Chapter 1

It was late; Sophie was away visiting with Tara. She had left on the impromptu trip and Nate was alone in their house. He sat in his study with a glass of whiskey in his hand musing over how his life had changed and how it was about to change again. His expression darkened at that thought and he took a sip of the whiskey, contemplating just downing the entire bottle seated on the table in front of him.

It had been nine months since he had walked away from Leverage Incorporated, taking Sophie with him. It had been eight months since he had made her his wife. They had spent six months honeymooning, traveling around the world. He smiled as he thought about the trip. They had revisited the places they had been together so many years ago, together yet apart then. It had been a wonderful trip, full of memories and recounting of adventures shared. They had visited Prague, Damascus and Paris. They had gone to the museums, the exhibitions and shows. He could not remember when last he had been so very happy and contented. The months had flown by quickly. When it was time to end though, to head back home, they had made the joint decision that they would make their home in Portland. Sophie had her theatre, Nate had his boat, besides which, LA held too many memories for Nate and Boston wasn't home anymore. Neither one of them wanted to admit that they did not want to be far from the rest of their family, although that was one of the deciding factors in their decision. He had been happy, blissfully so, that was until two weeks ago.

Family, Nate thought taking another sip of his whiskey. Who would have thought a little over six years ago that he would have a family again? Yet here he was married to the woman he had loved for years, and who loved him as much as he did her. When Sam had died, he had told himself that he would never allow himself to get that close to anybody again. He could not risk it, losing again. He should never have allowed it but this had snuck up on him. The first year they were together working as a team, he had not really been there, he had been drunk most of the time and to be honest, he had not seen it as long term. He was sure that the team would break up, in fact, he would dare them to leave, goad them into going, but they never did. They had stuck by him even though he was a drunken bastard most of the time. They had stuck by him through Kadjic and the fiasco with him going to prison, through the blackmail and taking down Damien Moreau, through his Dad's death and Victor Dubenich, through everything. Why they stayed, why they had grown into a family, considering the type of people they were, all of them, him included, he could still not for the life of him figure out. Whatever the reason was, he was glad they had, at least until now, he thought bitterly, now he wished that he had driven them away then.

His thoughts took a dark turn again and he scowled as he downed the remaining amber liquid in his glass. He should not be drinking and he knew it but he did not care. It seemed to him that every time he managed to be happy, something would come and destroy that happiness. It was simple, Nathan Ford did not deserve happiness, he did not deserve a family and he was just fooling himself to think he did. Nate leaned over and took the now half-empty bottle of whiskey and poured himself another glass full. It had been a long time since he had drank this much and he could feel the effects of the liquor on him. Sophie would definitely not approve of his behaviour. Then he smiled sadly to himself as he gulped down half of the newly poured glass, he was entitled to drink. He had to walk away from them, from Sophie, from his family and it was going to be the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. He had to do it, for them. It was not that he did not trust them, oh no, on the contrary; he trusted them more than he had ever trusted anybody in his life. He trusted them with his life, trusted her with his life and more. But this he did not trust them with. He had to make this decision for them because he knew they would make the wrong one. She would make the wrong one. He could not allow them to do that, he could not allow them to sacrifice their lives for him; he was not worth that, he never had been. This was his cross to bear and he would carry it alone. The anger rose up in him, the anger and the despair of the situation. He finished the last of the alcohol in the glass and then with a force borne of frustration and anger and remorse and fear and emotions he could not even put a name too he threw the glass across the room. It hit the wall and shattered into pieces. Nate stared at the fragments and grabbed the bottle, putting it too his lips he allowed the liquid to flow feeling the burn in his throat as the whiskey slid down, along with the burn of the tears that pricked his eyes.

Once the bottle was empty he contemplated getting another one, but he was tired. No, he was exhausted and he could not get himself to rise and walk to the kitchen. He was well on his way to being drunk, he could not handle as much liquor as he used to he thought ruefully. It had been a long day and he was sure that the emotional turmoil it had brought about was adding to his exhaustion. He had just about convinced himself to get more alcohol when his phone rang startling him slightly. He looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Sophie. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes briefly before answering.

"Hey…" He said not trying to hide the fact that he was drunk.

"Hey yourself..." Sophie said immediately noting the tone of his voice and the slight slur in his speech.

"You been having a good time with Tara?"

"Yes…but I miss you." Sophie said trying to keep the concern out of her voice.

