A little something I wrote a few years ago, thought I'd finally share it. Inspired by the Darren Hayes song of the same name, and written to a playlist of Hoobastank and Staind. Recently re-worked and then edited again by my wonderful beta 'Seiftis-forevs-47'
Disclaimer: Characters belong to S Meyer, this is a work of fiction, real life facts may be altered to fit the story.
Unlovable
Chapter one
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?
Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my sex, my joy I would
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication
In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you
If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few
Stages of acceptance that it's really over
It's just so complicated and I'm stupid for believing in you
You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
(Darren Hayes)
Bella's POV
I was, for want of a better word, devastated. I had basically just had my heart handed to me in a colander. I had the chopped up pieces all dried up and lifeless staring me in the face and I needed to get away from the pain. The realization that my life was over at the grand old age of sixteen hit me hard. I wondered briefly if it's just myself that has this unmitigated bad luck with all the men in 'my' life or are all men lying cheating, manipulative lowlifes? I have had two boyfriends so far and they had both done everything they could to completely spiflicate my most vital organ. So I may be an over sensitive teenager, but did that mean that I was any less deserving of having a little respect for my feelings? Or was it really okay for them to rip my feelings to pieces with no mercy? Was life really that mean or was it really just my life?
I knew that I could possibly be partly to blame, I'd been the one who agreed to go out with them and maybe the signs had been there, I'd just negated in my naivety to see them for what they really were. Now I was hit with the realization that I'd end up as the local cat lady of Forks, unlovable and unwanted. My first boyfriend Eric, was the first to thoroughly chop up my heart and my self esteem and no one but the two of us knew the truth about why we broke up. I was the only one that knew that the guy who took my virginity at fourteen was actually gay. I had been way too young and too emotional, it was the biggest blow to my self esteem imaginable. Which again could be part of the reason I'd eventually succumbed to the advances of the dominant overly sexual quarterback.
Now here I was, having run straight from school and I was tired from running all the way to the row of stores in the center of town. The place everyone hung out, the old town hall was sectioned off into lots of small business', from fashion and jewelry, to a tattoo shop. There were a few weeks until the end of the of the school year but most of the high school seniors had left already. I passed several of them as I ran through the building, I rounded the corner heading down the stairs to the basement, for the tiny dress store so I could hide in the changing room until I finally died. As I rounded the final corner I saw Jasper Whitlock sat in his usual position on the ash-can just outside the tiny coffee shop. I saw his bright blue eyes widen when he saw me, I shook my head at him and ran straight passed without speaking. Finally I made it, I threw myself through the curtains of the changing room and into the corner out of sight and I finally allowed the tears I'd been fighting back to fall freely.
I sat on the floor with my back against the changing room mirror, pulled my knees up and rested my head on my knees. With my arms wrapped around my legs I sobbed at my own stupidity for going out with Mike in the first place. I couldn't really regret our time together, Mike had introduced me to some seemingly nice people in his senior classes. People who actually spoke to me instead of treating me like just another silly school girl, like most of the girls my age were normally treated, or at least they seemed to be.
I felt a warm body sit next to me and an arm move around my shoulders, I froze for a second before I looked up to see Jasper sat next to me, holding me close to himself. Jasper was one of the best looking guys in the whole of Forks, all the girls wanted him, he was tall, blond, sexy, nineteen and totally gorgeous. He had bright blue eyes that sparkled with mischief and the most amazing smile, along with what was possibly the most prominent dimples I'd ever seen, I couldn't exactly call us friends but we did talk, that was more than he did with any of the other girls my age. He was a major hottie, despite his demeanor, his black clothes and spiky hair, he was a really nice guy, once he let you see through the strong, silent, tough guy persona. He was one of the few people who actually made me think there were actually men out there that were nice guys. Or at the very least, could be nice.
"Hey, Bella, what's happened?" He asked quietly so that no one else would hear. I sniffed and shook my head as I put my face back on my knees. "Tell me and don't say nothing again, some asshole has upset you, so tell me, what has happened?" He insisted.
I sniffed again and wiped the still flowing tears from my face, "I... I..." I tried to say but I kept hiccuping, I took a few deep breaths and tried again. "I-I just f-found out about all the lies M-mike has been telling everyone about m-me." I eventually choked out.
"What sort of lies?" He asked, with an edge to his voice.
