So I had a random thought while trying to write a story I've been working on, and I thought it would be funny to write a stupid humor fanfic about Margulis. Poking fun at Margulis, I wanted to write a story about what if 'Lord Heinlein' wasn't quite all there, leaving Margulis at his mercy. Beware of major stupid humor, and Margulis abuse. Enjoy :).
Ormus Stronghold, Grand Chapel
Chief Inquisitor Margulis, marches down from the eerie halls of the Ormus Stronghold. The middle aged, stern man with chronic resting bitch face, walks through the doors of the grand chapel with a scowl pass the U-TIC guards. The two guards produced audible gulps from their throats, quivering in their boots as the Chief Inquisitor past them. Margulis relished in their fear, their fear a sign of reverence for their leader. A leader who did not have time for weak willed fools. He demanded obedience and respect, as insolence and incompetence among his soldiers was never tolerated. It was the kind of respect he blindly gave to the great Ormus Patriarch, Lord Heinlein.
The door swooshes behind him upon entering the chapel, the man walks forward to the altar bending a knee in worship. The smell of incense lingers around the grand chapel, a beautiful scent of divinity floating around him, filling him with his holy presence. He needed reassurance, of what he was doing was right. No, he would correct, he was not a doubting Thomas. He was not questioning his goal of reaching Lost Jerusalem. Chief Inquisitor Margulis was a man of strong faith, devoted to the teachings of GOD, devoted to the new Ormus Patriarch as a soldier of GOD. But...he had his doubts about his Eminence's orders. To the devoted follower, the soldier of GOD, there was something not quite right.
He meditates in his kneeling position on the ground, a troubled mind hidden by a calm demeanor. His mental prayers reaching out to the great Patriarch, one he thought was a living angel himself as the Ormus Patriarch emerged before him. Well in his usual way of showing himself to Margulis anyway.
Now that he thought about it, he never really saw Lord Heinlein in the flesh. The Ormus Patriarch, from what became an almost daily occurrence, had a flashy way of appearing before his minions like a beacon of light. As if he emerged from the heavens to greet down the lowly sinner with the biblical truth. Seriously, you could guide lost ships with how bright the white light was!
Margulis didn't dare look up at the white light without the Patriarch calling forth to him, the man even hesitating to speak before his Eminence even gave greetings.
"Your Eminence, hear me, for I seek your wisdom and guidance," Margulis spoke in an unwavering tone. Lord Heinlein paused, strangely not saying anything at first before he answers, "Yo! What's up, ho?!" The answer he got from the Patriarch came in the voice of a younger man imitating a gangster.
"Um, your Eminence?" Margulis gets the courage to look up at the Ormus Patriarch with confusion. He stares up at his leader noting his usual appearance. A pretty, and ever still blinding light as always. But why did he sound like he was trying to do impressions?
"That's not what he sounds like, dumbass!" A second, and vexed, tenor shoves the first voice on the shoulder.
"What? Well what does he sound like?" The first voice asked in a sarcastic tone.
"Give me that! He sounds like this," The tenor snatches the microphone from his...colleague, and clears his throat as he speaks. Margulis' face continues to look up at the talking white light with bewilderment until Lord Heinlein shouts out again.
"Why do you call me, Margulis? I did not tell you to report to me!" The tenor bellowed in the tone similar to a nasally man who got punched in the nose. Margulis restrained himself from gawking at the new voice.
"Ha! Yours sounds worse than his," cackled a raspy voice.
"Hey, I'm trying here! If you don't like it, you try it, newbie!" Said the offended tenor, who shoved the microphone in the new guy's face.
"Gentlemen, this would make it easier if you fools would use the voice modifier like last time," whispered a very deep ominous voice in the background. The sources of the other three voices were silent in embarrassment, until the raspy voice took the voice modifier from the spooky one.
"Yes, Margulis! Why have you call for me, lowly mortal! Oh my GOD, this is awesome. MAWHAHAHA," the raspy voice breaks character to cackle from behind the shining white light.
"Forgive me, your eminence. I seek your wisdom and guidance once more," The confused Margulis replied while flinching at the unsettling and oddly familiar cackle.
"What guidance do you seek?" The newbie asks, giving his best performance. Margulis lowers his head before replying, "Your Eminence, I have my doubts. I know your leadership is the voice of GOD, your wise words come from many years of wisdom, but...but why...why did you order me to," Margulis' voice wavered as he felt uncomfortable relating what he had done.
"Yes, I know, I am a magnificent bastard. So, uh, what's up?" the raspy voice asked.
"Wh-wh-why...why did I need to...'moon' Jin Uzuki?"
Lord Heinlein was silent as he looked over at one of the particular voices and whispered, "Really, Red? Really?"
"That will teach him not to set up Shion on speed dates," whispered the tenor in triumph. The three other voices shook their heads with shame before the raspy voice replied, "Yes, uhhhhhh that. Excellent! You have, uh, proven your devotion to the cause!"