"Yeah..." Nate said softly. He missed her too, missed her so damn much it hurt he thought, but he was not going to say that.

"I'm coming home day after tomorrow, Tara has to cut the trip short she got a job and she can't turn it down."

"Really…that's…that's great…" He stuttered

"Nate…are you alright?" Sophie said hearing in his voice that he had been drinking. Something had been going on for the last two weeks; she had not said anything because trying to get information out of Nate if he did not want to give was impossible, even for her. It also usually led to a fight and she had avoided that. But now she was really worried.

"Yes…yes of course…I just miss you is all."

There was a slight pause as Sophie contemplated calling Nate on the lie. She decided against it though. This was not something she wanted to tackle over the phone. There was obviously something seriously wrong and the sooner she got home the better.

"Ok…" She said softly. "I'll be home soon…I love you Nate."

"I Love you too sweetheart, so very much." Nate said with such profound sorrow that it made Sophie gasp. "Sleep well darling."

"I will…you too…" Sophie said trying to suppress the horrible feeling she had in her gut and keeping her voice gentle. "Good night my love."

"'Night." Nate said and then dropped the line.

Sophie was staring at the phone wondering just what was going on with Nate when Tara walked in.

"Sophie…" Tara said coming into the room. "Is everything alright?"

"No…" Sophie said automatically. Everything was definitely not 'all right', her instincts were screaming at her that she had to get back to Nate and she had to do it as soon as possible. "I need to go."

"Sophie…"

"I don't know Tara, but something is wrong. I can't explain it but I need to get back home." Sophie said now in a near panic, why was Nate drinking, why did he sound so sad…what the hell was going on, what could have changed in the last few weeks to bring on this behaviour from him. She had not heard Nate speak with such sadness and even a hint of hopelessness since that terrible time when Dubenich had almost cost them everything. She did not know what was going on but she was damn well going to find out she thought.

"Ok, well why don't you go pack and I'll get you a flight out of here." Tara said. She could see that whatever had happened with Nate on the phone had upset her friend and the only way to help her was to get her home as soon as possible. She could see the distress on her friends face and she wasted no time in making the arrangements for Sophie to get home.

Sophie and Tara arrived at the airport and hour later. Tara had managed to get her on a flight that would get her back to Portland in the early hours of the following morning. Tara walked Sophie to the departure gate and then gave her friend a hug goodbye telling her to call if she needed her, before watching her walk away. She hopped that it was not as serious as Sophie thought it was and that everything would be sorted out once Sophie got home. Though, knowing Nate as she did, she would not be surprised if the man had gotten himself into some sort of trouble.

Sophie boarded the plane and took her seat. She could not get rid of the feeling that something was about to happen, something bad. She hoped that it was just her imagination, but she had heard something in Nate's voice that told her this was not trivial, whatever was happening was serious. Nate had been drinking very little, he had not stopped completely and she had not asked him to. But he did not binge, not even during the times of year when it was hardest for him. Instead he talked to her, he got through Sam's birthday and the day he died, he got through it with her, by sharing it with her. He had opened up to her, shared with her his pain, instead of hiding it away inside a bottle. That was until two weeks ago. Whatever had happened then had changed everything. He was pushing her away, shutting her out and had been for the last two weeks why? Why was he drunk, what could have happened to cause this change in him? So many questions swam in her mind as she stared out into the darkness of the night.

It was almost four in the morning when Sophie arrived home. She unlocked the door and slipped into the house quietly. She did not want to wake Nate if he was sleeping. Turning on the light she stopped dead in her tracks. Nate was lying passed out on the sofa, a half-empty bottle of whiskey cradled in his arm. She dropped her bags and made her way to his side.

"Oh Nate...what happened?" She asked tears welling in her eyes. Gently she removed the bottle from his arm and put it down on the table.

Sophie pulled up a chair and sat down next to him. She ran her hand through his hair and he stirred slightly but did not wake. She knew she should be angry with him but all she felt was trepidation. Nate would not do this unless something terrible had happened. Her heart clenched in fear as she wondered what it was that had driven him back to the bottle on this scale, not to mention the fact that he had been gradually withdrawing from her, slowly but definitely shutting her out over the last two weeks. What the hell could have happened she thought to herself as she watched him sleep?

"Whatever it is Nate, whatever it is we will get through it…" She said kissing him gently on the forehead.

OK well there it is the start of my new story. I hope you are all going to enjoy it. Please don't forget to review, I look forward to reading each and every one of them.