Authors: Penny & Gill, Jr.
E-mail addresses: Beanie5817@Aol.com (Penny), MmentMori@aol.com (Gill, Jr.)
Rating: PG-13 (Some cussing)
Category: SH
Spoilers: Tunguska/Terma, Never Again, Anasazi
Keywords: Humor
Summary: Two girls get interrogated by a cigarrette smoking man about
certain events that have occurred.
Disclaimer: As much as we love 'em, they're not ours. Yes, Fox,
you heard us right! Cigarrette Smoking Man, Skinner,
Mulder, Scully, and Krycek belong to CC and Co.,
1013 Productions, and of course, Fox. (Please don't
sue us! We don't have any money, anyway...) He he
he. :)
Authors' Notes: Hey guys, PLEASE e-mail us! We have nothing to
do, and we're bored to death. Your e-mail would be
greatly appreciated by us. Please read and reply.
:) Enjoy!
Much Ado About Mangos
By Gill, Jr. and Penny
Bright colored lights fill the night sky, small objects move in a constant
circular motion, the sounds of people
talking can be heard in the night air. It is the sounds of a city carnival.
Children laugh, adults smile, and vendors
can be heard all around. Many people are busy having fun, and don't bother to
notice three shadowy figures, standing
on the other side of a circus tent. One appears tall and lanky, but the
other two are a bit shorter. One of them, the one of middle height, speaks.
"Could you put that out?" "Not until you tell me what you know."
"All right! Don't get pushy! I remember it like it was just yesterday..."
"It was just yesterday." said the tall figure.
"Do you want me to tell the story or not?" The man sighed. "Go on."
"OK..." Said the middle hight figure, "so the day before yesterday, I walk
into the kitchen, and...Hey! Everything's getting all blurry!"
"Not to worry," The tall man said, "You're just going into one of those
flashback sequences."
"Oh..." said the shortest figure, speaking for the first time.
"When I walked into my kitchen the day before yesterday, I could tell that
something was up. My mother smiled at me and did the
typical "good morning routine" and headed straight for the phone. She punched
a few numbers, waited a few seconds, and then said:
'Hello. May I please speak to Walter Skinner?' "
"I eyed her suspiciously, but she didn't seem to notice. A few seconds passed
before she finally said:
'Hello Walter. This is Kathy...Nice to hear from you too...Yes, yes... Well,
to the point, Walter, I hate to impose,
but as you know, 'take your daughter to work day' is coming up...'
As soon as she said this I slammed my head against the table. I knew what
was up. My mother, being the female rights activist that she is, always makes
myself, and my best friend, Melissa Jordan,
tag along with one of her friends for that day."
'Why don't we go with my father?' I ask, 'He claims to be so busy that he
cant bother with us.' "And you know how bitter I feel about that..."
"No, I don't." The tall man said. "Well, I feel Bitter...bitter BITTER!"
"Thanks for clearing that up," He replied. Marie continues.
"So she waits awhile and then goes
'You can? You can take them? Thank you so much Walter. They're very well
behaved children.'
"And we are. So she goes and launches into a story about one of my many
accomplishments
and I sit there and absolutely DIE! I'm furious, but too well behaved to
raise a stink about it. When she gets off the phone with
"Walter" , she calls Melissa's mom and they're both so happy about it...it
made me sick. I can only thank God that Melissa is still my friend
after all the stuff I've gotten her into.
"And I always will be." Said the smallest of the three figures.
"I think all my friends are dead..." The man pondered. Marie continues again.
"So mom acts all excited and tells me what an honor it is to spend the day
with him, and that I need to be on my best behavior...yadda yadda yadda. Then,
she takes me shopping and buys me this dress. I'm still sick, but it'll get me
out of school tomorrow, so I don't make that big of a fuss out of it. When I
finally
ask her how she knew this guy she tells me that he was 'a friend of her's in
high school' ...an old flame. It was then that I knew tomorrow was
going to be a long day. "Was it?" The man asked.
"Hey! Don't get ahead of me here..." "Continue."
