FML Contest
Title: My No Good Life
Pen name: emg78
Characters: Edward
Disclaimer: Contains abuse situations and profanity.
To see the rest of the entries in this contest, please visit the FML C2: http://www . fanfiction . net/community/FML_Contest_Fics/77195/ (remove spaces for link to work)
Prompt: Today I was buying beer at the liquor store I always buy beer at. I discovered that some of the people who work there worry about me if I don't come in to buy beer every day. FML
EPOV
Stretching the soreness from my frame, I rise from my bed running a hand through my unruly hair and rubbing my palms over my face.
Catching a glance of myself in the mirror, I shake my head and refrain from looking closer. The soreness emanates from wounds I would rather not examine closely. I will remain ignorant to my physical condition.
I don my daily dress of jeans and t-shirt. Covered by a dark hooded sweatshirt, I feel my cape of security fall over my frame. The only reason I have the will to move to continue on. I can hide under the clothes, go unnoticed.
Not by my choice, but a necessity of my life.
I grab my school bag, iPod, and a granola bar from a stash I keep in a dresser drawer. I leave by my balcony door following the stairs to the path that leads around the house. I'm relieved at this small blessing of an alternate exit from this place.
My sister Alice spends most nights at her boyfriend, Jasper's, house. She manages to avoid the drama that would come by showing face in ours. They don't seem to notice, or just don't care. I'm the one responsible for their vice, I'm the one whose presence they would notice missing.
My drive to school is short. Parking in a distant corner of the lot I eat my small breakfast ration while reading through last night's homework. The empty parking spot in my peripheral vision echoing the empty feeling in my chest. I hear the familiar growl of the ancient red truck before it comes in to view. The cold of being alone warming slightly as the empty parking spot is skilfully filled by the parking of the beast. A few moments later the driver door swings open and Bella Swan literally stumbles out and into my view. I watch as she swings her bag onto the edge of the truck bed. She takes out her ear buds putting them on before messing with her bright blue iPod for a few moments.
I watch unabashed as she is focused on the small device in her hand, her facial features scrunched up in concentration. She finally tucks it into her pocket and pulls out mittens and a book. A well worn copy of Romeo and Juliet which I have watched her read too many times to count. She leans on her truck for about ten minutes before tucking the book away. She turns her head toward my car and smiles slightly before walking in the opposite direction and disappearing into the school. I know she can't see me beyond the tint of the windows, but the smile she has from the sight of my car alone gives me another wave of warmth. She is the part of my morning routine I enjoy, watching her arrive and make her way into the school. I wait for the bell to ring before venturing from the car. I would rather rush then be early.
No one looks at me. Teachers and students alike don't look. I see them only as blurs, none are identifiably different. All smiling, talking, touching happily. The direct opposite of anything I can ever be or do.
I am a model student, albeit an anti-social one. Studying is the only safe activity, as long as I remain good at it. Sequestered in my room every night, quiet and alone, there is no other distraction safe for me. Every other activity I've been interested in has been twisted...tainted by the world I live in.
Teachers don't call on me in class. I've proven that I know the material so they don't feel compelled to question me aloud in class. I sit quietly, nothing but a lurking shadow in the back. Taking notes like a machine, without emotion or interest.
I used to see knowledge, an education, as my way out...a possible escape from this life. My opinion has changed. I have no escape, no way out. There is no end to this for me.
I barely register the morning passing. Moments of light soak into me when I catch a glimpse of Bella. Laughing with her friends in the hall and talking with a teacher outside her English class. I know her schedule as well as I know my own; having watched her from a far for months.
Lunch comes, and with it, an apple and a slice of pizza. They taste like cardboard, bringing no enjoyment other then the silence of my stomach. I eat in the hall on the floor by the door to my next class. Not attempting to remain in the cafeteria, surrounded by the chatter of the happy blurs enjoying the social break in their academic day.
