Disclaimer: Loveless is by Kouga Yun. I make no money by writing this or posting it on the internet.
NOTE: The lines in the dialogue between Soubi and Ritsuka are direct quotes from Volume 1 Chapter 1
SOUBI
Seimei is dead.
(I did not know it when he died. I did not feel it when he died. Nothing died inside of me in that moment. Kio told me. Kio, exultant with involuntary cruelty; brandishing the newspaper at m;, smiling with obscene relief; Kio told me my one reason for being was gone.
A time passed, I do not know how long it was. It was a Kio time. Kio made me eat and wash and sleep. I was not. After a time had passed I could remember Seimei's orders to me. I was filled with shame in remembering, I was filled with shame at the time lost in not remembering. But, at last, I knew what to do after his death. I had orders. I waited. Another time passed, but this was unbearably long.)
There is a peculiar silence inside me. It is not a silence created by lack of sounds; my ears are full of sounds, especially those made by Kio's voice always pleading or demanding things that are incomprehensible to me. It is the silence created by lack of orders to obey. I have nothing to do but wait and nothing to think but the Silence. The silence is inside me because there is no Seimei to tell me what to do. I have his orders in case of his death, but until his brother comes to claim me, I cannot obey them.
The only thing I can feel is that I hate the silence. I would do anything to make it stop, but there is nothing I am allowed to do but wait. Besides, even if I were allowed to do something else, I would not know what to do to make the silence stop.
The reason I hate the silence so much is that, when there is this kind of silence inside me, the pressure builds up so much it becomes unbearable. I am scared to death of the pressure. It hurts so much I cannot breathe properly anymore. It hurts so much my eyes want to do things they cannot do anymore, like burn and leak tears. Or maybe flash death on anything that lives. I can never tell which.
Ritsu sensei explained what the pressure was, just before he gave me away like a puppy that will not be housebroken. The pressure is the Fighter-me wanting out. I need to have duels so I can wreak harm in an allowed manner. He explained that, being a blank Fighter, I had to be trained more harshly to bond properly to the Sacrifice that would own me and that kind of training created a bottomless well of rage inside me. That rage would fuel my spells and make practically invincible. That rage made me valuable, but it had to be let out every so often or it would make me unusable.
I did not understand because I did not feel rage, but he said that I did not have to understand to know his words were truth and indeed they were and are. The pressure is the rage I cannot feel wanting out. The rage I cannot feel is the Fighter-me. I could not feel the pressure when Seimei was using me because he was using me all the time, so the Fighter-me was always out. It is only now that Seimei is dead that I can finally understand Ritsu's words and see how true they were and are.
I paint, sometimes. It is allowed to paint while waiting for orders. I paint butterflies to signify my hatred of the pressure. I paint flowers to signify my waiting in place, immobile, though maybe swaying a little in the wind of Kio's pushing. Sometimes I think I will paint dead butterflies speared by neglect or wilting flowers rotting in the silence, but I can never make myself do it. I am not allowed to paint truth, or maybe I am too afraid to paint truth. What Kio will never understand is that I do not paint beauty to comfort me, I do it to spite me.
I am inadequate. My new owner does not care to claim me. I should be punished, but there is no-one to do it. Seimei is dead, Ritsu sensei gave me away. No-one wants me. Kio says incomprehensible things about emotions that do not exist in me. I am ashamed of my inadequacy. I am silent, mirroring the Silence inside me. Shame makes my brush quiver in my hand and I cannot paint anymore.
There is too much pressure, I cannot contain it, something will break and I will do a monstrous thing and there will be no-one to punish me for it because no-one wants me. Seimei's brother has not come to claim me. He finds me inadequate. He will not claim me. There is too much silence. My ears bleed with it. I cannot breathe properly anymore. There is too much pain. I hate this pain. I wish Seimei were here to govern me. I wish Seimei were here to inflict pain. I hate pain. But I hate the silence and the pressure so much more.
I cannot wait anymore. My body is in chains; my lungs squeezed by steel bands; my eyes blind. I have to go. I am not allowed to go. I cannot bear it. I must bear it. I do not know how much time has passed. I did not feel Seimei die. I am inadequate. I must go to my new owner. He will reject me. I cannot breathe. I must allow myself to go. I cannot be without a master. I must master myself. I will go. He will reject me because I could not wait. I cannot wait.
Too much silence that creates too much pressure and something deep inside me breaks so hard I almost cry out with the shock of it. I will go to my new owner. I will present myself in a manner befitting my training. I will not show weakness. I will obey. I will be strong. I will love my new master. I will say his name to myself until I know it better than mine. Fighter-me is out and his words have power. Ritsuka is my new owner, my Sacrifice. Ritsuka. Ritsuka. Ritsuka. Ritsuka. Ritsuka. Ritsuka.
