The Bad Place

Two days before the launch of Neighborhood 12358W

The elevator shuddered to a stop with the hair-raising sound of a thousand rusty nails scraping on a chalkboard.

"Whaddup, bitches, your stop's here," a recorded female voice drawled. "Now get the fuck out."

"I wish they'd change that," the guard muttered. He nudged Hidan out of the elevator none too gently; the doors clashed as soon as they exited the lift. The doors of the other lift opened just then, and the guard nodded at the two who had stepped out, another guard with his own prisoner in tow. "Izumo."

"Kotetsu," the other guard greeted. "How's it going?"

"Pretty well, considering who I've got to haul in front of the Boss today," Kotetsu groused, indicating Hidan with a jerk of his head. "Oi, keep walking."

Hidan, however, only had eyes for the person standing beside Izumo in chains. "Kaku-fucker! What brings you here, moneybags?" He leered at the other man. "Oh? Did you get written up again?"

"Shut up, idiot," Kakuzu growled. "As if you have a right to say anything." He glanced at the bloodstains on Hidan's rumpled white shirt. "Hn. Another rampage? He's not going to let you off easy, that's for sure."

Hidan groaned. "I swear, if that bastard assigns me to latrine duty again, I'll scream."

Kotetsu chuckled darkly when he heard this. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about cleaning toilets, if I were you," he said. "I heard the Boss has something special planned for the two of you. Now move."

They passed by the open cubicles where the Apprentices worked in neat silent rows, each demon furiously skritch-scratching at their desk. A few curious heads looked up, now and then, but for the most part, the office workers kept their heads down, buried behind towering stacks of reference books and blueprints.

"Here we are," Kotetsu said when they reached the Boss's office, which was the only enclosed space on the floor. He gave the chain linked to Hidan's handcuffs a hard tug, forcing Hidan to lurch to a halt in front of the tall mahogany door.

"That hurt, you shitty brat," Hidan grumbled. Kotetsu ignored him and produced a small key from his pockets, which he used to unlock the heavy cuffs behind Hidan's back. Izumo did the same with Kakuzu.

"Have fun with the Boss," Izumo said with a wink. Then both guards vanished, leaving only Hidan and Kakuzu.

"I hate it when they do that," Hidan muttered, rubbing his chafed wrists gingerly. "Ooww.. Fucking Kotetsu. When I get back I'll crucify him and then rip his guts out for the crows, after I do the same thing to Shawn."

"Don't you dare piss him off while I'm in the same room," Kakuzu warned. Hidan flipped him the bird before proceeding to kick the door open. Their superior, who had been deep in conversation with another person, stopped mid-speech, swiveling his armchair to take a better look at his guests.

"Ah, Hidan, Kakuzu. You came on time," Shawn said, smiling slightly, which was the most cheerful anyone had ever seen him in over a century. "Excellent. I have some news for you."

To this, Hidan responded with a few choice expletives that promptly wiped the smirk off Shawn's face. Shawn snapped his fingers, and black cords instantly bound Hidan from head to toe, and duct tape wound around the lower half of his face like a mask. While Hidan struggled against his bonds, their superior eyed Kakuzu warily.

"You won't be needing this, I hope," Shawn remarked. When Kakuzu shook his head, Shawn relaxed a little. "Good," he said. "That makes my life somewhat easier. The two of you are here to receive your punishments, correct?" He quickly riffled through the contents of a manila file before setting it down on the desk.

"I've decided that assigning you to clean toilets for a millennium wasn't...the best of ideas," Shawn said, leaning back into his armchair. He steepled his fingers. "Especially since it has been demonstrated several times to have no deterrent effect on repeat offenders such as yourselves. I have discussed the terms of your punishments with my colleagues, and I have decided to send both of you to work for Michael on his new project until it shows good results. Questions?"

"MmMFMMF!" Hidan's muffled voice said indignantly. Shawn ignored him and nodded at Kakuzu, who had raised his hand. "Kakuzu."

"Will we be get paid for overtime?" Kakuzu immediately queried.

"Absolutely not," his boss said shortly. "You still have to pay back the fifty grand you embezzled from Accounting. I'm afraid you won't be getting any paychecks any time soon." He offered Kakuzu a tightlipped smile, then turned to Hidan, whose face was turning purple from exertion. "This better be a good question, or it'll be the cocoon this time."

