Chapter 1: Breaking up a Naked Knife Fight does not count as Reaching Second Base

=[Macarath]=

Corrin had known the consequences of siding with Nohr. He would be seen as a traitor to his family by blood, party to his mother's murder, and by all accounts, a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. But worse would have been the consequences of siding with Hoshido. His siblings in Nohr would be torn apart by his betrayal, and the country itself would suffer greatly if it were to lose the war. For all Hoshido's perceptions of a bloodthirsty and savage nation, Nohr was made of a people starving and desperate, and he would not contribute to their sorrow.

The consequences he had not predicted were, among other things, the company he would find himself keeping among the ranks of Nohr.

"I'm feeling STABBY!" The cavalier with cotton candy hair cheered as she ran her lance into a Hoshidan samurai. Corrin felt his lips curl into a grimace as he saw the mad grin Peri was sporting as she ripped her spearhead out of the enemy's torso, tearing out a trail of gore as she did. He had to bite back the bile that rose in his throat at the sight.

"Do try not to get distracted, milord," Peri's smiling partner chimed in. At least Xander's second retainer wasn't quite so eccentric. "Her beauty may be captivating, but this is a battlefield."

Corrin squinted. "That is not why I was staring."

Laslow's smile turned to a smirk. "Ah, but you were staring!"

"Eyes forward, soldier," the Nohrian prince growled.

[~~~]

After a full day of fighting through Ryoma's Hoshidan strike force, a merciful reprieve from the days-long siege of the Sevenfold Sanctuary, it was time for Corrin to address the elephant in the room.

"Hi, Corrin!"

The blue-and-pink haired, pig-tailed, bloodthirsty and stab-happy elephant in the room.

"Peri, do you know why I called you in here?" He asked, his fingers interlaced as he rested his chin over them.

"To tell me I did a good job in that fight?" Peri guessed cheerily.

"Not exactly."

"To teach you how to stab a guy's heart and rip it out in the same swing?"

"N-no, no."

Peri thought for a moment, before taking another shot. "To ask for a pie?"

Corrin blinked. "Why would I ask you for a pie?"

"I'm a whiz in the kitchen!" She flashed a bright smile.

"Well, I called you in to ask," Corrin had to choose his words carefully. "What responsibilities did you have as Xander's retainer?"

"I didn't have to do much of anything. Xander let me cut up all the bad guys I want, that's all!"

Corrin raised an eyebrow. "So your only duties lay on the battlefield?"

"Or wherever bad guys show up! Like butlers, they're everywhere," Peri spat with disdain.

'Note to self: Keep Peri away from Jakob,' Corrin examined the notepad he'd kept for the conversation and frowned. "So, my brother essentially allowed you free rein. What disciplinary measures did he take if you made a mistake?"

Peri's face fell. "He'd get really mad and yell at me if I killed the wrong people. But it's not my fault! How am I supposed to tell who I can stab and who I can't?!" Peri's eyes watered, drawing small lines of mascara down her cheeks.

Corrin blanched, "And you… made that mistake often? Stabbing the wrong people?"

"Yep! Killing people's my favorite hobby! I'm just not very good at finding the right guys to do it on sometimes."

It took all of Corrin's mental strength not to give up then and there. He had suffered Iago's theatrics and followed Garon's insane orders, but this was too much. It was as though all of Hoshido's darkest nightmares of Nohrians were shoved into one person.

Well, she was still better than Hans.

"I'm going to level with you, Peri," Corrin began slowly. "I can't abide your… hobby, as my brother did. We can't have anyone in the army, or any locals in our area, being killed so wantonly."

Peri pouted, crying, "But why not?"

Corrin gave her a sharp look. "Because it's wrong, Peri. I don't know what Xander was thinking before, but from here on I will be keeping you under constant supervision to insure you don't make any more 'mistakes'."

Peri crossed her arms. "Well, this stinks. Who's going to be my dumb nanny anyway?"

Just as Corrin opened his mouth to answer, there was a knock outside his door. "Corrin, I brought a pot of tea! And I only had to make three trips this time!"

Corrin sighed softly, "Thank you, Felicia. Your diligence is appreciated, as always."

Felicia somehow managed to open the door without trouble, walking in with teapot and cups on a tray in her hand. "I'm just glad I didn't make too big a mess," she said with a nervous smile. "Jakob would have killed me if I had-EEK!" Felicia stepped one foot too close in front of the other and tripped over her own ankles, sending the tea flying across the room. Corrin sighed as he found himself once again drenched in the stuff. He was pretty sure at this point his armor would always smell faintly of chamomile. Peri, on the other hand, was less than enthused. The teapot had ended up dangling over her head, dripping tea down her front.

"Grrr… You spilled tea on me and hit me with the pot!" Peri threw the pot off her head, sending it clattering to the floor. "You know what I do to servants who do that?!"