Ritsuka. I will present myself to Ritsuka in a manner befitting my training. I will not show weakness to Ritsuka. I will obey Ritsuka. I will be strong for Ritsuka. I will protect Ritsuka. I will suffer for Ritsuka. I will be grateful to Ritsuka. I will love Ritsuka. I will love Ritsuka. I will love Ritsuka.
I have found Ritsuka's school. I am outside Ritsuka's school. Ritsuka is inside. I am so lost. I do not know what to do. I must wait. I cannot wait. There is a woman. I ask when the lessons will end. She says the time. I must wait. I think of what I will say to Ritsuka. I cannot think. Words will come to me. I will not disgrace my training. I will not show weakness. I will be strong and calm. I will love Ritsuka.
Ritsuka comes running out. Ritsuka is unhappy. Is he crying? Ritsuka does not see me. I have to stop him. I will not show weakness. I am calm. I grab his arm.
"What's the matter, Ritsuka?" I say. "Why are you crying?"
"Who's crying? I'm not crying, you asshole!" he barks at me and blood rushes through my veins like lightning. He barks at me! Ritsuka will command with assurance and strength. A smile is ripped out of me. I am alive at long last.
"Let go of my arm," Ritsuka says. "Who are you?"
WHAT? I am frozen in a shock so absolute I don't even obey his order to let go. And then I understand. Stupid, stupid, unworthy to be a Fighter Soubi. He is testing me. Ritsuka is testing my control, my strength, my ability to react to stimuli. I will not show weakness. Ritsuka is perhaps angry that I could not wait anymore. I must not snivel. I will not snivel.
"You wouldn't come to get me, Ritsuka." I say truthfully, forcing my mouth into a smile. "So I came instead."
Ritsuka looks at me all wide eyed for a second and then he explodes: "Let me go!" I realise I am still holding his arm and hurriedly let go just as he rips it off my hand. He is furious. I wait to be rebuked.
"Who the hell are you?" he asks instead. "A kidnapper? A pervert?"
"A weapon," I say, but my mind is spinning so fast I can barely stand. It must be a test. I will be tested until I break. This is right. Ritsuka has every right to know when his Fighter will break. I must not show how confused I am; I must not show how inadequate I am. I will keep smiling and look calm in the face of his displeasure. I will prove worthy.
"Seimei didn't tell you about me?" My smile is even less forced than before and then becomes true when his furious face relaxes.
"You knew my brother?" Ritsuka asks.
"Yes," I say, still smiling, still in control, giddy with relief. Ritsuka was right to test me. I should have introduced myself properly; I should have invoked the name Seimei at once. I am not functioning properly. Seeing Ritsuka run away without noticing me had frightened me to such an extent that I had done everything wrong. I must remember myself. I must correct my error.
Ritsuka pelts me with questions I could not answer even if he gave me the time to do it. He asks my name and barely allows me to tell him, then he starts again. Ritsuka is smiling, is excited, is talking to me. I am doing things right now. Then he makes me happy.
"Let's go make some memories!" he orders. Ritsuka wants me. Ritsuka will make me his. I wonder what he will do? Will he use a knife or brand me with burning iron? Will he erase Seimei's Battle Name? Will he write over it with my blood? I do not relish it. I want it more than anything else. I am afraid of it. I need it more than air to breathe. I hate the pain. The pain will mean I am adequate. I am happy.
I am stupid. In my relief I had not considered Ritsuka's odd choice of words. He has dragged me to the park to take pictures. I do not understand why. Maybe he wants to examine my features at leisure. Maybe it is another test. Maybe there will be no end to the tests. I must prove adequate.
The picture-taking gives me time to calm down and I finally see Ritsuka. He is a child and so tiny! He is bright with life. He is hungry for something. He is looking at me. It is my function to give him what he wants. I will submit entirely to his will. He looks up at me and his eyes want, but I have not yet understood what. I must understand. Perhaps he will explain if I do not ask directly.
"That's fine," I say, but do not dare look at him. "We can make more memories that way too, can't we?"
"No," he says, hard. It is absolute. He does not want to explain, I will have to understand what he wants on my own. Ritsuka's tests are much harder than Seimei's or even Ritsu sensei's. I am afraid. I will fail. I was not trained for this kind of obedience. I am inadequate, I deserve the Silence. I cannot face the Silence again. Never again. I cannot, cannot, cannot…
I grip my own self in a vice. I must not fail. The Silence is ended. It will not start again. I must not fail. I will not fail. I listen to Ritsuka's words and hear a threnody of sadness, resignation. I know that song, it is what my shrivelled heart sings. Ritsuka wants the song to end. I must make it end.