When Hidan nodded frantically, Shawn snapped his fingers again. The bonds holding Hidan loosened, then slithered away to hide under Shawn's desk. Hidan promptly ground one under his heel before it could escape, and it disintegrated into a pile of black ooze.

"…If you're quite done?" Shawn said acidly, watching Hidan stomp on the ground. Hidan gave one final stomp before looking up to glower at his superior.

"We're being demoted," Hidan spat. "Exiled. Why?"

"The correct term is indefinite suspension, but you have the general idea," Shawn said, giving Hidan a look of disapproval. "And you know why."

"No, I don't! I get why good ol' Kaku-fucker here is getting his just desserts, but why me? I do my work. Hell, I do more than my fair share!" Hidan complained.

"And that's exactly the problem," Shawn snapped. "You're supposed to go after the humans, not your coworkers, you dunderhead. I have to hire temps to cover them, and I hate hiring temps. You have to train them for months, and just when you think they're finally competent at their job, they leave."

"You have me," Hidan reminded. "I love my work. The others don't do shit."

"Well, maybe you should tone down the enthusiasm and start learning what teamwork is," Shawn said acerbically. "I've arranged it so that the two of you will forced to be together 24/7. You two are soul-bound, now." He paused, smiling slightly at their shocked faces; the very thought of this seemed to cheer him up immensely. Kakuzu and Hidan, however, stared at their superior, aghast.

"Would you reconsider it if I returned all of the money I borrowed?" Kakuzu asked. After a pause, he added, a bit reluctantly, "…With interest, of course."

"Nope," Shawn replied. "But I'll tell Bad Janet to withdraw the amount from your savings account. Bad Janet?"

Bad Janet cracked her gum loudly, smirking when she saw that it startled Shawn. "On it, boss."

"Why the hell would you do that to us?" Hidan protested. "This is the worst fucking idea you've had in ages, and you've had terrible ideas before, Boss."

Shawn looked up at him. "So?" He asked.

"So?!" Hidan sputtered. "SO?! Newsflash, Boss: WE HATE EACH OTHER. You've literally MELDED OUR SOULS AND THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY WE CAN UNDO THAT."

Shawn shrugged. "I don't see why that would be a problem," he said coolly. "You'd finally be learning a lesson. I should have done this earlier, if I'd known that you both hated it this much."

"BOSS. WE'RE STUCK TOGETHER. FOR ETERNITY."

"Why do you think I did it, you blockheads?" Shawn returned, annoyed. "We're in the Bad Place. We're demons: we exist to make others miserable, including ourselves. Shut up and grow a pair. Anyway, you'll be answering to Michael, and I don't want to see your ugly mugs before I hear some good news about this experiment." He turned to the figure he had been talking to before Hidan barged in. "Michael, you can get the other 316 demons from Dave from Accounting and Kyle from Toxic Masculinity. Shinichi in Youtuber Hell probably has a few workers he can spare."

Michael gave Hidan and Kakuzu a dazzling smile. He had on a dapper suit that was the same color as his sleek, white hair, as well as a pair of spectacles that lent him a vaguely benevolent, grandfatherly air. If it weren't for the conspicuous lack of wrinkles and liver spots on his unblemished skin, he would have been a perfect replica of a seventy year old Caucasian human male.

Hidan gawked at the stranger. 'He's not from the Good Place, is he?' he asked Kakuzu telepathically. 'What's a goody-two-shoes angel doing down here?'

'He's here because he's one of us, idiot,' Kakuzu replied, glancing briefly at the suited man.

'Don't fuck with me, bastard,' Hidan hissed. He gave the being called Michael a disgusted look. 'Who in their right mind would wear something like that awful white suit? A fucking angel, that's wha—' His voice trailed off as his eyes rested on the very gaudy, striped bowtie at the stranger's neck. '…No, you're right. He's definitely from the Bad Place.'

"I should inform you that Michael has been promoted to manager, and thus has the security clearance to access all telepathically transmitted internal memos," Shawn said dryly. "Including private conversations." He glanced over at Michael. "But I have to say, they do have a point about the bowtie."