"The cause, your Eminence?" Margulis echoed back.
"Yes! Margulis, you have furthered our goal of sticking it to those heretics! We will not stand by as their actions towards Ormus go on unchallenged, your...mooning of a Federation agent, is a sign of patriotism to the Holy Order."
"Um, thank you...your Eminence," Margulis sighed with a sweat drop the size of a peach forming on his head.
"Speaking of 'Eminence', Margulis, I have a new order for you." Lord Heinlein said with a cheeky grin.
"What is your order, your Emine-"Ah! See! That, that is what I wanted to talk to you about. You know how you always call me 'Your Eminence'? I think I have grown tired of this title."
"What are you saying, sir?" Margulis cried. Did he want to resign as the Patriarch of Ormus? He couldn't! Not after all they've done!
"No-no, nothing drastic. I want to be addressed by a better title. The whole, Eminence, thing is getting kind of overrated." Lord Heinlein pauses before he replies back in his modified voice.
"Margulis, I order you to now address me as, 'THE GREAT ALBINO'!"
"The, the what?" Margulis was speechless as he looked up at Lord Heinlein. "Yesssssss, I think this title suits me better. Let it be known to the Ormus fleet, all shall address me as the Great Albino, and you shall curtsy to me every time you see me!" The raspy voice lets out an annoying dramatic cackle as the other three voices stare at him as if he was the new king of dumbasses.
"Lord Heinlein, why do you wish to be call the-"Are YOU questioning MY ORDERS?"
"NO, GREAT ALBINO!" Margulis replies in a panic, dropping into a royal curtsy in his purple kimono (at least I think it is a kimono).
"Wonderful! Tremble in fear, mortals. For the Great Albino rules you all! All hail the Great Albino! Muwhahahahahaha! Now as 'The Great Albino', I now order you to-OW! What the fuck, Erich!"
"Quit hogging the microphone, newbie. It is my turn to speak," commanded the spooky voice. He snatches the microphone and voice modifier from the raspy voice, leaving raspy voice to mutter in disappointment.
"Pardon me, I just get so giddy when I boss people around. Now since I am here, I have a new mission for you, Chief Inquisitor."
"But Great Albino, I still wish to speak with you about my doubts and-"
"Silence!" Shouted Lord Heinlein. Margulis curtsy lower to the floor as he possibly could. "I trust you and your men can fulfill this mission to satisfaction. Your next order is...to dress up your men in Sailor MOMO uniforms, capture Ziggurat 8, and beat him with frying pans!" Ordered the spooky voice.
Margulis cries out in disbelief. His Eminence, I mean the Great Albino, wanted him to order his men to cross dress...for the fifth time that month. Just what the hell was going on with this guy?! He was getting tired of having to wear frilly pink dresses every Thursday. It also was starting to concern him that some of his men were starting to enjoy dressing up in sailor scout uniforms.
"Okay, Erich, I think we need to have a serious talk about your creepy dress fetish. You keep giving this weird order every time we do this," The tenor voice interrupts.
"Let me have this! Please?!" The spooky voice pleaded.
"No!"
"Pllleeeaaassseee, just this LAST time?"
"...Urgh, fine."
"Yay! Margulis, prepare your troops, 'Operation Surprise Spanking' shall commence!" The spooky voiced 'Lord Heinlein' ordered in a tone that was WAY more excited than it should be.
"Yes Great Albino..." Margulis frowned. He signaled his two guards watching the door, gawking back at the two when he realized they were already dress up in their Sailor MOMO uniforms. Frying pans already strapped to their backs, Margulis groaned in defeat ordering his men to find the cyborg, then telling the two men to bring proof of their encounter later to show Lord Heinlein.
"At least he's not ordering them to spank the cyborg with paddles this time." The first voice replied behind the tenor. Margulis picks up the voice as he spoke a little too loudly for the Chief Inquisitor to hear. The incredulous man glared up at the white light with suspicion as the voices snorted and giggled amongst themselves. He stands up in defiance and shouts,
"Great Albino, forgive me, for I have my doubts."
"Oh," The first voice takes the microphone and quickly replies. Margulis clinches his fists and glares at the Patriarch with defiance. The man points an accusatory finger at Lord Heinlein shouting, "Your orders, Lord Heinlein are ludicrous and perverted. I fear I may have been deceived by an imposter...or at least a sexual deviant. Just who are you, 'Lord Heinlein'?"
The four voices did not appear to be worried about being caught by the Chief Inquisitor, knowing he would find out eventually he was being played. Yet, the four voices doubled down, deciding to still mess with the man. "I think I should apologize, Margulis." The Chief Inquisitor was briefly taken back by the Patriarch's words.
"I indeed have someone here with me. I was talking to my-uh, lover. Yes! I was talking to Erich, my lover."
"Ha! You wish you could get this," the spooky voice replied in a fake flirtatious tone.