My daily routine goes unchanged. I find my only salvation is the routine which I maintain faithfully...Hood up, head down, music full blast.
The shield I wear so no one notices, no one cares.
Blurs of my peers pass but do not notice me; better that they don't.
My life is not good for anyone. No friends. No girls. Not even myself if I'm being honest.
Finishing my cardboard tasting lunch, I move through the door to my biology lab table.
A low buzz of anticipation begins humming in my gut. A nervous excitement that keeps me coming back day after day to this place.
I wait impatiently jiggling my foot under the large table and moments later she sits by my side.
The only girl I wish I could let in, but know I can't.
"Hi" Her quiet voice gently greets me.
"Hi, Bella." I respond with a small smile. The only time I'll willingly talk and make eye contact today. Only for her. It's all I have for her.
A greeting and a smile, all I can offer her. She's different, kind, real, not like the others.
I take a moment to memorize her. Every day I add a new mental picture to the Bella album in my mind. I don't have the luxury of any tangible memento so I will take this moment to add a mental one.
She is wearing dark blue jeans that fit her perfectly, but don't look uncomfortable. I see a line of blue lace outlining her perfect cleavage. Just a hint of colour against her pale milky skin. I can guess it's only a tank top because she's covered with a black zip-up hooded sweatshirt. It's fitted but looks soft and comfortable. She is wearing a silver chain necklace with a star shaped pendant. It hangs just long enough to brush her collarbones gently and my fingers twitch a bit and I resist the urge to brush my finger tips along the exposed line of her throat. Her hair hangs gently down her back framing her face perfectly.
I watch discreetly as she sets her books out open on the desk. She is a creature of habit, always placing things in the same spot. Her binder folded over, a fresh sheet of paper already at the top. It sits at a 45 degree angle to her textbook which is open to the current study chapter across the top edge of the desk. Her pencil case, a box she has covered in black doodles sits open beside the text all the items in perfect reaching distance.
"How are you Edward?" She asks quietly turning in her seat a little.
"I'm alright. Did I miss anything yesterday?" Monday night had not been good. I ended up staying home from school yesterday because I wouldn't have been able to hide from all the prying eyes.
"No, nothing new. I was just worried about you." She says in almost a whisper looking back at her open books. I can see the hint of a pink blush creep up her cheeks.
"Everything's fine Bella. Don't spend time worrying about me." She should not being letting my world take anytime out of her day.
"You're my friend, I worry about my friends." She says quietly looking my direction without turning her body.
I don't get a chance to respond because the teacher begins the lesson.
Every part of me wishes for more with her but she is Chief Swan's daughter. To protect us, he can never know the truth of my life. To protect her, she can never be exposed to my life. In turn she can never know me beyond simple conversation in class, glimpses in the hall.
Occasionally our hands will touch briefly and the fire it sparks is incredible...a glimmer of the fire, the passion that could be.
If things were different…I was different…they were different.
Today our hands do not touch, but her waist length mahogany hair brushes my arm and hand while she leans over the table taking notes. Her strawberry scent surrounding me and as I breathe it in I feel calm, peaceful for a few moments.
The class ends. My hour of salvation brought by Bella Swan's presence is done.
"See you tomorrow Edward." She is ahead of me leaving today and I nod my response as she passes.
Stepping from the classroom, Alice is waiting for me. She is in her usual state wrapped around Jasper. An outsider would see her as a normal teenager. She dates, participates in school, socializes. From the outside, she is bubbly and confident.
Unfortunately I know the truth. Her scars run as deep as mine. Jasper stands by her knowing only some of the truth. He stands guard eagerly waiting to whisk her away from this place. He has braved our world just so he is able to remove her from it. I will be there to help when it is time. She deserves to be away from this. I need her to be away from it.
"I got the text, JD and Guinness." She speaks sad and low so the minions of forks high don't catch on.
I just nod. This is a routine we know well. The words may change but the meaning remains the same. A daily happening lasting moments but setting the tone for every moment following.