"So I get up extra early that morning. I take a shower, get in the
dress...well, actually it was more like a suit...but anyway I look pretty
professional, if I don't say so myself.
I eat breakfast, get in the car, and my mother and I go to pick up Melissa.
We get to her house and she's wearing some dress pants and a blouse; we look
pretty professional.
And then, we're on our way...That was the boring part. Why don't you tell
the nice man what you remember, Melissa?"
"I think I will," Melissa Jordan told her friend Marie Shannon.
"Well," started Melissa, "Once Marie's mom picked us up, we flew down the
streets to this building...I think it was the J. Edgar Hoover FBI Building, or
something." She looked over at Marie who nodded at her signaling to keep on
going.
"Anyway, when we got there, we took the elevator to the 7th floor. Marie,
and her mom and I walked into Skinner's office. He was sitting behind his
desk. He said: 'Ah. Hi Kathy! Great to see you!' , he extended his hand and
lightly shook Marie's mom's. Then, he looked at us. 'And you two must be her
children...right?' I spoke up.
'Actually, I'm her daughter's friend.' I said, pointing with my thumb to
Marie. 'My name's Melissa Jordan,' I said, reaching out my hand to shake his.
I let Marie introduce herself. I wasn't really paying attention, though. My
gaze was at the far corner of the man's office. I saw a glass table with an
ash tray on it near the man's desk. There were pictures in the office, too.
Pictures of the president, hugging...hey, was that Monica Lewinski?!?!"
"Was it?" asked the man smoking the Morelys.
"What do you think? Of course it was her!" Melissa said, getting annoyed at
the way this unknown person kept on interrupting their stories.
Melissa continued.
"There were also pictures of Janet Reno, the Pillsbury Doughboy,
Rupaul...everybody! I was worried...I was getting bored quickly. And I
didn't want to disappoint Marie's mom. But it was then that an object caught
my eye...it was a pair of black, lacy lingerie! It was just peaking out from
under Skinner's desk. At the back of the lingerie, it had one of those "I
belong to:" tags on it. I couldn't make out the name, though. I decided I'd
mention it to Marie later. She'd get a kick out of this!!"
"So who's underwear was it?" asked the tall man.
"I'm getting to it!! Sheez!" Melissa said, getting annoyed once again.
"Anyways," she said, "Marie's mother didn't stay long. She left right after
I had spotted the underwear. She had reminded us to be good, and we assured
her we would." "We always are!" Marie interrupted. Melissa giggled.
The tall man said in an annoyed tone:
"Can we PLEASE continue on? I'm running out of Morlys!"
"Those things can kill you, sir."
"Whatever," said the smoker, sounding as if he didn't care.
"So just as Marie's mom left, the man, Skinner said that he had to interview
an agent...Alex Krycek. He asked us nicely if we could wait outside. So we
stepped outside. We said "hi" to the agent walking in Assistant Director
Skinner's office, and he just staired blankly at us..."
"Which was a very rude thing to do." Marie intrupted.
"I'm sure his mother is ashamed." said the man. Melissa continued.
"It was then that I knew I had to tell Marie about what I had seen."
'Marie!' I had whispered to her, 'Did you see something under Skinner's desk?'
'No?' she replied, in a questioning tone. 'Well, I did.' 'What is it?' asked
Marie. I started to giggle...I couldn't even help it! It was then that we
met two agents. They walked by and introduced themselvs, as Mulder and
Scully. We chatted for about 20 minutes and then they left. They were truly
nice people! After they left, I told Marie what the object I saw was. 'A
black pair of lingerie!!' Then, we both had the giggles. But we knew we had
to keep it down. 'Do you know who's it is?' asked Marie. 'No, but it has one
of those sewn-in name tags! We'll have to check it out later.' 'Hey...do you
think maybe we should tell Mulder and Scully about the underwear?' asked
Marie, still giggling. 'Yeah! But we have to find the right time...hey, how
about we catch them the next time we see them?' I asked. 'Okay.' said Marie,
finally gaining her composure.