Michael ignored Shawn and turned to the two in front of him. "Hidan and Kakuzu?" He said. "Pleasure to work with you." He extended a hand. "I'm Michael." When neither Kakuzu or Hidan moved to take it, Michael retracted his hand awkwardly and gave a dry cough.

"…Well," Michael said uncomfortably. "I can see that we're off to a great start."

"Like hell we are."

Michael's new project was a lovely suburban neighborhood, complete with verdant lawns, sweeping expanses of forest and valleys blooming with flowers. Several, brightly colored buildings of varying heights surrounded the fountain at the very center of the town square. 'FROZEN YOGURT,' they read in several languages and different pastel fonts. Radiating from the town square were the residences of the other occupants of this new world, structures composed of glass and steel, brick and mortar, even one cunningly crafted with yarn and tiny beads. There was even an authentic yurt next to a lovely little hexagonal pond carpeted with blooming lotus flowers whose white petals were tinged with the most delicate shade of pink. Kakuzu's head ached to think about the amount of time and money that went into creating this neighborhood. For a fledgling Architect, Michael was doing very well for himself if he was able to secure this much funding for a first endeavor. How in the world did he manage to persuade the higher-ups to let him borrow 318 demons from the other departments?

Hidan's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"I don't get why we have to wear these dorky things," Hidan was complaining to Michael. "What are they, anyway?" He jingled the silver bracelet on his wrist.

"It's a physical manifestation of your soul bond," the architect explained. "Just for the purposes of this project. We'll take it off when we retire this neighborhood."

"Oh yeah? Then how come the only people that have it are us two?" Hidan challenged. He looked pointedly at the bare wrist of a passing demon. "You didn't meld anyone else's souls together, Boss?"

"The others are volunteers," Shawn said flatly. "They aren't here to do time like you and Kakuzu, Hidan. It's to make sure that you don't stray from each other beyond a certain distance." He glared at Hidan. "Test me, and I'll make it so that you have to hold hands all the time."

Hidan grumbled a little but mercifully subsided.

"I wouldn't recommend you two be more than ten feet apart from each other," Michael advised. "You'll be punished if you do."

"Oh, yeah? So what? What happens if we do, ash-hat?"

"You get to experience Heavenly Tribulations," Michael replied. "We stole the idea from the Chinese. Not that the Great Dao actually exists, but it's a neat concept."

"…What the flying fork is that?"

"Tens of thousands of lighting bolts from the sky electrocute you, over and over and over again. They don't stop until I say so, or if there's a power outage."

This world's version of Janet (an idiot with zero personality and an insipid smile) simpered. Kakuzu, who was used to seeing her counterpart in black, skintight leather thought that the frumpy purple frock and the checkered blue blouse did this Janet no favors.

"Don't worry," Good Janet assured them happily. "The power outage will never happen. I've set up three backup generators in case of emergencies."

"That's very reassuring," Kakuzu said sourly. Good Janet gave him a thumbs up.

"No, it's not, shirt for brains," Hidan returned. He scowled when an idea suddenly occurred to him. "What the fork—why can't I flipping curse?"

They stood for a moment, just staring at the small bed that occupied most of the space inside the chapel. It was big enough for two people. There was hardly any space for a second bed, let enough room on the floor to comfortably fit a sleeping bag.

Kakuzu broke the silence first. "They're forking kidding me, right?" He looked around the chapel. It was a small, cramped space; the bed took up half of the room. The rest of the room was cluttered with old, spindly furniture and towering stacks of religious texts. He tried to move the wooden table and the candelabra that was in the center of the room, without any success. "Try shoving those books outside to make some space, brat."

"I'm already on it, you-FORK, what the?" Hidan exclaimed, trying to take a book from the tall stack of leather-bound tomes next to him. "They glued it down, those shirty ash-holes!" He looked around. "Oi, Janet!"

"How can I help you?" Janet asked, popping out of nowhere.

"Great timing. Get another bed in here, would you?" Hidan demanded. "Make some space, or whatever. Or better yet, get us another house to live in, yeah?"

"Ding! I'm sorry, but I am not allowed to make any alterations to your home," Janet answered. "Error message. Error message. Supervisor approval must be obtained."

"Well, what the fork do you want us to do?" Kakuzu exploded. "You can't expect us to sleep together, do you?"