I shrugged. "L-load's from what I can t-tell, but generally telling everyone what a h-horrible person I am." I tried to explain, then something occurred to me, "which is weird as he's always telling m-me what horrible people his friends are." I said, wiping away the last of my tears. Jasper looked at me sheepishly, "damn, w-what did he say to you?" I asked, was there anyone that Mike hadn't spoken to? It felt even more humiliating with it being Jasper.
"Well, he didn't speak to me, I just happened to overhear him say that someone was a total slut for a sixteen year old and they were always lying about his friends, I never imagined he was talking about you." Jasper said.
A sob escaped my lips, "You.. you don't believe that do you?" I asked and I could feel my lip quivering at the horror of Jasper thinking that of me.
"Well, it doesn't sound anything like you to me and if I'd known that he was talking about you, I would have ripped him a new asshole there and then. But then if he's telling everyone that you're not a nice person and he's telling you that his friends are no better, what's he doing hanging with any of us?" He asked angrily. "Not that he hangs out with me, I can't stand the fucker personally." He mock whispered.
"I don't know, what would be the point of turning us against each other?" I asked as confused as ever.
"Well he obviously doesn't want to lose his friends and for all the things he's been saying about you, he still wants to be with you. So maybe it's his sick way of stopping anyone from trying to take you off him? And to stop you going off with any of his friends." He suggested. "That's fucked up, but I suppose it makes sense to him, but one minute he's calling you a slut the next he's saying you won't sleep with him at all, makes no fucking sense at all." Jasper said frowning.
"Exactly, but they all believe him, because I've only been here for two years and he's been here forever." I said sadly. "But I guess that the not sleeping with him might have a small amount of truth in it." I said sheepishly.
"That's understandable, he's a dick, if I were you, I wouldn't sleep with him either." He said grinning, showing me those amazing dimples, finally I smiled back at him, I couldn't help myself, I was a victim of the dimples and compelled to smile at the sight of them. "That's better, that smile of yours lights up the place." He said, making me blush, "so if he's your boyfriend, why won't you sleep with him?" He asked, I ducked my head embarrassed and bit my bottom lip. "What?" He asked.
"It's embarrassing." I admitted, wondering vaguely how I could avoid talking about this subject with him.
"Come on, you can tell your uncle Jazz." He coaxed, pulling me tighter against his side. In all honesty we had never been this close before, or even talked about personal stuff. For some reason though and maybe foolishly I did feel like I could trust him, I always had, more so than even Mike.
"I can't Jazz." I admitted a little grudgingly, not knowing how to explain myself.
"Can't what?" He asked, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion.
"I can't have sex with him." I whispered without looking at him as my face heated to a molten level.
"Why not? Wait is it because you're underage?" He asked in a whisper.
I wrapped my hands over my scarlet face and shook my head, "no, it's because it hurts." I whisper-blurted.
"What?"
"I'm not saying it again Jazz." I said almost whimpering in my embarrassment.
"It's not supposed to hurt Bella, so how many times have you... you know, done it, was it your first time?"
Oh god... "No... we've been together for like eight months, so four times and it hurts more each time." I said into my knees, wondering why I felt that I could talk like this to a guy, especially one I'd always had a bit of a crush on.
"Fuck! That doesn't sound good." He said, "He's not shoving it up your ass by mistake or something is he?" He asked.
I groaned and shoved his shoulder, "No of course not, probably just too tight or something." I offered and I'd swear that he groaned.
"Well you should dump his sorry ass, he must think a lot of you, I mean there's over two years between your ages. Yet he's going to a lot of trouble to hang on to you, I think you should find someone who knows how to fuck a girl properly." He said getting up and pulling me with him. "He certainly doesn't deserve your tears, come on." He said grabbing my hand and pulling me into the small coffee shop. "So I take it you have seen him today?" He asked.
"No, he's supposed to be meeting me at the diner at four." I said.
"Well I hope you are going to dump him, you can do so much better than that asshole." He said, ordering us two cappuccinos.
"Thanks, though I think I'll give up on guys altogether." I said, thinking that was probably the safest thing for me.
"What? Are you gonna start dating chicks?" He asked his face full of excitement.
"Oh my god, no I'm not." I said rolling my eyes at him, "No need to get so excited." I warned, trying not to laugh, but relieved at the change of mood.
"Fuck I'd pay good money to watch you with another girl." He admitted with a smirk. If I had been capable of blushing anymore I would have but I was sure I was already a dark shade of carmine from head to toe by now.
"Jazz." I complained but was unable to hide my smile.
"Just sayin." He said grinning. Somehow Jasper had managed to do the impossible, albeit for just a few moments, he had taken my mind of my problems and I felt just a little bit less lonely.