(Yes. I'm so pathetic, and impatient for others to respond to my challenge, that I'm actually taking part in my own challenge. Don't worry, you all can submit your own stories from your own accounts, nothing about the challenge has changed, I'm just taking part in it myself, cause I can't wait on you guys any longer. As I said, in another story, I'm an impatient man-whore.)

In a house in London, two people (who were cheap knock-offs of vampires) were making out. The woman said, "I love you Edward." Edward replied, "And I love you, Bella." Knock on the door, "Who is it?"

A voice said, "Oh, you know." A whole thirty-seven shots, were fired into Edward's body (A/N: He deserved it.) A man, in all red said, "A REAL, fucking Vampire."

Outside, a girl stood on the roof. Alucard asked her, "Hey, Police girl, do you have the target?"

The Police Girl said, "Okay, Master? My NAME is Seras! And yes, I have the target in sight." The target was running. She was surprisingly fast, for a cheap knock off Vampire.

On the left of the building, a young skeleton said, in a thick Scottish accent, "Okay. Now Police Girrel, focus. This target might no' be, a TRUE Vampire, but she's still somewha' dangerous. Now, prepare t-"

Alucard interrupted. He said, "Sorry Nephew, but the Police Girl might want to take the shot. You're kinda letting the target, get away."

Police Girl replied, "Maybe if you'd give me a second to CONCENTRATE!"

The skeleton Grim Junior said, "Alright Police Girl, jus' focus and take the shot."

Alucard said, "Getting away! She's RUNNING!"

Police Girl said, "I get it! I'm lining up the-"

Alucard "Going to miss it! Going to miss it!" He was enjoying this.

Junior said, "Uncle, I will take my Da's Scythe, and CUT YOUR DAMN HEAD OFF WITH IT!" (A/N: For those wondering why it's Da, and not Dad well, that's how they say it in Scotland and Ireland. Yeah, they don't say Dad, they say Da. P.S. It's the same for Mom and Ma.)

The Crimson coated Nosferatu replied, "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" He then yelled, "Hey Police Girl! Hey! Hey Police Girl!"

Then she shot the target. The target died. P.G. Yelled, "There! I took the Fucking Shot! She's dead! There's blood everywhere!"

Junior said, "Uncle Alucard, my Ma already yelled at Ye once, three years ago. Sear Integra, yelled at Ye every damn day! Now, she's gonna have FIVE HUNDRED MORE REASONS, TO YELL AT YE!"

Alucard said, "Oh, you are both just treats." Yes. He was enjoying it.

Alucard, you want to take it?

Alucard: Sure, let's start, at the Goddamn beginning!

ONE WEEK EARLIER

Now, I'm sure you're all wondering how all this came about. Well, my nephew and niece, wonderful employees of Hellsing for nine years (Not telling that story, go read it yourself, pisshead!) went on a walk with me. An enthusiastic walk through the woods. The air was clear. The moon was full! I was dying to sink my teeth, into something. Get it? Cause I'm a vampire!

Anyway, my nephew said, "Uncle Alucard, as much as Minnie and I enjoy, our lit'le walks with Ye... Ye ever stop to think, that it MIGH' get Ye fired?"

I responded with, "Never happened before, even Integra can't get rid of me that easily!" Which considering my dislike for the bitch, is kinda interesting I said that.

Then, some dick in priest robes said, "So you came. Too bad, you're already far too late."

I had no idea, what the hell he was talking about. I asked, "What?"

He said, "Everyone else, is already dead. Except for this little tart." He said holding, a DAMN SEXY Police Girl hostage. He continued, "But I still intend to kill her."

Out of boredom, I said, "Mm-hmm." My niece was totally jealous of the Police Girl. If you've seen, what the Police Girl looks like, you know why.

But she said, "Uncle Alucard! You cannot leave this girl, to die!" You know, for the children of the Reaper, these two care WAY too much for the living.

The priest douche said, "But first, I'm going to RAPE this girl!"

I said "Neat."