Janet merely smiled placidly. "Soulmates are entirely welcome to enjoy whatever living arrangements they would like, with mutual consent," she said. "But please note that both of you would be punished if you do not adhere to the ten-foot restriction."

"...What if one of us camps outside?" Hidan said slowly, looking at the open window besides the bed. He looked at Janet. "That's allowed, right?"

Janet paused. "Technically, yes," she said. She waved a hand, and two trees sprung out right outside the window; branches grew out and weaved through each other to form a crude hammock.

"This is the best I can do with the limited powers I have," Janet said, a little apologetically. She smiled. "So, who's the lucky one who gets to sleep outdoors?"

Kakuzu and Hidan looked at each other.

"I have to warn you that the canopy will block against the sun, but not against rain, sleet, or freak storms," Janet cautioned.

"That's fine," Kakuzu said. "I'll just have to kick this one out when that happens." He shot Hidan a dirty look.

"It'll never happen," Hidan said smugly. "Hah! Suck it, old man."

"Hn," Kakuzu replied. He made sure to grind his heels extra hard on the pristine white bedcover before clambering out of the window. Hidan yelped when he saw the muddy footprints on the bed.

"Kakuzu, you forker!"

Neighborhood 12358W

Attempt 1, Day 1

Eleanor Shellstrop didn't know what was happening, but she wasn't about to question her sudden turn of luck.

…Screw that, she had questions.

"So, what exactly did I do on Earth to merit my being in the Good Place?" she asked. "I mean, I am supposed to be here, right?" She chuckled nervously.

At this, the nice old man in the white suit (was he an angel? Heavenly being? She honestly had no idea what Michael was) laughed.

"Very much so," Michael said. "You see, we monitor all of your actions on Earth and tally up the points that result from your actions: plus points for good deeds, minus points for bad ones. I am pleased to say that that the total number of life points that you, Eleanor Shellstrop, have accumulated ensures your spot here. In fact, I am 100% certain that the Other Place has no space for you." He smiled. "A humanitarian lawyer like you? Someone who's dedicated her life to rescuing orphans and going on hunger strikes? A woman like that could never be in the Bad Place. That would be blasphemy."

"O-of course," Eleanor said weakly. She glanced again at her new home, with its garish clown decorations and stupid minimalist layout that screamed not Eleanor Shellstrop.

Something was very, very wrong.

"Without further ado, I would like you to meet your new neighbors," Michael said. "Shall we?" He opened the door for her with a small flourish, and they walked out of not-Eleanor's particolored house.

"We're not stopping here?" Eleanor asked, when they continued to walk past the gargantuan mansion next door with its sprawling, manicured lawns and marble fountain. Her house looked like a cheap dollhouse standing right next to it.

"Oh, we'll meet Tahani and Jianyu later," Michael said. "They're a little busy at the moment. Ah, here we are." They turned left to a little, dilapidated chapel half-hidden by the bramble thicket that surrounded it.

"A church?" Eleanor asked, a little incredulous. "Someone lives here?"

"Chapel," Michael gently corrected. "Hidan is—was, very well-known for his devotion to his religion back in his time."

"This SUCKS!" They heard someone yell. "Why the FORK are we living here? This is blasphemy! I'LL KILL THEM!" Michael gave the door a few, hard raps and the voices fell silent. Then the door creaked open.

"About time, forker," the man who opened the door snarled, purple eyes flashing. The shorter, dark-haired man standing next to him elbowed him in the ribs. "OW! Kakuzu, what the fork!"

"Stuff it, brat," the dark-haired man returned. "Nobody wants to hear you."

"Well, nobody asked to live with you, Shirty-kuzu! Whose idea was it to make us be literal soulmates, anyway?"

"Eleanor," Michael said, voice strained, as if he were speaking through gritted teeth. "I'd like to introduce you to your neighbors, Kakuzu and Hidan. Forgive them for their rudeness; they're not used to such…luxury."

"Luxury's one way to put it," Eleanor thought she heard…Kaki? Curry? mutter under his breath. (Whatever, she was bad at names. Sue her.) The lighter-haired man stared incredulously at Michael.

"This is a forking chapel," he stressed. "Are you forking kidding me? You're making me live in THIS PLACE?"

