These charas do not belong to me no da, and if you do not know that, you are a very sad person. I realize how very wrong this is and I am sorry. FAIR WARNING: There is nothing graphic, but a tonne of inuendo, obligatory yaoi, and rather rauchy dialogue, blah blah blah. Iif you read this fic despite being warned, I am not responsible for years of therapy coming undone. So there.
blasphemy!
By Fala Tzipori
The Sorcerer Hunters were fecking around the Stellar Church one day, their eyeballs keenly glued to the television screen, watching SORCERER HUNTERS, when they heard a shriek.
Of course, they all lept up, and kinda floated' down the hall, seeing as they never seem to run in any remotely realistic fashion...
They came to Big Momma's room, the place from which the scream had filtered. Dotta was sitting at the computer, shaking in her chair.
What's the matter, Dotta? Gateau asked, Besides the fact that you are a wierd-looking dumpling-headed floozie?
Dotta just whimpered and extended one shaking index finger toward the computer screen. All five hunters crowded around to look. All, except Tira, leapt back in digust at what they saw. Tira adjusted her glasses, and squinted, looking more closely, and then leapt back in disgust at what she saw.
Chocolate moaned in her bratty, preppy, high-school-girlish voice, What is it?
Lemme see again, Carrot said, shoving Gateau out of his way, squinting at the picture on the screen, It appears to be a porno shot of that killer playboy bunny of a sorceress that came close to killing me in episode three. I shiver at her memory. What a horrid bitch she was. What a nasty, viscious heartless dixie she was. What a whorish, uggo, soul-consuming harpy she was. Dotta, save this on a disk and give it to me later.
Carrot was restrained by Tira and Chocolate, and despite his best sex-driven efforts, was unable to kug the computer.
Marron bent over Dotta and whispered in her ear, Dotta, why are you in a hentai fanart site?
Dotta shrugged, bobbing her head from shoulder to shoulder dumb blonde style', I dunno, it was in Momma's bookmarks.
Oh dear, Marron said, shaking his head tragically, Dotta, you shall surely have to repent much for this. But for now, click on the next link and give a us a thrill.
click
Gateau breathed.
Oneesama, I never knew you did that when you buggered off to be alone in the woods! Chocolate said, nudging her sister, who was struggling to sputter a denial, and not having much success.
Ooooh...I am never eating tempura eel again... Marron shuddered, looking about ready to puke.
Go to the next one before Marron whoopses his cookies, Carrot said, nudging Dotta as he wiped the drool from his chin.
click
OH DARLING!!! Chocolate glomped Carrot and there was a terrific squelching noise as his head was smushed against her chest.
Marron squinted and then looked away, hastily throwing his hands over his eyes...only to peek through the cracks of his fingers when no one was looking at him.
Gateau realeased a low whistle, Whew...I didn't know you had it in you Carrot...
It appears that Chocolate finally got what she wanted, Marron said, staring at the photo and smerking, among other things.
Yeah, since when do you own handcuffs, Carrot? Dotta asked, turning to Carrot who frowned.
I do NOT! He screeched angrily...then looked at Dotta's cutely curious face and softened, unable to keep his hentai grin from twitching at the corners of his mouth, But if you'd like to find out, Dotta... Carrot shut up when he saw Tira getting red with rage and the Big-Ass Mallet of Doom (tm) materializing in her hand.
click
Carrot screamed. This time, Marron did puke.
Is that Milphey?! Dotta said, squinting and bringing her face closer to the screen, but regretting doing so as she Medusafied' from the horror.
Tira frowned, and WHAT is he doing to Carrot?!
Someone call my name?
Everyone turned. The arse-pirate himself was standing in the doorway, looking pervishly curious.
They all screamed and ran to cover the computer screen. But Milphey shoved them all aside and squealed with delight. He leapt in an attempt to glomp Carrot, only succeeding in falling on his fem-face as the frightened boy leapt out of the way.
click
Holy crap, is that actually Big Momma? Milphey said, trying for disgusted monk', but getting intrigued gutter rat'.
Oh Gods... Tira muttered, I didn't know you could do that with a magic crystal...
Marron began, If it's a small, rounded crystal, Gateau and I found that- Marron cut himself off when he saw the incredulous looks of his team-mates all focused on him, and shyly continued, a slight blush creeping over his face, ...that...you can...only kill small, round sorcerers with it, of course...!
click
Oh. My. God. Carrot gagged and then died. Milphey was overcome with cuteness and little pink hearts floated around his head. Tira and Chocolate screamed and then got down on the floor to try to throttle Carrot back to life.