My nephew said, "Uncle, I know what yer doin'. But for God's sake, DON'T! JUS' ONCE, DON'T!" Wait, did he really know what I was doing? Meh. He knows, he's Scottish. No one EVER knows, what an angry Scot is saying.

ME: Thank you, Alucard. For insulting the ENTIRE country of Scotland. If any Scottish people are still reading this, I apologize. If you want to imagine yourself, punching my face, I understand.

Alucard: I STILL don't give a fuck, however!

ME: YOU WOULDN'T! On with the story!

Alucard: Kay.

So,the priest douche says, "But before I can do any of that... I'M GOING TO KILL YOU THREE!"

Junior just went, "pfft!" Minnie simply shrugged it off. I said, "Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were... Well intimidating!"

He asked, "Are you mocking me?,!"

I said, "Oh no! No, no, no, no,no... Pfft yeah!" Then I shot him, to the tune of "Shot through the Heart!" He died, and I was ready to go home.

I said, "That should wrap things up, here!" Then I heard choking. Minnie gave me, a hating look, and Junior wrapped his boney hand around my throat.

Then he said, "Don't tell the 'ever honorable' Vampire King, is just gonna leave an innocent woman to die!"

I responded "Fine!" I turned to her, and said, "Look sorry about the whole 'shooting you' thing, but I'm sure if you look deep into your heart... Which is currently all over that tree-"

Junior and Minnie yelled in unison "Uncle Alucard!"

Then I turned, and said, "Just staring the obvious, kids. Grim may hate this, but I don't." I turned to the Police Girl and said, "You'll find a way to forgive me." She chocked again. I said, "Ah jeez. You look like a puppy! A blonde Eviscerated puppy!" Minnie stabbed my lower hip, and Junior chocked me again. Then, the Police Girl, chocked again! I said "Christ! Fine! I'll help you! But only because you got nice tits."

ME: Again, anyone offended I'm sorry... But you all know, how Alucard is. Plus, if there are any real women who are jealous of the Police Girl, remember you chose to the read the story. Anyone upset by the whole "nice tits" remark... I have no idea, how to apologize to you but I'm trying to. Do remember, I hate offended women, but I AM a man. So, sorry. On with it. If Alucard says he doesn't give a fuck, keep in mind... He never does.

Alucard: Yeah, thanks! Audience, the Commander apologizes. I STILL, don't give a fuck.

So, I called up my boss, Integra. Who says, "So, that's your 'field report?" I said, "yep." you three went on a walk through the forest at midnight..." I said, "Yep." She said, "You killed, a homicidal vampire priest..." I said, "Dead." Integra, "And turned someone into a vampire. Someone who happened to be a big-" I finished, "Big tittied Police Girl. Yes! As if I didn't just get through explaining this! Now if you don't mind, I got things to do."

Integra, "What things?! You don't DO things!" I said, "Yeah I do! I take my relatives, on long enthusiastic walks, through the woods." Integra, "And kill homicidal vampire priests, with them?" I retorted "VERY enthusiastic walks."

ONE WEEK LATER

Alucard: Alright, Commander, you take it back.

ME:Thanks. You Romanian Vampiric bastard.

Alucard calls Integra. She said, "So that's your 'field report?'" Alucard replied, "Yep." Integra asks, "You broke into the house..." Alucard, "Yep." Integra, "You shot him thirty-six times..." Alucard "THRTY-SEVEN!" Integra, "Professor Grimskull threatened your life, with his father's ethereal weapon..." Alucard "Probably fifth time I've said this today, but I don't give a fuck." Integra, "And then you proceeded to take out his partner?" Alucard, "That was the Police Girl. With the big titties." Integra, "You NEED to stop going on walks, look, you three have an assignment in Ireland." Alucard, "OOH! Leprechaun hunting! You think if I shoot them, Lucky Charms will spill all over the place?" Integra, " Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and take the Police Girl with you!"

Meanwhile, in Italy.