"Manners, Hidan," Michael admonished. In an undertone to Eleanor, he whispered, "in honor of his piety, we've decided to house him in the chapel that he prayed in during his time on Earth.

The man named Kakuzu pulled his friend aside as Michael proceeded to go off on a tangent.

'I forking hate this job. Why can't we just torture her already?' The other man hissed. "Also, why is he making us live here?"

'Can you just shut up about the stupid chapel?' Kakuzu growled.

'Infidel, Jashin-sama will have your hide if He hears you. This is a place for forking heathens. It's unclean.'

"It's because you keep on whining about this that the Boss docked our pay. You owe me for overtime, shirty brat."

'Oh, yeah? I'm pretty sure the Boss docked your pay for stealing from Accounting. Is that my fault too, forker?'

'…Let's just get this over with. It's only a matter of time before Michael's plan fails.'

'Mother-flipping-forker.'

"…So I'm next-door neighbors with a canonized saint and one of the greatest philanthropists of all time," Eleanor said slowly, still trying to process everything in her mind. "Wow."

"Everyone is here for a reason," Michael said, looking gratified by her reaction. He beamed. "Eleanor, I would like to congratulate you again. Welcome to the Good Place."

Attempt 1, Day 65

"God save us all," Eleanor bemoaned, before correcting herself. "Oh, right. He can't. Not in here." She groaned when she realized the implications of what she said. "Shirt, the answer was in front of us all the forking time. 'Here''s here." She glared at Michael. "You sick motherforker."

"The clues were in front of you this entire time," Michael confirmed serenely. "You only have yourself to blame if you couldn't figure it out."

"So, all of you are demons?" Chidi looked over at Hidan and Kakuzu. "I can't say that surprises me much, to be totally honest with you."

"Awww, thanks, ash-hole," Hidan said. He thumped Chidi on the back familiarly. "You aren't such a good person either."

Jason still seemed confused. "You guys used to work for D&D?" He asked. "Does that mean that you get to play that nerd game all day long and get paid for not doing actual work? Can I join?"

"Jason, I don't think it stands for Dungeons and Dragons," Tahani said through gritted teeth.

"Awww," Jason said, disappointment apparent in his voice. Then he squinted at his soulmate. "Tahani, you know what Dungeons and Dragons is?"

"D&D stands for Dismemberment and Decapitation," Michael explained. "It's the most cutting-edge division within the Torture department."

HIdan smirked at Chidi. "We get the moral philosophers, since they're the hardest to wear down," he said. "But honestly, they wear each other down mentally with their stupid convoluted arguments, so my work is mainly just the physical torture, which is my favorite part." He grinned manically. "I'll be seeing you there, soon." Chidi squeaked and paled.

Jason seemed oblivious to Chidi's internal distress. "So what do they do, if they don't play card games?" He asked Michael, who was eager to respond.

"They develop brand new ways of torturing humans. It's marvelous, really." Michael paused. "Well, it used to be, before someone chopped up all of his coworkers into mincemeat."

"Hey, stop whining. I did you a favor by getting rid of a bunch of salary thieves," Hidan said, rolling his eyes. "I was the only person who got any shirt done, anyway. Plus, Lord Jashin didn't seem to mind."

"That's because your so-called lord is psychotic," Michael hissed. "He needs to get back on his meds."

"Are they…" Tahani trailed off, looking faint.

"Oh, they're alive," Michael reassured her. "But the regeneration period takes a long time. It's the closest a demon can get to actual death, which is honestly quite impressive and really the main reason why Hidan's here as punishm—"

"Alright, ladies, enough chit-chat," Hidan interrupted. He looked hopefully at Michael. "Can we go back home now and tell Shawn that this was an epic disaster?"

"Absolutely not," Michael said. "No, no, no. This is what we're going to do."

He snapped his fingers.

Number of Attempts: 1

Status: Failed

Time elapsed: 65 days, 45 minutes and 3 seconds

Hidan bolted up in disbelief as soon as he came back to his senses. "Did he just—"

"Yep," Kakuzu said, stretching his limbs. They were back in the chapel—or rather, Hidan was. Kakuzu had woken up in his tree hammock by the window.

"Fork," Hidan mumbled. He looked at Kakuzu with dawning horror. "We're really stuck with each other, huh."

"…You just got the memo, brat?"