10 minutes later, the agent walked out the door. Skinner was doing paperwork
at his desk the next time we saw Mulder and Scully. I called after them.
'Mulder? Scully? We have something to tell you...'
Scully and Mulder stopped in their tracks and started walking towards us.
'What's up?' asked Scully.
'Did you guys notice anything under Skinner's desk?' I asked.
'Uh...no.' said Mulder, 'Should we have?'
'Well, there was a pair of black lingerie on the floor!!' said Marie. Mulder
chuckled and Scully laughed a little, too.
'Oh, that's probably another one of Skinner's girlfriends!' Mulder said,
smiling. 'I don't think so...'I said. 'It looked too big to be a woman's...'
'What are you saying, Melissa? That the lingerie is Skinner's or something?'
Scully said, grinning.
'I'm saying that I don't know...but we have to find out!'
'Can you help us?' asked Marie. Mulder and Scully were both thinking the
same thing: 'This is too good...of course we can help!'
'Of course!' said Mulder with a mischievous grin. 'Skinner's busy now, so
why don't you guys hang around with us for awhile? Besides, we have nothing
to do!' So we agreed." "What happened next?" asked the man. Marie spoke up.
"Well, Scully went in Skinner's office to ask him if she and Mulder could
show us around the building. He nodded his head yes, but called after the
agents as they were about to leave. He told them that the agent that was
prevously in here had given him a can of the best tasting Mango juice that he
had ever drank, and he offered us a glass. Mulder and Scully agreed to take a
couple sips. Me and Melissa didn't have any, though."
"Why didn't you?" asked the man. "Well," Marie said, "I'm allergic to mango."
"And I just don't like it." Melissa said.
"I, myself, am quite fond of mango. Especially with a fresh salad, and some
ground up wallnuts." While Melissa jotted down the recipe,Marie continued.
"It was then that Mulder asked Skinner who the man that gave him the juice
was. Skinner looked at Mulder for a few moments and then told him that he
would know soon enough. Mulder looked puzzled for a moment and then, with a
cry, flew out the door." "What did you do next?" asked the man.
"We followed him. We ran out the door and took the back way to the basement
of the building. We got there seconds before Mulder did, and what happend
next was mighty odd." "What happened next?" the man asked.
"Will you stop getting ahead of me here?" Marie asked.
"Terribly sorry..." the man said in a mock innocence.
"Well, Mulder stormed in the room after us and looked at the person who now
sat at the desk opposite him. 'It's you!' Mulder boomed. Skinner rushed over
to Mulder, who was now face to face with a man known as Alex Krycek. 'Stop
that right now!' Skinner said. But Mulder refused to back down. 'You son-of-
a-bitch! You come in my father's house, you kill him, and then you eat all
his strawberry ice cream!' Krycek took a step back and cooly replied: 'I
don't know what you're talking about.' 'Yes you do, you son-of-a-bitch!!'
Mulder yelled.
'I don't even like ice cream! I may have killed your father, and secretly
worked for your enemies, and done countless sneaky things behind your back!
But I didn't eat any ice cream!' Krycek said.
'Yes you did!' Mulder cried, 'And you left the empty carton there! To mock
me! You son-of-a-BITCH!!!! 'If Mulder kills Krycek,' Scully asked Skinner,
'Can I have his desk? I still don't have a desk you know...' 'For the last
time!' Krycek yelled, 'I killed your father, endangered you and Scully with
the Black Cancer, betrayed you in the Russian prison! I lied to you more
times than I can remember, I betrayed your trust without even a second
thought, and when you were five years old, I pushed you down in a sandbox and
told you that your nose was ugly! Been there! Done that! But I didn't eat
your ice cream!'
The room was silent. A figure stepped out of the shadows. It was a cigarette
smoking man. 'Did I mention that I, myself, enjoy a nice cool bowl of
Strawberry ice cream on a hot summer's day, Agent Mulder?' he asked."
"Was that all the man said? What did he look like?" the shadowy man asked.
"We couldn't tell." Melissa said. "It was too dark."
"Such a shame..." the man said. Marie continued.