"Ewww, I mean, yum," the first voice gives the microphone to the tenor. The first voice wandering over to another end of the office to hurl.
"Yes, forgive him, he has partaken in Pellegri's pot brownies from the Ormus pot luck yesterday. They are very, potent, as you can hear. He is not quite himself," the tenor version of Lord Heinlein explained. Margulis at first was livid, how dare he not tell him about this Erich?! The man thought they were besties (cue manly crying). As for the pot brownie...he was pretty forgiving of that. Pellegri knew how to make a great batch of pot brownies for any 'pot' luck. In fact, Margulis was high still from yesterday's pot luck!
"Yes, I understand, your grace. Pellegri makes a spectacular desserts for those events. Forgive me for doubting you." Margulis replied with sadness. The tenor uses this opening to sneak the microphone away from the other voices to command Margulis again.
"Indeed, they are amazing. Now Margulis, report to me what has been going on today." Commanded the tenor voice. Margulis swallows his sorrow before he speaks.
"Yes, Great Albino! Today our Ormus soldiers will be capturing the cyborg Ziggurat 8 for Operation Surprised Spanking as requested. Before that, I successfully video chatted with one of the Federation Spies called Jin Uzuki. I have successfully told him to go fuck himself and his colleagues, then mooned him after telling him to kiss my ass."
"Excellllllleeennnnt," grinned the mischievous tenor voice. "Have you also completed Operation Allen as well?"
"Not yet, Great Albino. The target, 'Allen Ridgeley', is surprisingly very difficult to eliminate. Every time we try to kill him, he either gets saved by Helmer's dogs, or happens to be around some woman name Shion." Lord Heinlein growls at the Chief Inquisitor's failure until Margulis adds,
"One of our KillBot4000 androids did manage to pants him as he was running away from the battle. Our KillBot4000 spied on him further to watch him and the son of Mr. Guignan Kukai fall through the roof of a women's bathhouse. The android managed to record them being beaten by several old women before police apprehended him." Margulis pulls the surveillance video from his phone, the video showing a screaming half naked Allen and a soaked Jr. covering their heads as several old ladies attacked them with towels, shampoo bottles, and canes.
If the sources of Heinlein were physically alive, all of them probably would have died from laughter by now watching the video. The four cloaked men poorly restrained their laughter from the other side of the glowing white light.
"Oh my U-DO, this is perfect!" The tenor bursts out in between his laughter.
"Hey, Red, give me a turn." chuckled the first voice.
"Shut up, I got something going on here-"Ow! Dumbass, you're on my foot!"
"Well move, fucker! I never got a turn!" growled the older voice.
"Um, guys. I think he's back," warned the raspy voice.
"Not now, newbie," Snipped the tenor.
"Um guys..."
"Shut up, newbie," replied the first voice.
"But dude, he-he's..."
"NOT NOW, NEWBIE! As I was saying, Margulis, I want you to write this down. I have a devious plan how to take down this elusive Allen. First you must...um...oh, sir...you're back early. How was the meeting?" The voice asked in a trembling fashion. The silent voice glares at his subordinates with scarlet cheeks, the air around them turning cold as one of the subordinates surrenders the microphone to their master. "...you want a turn?"
Margulis silently awaits Lord Heinlein to come to his senses again as he hears the screams of grown men being savagely beaten by an unknown entity.
"Your eminence...?" Margulis gawks at the display of various lights coming from the divine white light. It looked like something he imagine heretics would dance to at raves. The screams for help paired with the multicolored light show were also quite lovely, even if he wasn't sure what was wrong with Lord Heinlein. The man stared at the light show with child-like wonder, but wondered if he was more high from Pellegri's pot brownies than he originally thought. He was way to calm for this moment. After the pretty light show ends, and the sounds of screaming ceased, the light turns back to a white light with the voice clearing his throat as he sat back down.
"Margulis," Lord Heinlein (the real one) calmly spoke.
"Um, yes...your eminence?" Margulis replies with caution.
"Please disregard my last orders from before. I believe I may have taken ill from too many 'pot brownies'."
"Of-of course sir," Margulis nods from his kneeling position on the ground. The high Chief Inquisitor himself could not come up with an argument to explain what he heard or seen that moment with his beloved Patriarch.
"I-I must say, sir, your ability to throw your voice into different impressions is quite a talent." Margulis remarked with hope his leader would explain this strange occurrence. An explanation that would never come. The voice of a slender figure smiles. "Yes, I try to give quite a performance." The source of the latest Lord Heinlein voice crosses his legs as he sits on top of the pile of scorched Testaments. The voice lightly chuckles, "Some might say I know how to bring down the house."
I know Margulis as a character isn't this gullible, but I thought it would be funny for a serious character like him to be put in this situation. If anyone has any ideas of what else I could write, let me know. I love to have some inspiration for new stories. Until then, stay tuned for more stories! -insert evil laughter-