"You'll forget all about me," he is saying. "You'll forget I even existed," he is mourning.
"Never," I say and it is true. "I wouldn't forget you." I fail again, it is not enough. He wants more of me, more than words. I listen and try harder than I ever tried in my life. I was not trained to understand and anticipate. I was trained to hear and obey given orders. I must not fail. Ritsuka is a very harsh Sacrifice, he will not make my work for me. I will understand.
"But since you are Seimei's friend," he is saying, "it means a lot to me. I never thought Seimei had any adult friends."
He is generous, after all, he has given me a clue. He is harsh, but not utterly implacable. Every second makes it easier to love him as I should. I keep saying it in my mind to give the words more and more power. Now I know what he wants of me. He wants me to offer myself fully to him, he wants me to make him want to have me. I can do this. I have been trained in this. I will love Ritsuka. I do love Ritsuka. I must go slow and show him how subtle and powerful my word-spell magic can be. I smile, secretly.
"I won't do anything to you," I say and cup his dear face in my hands, gently, oh so gently, and kiss him, opening myself like a flower for his plucking; slow, delicate and practiced to show him I am no clumsy, graceless oaf. There is artistry in spell-making, there is elegance and a feather grace, like caressing the canvas with the tip of the softest brush. There is control and respect. And in me, right then, there is the love I created with spell-words.
"Soubi, you asshole!" he shouts, angry and bright like a blade in the sun. I am entranced. I am Ritsuka's. There is daring in his voice, a gauntlet thrown down in his eyes. It is another test, but at long last I have understood what he wants of me. So I smile and smile, though it is mostly relief at having found the path, and say, teasing, offering, wantonly: "It's just a kiss." And take his hand in mine.
"From now on," I say, more assured now that I see him yield and push away at the same time, "we have to be bound together. It must be a stronger, deeper bond than anyone else's." I kiss his hand like butterfly wings on a petal and watch him blush and I know this is what he wants of me. He wants me to make him want me. He wants to own more of me than anyone else ever did. He wants me to seduce him into ownership. With these spellbinding words I've got him…
NOT NOW! A fighting unit here. Not now, damn them! I was so near… The shock of it is like a cold shower, I am in Fighting mode now. I can and must think very quickly. I can and must assess the situation and be awake to every nuance. I must extricate myself from the wooing and do it gracefully. I must remember and analyse everything not to make any more mistakes… and it hits me. A truth I had not suspected. The pressure has really damaged me, as Ritsu sensei had said. I was blind to everything in my panic. Ritsuka does not know how to fight.
Ritsuka knows nothing of fighting, of spells, of what Seimei was doing. Ritsuka cannot fight. He has been testing me for his own purposes, not to check if Seimei's gift was worthy of him. I must take control of the fight. I must stop the seducing spells. I must free Ritsuka of it. I must erase the spell and only harsh words will do it. Ritsuka's safety overrules everything else.
"Not now," I say, cold as ice. "I don't get off kids like you."
Like all my spells, it works. Ritsuka is still faintly blushing, but is resentful and sarcastic. I cannot teach Ritsuka to fight right now. I will have to fight solo. I prepare the spell that will give me the power to do it.
I say the spell.
"I love you Ritsuka. I love you. I'll protect you. I'll do anything for you. I'll give you everything. My body, my heart, my soul, I'll give it all to you. I'll even lay down my life. I'll fight for you."
I love you, Ritsuka.
I had nothing to worry about, these are inexperienced children. I could take them blindfolded. The fight is brief, but they manage to cut me to the quick with their disgust at my apparent betrayal of Seimei. I know they do not know I am a Blank, Ritsu sensei has enforced secrecy on this information, but still it stings. I should have died with Seimei. I should have felt his death. I gather Ritsuka up in my arms and it is like holding a fledgling star. I banish the petulant children and bask in the quivering warmth I am holding tight to me.
"I love you Ritsuka," I murmur. "So adorable. When you are in trouble, I'll save you. Remember that." So that is how it will be. I will make Ritsuka want me. I will seduce Ritsuka into commanding me. I will make Ritsuka want to use me. I will not heed his words unless they are orders. Seimei's orders will prevail over Ritsuka's orders until he grows stronger and surer and more commanding than Seimei. I will make him want to mould me into his familiar weapon, known and appreciated. I love Ritsuka.
"Let me down," he says-pleads and I do not want to let go of him. I need to breathe his hair and his child-smell. Ritsuka has banished the Silence. I will love Ritsuka.
I love you Ritsuka. I do not want to let you go. Please do not throw me away. Please want me. Please, please take me. Please, Ritsuka, please. Let me hold you just a little longer.
END