see...
ARTHUR: And if you can swing it for us, we can rename the firm. Martin's Jolly Nice.
MARTIN: Douglas. Stop. It won't work.
DOUGLAS: It will.
MARTIN: No, it won't. I suggested it myself when she first proposed the idea. They already have people lined up to cover for long haul.
Silence.
ARTHUR: This isn't very good, is it? Martin's lost his girlfriend and his chance for a new job, and we've lost his girlfriend and the chance to keep glueing bits back on Gertie.
DOUGLAS: There'll be other contracts, Carolyn.
CAROLYN: Maybe not, Douglas. Honestly I'm amazed how long we kept this one given Martin's usual abysmal bad luck.
MARTIN: Well, don't worry, because my bad luck is now well and truly back. She's gone and there's nothing I can do. (Brokenly). I just wanted to talk to her. Tell her... Something. But I've got nothing, what have I got. I've only got me.
CAROLYN: (Less than convincingly.) Yourself is the best gift you could give her.
DOUGLAS: Yes, or...
(Pause and unzip of bag.)
DOUGLAS: Or you could show her this.
Stunned silence.
MARTIN: Douglas, you shouldn't have.
DOUGLAS: Oh. It was nothing.
MARTIN: No, I mean you really shouldn't have. That's my personal mail!
CAROLYN: Martin! Never mind that now - just go after her!
xxxx
Outside. Airfield noises as before. Sound of running feet.
MARTIN: Theresa. Wait. I'm sorry.
THERESA: (tearfully). Not as sorry as I am. I thought we had something special.
MARTIN: we did! we do! Theresa, I - I love you.
THERESA:...Yes...?
MARTIN: And I want to show you...this.
(Sound of opening paper.)
THERESA: Martin! It's wonderful! -is it real?
MARTIN: I don't think Swiss Air are in the habit of sending out prank job offers.
THERESA: But...what's this? Martin, I don't understand. This letter is for First Officer Crieff.
MARTIN: Yes.
THERESA: But you are a captain!
MARTIN: Well... You know. Zurich is closer to Vaduz. And it'll be really... good ...experience to work in a bigger team.
THERESA: You would give up your captain's stripes for me?
MARTIN: Yes.
THERESA: Oh Martin! -Don't just stand there, kiss me!
MARTIN: Everyone's watching. Again. I'm all - self conscious.
THERESA: Martin. (whispers). I love you. (Ordinary voice.) How about now?
MARTIN: Let them watch!
xxxx
Gertie again. Cabin, at Fitton.
MARTIN: Well, this is it.
DOUGLAS: Yes, this is probably it. It's been ... an experience working with you Martin.
MARTIN: Thanks Douglas. I'm going to miss you too.
ARTHUR: Oh Skip!
MARTIN: And you Arthur. And I'm sorry. I know you can't afford a second pilot Carolyn. But you did tell me to go for it. Didn't you?
CAROLYN: I certainly did.
DOUGLAS: Not to worry. Although flying for MJN air has been an unforgettable experience, I intend to spend my handsome redundancy package trying.
CAROLYN: Redundancy? Who said anything about redundancy?
DOUGLAS: Well - Martin's right, you can't afford to pay a second pilot, and so I naturally assumed -
CAROLYN: You assumed wrong.
MARTIN: Oh Carolyn. You haven't persuaded some other poor sap to come and work here for a pittance. because it really isn't fair.
CAROLYN: Indeed not. He'll work for free. Herc!
(aircraft door opening)
CAROLYN: Here he is, fresh from his own redundancy meeting, yearning to fly and fit to do so. Aren't you Herc?
HERC: Fit as a fiddler.
DOUGLAS: You mean fiddle.
HERC: You would know.
DOUGLAS: Oh God no. Really Carolyn?
CAROLYN: Yes really.
DOUGLAS: Carolyn, I'm sorry. I just don't think I can bear to play second fiddle to Herc. Martin was one thing, but Herc!
HERC: I'm here to help stop you fiddling at all, Dougie.
DOUGLAS: And that's why. No, Carolyn, I must protest. And if necessary, I must resign.
CAROLYN: No, Douglas, you must not. Because every plane needs a captain, does it not?
DOUGLAS: Oh.
MARTIN: (to Herc) - You would give up your -your captain's stripes for her?
HERC: Why not? You did. Love's not only for the young, dear boy.
CAROLYN: Herc. Put me down. This is not dignified.
DOUGLAS: Well... in that case...thank you, Carolyn. And thank you, Martin and Arthur. It's been wonderful. And I suppose that means I can now put this back on...
(Rustle as he removes something from his pocket.)
CAROLYN: Your captain's wings.
MARTIN: Mine actually. It's a bit of a long story.
CAROLYN: You just happened to have those, did you? In case I promoted you?
DOUGLAS: As it happens – yes. It was inevitable.
MARTIN: It was, Carolyn. But Douglas – it's funny – but you don't look any more like a captain now, than you did when – before.
DOUGLAS: I've already told you Martin – it's not the captain's wings, it's the man who wears them.
MARTIN: Yes. Yes, I suppose it is.
ARTHUR: Hurrah for MJN. Can we change its name now - we can call it Mum's Brilliant Jet Where Brilliant Things Happen? MBJWBTH Air!
ALL: Arthur!