Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, whom I am not.
Summary: What happens when you put a bunch of pieces of paper with all the names of the HP characters on them in a hat, and pair them up haphazardly. Oh, dear.
Note: Bad things happen when I get bored…But really, it seemed like a fun concept. Basically just short stories featuring whatever unfortunate pair that was picked. Each chapter will feature a different pairing.
Warning: Since I cannot control "Teh Mighty and All-Powerful Hat of Teh Shippiness", it is highly probable that there is some slash in this fic. But not serious slash, because I can't write slash, even if I tried. So, the really pointless, nonsensical, poking-fun-at essence of slash. But, if that sort of thing bothers you, then don't read.
ONWARD!
Chapter One: Lucius Malfoy/ Madam Pomfrey
There were only a few things that Lucius Malfoy really valued in life.
One, of course, was money. He was a Malfoy, so that much would be obvious. Another was power, also expected. The last, however, was part of the category of things in his life that he would much rather keep discreet.
Love, for example, was in the category. He had been trying very hard to follow the trend of hatred and death and general emomania his Dark Lord was preaching, and so, love had to go. But Lucius liked to think himself as a deep and complicated guy, so he left a little room in his heart for his wife and son. Just so, he had thought, to give St. Peter a bit of a harder time in deciding whether he should go to hell or not.
But recently, he had to expand that little room, for one more very special woman. A fair lady he called "Popcorn-ikins", when there was no one in vicinity capable of Legilimencing him.
Because, in fact, Lucius Malfoy was blissfully and painfully in love with Poppy Pomfrey.
It wasn't that he didn't love Narcissa. But he could never deny that a woman with a handful of gauze and Pepper-Up Potion turned him on.
So, Lucius had made an appointment with the Headmaster to "check up on the current curriculum". Afterwards, he made a bee-line for the hospital wing. He had straightened his clothes, quickly combed his hair, and dolloped on a motherload of complicated glamour charms to make himself look even more, as he liked to call it, "Lucius-ly luscious". After checking his reflection in the chest plate of a disgruntled suit of armor, he cleared his throat and knocked prestigiously on the door.
Then, he walked in. Lucius liked to think of him knocking as a warning that he was entering, and not as a question of whether he could or not.
Soon after, Madam Pomfrey bustled towards him, tripped on a roll of bandages, and swore brilliantly. Then, she cleared her throat and said, "Why hello, Mr. Malfoy, but I thought you knew better than to disrupt a sick person while he was being treated." She waggled her finger at him, as if he were a naughty wizard caught with his hand in the Cauldron Cake jar. Then, to reinforce her previous statement, a high-pitched voice behind a screen said in a sort of strangled tone, "Um, Madam Pomfrey, the boil is moving…"
"Ah, well, Miss Bernis, I did tell you not to poke it!" The nurse muttered a quick "excuse me" and hastened to the screen. Lucius could only see the shadows cast through the curtain. He heard battle cries, the sound of ripping cloth, and a woeful sort of squelching.
Madam Pomfrey reappeared from behind the screen looking slightly disheveled, and holding what resembled a piece of brown jello. Holding it at arms' length, as it had begun to smoke and shudder, she conjured a cauldron and threw it in unceremoniously. Then, she clapped her hands. A house elf materialized.
"Plinky, tell the headmaster that Hogwarts is having Chowder Surprise tonight," Madam Pomfrey stated in all seriousness. The house elf bowed, looked pityingly at the student behind the screen, and promptly popped away.
Dusting off her hands, she turned to Lucius and said, "So, what did you need again?"
Regaining his composure, he said in his most svelte drawl, "Why, to see the woman I love, of course."
Madam Pomfrey blinked, and then shook her head. "Oh you poor, confused soul," She tutted sadly, "You don't love me. You love money, and power, and cheesecake. See," her face took on a stern expression, "This is what happens when you get yourself stuck inside a really strange product of a bored teenage mind."
Lucius processed this slowly. Then, he tried again, "No, I really do love you-"
"Don't be ridiculous," she said. "Why don't you have some chowder?"
And Lucius did. It was horrible. "Now wait just a minute-" he began.
Again, Madam Pomfrey shook her head. She sipped at her chowder thoughtfully, and said, "Mr. Malfoy, don't you just love the sunny weather?"
Lucius got frustrated. "Listen, woman, I'm trying to proclaim my undying affection for you-"
"And I want a unicorn!" Madam Pomfrey stated with conviction, and left the hospital wing.
Lucius pinched the bridge of his nose, then released slowly. Oh well, he thought, and helped himself to some more chowder before leaving the grounds.
Silence overtook the hospital wing, and sunlight flooded the room in all serenity. From behind the curtains, a very terrified student said, "Madam Pomfrey, I think the boil had babies…Oh dear Merlin, it's…Madam Pomfrey? Madam Pomfrey?!"
Caffeine's Corner: Well. That certainly was a strange pairing to write. I'm just glad it wasn't Lucius/Luna; I might've killed myself trying to write that. Hope you enjoyed it, and I'll try to update soon. Please review, and constructive criticism is always helpful!