"After that, Skinner managed to separate Mulder from Krycek, but still Mulder
said some pretty mean things to the guy. "Like what?" The man asked.
"He called him 'righty' . And when Krycek told him to stop it, Mulder said
'What are you gonna do? Give me a one-two punch?' " The man snickered.
"Also," Melissa continued, "We noticed that Mulder, Scully, and Skinner had
the mango juice, but Krycek didnt...we found that odd." "Did you ask him why?"
"I'm getting to that!" Melissa said. She sighed and continued on with her
story.
"We were in the room with Scully, Mulder, Krycek, and Skinner. Skinner went
with Mulder to talk to him about his behavior. And then Scully went to the
furniture store to find a desk. So we were all alone with the guy. He pretty
much ignored us until Melissa asked him how he lost his arm...
'A buncha Russians captured me. They snuck up on me in the middle of the
night and just sawed my arm right off." 'That musta REALLY hurt,' replied Marie.
'Yes. Yes, it did. Well, nice talkin' to you kids. I've gotta get outta
here before Mulder beats me up faster than you can say 'Strawberry flavored-'
' , he cut himself off. 'I wasn't supposed to say that...okay, I was never
here...I never said that. I've...I've gotta go now.' he said, running out the
door. 'What do you suppose that meant?' I asked Marie. 'I have no idea...' "
"What did it mean?" asked the man.
"We don't KNOW!" said the two girls in unison.
"Continuing on..."said Melissa, "Once Krycek left, Marie and I went back up
to Skinner's office. When we got there, Skinner was dashing out the door with
his coat and briefcase. Nobody was in there but Mulder, and he was looking
sort of surprised. He was sitting in one of the chairs in front of Skinner's
desk. I had figured he had just got done being chewed out. 'What was that
about?' I asked Mulder. 'I don't know! He just looked at his watch, then
muttered something about being late and just ran out the door!' 'Hey, you
know what we forgot?' asked Marie. 'What?' asked Mulder. 'The underwear!!'
said Marie. 'Oh man, we have to find it so we can find out who it belongs
to!' I said. 'Okay, but we have to do it before somebody walks in.' said
Mulder. 'Well, let's get to it, then!' said Marie, stepping behind Skinner's
desk. I looked under the desk where I had seen it before. It wasn't there!
'Marie, the underwear isn't under the desk!' 'Well, maybe he moved it.' said
Marie, 'We have to keep on looking for it!!' So we did."
"Did you find the underwear?"
"No, we didn't..." said Marie, "but we did find something else..."
"Which is?" asked the man.
"A note that said: 1515 Brooks Rd. " said Melissa, finishing up.
"The only thing left to do was to get Scully and go to this place." Mariesaid.
"I agree." said the man.
"So that was what we did. The four of us hopped in Mulder's dinky FBI rental
car and zoomed off. But something weird happened along the way."
"What happened?" the man asked.
"You must have been one heck of a kid to read a bedtime story to, huh?" mused
Marie. "My mother didn't read me stories...." said the man in a hurt tone.
"I figured that. Smart woman..." Melissa said dryly.
"So there we were in the car, on our way to 1515 Brooks Road, and we see this
hot dog stand on the corner, only it isn't selling hot dogs..."
"What is it selling?" the man asked, lighting up another Morly.
"Mangos. And who do you think we see buying one?"
"Al Gore." said Melissa, sarcastically.
"Really?" asked the man, "He's my hero!!" "Um...no...it was Krycek."
"Whoa..." said the man, interrupting once again.
"That's what I said." said Marie, "But he saw us, took a mango, and ran. But
not before Mulder could roll down the window and call him a son-of-a-bitch!
It takes us a few minutes, but we finally end up at 1515 Brooks Rd. We found
out that is was...well..." "What was it?" the man asked.
"A gay strip club!" Melissa cut in.