Father Anderson asked, "So, what can I do for you, Father O'Connell O'Carol O'Riley O'Brian O'Malley O'Sullivan? Who is also Italian?" The Irish priest hated people on his property. But Iscariot reigns supreme. Because God, reigns supreme.

Father (to save time) Irish/Italian, "Tell me, Anderson. What is your favorite thing, to do?"

The Irish priest replied, "Spreadin' the word and love of Jesus Christ, to the many people of the world! Teaching peace, and kindness for all!"

Irish/Italian, "And killing vampires?"

Anderson declared "Jus' try to fucking stop me!"

Irish/Italian "And what about... Protestants?"

Anderson, "Second verse, same as the first! Now put me on a plane, so I can put 'em in a herse!"

In Ireland, Alucard and the siblings were killing off some ghouls.

Alucard declared, " Hey Police Girl! You should totally get in here! This is awesome! There's like forty zombies in here! One shot to the head and they explode!"

Police Girl jumped in. She yelled, "Fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards! Can't be that much fun." She shot one, and it changed her mind.

She said, "Oh fuck the hell yes!" She killed a lot more ghouls, in a lot less time. The siblings were certainly surprised.

Junior said, "Well, Vampirism is 'aving an effect on the Police Girrel. A bloodlust."

Alucard said, "Yep. Being a vampire, gives a blood lust as big, as the Police Girl's tits."

Minnie said "Mon Dieu! Zhis girl is changing faster Zhan a butterfly cocoon!"

Then bayonets, went through the Police Girl's back.

Alucard "Oh. Suddenly it wreaks of HYPOCRISY in here! Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!"

Anderson replied, " Oh, and look what we have here! A bloody heathen!"

Alucard, "Excuse me, but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire! I killed a lot of people, and had to drink a LOT of blood, to gain this title! I will be called as such!"

Anderson , "Your name?"

Alucard, "Only if you give yours first, Papist!"

Integra was informed of the situation, and decided to intervene.

Alucard's head got cut off, and while the girls ran away, Junior held off Anderson.

He said, "Been a while, since I fought an Irishman."

The Priest replied, "Oh a Scot! The Reaper's son no less! Well..." He held up his bayonets, "Say hi, to your Da for me!"

(A few minutes later,)

Junior fell into his sister's arms. Minnie yelled, "Fére!" (A/N:Fére means brother in French.)

Anderson showed up, ready to kill them, when his swords shattered! Integra had shot them.

She said, "These children, below to me."

Anderson "Well, aren't you the naughty one."

Yeah, you know how it goes. Body guards killed, siblings and Police Girl get ready to fight, Anderson thinks he's won.

Integra, "Where the hell is Alucard?" Anderson, "Killed him!" Integra, "Killed him?" Anderson, "Cut off his bloody head!"

Integra smirked, as she said, "Oh? Well, that's step one." Her tone become playful, "What about two through ten?"

Anderson said in fear, "Oh Christ!" Alucard was back.

Alucard, "You done goofed."

Anderson "How the blood-soaked, Protestant Hell, did you do that?"

Alucard, "Fuck you, that's how." He readied himself to fight, when Anderson disappeared.

He turned and said, "What the fuck, happened to Junior?" The boney Scotsman replied, "Fuck Ye! I just the Rivers, and I'll be fine!"

Alucard then asked, "So... Do I get to go after him?!"

Integra and Junior (Unison) "No!"

Integra said, "We have bigger things to worry about. Whoever's creating this artificial vampires... Has to be some kind of large, organized group."

Alucard, "Like the Nazis?"

Integra "That would be retarded."

Junior agreed, "Yes. All the Nazis, who aren't deceased, are in prison."

Meanwhile, a man in a white suit stood above, 1,000 soldiers.

He said, "Gentlemen... Ve... Are Nazis!"

Soldiers "Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!"

Man in suit, "Und Ve... We love war!"

Soldiers "Sieg Heil! Seif heil!

He sneezed

Soldiers "Gesundheit! Gesundheit!"

(A/N: There's the abridged! I'll get to chapter two, once ALL of my other stories pick up a higher audience. For now, goodbye!)