Is that me? Gateau said, looking at the screen. He nodded, Yes and that's Marron- wait...Is that really Marron???
Geez, Marron, Milphey laughed, playfully elbowing the little mage, So you're not short-bus after all! Coulda fooled me.
Marron just frowned in his typical impossibly stoic fashion, I see nothing funny about this. In fact I am truly disgusted. Ew. This is horrid. Oh god, I think I will have to sue the webmasters for this. Terrible, I say. Homosexuality is bad. It goes against God's wishes. Yuk Yuk. I think I am scarred for life. The trauma is terrible. Dotta I demand you leave this site now. But before you do, please enlarge this and print it out for me.
Everyone blinked and looked at Marron. Except Gateau. Being the physical' individual that he was, he glomped Marron instead, landing on the huge canopy bed, with the stunned mage secure in his arms.
The noise attracted the attention of Big Momma, who came bustling into the room, her hair full of curlers, her face covered with green gunk that smelled like cucumbers.
What are you doing in my room? How dare you enter the bed chambers of one who happens to be the closest to God? Big Momma demanded, gesturing grandly, Why is my daughter a stone statue? Why is Carrot looking rather dead? Why are Tira and Chocolate banging his head on the floor? Why are Marron and Gateau naked in my bed? Milphey, explain this to me, and kindly take your hand out of your pants before you do so.
Big Momma, Milphey said, doing as he was told and re-doing his drawstring, I think you have some explaining to do...This hentai fanart site was in your bookmarks.
Big Momma said, flushing under her mask of cucumber-crap, I would never ever ever ever commit such a sin. After all, I am the closest to God.
Aw, c'mon Big Momma, everyone has been naughty at least once in their lives! Gateau said breathlessly as he tore his lips away from Marron's, only to be pulled back down by the very aroused mage.
My dear Gateau, Big Momma said slowly, crossing her arms over her surprisingly well-sized chest, The one closest to God does not do naughty things.
Never? Not even mwwwfff! Marron slurred, only to be interrupted as Gateau descended onto him and locked his lips in a passionate kiss.
Dotta (Fala must've Mary-sued herself into the story only long enough to hit the De-Medusa switch and freed the poor bugger from her stony prison) looked up at Big momma, frowning, Not ever?
Don't tell me you've never looked at dirty books, Big Momma, Tira said. The goddess shook her head.
You mean you've never put your hand down your boyfriend's shirt and groped at him like a drowning monkey? Chocolate asked.
Again, Momma shook her head.
Carrot, somehow reaurrected, looked up, Never played mop-the-floor-with-your-back' as an excuse to look up people's skirts?
Never...Ung!!! said...whmmmph... Gateau gasped trying to maintain his position as Marron tried to gain access to the top. He whispered frantically to the mage, Marron, you are a mare and I am a bull! I am on top, dammit! You obviously haven't been reading the Kama Sutra right. Work on that, ne?
Again, more denial from Big Momma,
Never worn a tiny, way-too-tight minidress that shows off your sizable chest and your very lovely legs, and also happens to make people wonder wether on not you do in fact wear underwear? Dotta squeaked.
Never snuck out of church to go do graffiti on the walls outside? Milphey asked, poking his head in the doorway, shaking a can of spray paint behind his back.
Marron grunted, finally winning his rightful place on top of Gateau before turning to Big Momma, Never licked chocolate syrup off your lover's stomach?
Silence. Everyone stared at Marron, who then succeeded in drowning Gateau with a big-ass sweatdrop. Blushing and looking for all the world like a very odd pink care-bear, Marron drew shut the drapes of the canopy bed and continued his...um...work.
Well, don't leave me outta this! Milphey whined. Everyone fell over in horror as Milphey stripped off his clothing and leapt into the bed with Marron and Gateau, squealing, Daddy, I wanna ride the pony!
Big Momma grabbed Dotta by the scruff of the neck, And you! You have earned yourself a five-minute time-out, young lady! Buggering around in dirty sites like that! As for the rest of you, I've just made some tempura eel sushi for your dinner, and afterwards, we really must discuss these new magic crystals I have recieved from the Haz Knights. Then my before-bed tea with whipped cream and maybe a donut. Yum. Anyhoo, please come (cum?) down soon. If even if you all suck as people, you're still on top as Sorcerer Hunters, so you're good enough for me.
~FIN!~