The blurs have returned. I have seen the only three people my conscience will allow me to: Bella, Alice and Jasper. The last only because of his attachment to my sister.
The final bell rings and my feet don't want to move. But there is a time frame I must follow if for no other reason than to go unnoticed.
The car feels cold and impersonal. Everyone seems to think it's mine; a sign of wealth and an upper class life. Oh how wrong they are with their assumptions. But as with everything in my life; I know the truth.
The true owner of this car is no longer allowed to drive. So I drive it but only to do the true owners bidding.
I pull into the strip plaza. Walk past the coffee shop where classmates of mine are enjoying themselves after school. I catch glimpses of the familiar blurs of my peers, books spread open on the table. They all enjoy innocence not available to me. A world opposite of my own. Completely unreachable.
The old bell above the door chimes as I open it. I lower my hood for the first time today, knowing the familiar cashier won't serve me if it is up.
I run my hand through my hair nervously, feeling completely exposed for the first time today. My shield is down momentarily and it's uncomfortable.
I don't need to look around. This is a trip I've done many times before. It doesn't take me long to grab what I need.
I carry a bottle of Jack in my left hand and a six of Guinness in my right. Anymore and things could get ugly, any less and they will be even uglier. A perfect balance impossible to maintain.
I walk to the cash and Esme looks me over. I know what she's seeing. The outcome when the balance was tilted too heavily to the not enough side. The remains of Monday's shiner and yesterdays split lip. Perhaps even a glimpse of the hand prints around my neck. My eyes dark green and clouded with the pain of the secrets I have to keep.
She bites her lip and sighs deeply. Her blue eyes swimming with sympathy and concern.
"We missed you yesterday Edward." She says quietly. She doesn't question my appearance, knowing from experience I won't answer truthfully.
I just nod. There's nothing I can say. She doesn't ask for ID. She knows how old I am, but also knows the alcohol isn't for me and looks the other way.
Handing her the cash, she pauses holding the bills above the cash drawer, obviously looking for the words to say something. She takes a few large breathes before speaking again.
"I worry when you don't come in." She keeps her gaze studiously on the money drawer not making eye contact as she quietly pleads with me. "Promise me you will call Carlisle or me if you need anything...anything at all." This isn't the first time she has offered help. Her husband Carlisle is an ER doctor at the closest hospital and he has stitched me up twice in the past year. Neither of them knows the truth of my life. I think they have an idea though. They have more knowledge of my daily routine than anyone else. She's searching my face; I can see the desperate look of concern in her features.
Making eye contact for a moment, I let the idea stew in my head. Could I ask for help? If not for me, for Alice? No... I can't... I won't. These are good people who don't deserve to be involved in the fuckery that is my family, my life.
"I know Esme. Thank you... but, I-I'm sorry..." I shake my head no, quietly acknowledging her offer and apologizing for upsetting her. I grab the items and head back to the car. On the drive home I push any thoughts of Esme and Carlisle out of my head. I know they mean well but any offer of help is useless and impossible to entertain.
Pulling up to the house the knot of anxiety I constantly seem to have sits heavy in my chest. As I close the door, having grabbed my bag and the liquor, I can hear it. Two raised angry voices. Shouting words I've heard before... words which only lead to one thing. My body tenses preparing for what is sure to come. My flight or fight response trying to force me into action. An action I can't take if I am going to follow with the routine I must. A shiver runs down my spine. Even after all this time, fear still hits my frame strongly. Even knowing what I'm sure is to come when I enter the house.
I open the door shutting it as quietly as possible. As it clicks quietly, I freeze. The shouting has stopped abruptly.
This is not usual. The shouting never stops because of my presence.
This is not what I know as normal. I have no way of anticipating what is about to happen.
I turn hesitantly away from the door. Nothing out of place in my line of sight. No sound noticeable around me. No sign of what is to come.
Then my world goes black.