"That it was." said Marie, " 'Big Bob's Strip club', to be precise. We
rushed out of the car, and into the club. We got stopped by some bouncer named
'Ed', but Mulder and Scully flashed their badges and they let us all in. We
sat down and anticipated what would happen next. Some pretty unusual things
happened! Some gay guy even hit on Mulder! And about ten minutes later the
lights dimmed and the music starts. The curtain opens and a dancer with a LOT
of chest hair burst onto the stage. He was wearing a curly blonde wig, red
lipstick, and...the black lingerie!! Since we were at the back of the club,
we couldn't really tell who he was. But being that Mulder and Scully have
worked with this man for over 5 years, they recognized him immediately. 'Oh
my God, Mulder...it's Skinner!!!!' We all bust up laughing. 'Mulder, we
should go backstage and find out what's going on!' said Scully, tugging on
Mulder's arm. 'Okay.' said Mulder. 'Come with us,' he said to Melissa and I.
So we find a way to sneak backstage. We wait for the little 'dance' to end,
and surprise him. He's just standing there, not moving a muscle. He had this
dazed look on his face. So Scully goes into the dressing room, finds a nearby
sink, and splashes some cold water on his face. Then, he finally comes back
from la-la land. He asked how he got here, and why he was wearing this
disgusting outfit. Basically, he asked us questions that we didn't know the
answer to. But that was when Melissa and I pieced it all togther..."
"How so?" asked the man.
"Well," said Melissa, "we had noticed that everyone who had tasted the Mango
juice earlier that morning had been acting strange. It was then that we had
remembered Krycek. He was the one who had brought the Mango Juice in to the
office today! And then we saw him at the 'hot dog stand' that wasn't exactly
a hot dog stand...he had been injecting the mangos with something! Something
that had made Skinner, Mulder, and Scully act a little weird. Luckily, the
juice had worn off by now." "Or did it?" asked the man, suspiciously.
"Exactly. We'll never know!" said Marie. "This is the rest of all we know,
though. Mulder and Scully are keeping in touch with us, and we recently got a
letter from them saying that they had tracked down Krycek. He is now a
missionary in China. He's rumored to be married to some blonde haired woman
named Suzie who's a film director."
"What about Mulder and Scully? And what about Skinner?" asked the man.
"I'm getting to that!" said Marie. "Okay. Scully had bought herself that
new desk of hers that she'd always wanted. But there was no room for it in
the office! The only way they could fit it in there was to set it up across
from Mulder's desk. I guess they didn't have much to do, so..."
"The last time we saw Mulder and Scully," said Melissa, finishing Marie's
statement, "they were playing Battleship at their desks!"
"And as for Skinner, well...Mulder and Scully said that he hasn't thrown out
the address of that strip club..." There was a long pause, where no one said
anything more. "Is that all there is?" asked the man. "Afraid so," said Melissa.
"Well," the man said, "I won't keep you girls any longer. Thank you for
telling me what I wanted to know, but I'm afraid I can't tell you why I need
to know it. You see, if I told you, I would have to kill you, and I don't like
killing things...anything. I hope you understand. I think of myself as a
people person..." "All right..." Marie sighed, "we can go now?"
"Yes, you can." And with that the two girls left the area behind the tent,
and went to get some popcorn.
It is the same dark night, and the two girls are sitting on a bench looking
at the ferris wheel. One of them, Melissa, speaks. "That guy was sure
strange, huh?"
"Yeah, he sure was. And today my mom got an E-Mail from Skinner telling her
that he enjoyed our company, and that he would love for us to join him next
year..." Melissa put her head in her hands and let out a sigh, but then she
lifted her head up and said: "It looks like this thing is far from over..."
"Yeah." her friend agreed. "Krycek didn't seem like that much of a
missionary type..."
If the two girls would have turned around to face the abandoned building
behind them, they would have seen the red dot on Marie's purple shirt, and if
she would have looked even farther, to the second story of the building, they
would have seen a dark figure sitting behind a powerful rifle. The man that
they had told their story to looked at the girls for a second, and slowly
walked away from the handle of his weapon.
"You girls know too much," he sighed and lit up the last cigarrette in a pack
of Morlys. "I can kill you anytime I please, but...not today..." The End