Corrin had begun to rise from his seat as Felicia stammered, "N-no…?"

"THWACK! I'm busting your head open!"

"E-EEEEEEEK!" Felicia scrambled away, drawing her dagger to defend herself just as Corrin stepped in between them.

"Peri, this is exactly what I'm talking about! You cannot, under any circumstances, 'thwack' Felicia or anyone else, even if you have to be accompanied at all times to make sure you don't."

Peri seethed violently, eyes shifting between her commander and the target of rage rapidly. "Don't tell me you're gonna make her my babysitter."

"Gods, no," he guffawed. "That would be a disaster waiting to happen!"

Eyes lighting up hopefully, Peri continued, "Can Lazzy do it? He's my best friend!" While Peri was momentarily distracted, Felicia ducked out of the room to fetch some towels.

Corrin shook his head, "No, he's almost as responsible for enabling you as my brother." He took a deep breath. There really wasn't anyone else he could trust with this job. "Peri, from this moment on, I'll be watching you myself."

=[Castle Krakenburg]=

Over the course of one month, Corrin had become accustomed to Peri's presence. War council meetings became a chore of reining in her childishness and keeping her quiet, so that he, Camilla, Kaze, and other officers he'd appointed could discuss strategy. Meals became… somewhat entertaining, as never a dull moment followed Peri's pension for antics. In one week alone he'd seen her chop a tomato into thin slices midair, she'd scared Arthur to tears with a furious scream when he tripped and landed in her pudding, and she'd managed to publicly shame Jakob by baking better cookies than him. And, unfortunately, time spent in solitude suddenly became a point of anxiety. Corrin felt himself needing to keep one ear open at all times in case any blood-curdling screams could be heard while he wasn't watching Peri. He'd almost felt he was driving himself crazy for nothing, until the time Selena ended up in a naked knife fight with her in the communal bath. He hadn't bothered to ask what had started the fight, as he was too busy trying to avert his eyes as he forcibly separated them.

Unfortunately, becoming accustomed to the circumstances did not always mean he would be always prepared for the consequences. Such as being 'graced'with Iago's presence with her at his side.

"Ah, Lord Corrin, I see you've returned to us safe and sound." Iago's face was twisted in a snide grin. "And Lady Peri, always a pleasure."

The way he actually seemed pleased to see Peri made Corrin want to punch him. Many things about Iago made Corrin want to punch him. Like his face. "Iago, how dreadful to see you again. I've a report to give to Father, if you don't mind." He not so subtly jerked his head to urge Iago to get out of his way.

"Hi, Iago!" Peri said with a smile and wave. Her innocent cheer wouldn't have been out of place with Elise, but even Nohr's Sunflower knew Iago was scum.

"I must say, Lady Peri, I'm quite surprised to find you in Lord Corrin's company. Has something happened to Lord Xander?" Iago's false concern was as slimy as his greased mane of hair.

"Nope! He just wanted me and Laslow fighting with Corrin. We had so much fun in Macarath!"

"Oh?" Iago looked to me with a knowing glance. "And what happened in Macarath?"

Of course Iago knew about the run-in with Ryoma. He probably tipped the Hoshidan army off in the first place. Putting Elise's life in danger and forcing him to face his brother again on the battlefield was exactly what would give the pompous 'strategist' his kicks.

Rather than giving Iago what he wanted, Corrin instead flashed as insincere a smile as he could manage. "Oh, nothing you need worry your greasy little head about, Iago. Make like a good parrot and fly back to your master's shoulder, will you?"

While Iago looked scandalized, Peri looked interested. "Oh, is Iago a bad guy? Can I stab him?"

Admittedly, watching the color drain from Iago's face was worth every moment of this dreadful conversation. "Not now, Peri. Come along," Corrin said as he continued on to the throne room.

As Peri fell in step beside him, Corrin cringed as Iago gathered himself enough to give one last remark. "I look forward to seeing the fruits borne of the company you keep, Lord Corrin! Lady Peri is quite a catch." Corrin had to bite down the desire to gag at the insinuation.

"Wow, I didn't think Iago liked me that much!" Peri says, pleasantly surprised. "And why not stab him? You clearly want to."

She's not wrong. "You're not wrong," Corrin admitted. "But there's a time and place for everything. Iago's time will come, I assure you."

Peri smiled, "I can't wait!"

For once, the girl's twisted grin wasn't an unwelcome sight. "Me too, Peri. Me too."

A/N: Come one, come all! Welcome to Madly in Love, a fic where Corrin is a reasonable person but falls in love with Peri anyways! Currently mirroring chapters 1 and 2 from Ao3 to here on .

What's that? No one wanted a Corrin/Peri fic in their lives? Well too bad! I'm the captain of this ship and I'm sailing off the map. HERE THERE BE DRAGONS AND THEY HOARD CRACK PAIRS